AN: This chapter contains self-injury. I didn't really mean for the story to go here, but it did. It's not too graphic and won't be a feature of remaining chapters, but if you think it could be triggering, it might be best to skip the end.

Chapter 4

If someone had told her, Santana probably wouldn't have believed the glee club was so worried about her. Brittany, yes, maybe a few others, but she was pretty sure the rest of them hated her. She had no idea where she was going as she drove away from the school, but somehow found herself on the entrance ramp to the highway, foot pushing the gas pedal to the floor. She turned the radio up until the windows were vibrating and let her mind go with the speed and sound. A little voice in the back of her head was protesting her recklessness, but the music was doing a good job of drowning it out. How she managed to wind up without getting a speeding ticket was a mystery, but a few hours later she finally felt calm enough to turn around and head back home. By the time she pulled up to her house it was full-on night and she wasn't at all surprised when her headlights illuminated a familiar figure sitting on her front steps. She would recognize that body from a mile away.

She almost backed out of the driveway again, but she knew that no matter how long she stayed away, Brittany was going to be there waiting for her when she returned. She got out of her car slowly, trying to mentally prepare herself for the fight- err, conversation that she knew was about to take place. Her behavior today was extreme enough for Brittany to ignore the fact that Santana had told her repeatedly the last few days to leave her the hell alone. She was expecting worry, hurt, maybe a little anger and so was seriously unprepared for the serious look and direct gaze pointed her way as she approached the front door.

Brittany watched her best friend walk towards her, really seeing for the first time how much she'd changed in the last week. She'd lost weight, she looked exhausted and there was an almost desperate anger that radiated off her in waves. Santana ignored her, stepping around her to unlock the front door. She didn't go so far as to slam it in her face as Brittany followed her inside, but the blonde couldn't remember ever feeling so unwelcome in Santana's house before.

It was clear Santana wasn't going to be the one to start this conversation and Brittany found herself trailing behind the other girl as she did her best to freeze her out. The second line of The Santana Lopez Defense- if biting insults and intimidation didn't work, she would freeze you out until you went away. Brittany had seen it in action plenty of times, but never towards herself.

They made it to Santana's bedroom before Brittany stepped in close and without a word wrapped her arms around her friend. Santana went rigid and found herself shaking with the effort to hold herself in check and NOT break down crying in Brittany's arms. She shoved the other girl away with such strength that Brittany had to take a step back to catch her balance.

"Santana, stop," Brittany said quietly, "Tell me what's going on. Please."

Santana could feel her fingernails digging into the skin of her palms in an attempt to bring herself under control. Brittany was making it really hard to keep hold of the anger and Santana could feel the press of emotion rising up in her chest. She needed to get rid of her and fast.

"Santana-"

"No," Santana said, trying to make her voice as cold as possible. If she broke apart right now, she wasn't sure she'd be able to pick up the pieces, so she went straight for what she knew would hurt Brittany the most. "I don't know how I've been able to put up with you for so long, but I'm not telling you anything. You're too stupid to understand, and as of this moment, we are no longer friends. So please leave."

She could feel her nails break through her skin and her jaw ached with the strength it took to keep her mouth shut and not scream out that she didn't mean it as the blonde took another step backwards with a gasp. She started to protest, but the look on Santana's face had her shutting her mouth. Tears welled up in her eyes as she hung her head and walked to the door.

Brittany paused for a second in the doorway and spoke quietly through the tears running down her face, "I'll never stop being your friend, Santana. Never."

Santana clenched her jaw even tighter and closed her eyes against the tears starting to run down her face. She didn't move until she heard the front door close behind Brittany, then she threw herself towards her bed with a strangled cry, frantically reaching for the vodka bottle. She gulped down almost a quarter of the bottle before stopping for air. It didn't take much to get Santana drunk the last few days, the knot in her stomach kept her from eating most of the time and with such little food the alcohol went straight to her head. She sat on the edge of her bed, sucking in air, trying to get a handle on herself, when she felt a faint sting across the back of her hand. She must have scraped it against the side of the headboard when she was reaching for the bottle, but she paused for a second as she focused on the stinging of her hand and realized that the pain of it calmed her down a little bit. She poked at the cut, feeling her shoulders relax a little more.

It took no time at all before she was digging through the bathroom drawers for the box of safety pins she remembered tossing in last year. She took another swig of vodka before bending one of the pins open and dragging it roughly across the inside of her forearm. She had to press hard for any blood to show up, but that was okay. It was more about the pain anyway, and the sense of calm she could feel spreading through her body, than the blood. That was just a bonus. Santana felt light headed as she pressed the pin to her skin again, the feeling of release that she'd been denying herself making her dizzy.

She sank to the floor of her bathroom in a daze, lazily sipping on the bottle now until she was drunk enough to stumble back to her bed and pass out.
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Brittany drove home through a haze of tears. She knew in her heart that Santana hadn't meant what she'd said, but that didn't stop the words from hurting anyway. She never would have left if she'd known what Santana was about to do, but the look on her best friend's face had scared her. Santana had looked like she was on the verge of shattering and Brittany didn't want to be the reason for pushing her over the edge. Santana had always been the strong one, cool and tough. She rarely let Brittany see how much things affected her and only then because Brittany knew her well enough to see when she was upset, but tonight it would have been obvious to anyone that she was having trouble holding it together. Santana was her best friend and if she thought she couldn't let her in Brittany wasn't going to make it harder on her by pushing and risk driving her away. The best she could do was be there for Santana when she finally decided to talk, or finally fell apart.