Author's Notes: This is a departure for me. It's a bit more angsty, borderline MA (so it's there to be safe, but don't get too excited. I really can't write smut). There's a mention of slash in here, so if any mention of slash bothers you then you probably shouldn't read. Otherwise, let me know what you think. I live for reviews. Seriously.
Blair was lying in Dan's bed, most decidedly naked. She laid her head on his chest as they tried to catch their breaths.
"I'm beginning to worry that we're becoming too reclusive," Blair said lightly as she idly stroked Dan's chest. She felt the vibration of Dan's soft laugh.
"Can you be a recluse when you're with someone else?" Dan asked, stroking her back. She couldn't see his face, but she could imagine his soft smile that contained a hint of a smirk. He loved to get a rise out of her by debating semantics.
"You know what I mean," Blair said, giving his chest a playful slap. "When's the last time either of us communicated with the outside world when it didn't involve going to class or ordering food?"
"I'll have you know I went to family brunch...three weeks ago," Dan said sheepishly. He pulled her in tighter. "Is it wrong that I'm just enjoying this time with you?"
Blair smiled and leaned up to give him a soft kiss. "I'm enjoying this too," she admitted and laid her head back on his chest.
Blair had experienced honeymoon periods before, but this thing with Dan was beginning to get out of hand. For nearly two months, she had barely spoken to anyone besides Dan. Of course, this was largely because her family was in Europe, and no one else was really speaking to her either. It was for the best that she and Chuck weren't on speaking terms, and Nate seemed to be avoiding her out of solidarity. She and Serena would exchange pleasantries when they crossed paths, but it was difficult to have normal conversations when they were both studiously avoiding the reason Blair had been largely AWOL and looked sublimely happy all the time.
If pressed, Blair would admit that she missed Serena. She wished she could dreamily tell Serena how happy she had been during these two months. She also wished Serena were there to reassure her that everything would be okay when the honeymoon period ended and the outside world finally entered their little cocoon.
Blair was startled out of her revelry by a soft kiss to her hairline.
"What are you thinking?" Dan asked.
"I'm just thinking about what happens when we re-enter reality," Blair sighed.
"Who's to say this isn't reality? It feels very real to me," Dan said before suddenly shifting their bodies so she was on her back and he was looking down at her. He ran a hand through her hair, staring into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her softly. She grabbed onto his head to pull him closer, deepening the kiss.
"While you make a convincing argument," Blair said breathlessly, "We will have to leave this bed sometime. Don't you worry about when the other shoe is going to drop?"
"Sometimes," Dan admitted, still hovering over her. "But I try not to worry too much about what might happen. I'm trying something new right now: enjoying the moment."
"I'm not very good at that," Blair told him honestly. She was always planning ten steps ahead, wanting to be ready for any eventuality. When she had truly lived in the moment in the past, things tended to blow up in her face. She remembered being stranded at the helipad or the look in Louis' eyes when she confessed that she had cheated on him after the guilt had become too much. Maybe she would have better luck with Dan.
"I'm not saying I'm good at it," Dan laughed. "But right now it seems to be working for me."
"Maybe you can help me," Blair said suggestively, leaning up to kiss him.
"I think you just need to try using baby steps," Dan said close to her mouth. "Here's my suggestion: It's Friday night. Until Sunday, we are going to lock ourselves in the loft just as we have been, watching movies, talking and making love, not necessarily in that order. I am forbidding any talk about the future until Sunday; we're just going to enjoy being us for two more days."
"But someday, we're going to have to face other people," Blair protested.
Dan put a finger on her lips to silence her. "It's just us here in this bed," Dan told her seriously, looking deeply into her eyes. "No one else is allowed."
"I'm done worrying until Sunday," Blair finally agreed, kissing him with clear intent. He returned the kiss, and as he moved his hands over her body she found herself able to forget the outside world.
Late Saturday morning, Blair found herself again in bed with Dan, her head on his chest as they gathered themselves. She had to admit that she was pretty content living in the moment with him.
She propped her head on her hands to look at him, her head still on his chest and her legs tangled in his. "You know what I like about us?" she asked with a smile.
"I feel like you're trying for something serious here, but you're leaving a wide opening for me to say something suggestive," Dan said teasingly.
"Well, clearly I like that," she said. "But the other thing I like is our balance."
"How so?" Dan asked curiously.
"I like that in some ways I hardly knew you at all before last year, and because of that I discover things about you that surprise me all the time," Blair explained. "On the other hand, with our insular circle I feel like I know all your dirty secrets. I bet I could name every girl you've been with, even the ones you would normally avoid mentioning to a new girlfriend. "
"Yes, with anyone else Georgina would be a skeleton I would probably try to keep in the closet," Dan agreed.
"But, for better or for worse, your past romantic dalliances are an open book," Blair teased. "I even know about your ill-advised threesome with Vanessa."
"I think we're beginning to stray from living in the moment," Dan protested. "But I will say that it goes both ways. Between Gossip Girl and our friends, I feel like you don't have much left to hide either. It saves us from awkward discussions involving lists and numbers."
"I count six girls. Am I right?"
Dan rolled his eyes. "I guess we weren't saved from it after all," he said then paused for a moment. "But yes, six girls would be accurate."
"So, what do you calculate?" Blair asked him, pretty sure Gossip Girl had allowed her no elusive men. Elusive encounters, yes, but all the men she had been with were public knowledge.
"You know what? I would just as soon not think about that right now, maybe never," Dan groaned. "I know it's all rather caveman-like of me, but I try to blank out any images of you being like this with other guys. It tends to bring out my insecurities," he admitted, avoiding her eyes upon this last confession.
She almost laughed at him for being insecure, as their marathon sessions in his bed should have tipped him off that she was completely satisfied. She wasn't quite sure how to articulate it to him yet, but she had never experienced anything quite like her sexual relationship with Dan, and the physical aspect was only a small part of it. While Chuck had served as her physical sexual awakening, Dan had given her a sexual awakening of a completely different kind. She was beginning to realize that the during was only one part of the picture. With an attentive partner who saw to her needs, she was learning that she would likely always feel satisfied physically. While she wouldn't go so far as to say that it was all the same in the dark, the biggest difference with Dan was in the after.
With Chuck, they would rarely talk after. The after was usually reserved for going to sleep after a particularly strenuous encounter or for continuing the physical until they were ready to go again. With Louis, there had been a lot of grand romantic words at the beginning, and eventually they would just say goodnight and turn away from each other to sleep. With Dan, the after was almost the best part. Almost.
She wasn't sure why she had been surprised that Dan was a talker during the afterglow, but something about the combination of pheromones, a dark room and the intimacy of a shared bed made him open up. Sometimes she would sprinkle light kisses on his face and chest as he told random stories from his childhood. She would feel slightly startled at times, as she often forgot that he had lived 16 years before he had entered Serena's orbit. He would talk about how he used to longingly wish to be a part of the inner circle at St. Jude's, and how the feeling of rejection was a big part of his self-righteousness. She found herself sharing in return, as sometimes he would be the one lightly kissing and touching her body as she shared parts of herself she rarely spoke about. She told him about the bulimia, and how hard she was always working to find happiness. These moments of openness often served as foreplay, as each new confession made her feel closer to him and the need to connect again would become overwhelming.
Dan's display of insecurity made her want to tease him because it was so ridiculous, but he looked too vulnerable to twist the knife, even in jest. Instead, she told him the truth. "I've never been like this with other guys," she said sincerely before kissing him and resting her head on his chest contentedly as he stroked her back.
Sunday arrived, and they decided to dip a toe into the real world by having brunch outside the confines of the loft. Blair mocked him when he ordered waffles.
"I've gotta keep some of my Humphrey authenticity," he told her.
"Please," she scoffed. "It's a wholegrain waffle sprinkled with flaxseed and has a pomegranate compote on the side. Not to mention your eight dollar French press of organic coffee."
"There's so much you still don't understand about my Brooklyn upbringing," Dan said, shaking his head. "This meal is totally in line with my hipster pretentiousness."
"You're just so misunderstood."
"I'm glad you're beginning to understand that," Dan said in a mock serious tone.
They grinned at each other across the table and their gazes held. Looking into his affectionate brown eyes, she fought the urge to tame his mussed hair that somehow had become endearing. She felt a wave of affection wash over her, followed by a pang in her chest that nearly took her breath away.
"I love you," she said unthinkingly, with a sense of wonderment. Her eyes widened after the confession, not knowing if she'd made a mistake. She didn't want to take it back, but she was truly terrified that he might not be feeling what she was feeling. She had fully expected that he would be one to say it first.
He stared at her in shock for a moment, then his face lit up with the brightest smile she had ever seen. His eyes were shining when he finally spoke again. "I love you too," he said sincerely, his eyes never leaving hers. He reached for her hand and began to slowly stroke the top of her hand with his thumb.
She wasn't sure if she had ever felt so light. Suddenly, Dan's words about love from high school started running through her head, and if possible, her own smile got even wider.
"What?" he asked curiously, noticing the change in her expression.
"You were right," she told him giddily.
"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Dan asked, clutching his chest mockingly. "I was pretty sure someday you would tell me you loved me, but I never thought I would hear those three magic words."
She withdrew her hand from his and slapped his arm. "I'm trying to have a moment here, and you're ruining it," she chided, the sting taken away by the fact that she was still grinning like an idiot. "And wipe that smirk off your face."
"I don't know if I physically can."
Blair rolled her eyes and decided to forge on with her point, the moment ruined or not. Her smile went from teasing to wistful as she spoke. "You were right all those years ago," she explained. "It felt incredible to say those words and have you say them back. And if you ask me which three words, I take it all back."
He reached for her hand again, and his smirk was replaced with a soft smile. "I'm sorry," he told her earnestly. "Unfortunately, one of the things I love about you is how easy it is to get a rise out of you. You can see my internal conflict."
"Shut up," she said, unable to hide her accompanying smile and giggle.
Suddenly, Blair's mind switched gears. It felt so good to be this open with Dan that maybe it was time to put herself out there again. Feeling brave, she stood up and leaned over to kiss Dan's cheek.
"I'm sorry, I have to go," Blair said. Dan looked understandably puzzled. "I love you," she said, it already becoming easy to say freely.
"I love you too," Dan said with a smile. "Tell Serena I said hi."
Blair entered the penthouse not even sure if Serena was there. All she knew was that she was feeling powerful and brave, and that she wanted her best friend back. Luckily, Dorota confirmed to her that Serena was in her room, so the moment was hopefully not lost.
Serena's door was open, so Blair entered without knocking. Serena looked up from the magazine she was reading, startled.
"I love you, S," Blair said without any preamble, tears welling up in her eyes.
Serena sighed and set aside the magazine. "I love you too, B," she said. "And on some level I'll always love Dan. That's the problem. You put whatever competitive hormonal urges you have ahead of our friendship. Did you just lie in wait for four years for Dan to show some interest to finally get your revenge over Nate?"
Blair stepped back like she had been struck. "Is that really what you think?"
"What am I supposed to think?" Serena shrugged. "One minute you hate Dan, the next you're sneaking around with him as friends who occasionally kiss before you get engaged to a prince. Then the next thing I know you're in a relationship with him, but all you've ever told me is that you and Dan have a connection I could never understand with my level of intellect."
"I'm in love with him," Blair spit out. Serena gaped at her, clearly in shock. "It's been creeping up on me slowly, but he makes me really happy. I just told him I loved him, and then I came straight here because none of it seems real if I can't share it with my best friend."
She hoped she hadn't made things worse with this confession, but she was completely unprepared for Serena's response. Serena burst into a huge fit of laughter, to the point where she was wiping tears from her eyes as she tried to control herself.
"You think it's funny that I love Dan?" Blair asked, puzzled. Surely if there was anything Serena could understand, it was how easy it was to fall in love with Dan Humphrey.
"No, B, it's not that," Serena said, smiling and seemingly not angry anymore. "It's just that when I first told Dan that I loved him, I immediately ran off to make sure you didn't leave for France."
"Dan did tell me to say hi for him," Blair said, and she began to laugh as well.
Serena stood up from the bed. "Come here, B," Serena ordered, opening her arms. Blair readily walked into Serena's embrace, feeling relieved.
"We're all seriously fucked up, aren't we?" Blair said lightly.
"Can we hang out tonight, just the two of us?" Serena asked. "I can't promise that it won't be awkward when Dan's name comes up, but I miss you. I miss him too, but I'm not quite ready to face you two together. Is that okay?"
"We'll take it one day at a time," Blair said. "I'm trying this thing called living in the moment."
Blair almost felt bad when she called Dan to tell him she was spending the evening with Serena. He sounded so sad.
After hanging up, Blair turned her attention to Serena. "Not to immediately make things awkward, but I feel bad for Dan," Blair said.
"Why is that?"
"I think he's kind of lonely if I'm not around. Jenny and Vanessa left town. He doesn't talk to you for obvious reasons. I can't remember the last time he spoke to Nate," Blair said contemplatively. "I think he needs to have a best friend again."
Serena rolled her eyes. "Blair, far be it from me to give you relationship advice, but Dan really hates it when people try to control him."
"I just want to help, not control," Blair protested.
Serena shot her a knowing look. "Surely you're not going to try and get Vanessa to come back into town? I don't think even you could get Dan to speak to her again," Serena said worriedly.
"Ugh. I would never do that," Blair scoffed. "Dan's far better off without Vanessa in his life."
Blair suddenly smiled wide and picked up her phone. She quickly typed out a text and sent it, Serena staring at her curiously the whole time.
"What did you just do?" Serena asked skeptically.
"I hopefully set the wheels in motion for Dan to have a best friend again," Blair said. "Let's just say Nate is on his way to the loft as we speak."
Serena shook her head. "As conflicted as I was about you and Dan, I really hope this doesn't blow up in your face."
Blair rolled her eyes. "It's going to be fine," Blair said emphatically. "Those two just needed a push back together after fighting over you and whatever nefarious influence Chuck has over Nate."
Blair had intended to spend the whole night at the penthouse with Serena, but after sharing two bottles of wine Serena had pushed her out the door, knowing that Blair needed to see in person if her scheme had worked out.
Blair smirked when she entered the loft. Nate and Dan were sitting on the couch watching some sporting event, a row of empty beer bottles in front of them. They looked relaxed, leaning back in their nearly matching plaid shirts.
"I see you boys are having fun," Blair said slyly.
Dan stood up and gave her a quick kiss before wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "Yes, I was pretty moved by Nate's relief at finding out that my not life not being in peril," Dan said teasingly. "After that we decided it was about time that we started hanging out again."
"I knew it!' Blair said triumphantly. "Serena doubted me, but I told her Dan needed to have a best friend again. And Nate, you can do so much better than Chuck."
Nate rolled his eyes. "As I told Dan, I can be friends with both Dan and Chuck just like always," Nate explained as though he was talking to a third grader. It was a bit shocking to hear Nate speak so condescendingly. "You guys dating should have nothing to do with it."
"I just didn't want to make things awkward for you on the home front," Dan said sheepishly.
"I'm just glad we cleared the air," Nate said as he stood up. "Thank you, Blair, even if I did narrowly miss about five accidents because I kept yelling at the cab driver to get me here faster."
"Anytime," Blair said, giving Nate a quick hug.
"See you later, man," Nate said to Dan. "I'll text you about soccer."
"Sounds good. Goodnight," Dan said with a wave as Nate left.
After the door closed, Dan drew Blair into his arms and kissed her soundly. "While part of me feels like I should be angry, I'm glad you gave me the push to talk to Nate," Dan said after they broke apart. "I think you realized before I did that I missed him."
"After reconnecting with Serena, I just wanted you to be as happy as I am," she told him before she kissed him again, happy that her plan had worked. She broke away to work on unbuttoning his shirt.
He surprised her by scooping her up in his arms and depositing her on the couch. "I love you," he told her before he kissed her again, pressing her into the couch.
They were both still tipsy from their respective evenings, so Blair was feeling especially talkative as she laid on the couch wrapped in Dan's arms, a blanket tossed haphazardly over their cooling bodies.
Blair giggled mischievously before giving Dan a quick kiss. "You know, Serena and I have kissed a few times," she told him.
"Really?" Dan asked. It was dark, but Blair could sense his eyebrows go up.
"Yeah, just every now and then, mainly to get guys' attention when we were younger," Blair said, planting a kiss on Dan's chest.
"Should I be jealous?" Dan asked lightly.
"No," Blair said shaking her head before moving up to kiss Dan's neck. "Unfortunately, I seem to only be attracted to guys," Blair said into his ear. She tilted her head up to kiss him on the mouth briefly before pulling away.
"Tease," he chided.
"What about you?" she asked, stroking his chest suggestively.
"What about me?" he asked, slightly breathless.
"Have you ever hooked up with a guy?" She was pretty sure she knew the answer. After all, his sexual history was an open book.
She felt him tense beneath her and her eyebrows shot up.
"Wait, seriously?" she asked.
When he still didn't say anything, she gave his shoulder a light shove. "Stop teasing me," she pouted.
Dan seemed to recover somewhat and pulled her closer. "I think we've established that you're the tease," he said suggestively. He leaned up and kissed her deeply, succeeding in momentarily distracting her.
She broke the kiss, not to be deterred. "You're evading the question," she said, her heart sinking for reasons she couldn't explain.
"You noticed," Dan sighed. "Promise not to overreact," he said pleadingly.
"Just tell me," she snapped. "I'll decide what the proper reaction is."
Dan ran a hand through his hair, clearly nervous.
"Fine," he said. "Over winter break Nate and I got wasted, both drugs and alcohol were involved, and we hooked up. We've still never talked about it, and things were super awkward for a long time. We talked here and there, but things never felt the same again until tonight. So, thanks again for that?"
Dan said all of this in one breath, all the words flying out in rapid succession. Blair alcohol-addled mind could barely take it all in. She gaped at him in shock.
"It would really make me feel better if you said something," Dan said nervously, his body stiff.
"Nate was gone over break," Blair said confused. She had a lot of questions, but she figured the when was probably one of the more innocuous details.
"It was his last night in town. We hung out at the Empire after you left that night," Dan explained. Nate had returned right around the time that Blair and Dan had finished the dishes. Dan had chided Nate about showing up just when all the work was done. Blair had left them alone, rolling her eyes at the pair of them.
"Nate complained about how Serena invited me on the road trip right in front of him," Dan continued. "I complained about how I seemed to have put my life on hold for Serena, and that I was done with that. There was a joint and many, many beers. The rest is pretty hazy."
"Do you need to know anything else?" Dan asked gently. "It really didn't mean anything. I just figured it was my moment of college sexual confusion. It came and went pretty quickly."
Blair could practically feel Dan grimace at his choice of words.
"What exactly do you mean when you say you hooked up? You just kissed, right?" Blair asked, feeling a sense of déjà vu.
"No," Dan said softly. "We, uh….did more than kiss, but less than, you know, uh, intercourse."
"Thanks for that clinical description," Blair said testily. She wasn't sure why she kept pressing the issue. She knew it shouldn't matter. It was the past, and Dan loved her. Yet somehow it hurt her deeply to find this out, and she was angry at herself for being so irrational.
"Did you want details?" Dan asked confusedly.
"No, of course not," Blair said truthfully. She definitely did not want details.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Dan said. "It wasn't just my secret, and since Nate and I have never spoken about it…."
"So, when you told me you'd been with six people, that was a lie?"
"Well, technically, I told you I'd been with six girls," Dan said sheepishly.
"You're debating semantics right now?"
She felt Dan's body tense even more. "Sit up," he said tersely. She complied, allowing him to move from below her. He snatched his boxers from the floor and put them on before he stood up, pacing the room.
He finally turned to her. "Why are you so upset? Not every guy with a bi-curious moment will become your father," he told her, some anger flaring into his voice. "I thought you trusted me."
"I did until I found out you lied to my face," Blair spat out, still sitting on the couch wrapped in the blanket.
"I didn't lie; I might have withheld the truth some, but technically I didn't lie," Dan said. "When you asked me directly, I was honest with you."
He was right, but there was no way she was going to tell him that. She actually understood his reasoning for not telling her until he was pressed. There was a very good possibility she would have gone and confronted Nate directly, making everyone's lives more awkward.
"I know. I'm sorry I even brought the subject up." Blair said sadly. "I honestly thought the answer was no. That'll teach me to ask a question you don't want the answer to."
"I really am sorry for being evasive," Dan said, moving to sit by her on the couch again. "I know it seems like a lifetime ago that I said it, but I do love you. I only want to be with you."
She leaned in to kiss him, feeling slightly better. "Let's move to your bedroom; it's more comfortable there," Blair suggested. For the second time that night, Dan scooped her up in his arms.
Afterwards, they didn't speak. Blair turned on her side, facing away from Dan as she tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep. When she knew Dan had fallen asleep, she quietly picked up her clothes and snuck out.
Her phone rang as she walked out of her first class. She didn't have to look at it to know it was Dan.
"Hey," she said in as normal of a voice as she could muster. Surprisingly, this had been their first real fight. She wasn't quite sure where they stood.
"I was sad when I woke up alone this morning," Dan said by way of greeting. "Are we okay?"
"Of course," Blair said in an even tone. "I just realized I didn't have any clothes for class so I went home. You were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you."
Dan didn't say anything for a moment. "Are you there?" she finally asked.
"Yeah, sorry," he said distractedly. "Uh, I just wanted to let you know Nate invited me to play soccer with his club team tonight. Is that okay?"
"Why wouldn't it be okay?"
"Uh, no reason," Dan said awkwardly. "So, do you want to come by later tonight?"
"I think I need a night in my own bed," Blair said. "I'll just hang out with Serena tonight."
"All right, I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Dan said, sounding resigned. "I love you."
"You too. Have fun with Nate tonight."
The next night, Blair was feeling better about things and was ready proceed as though they'd never fought. She was still trying to sort through the reasons she was so upset. She knew some of it stemmed from her father, part from her general insecurities, and another part was from the niggling feeling that she trusted Dan less today than she did a week ago. She had never realized how much comfort she had taken from the belief that no one from Dan's past would come back and haunt them. She was half-joking when she'd told Dan that his romantic past was an open book, but it had been something she had liked about him. Now she wasn't so sure if she knew him as well as she thought she did.
The one thing she did know was that she did still love him. She still wanted to be with him, and one important aspect of dating Dan was to be in the same room as Dan. She smiled as she called him, feeling a bit silly because she missed him after spending just one day apart.
"Hey you," Dan said warmly. "Would it be creepy for me to tell you that I miss you?"
"It's only been a day," Blair said, happy he couldn't see her smile through the phone. "What are you up to tonight?"
"Right now Nate is over and we're watching some God forsaken horror movie. Chuck apparently is doing things in the suite that Nate would rather not be around for," Dan explained. "Do you want to come over? We would outnumber Nate and we could improve the movie selection."
"No, that's okay," Blair sighed. "The plans I had for you are probably pretty similar to what Nate is avoiding at Chuck's."
"That's just cruel," Dan complained. "Do you want to come over later?"
"Later would be pretty late, I imagine. How long before you think the suite would be safe?"
"You really are cruel," Dan said. "You can't see me, but I am shuddering at the mere thought."
"Nate really does need to find a new sanctuary," Blair sighed.
"If you have any suggestions, let me know," Dan laughed. "I would say see you tomorrow, but I actually have soccer again."
"I suppose absence makes the heart grow fonder," Blair said.
Blair knocked on Serena's door, hoping for some company. When she entered, she found Serena doing something unusual. She appeared to actually be studying.
"Hey, B," Serena said, barely looking up from her book.
"Big exam?" Blair asked skeptically.
"Yeah," Serena sighed. "I figured it was time to buckle down. Plus, I have no boy to distract me for once."
"I guess I should hit the books too, seeing as though I'm in the same boat," Blair said.
"Did something happen between you and Dan?" Serena asked in a concerned tone, finally looking up from her book.
"No, not really," Blair said, not wanting to share details she was pretty sure Dan didn't want Serena to know. "Nate's just over at the loft. Again. They're just such boys when they're together."
"Yeah, I'm not sure Dan's as comfortable with anyone as he is with Nate," Serena said with a fond smile. "It's kind of cute."
"Their relationship is just so easy," Blair said.
Serena shrugged. "They barely spoke for a long time, though I guess I'm partly to blame for that," Serena said sadly. "I really miss Nate sometimes myself."
Picking up on Serena's wistful look, Blair suddenly had an idea. "Why don't all four of us hang out at the loft on Friday? I have a feeling Nate will be there," Blair said, rolling her eyes. "It would be fun to have my own reenforcement."
"I don't know," Serena hedged. "Wouldn't it be kind of weird for the four of us to hang out?"
You don't know the half of it, Blair thought internally. "It's bound to happen sometime. Let's just grab the bull by the horns and do it now," Blair said out loud instead.
"Okay," Serena said, still looking uncertain.
On Friday, Blair dragged Dan to the store for provisions. Dan looked at his phone distracted. "You did tell Nate and Serena to come at 7, right?"
"Yeah," Blair said, making a show of choosing a bottle of wine as she tried not to smile.
"Funny, because Nate just sent me a text asking where I am, saying you told him to come at 6," Dan said. "Luckily, Nate still has a key."
Blair selected a bottle of wine and placed it in their basket. She looked up to see Dan staring at her.
"What?" she asked innocently.
"You know they're not zoo animals," Dan said. "You can't just place them in a room for an hour and expect them to mate."
Blair shot him a look. "It is Nate and Serena. I also might have dropped by the loft and made sure there was a bottle or two of champagne," Blair said.
"Is this because you want our friends to find happiness together, or because you want Nate and I to spend less time together?" Dan asked suspiciously.
"Serena told me she misses Nate," Blair said defensively. "And Nate is clearly lonely if he's spending all his time with you. Plus, is it so wrong if I miss spending time alone with you?"
Dan softened, but didn't seem entirely convinced. "It's not. I just wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you," Dan said, leaning down to give her a quick kiss.
"We'll see," Blair said smugly.
When they opened the door to the loft, Blair saw Nate and Serena quickly break apart. Their hair was messy and their clothing slightly disheveled. Blair just smirked at Dan and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.
Blair stayed behind after Nate and Serena left, happy to finally have Dan to herself again.
"That went well, don't you think?" Blair asked conversationally.
Dan wrapped his arms around her from behind. "It all went according to your diabolical plan," he said teasingly into her ear.
"It's not diabolical when it's at least 50 percent altruistic," she protested.
"I guess not," Dan chuckled. "Nate and Serena did seem eager to get out of here, and also happy to hear that you were staying with me tonight."
"I'm happy I'm staying with you tonight too," Blair said, turning around in his arms and drawing him into a kiss. The kiss quickly turned passionate, and they left a trail of clothing behind them as they maneuvered to the bedroom.
"God, I missed you," Dan said before they fell onto the bed.
They laid in bed in a comfortable silence, Blair's head resting on Dan's chest. She was enjoying the feeling of being in his arms again and the safe haven of Dan's bed.
"Are we okay?" he asked softly as though he was afraid of waking someone.
"Yeah, of course we are," Blair said softly in return, not wanting to break the spell.
She could feel Dan stiffen slightly, hesitating before he spoke again. "You know, Nate and Serena dating isn't going to solve our problems if you feel you can't trust me."
"I know," she said. "I want to trust you. In my mind, I trust you completely. In my heart, I can still feel the pain from Nate and Serena, or my father leaving us for a man, or
Chuck trading me for a hotel. It doesn't help that you and Nate have the kind of easy relationship that Serena and Nate always did, an easy relationship which I chose to ignore for years."
"You're threatened by Nate? For some reason I had expected Serena to be an issue at some point, but I'll admit I didn't see this one coming," Dan said in an exasperated tone.
"Nate's just a male version of Serena without all the baggage," Blair said bitterly. "You didn't see this coming because you didn't want me to find out."
Dan sat up, pulling away from her. He crossed his arms over his chest, ready to go on the offensive. "You seem to have this idea that I betrayed you because I didn't tell you everything right at the moment you wanted to hear it," Dan said angrily. "So, Blair, tell me something. Why did you and Louis really break up? Don't give me the bullshit answer about how you were lonely and unhappy and realized that what made you happy was talking to me once a week."
Blair moved from her reclining position to sit up straight. "That's the truth," she said in a weak voice.
"Is it the whole truth?" She could feel Dan staring daggers at her.
"No," Blair said, defeated. She felt her eyes fill with tears, and she couldn't bring herself to form the words. "But you already know, don't you?"
"About you fucking Chuck while you were engaged to Louis?" Dan asked coldly.
"How did you know?"
"How do you think, Blair?"
"Of course he told you," Blair said resignedly. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"He came to the loft about a month ago. He must have had someone watching the loft, because otherwise it was something of a miracle that he picked the two hours that whole week that you weren't with me," Dan explained. "At first, he said everything I expected him to say: that you two were inevitable, that I could never hold onto someone like you. I told him you chose Louis and then you chose me; that you finally had come to your senses and that you hadn't been with Chuck in over a year. Then of course he told me that you were willing to leave a prince for him, and he suggested I step quietly aside before you made the same decision again. I decided not to say anything to you because if I let him get to me, he wins."
Blair could hear the hurt in Dan's voice. She had a feeling he had been suppressing it for a long time.
"So you didn't confront me because of Chuck? Should I be worried about you two being alone together too?"
"No, Blair, I don't give a shit if Chuck feels he won some points in his endless territorial battle with me," Dan said, the hurt and anger taking over. "I felt if I brought Chuck into our relationship that I'd risk losing you. I knew we wouldn't last if I let my insecurities overtake me. You're all that mattered."
"Are you mad that I didn't tell you?" Blair asked, knowing she probably didn't want the answer.
"I was somewhat mad that you didn't tell me, but I could understand on some level why you wouldn't want to start our relationship with that kind of bombshell," Dan said. "What hurt was that it happened at all. I was there pining for you ever since our staged kiss, but I pushed those feelings down because all your dreams were coming true with Louis. Then I find out that you were willing to sacrifice everything for Chuck, even after everything he's done."
"It was just closure," Blair tried to explain.
"I haven't been with Serena in over two years. Do you think we just need to fuck again and get it over with?"
"You have no right to be angry with me over this," Blair said defensively. "It has nothing to do with you."
"I know," Dan said almost too calmly. "And that's why I didn't say anything. I knew my hurt was irrational and I didn't want the past to mess us up when the present was going so well. I guess I didn't do very well at living in the moment after all. I guess you were right."
"About what?"
"About what would happen once we returned to reality and interacted with other people again. I brushed you off when you worried. As it turns out, you were right," Dan said sadly.
"I didn't want to be right," Blair said, the tears falling in earnest now.
"I know," Dan said, reaching out to pull her against him in a comforting gesture. She relented for a moment, then pulled away. She stood up and grabbed her dress from the floor, pulling it over her head.
"Where does this leave us?" she asked. "I don't want to break up."
"I guess we take time to think," Dan said. "And just to be clear, I'm not talking about the kind of break where it's okay for you to get more closure with Chuck."
"Fine," Blair said. "Just so long as you realize gay hookups count just the same as crazy Serena stalkers."
Angrily, Blair hunted out her underwear and shoes in the living room, deciding to abandon her ruined stockings. As she got into a cab, she started to cry. She gave the driver her address, knowing she might not want to be at the penthouse right now. She decided to write Serena a text warning her that she would be home soon. She just prayed that she got it. The last thing Blair needed was to overhear Nate and Serena reuniting all night long.
When Blair wearily stepped into her room, Nate and Serena were waiting for her.
"You look horrible, B," Serena said. "What happened?"
"Do you need me to kick Dan's ass?" Nate asked. "He's my friend, but so are you."
Blair shook her head at the irony of the situation, but she felt legitimately touched that her friends were there to support her.
"Can we talk in the morning? I just don't think I can get into it tonight," Blair said.
"Yeah, we can do that," Serena said, she and Nate standing up to leave. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I don't think so, but talking about it won't help right now."
The next morning, Blair was awakened by Dorota carrying a tray of food. Nate and Serena trailed closely behind. Dorota left as her friends entered.
"So, does everything look better in the morning?" Serena asked hopefully.
"No, in fact, it seems all the more hopeless," Blair said, feeling depressed.
"So, I called Dan," Nate said cautiously.
"And?" Blair said tersely.
Nate looked at the ground. "He told me you're fighting because of me."
Serena turned to Nate, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Dan and Nate gave each other hand jobs. Or maybe blow jobs. Dan wasn't clear on the details. Something less than intercourse and something more than kissing," Blair said bluntly.
Serena's eyes widened in shock. "Dan cheated on you?" she asked, surprised.
"No," Nate said quickly. "This happened almost a year ago."
"Then why are you so upset, B? Is it because of your dad?" Serena asked.
"Why does everyone assume it's because of my dad? Of course, that's part of it. I know Roman wasn't my dad's first-it's just that neither of my parents acted like the other little dalliances counted. So, you can imagine how I felt when Dan failed to mention his tryst with Nate," Blair said in a rush.
"Blair..." Nate tried to interject.
"Or maybe it's because Nate's Nate, not just because he's a guy. Maybe it's because Nate and Dan have such an easy relationship, and we're anything but easy," Blair continued, feeling slightly better having articulated some of her issues. Blair almost went on, reminding them of how their joint betrayal still stung, but she stopped herself. She really didn't want to drive everyone away right now.
To her surprise, Nate laughed. Blair glared at him. "What?" she asked venomously.
"Honestly, I don't think Dan nor I even remember that night," Nate said. "It really didn't mean anything. It just led to six months of us being awkward. Neither of us want that to happen again. Plus, I'm pretty sure he was beginning to fall for you even back then."
Nate turned to Serena. "Sorry, if this is awkward for you."
Serena shrugged. "I'm getting used to it."
"I don't remember a ton from that night," Nate admitted sheepishly. "But I do remember after we'd had about three beers Dan started to complain that I was abandoning him in the city with only Blair Waldorf to talk to."
"That's not helping, Nate," Blair interrupted.
"Do you know what he said then?" Nate asked as though she hadn't interrupted. "He leaned in and said, 'Let me tell you a secret Nate. I'm actually hoping I run into Blair over break. After our road trip, she's really grown on me. She keeps me on my toes.'"
Blair looked at him skeptically. "He really said all that, verbatim?"
"Maybe not verbatim," Nate admitted. "I was pretty drunk. He definitely said the part about hoping to run into you and that you keep him on his toes."
"Aw, he likes that you're difficult," Serena said sweetly.
She turned to Nate and narrowed her eyes. "So, soccer is really just soccer, right?" she asked.
"Yes, there's a real team and everything, Blair," Nate told her. "You can come watch anytime you like."
She scrunched her nose. "I'll take your word for it," Blair said. "And Dan's," she added with a smile.
Blair approached the door to the loft with no small amount of trepidation. After talking to Nate, she felt better about everything. She just hoped she and Dan hadn't said anything that they couldn't take back. She was quickly learning that they both fought dirty. She supposed she'd always known that, but it didn't hurt back when she viewed him as an adversary.
She knocked tentatively, resisting the urge to enter with her key. Dan answered almost immediately, looking decidedly disheveled. He was wear a flannel shirt and jeans, and he clearly hadn't shaved that day. His hair was was going in about fifty directions. She figured he had run a hand through it in frustration or anxiousness throughout the day.
"Hi," she said shyly. "Can I come in?"
Dan made a welcoming motion with his arm. "Of course," he said kindly.
Blair sat down on the couch, and Dan sat beside her. She had no clue where to begin, and it seemed neither did he.
"I've been writing you a letter," Dan said. "It's a really long letter. I started working on it shortly after you left and have only stopped for food and restroom breaks since."
"You haven't slept?" Blair asked worriedly.
"Sleep is for the weak," Dan said as he smiled weakly.
"I'm sorry," she blurted out. "I'm sorry for overreacting about you and Nate. I'm sorry that you had to hear about my mistake with Chuck from the absolute worst source. I'm just sorry..."
"It's okay," he said with a shrug. "It didn't seem okay yesterday, but I think it really is okay. I'm sorry too. It's all in the letter, if you'll just let me finish it."
Blair rolled her eyes. "Does it say anything beyond 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you'?"
"It's much more heartfelt and eloquent than that," Dan said. "But yes, if you want the stripped down version, that about covers it."
She moved to place a knee on either side of his legs, straddling him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked him the eye. She was relieved to see no remnants of anger there, only love and affection. "How about we skip past the part where I read the letter as you watch the different expressions flicker over my face until it settles on one of love, and go straight to the makeup sex, which is really the whole goal of the letter?"
"You're so crass," Dan chided, but he leaned in to kiss her anyhow.
She broke away from the kiss, leaving his lap to stand up. She held out her hand to help him stand up.
"Bring the letter to the bedroom," she said suggestively. "You can read it to me after."
"But it's not done," he pouted, though he picked it up from the office on their way to the bedroom.
"You'll just have to improvise the rest," Blair said, pushing him onto the bed, sheets of the letter scattering around the room. "I'll work on giving your proper inspiration."
"Nothing's ever easy with you, is it?" Dan sighed affectionately.
"Nope," Blair agreed, stripping him of his shirt. "But you love that about me."