Here we are, probably the one I've been most looking forward to writing; the fanfic for my most favourite character, and the one that I would, without a doubt, take as mine if I somehow magically went into the Naruto universe...Uchiha Sasuke! If I could go into the Naruto universe, I would insert myself in Konoha before the Chuunin Exams and kick Sakura's ass right out of Team 7, then I'd get to have both Naruto and Sasuke mostly to myself...I say mostly because I'd of course let them have fun with each other too, seeing as SasuNaru is my most favourite of all the pairings I can think of. Of course, Naruto is also the character that I'm most like most of the time...I guess that means that I'm destined to have Sasuke for my own! Lol. But anyway, enough chatter.
This chapter was very heavily inspired by Deidara is my conscience who helped me come up with the vast majority of the ideas in here. I feel I need to put some warnings though...this chapter will involve a large amount of humour that may or may not seem funny to everybody. There will be many many many pairings in this, most for the sake of humour and others because I like them. Don't worry, there won't be any Uchihacest of any kind. I'm not quite that insane. The main focus of the fic, however, will be SasuNaru.
Today's chapter takes place sometime during Shippuden, but Sasuke never left Konoha. None of it has anything to do with any real plot, I just have to place it during Shippuden for morality reasons; there's stuff in here that I can't make little 12 & 13-year-olds do, despite the fact that they really don't seem as young as they are during the first series. Besides, I like Sai. XP I don't know why Sai is there if Sasuke never left...oh well. He just is, I guess. Lol. Okay, here goes! Please go forward with an open mind that is (hopefully) geared towards the humour side of things. XP
Chapter 12
Sasuke
It was July 23rd; Uchiha Sasuke's birthday. Just where was the youngest Uchiha? He was holed up in his room at his house, hoping desperately that nobody would come bug him. Naruto and Sakura had been badgering him since the beginning of January, trying to get him to reveal his birthdate, which Sasuke refused to tell them, until finally Kakashi got fed up and just told the other two. This was the only time Sasuke had felt the adverse effects of Kakashi knowing nearly everything about his three students.
So now here he was, more or less hiding out, for the simple reason that he really didn't want to celebrate his birthday; especially not with either Naruto or Sakura. Not that he had much of a problem with Naruto any more; the two of them had actually gotten closer as friends once Sasuke had finally put revenge out of his mind again. No, even though the boys were friends, Sasuke was wary of any party the blonde might decide to throw, especially after hearing what had happened at the last one, which Sasuke had "conveniently" been away for. He'd heard from Sai, however, that it was total chaos. Naruto had somehow managed to get his hands on enough alcohol for everyone at the party, which meant nearly every one of their friends, which had resulted in the party breaking up once a very drunk Kiba and Shino had started making out heatedly against a wall. Sasuke wanted to avoid anything like this at all costs, which was why he was hiding from Naruto and Sakura. Plus, he had never gotten drunk before, and wasn't all too sure what would happen if he did so, nor did he have any intention of finding out.
Of course, the universe wasn't going to make his life easy. It was almost as if a crazed fangirl who wanted to show her love of Sasuke by torturing him endlessly was the one in control of his life, because by around 6 pm, just when Sasuke had started to think that he might be safe, it finally occurred to Naruto to check for Sasuke at Sasuke's house.
"Sasukeeeeeeee!" Naruto called out as he knocked on the front door. "Are you in there?"
"No, go away," Sasuke replied, hoping the blonde would be stupid enough to buy it.
"Oh..." Naruto said. "Okay, well let me know when you're back, alright?"
"Sure, whatever." Sasuke listened in disbelief to Naruto's footsteps walking away, totally surprised it had actually worked. Just as he was starting to relax, however, Naruto's head popped in the window.
"Hah!" he cried out. "I knew you were actually here! I win!"
Sasuke groaned. "Go away, Naruto, I don't want to see you right now."
Naruto pouted cutely. "But Sasuke, I thought I was your friend," he whined.
"You are," the Uchiha said, completely unfazed by Naruto's attempt at persuasion. "I just don't want to deal with people right now."
Naruto decided to try a different tactic. "But it's your birthday! You've gotta come celebrate!"
"Not happening," Sasuke replied. "I heard what happened at the last party you threw."
"Everyone's already there, waiting for you though."
Sasuke fidgeted. He didn't like the thought of people waiting around indefinitely for him to show up to a place he didn't want to go to in the first place. "How many people is 'everyone'?" he asked reluctantly, and Naruto grinned.
"All our friends...and a giant cake."
Sasuke sighed. "Well, I suppose I should go, then, if people are waiting."
"And the cake, don't forget the cake. It's very important."
"Right, of course."
Naruto didn't even give Sasuke a chance to say or do anything else; he just jumped in through the window and grabbed Sasuke's wrist, then pulled him out the door. Sasuke was dragged all over the village, because Naruto seemed to think it necessary to tell each and every villager that it was Sasuke's birthday today, and that they were headed to a party. A few people asked to join in, and Naruto let them, completely ignoring Sasuke's protests.
After a long while, the two shinobi – and the rather large crowd of people who'd decided to join in – made it to a building Sasuke was fairly certain hadn't existed before, and Naruto led the way inside. Sure enough, all of Sasuke and Naruto's friends were inside, not to mention the giant pink cake which Naruto had said was important.
"Happy Birthday, Sasuke-kuuuuuuuun!" dozens of voices called out at the same time, though not all of them added the "-kun" at the end of course. Sasuke blinked rapidly a few times, taking it all in.
"Wow," was all he could say. "Naruto, I'm not too sure about this..." he started, but Naruto cut him off.
"Nuh uh, you're not getting out of it now." Naruto nodded to Sakura, who locked the door and then held up the key for everyone to see, before she tucked it securely away down her shirt. It would be safe from everyone there, especially from Sasuke. Though maybe he could bribe Ino to get it for him...nope. One look at the blonde girl told him that she was most definitely in league with Sakura and Naruto, and therefore wouldn't be any help to Sasuke, no matter what he tried. He sighed.
"Alright, well I'm here, so let's just get this over with," he said, and everybody cheered.
"Time for presents!" Naruto announced, and Sasuke groaned.
"You're kidding me..." he muttered. Immediately, every single person was crowded around Sasuke, trying to force their gifts upon him. He opened them all, one by one, and found just what he was expecting to find; a whole lot of weapons. He sighed. "Is this really the best you could all do?" he asked, and everyone looked at their feet sheepishly.
"We're sorry, Sasuke-kun," they said in unison, sounding very pathetic. Sasuke sighed again.
"It's okay," he said reluctantly. "I mean, I know I don't exactly make it easy for people to know what I like and what I don't like, so..." Everybody cheered at receiving Sasuke's "forgiveness".
"So when's the cake?" Sasuke asked, wanting to know what was so important about it that Naruto kept saying it was important, which it was.
"Not for a while," Naruto replied. "We're gonna play some games and stuff first!"
"YAY GAMES!" everyone cheered, and Sasuke sighed yet again. He seemed to be doing that a lot tonight.
"What kind of games?" he asked warily.
"Games that require us to all be drinking," Naruto replied with a huge grin, then he made a hand sign and a very large table appeared against one wall of the building, many bottles of alcohol covering it. Only problem was, Naruto made it appear on the outside of the building. He chuckled. "Oops," he said. "Guess I shouldn't have sampled the drinks already." Everybody but Sasuke laughed at that, and Naruto made the table appear inside this time.
"So wait," Sasuke said, "did you take the table from outside and put it in here, or are there two tables now?"
Naruto stopped to think about it for a second. "I dunno," he said finally. "Maybe we should go check."
"The door's locked, baka," Sasuke reminded him.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "I know that," he insisted. "Sakura-chan! Toss me the key!"
Sakura reached down her shirt and rummaged around in there for a while. All but Ino looked away, really not wanting to see more than they had to, and Sakura finally pulled out the key. "Here, Naruto, catch!" She threw it at Naruto. Unfortunately for him, she forgot how incredibly strong she was, and so the key hit him right in the forehead with enough force to knock him backwards a few feet.
"Ow!" he exclaimed, getting up and rubbing his head. The key fell off into his hand, and he grinned. "Thanks, Sakura-chan! Next time, maybe use a little less force though."
"Sorry," Sakura said, and Naruto walked over to the door, unlocking it. He paused for a moment, then turned and looked at the crowd.
"Make sure he doesn't escape," he told them, nodding to Sasuke. The crowd jumped on the Uchiha, piling on him. Poor Sasuke was flattened. Some birthday this is turning out to be, he thought to himself, and waited there, attempting to breathe, as Naruto went outside to see if the table was still there too. The blonde boy came back in, locked the door, and tossed the key back to Sakura, who was the only one not in on the dog pile. Even Akamaru was there, hence why it was called a "dog" pile. Sakura tucked the key safely away in her cleavage once more, and everybody got off of Sasuke, who took a few very deep breaths in relief.
"Okay, all is good," Naruto said once he came back in.
"There wasn't a second table out there?" Sasuke said after he finally got his breath back.
"Oh no, there was," Naruto replied. "But in about two seconds, it'll be in here too." He made another hand sign, and suddenly a second table – full of an equal amount of alcohol as the first one that appeared inside – appeared beside the first table.
"But are you sure that this table is really the one from outside, and not just a new one?" Kiba asked, and Sasuke shushed him.
"Don't make him go back outside to check!" the Uchiha exclaimed. Kiba rolled his eyes.
"Oh, come on, we're not that heavy," he said.
"Maybe not on your own," Sasuke admitted, "but together? Yeah, you guys are really heavy."
"Did you just call me heavy?" Chouji asked, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. "That's only one step away from calling me fat..."
"Hey, let's start the games already!" Naruto suggested, successfully avoiding what would likely be a very bad battle which would ruin all his hard work of decorating the place.
"Yeah!" everyone agreed, mostly for the same reason Naruto made the suggestion in the first place.
"I don't think that Kiba or Shino should get to drink this time around, though," Sai said. "I don't particularly want to see that again."
Both Kiba and Shino blushed, though it was impossible to tell with Shino.
"Hey, Kiba!" Naruto called, and his friend looked up. "So, did you actually get to see Shino's eyes that night?"
Suddenly, Sakura was at Naruto's side, looking at Kiba in total interest. "Yeah, did you? And if you did, can you describe them to us?"
Kiba blushed even deeper. "Umm...I dunno. If I did see, then I don't remember it. I was really drunk, after all..."
"No you weren't," Shino said quietly. "You told me yourself that you hadn't even had any-" He was cut off by Kiba's hand over his mouth.
"Shut up," the dog lover hissed. "I told you not to tell anyone that."
Everybody in the room was staring at the pair in total shock and silence.
"...So, um, Naruto," Ino started, "what was that about a game?"
"Oh, right." Naruto grinned. "Well, I figured we could play spin the bottle, or truth or dare, or something like that, only drunk, so it'd be way more fun."
"If we're going to drink, we should eat something first," Shikamaru said, taking it upon himself to be the responsible one there.
"Shikamaru's right," Chouji agreed. "But since there's no other food here...CAKE TIME!" Everyone cheered.
"Did somebody say 'cake time'?" a very creepy voice inquired. All the people gathered in the room shivered collectively, and looked towards the cake, from which the voice had emanated. As they all watched, the cake split in half, and the sight before them was so horrendous and mentally scarring that many of them threw up while others simply fainted. Sasuke's eyes widened, and he hid behind Naruto.
"Oh, come now, Sasuke-kun," the figure in the cake said with a malicious grin, while simultaneously wondering why the author didn't just say his name, seeing as he knew that many of the readers had likely already figured out his identity. Well, maybe the author just wanted to create some suspense! "I just came here to wish you a Happy Birthday...and remind you that my offer will always stand, no matter how long you stay here in this wretched village for."
"How...how did he even get here?" Sakura exclaimed once Sai had managed to wake her up with smelling salts, seeing as she was one of the ones that had fainted. "I thought he wasn't allowed in Konoha anymore!"
"I came in through the front entrance," Orochimaru replied simply, very happy that the author decided to quit with the suspense thing, as it really wasn't working, and was just making things complicated.
"But did you have to come wearing only a speedo?" Sasuke exclaimed, looking ready to throw up. For indeed, Orochimaru was standing there, inside Sasuke's now ruined, giant birthday cake, wearing nothing but a hot pink speedo that, quite frankly, looked way too tight for the snake sannin.
"Well, I haven't been to a birthday party in quite some time," Orochimaru admitted, "so I wasn't sure what to wear. But I thought you might appreciate this outfit, just a little."
"Hell no!" Sasuke tried desperately to look away, but found his eyes oddly drawn to this, as one might find oneself drawn to looking at a trainwreck. He shuddered and mentally cursed the author for putting him through this. The author just laughed in her maniacal way and ignored Sasuke's obvious discomfort. Of course, Naruto couldn't ignore the discomfort, and went up to Sasuke, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. Thankfully, this enabled Sasuke to look away from the very disturbing and, as already stated, mentally scarring image of Orochimaru, and instead focus on the lovely sight of Naruto's face. That beautifully tanned skin, those blue eyes like deep, deep oceans filled with compassion and love, that blonde hair that made Sasuke want to run his hands through it and make it messier than it ordinarily was...Sasuke once again found himself cursing the author.
"Ummm...Sasuke? You okay?" Naruto asked, blinking in total confusion. Sasuke was pleased to note that the blonde was also blushing lightly. "You've been staring at me for, like, five minutes."
"Hmm? Oh! Sorry." Sasuke looked away and cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway, let's figure out how to get this creeper out of here."
Orochimaru pouted. "But Sasuke-kun," he whined, "I'm here for you! Can't I stay and enjoy your party just a little bit longer?"
Sasuke shuddered. "No," he replied. "I won't let you stay. I want you out of here."
"What if I put more clothes on?" the snake sannin suggested. Sasuke debated this for a while.
"Well...how about you put more clothes on, and you stop trying to come onto me?" he said finally. "Then, maybe, I'll consider letting you stay."
Orochimaru pouted. "Oh, you're no fun," he said in the tone of a young child who was just informed she wasn't allowed to have a second scoop to her ice cream cone. "But fine, if there's any chance you'll let me stay..." He poofed away momentarily, then returned about five seconds later in a very tight, purple, leather suit that somehow showed more than the speedo had. Those who had puked at the previous sight now fainted, and those that had fainted now puked and then fainted. Sasuke screamed...like a little girl. He now cursed the author a thousand times over, but the author was laughing so hard at her own genius that she didn't care.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Sasuke yelled. "SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T SHOW OFF EVERY DISTURBING DETAIL OF YOU!"
Orochimaru pouted again, then poofed away and returned once more, this time wearing his usual outfit. Sasuke calmed down a little, though not very much. "I suppose that'll do," he said bitterly, and Orochimaru clapped his hands gleefully.
"Yay! I get to stay!" He giggled at the fact that he rhymed.
"I guess that means the cake is ruined," Chouji lamented, and Orochimaru shook his head.
"No no, not at all," he said, sliding a finger through the icing and then licking it off...very suggestively, as he looked straight at Sasuke. "The cake is still quite tasty."
The whole group shuddered at the thought of eating any cake that Orochimaru had been inside, especially as scantily clothed as he'd been previously.
"It's okay," Sasuke said, "I don't really like cake to begin with."
Orochimaru pouted. "You mean, I did all that for nothing?"
"Ummm...let's just get on with the games now, shall we?" Naruto suggested, and Sasuke nodded.
"Sure."
"Okay, everyone!" Naruto exclaimed. "Each of you go get some drinks, then everybody sit in a circle! We're going to play spin the bottle first!"
"I can see this ending badly," Sasuke muttered, but got into a circle with everybody anyway. Naruto placed an empty glass bottle in the center of the circle, then sat down directly across from where Sasuke was sitting.
"Alright, now for the rules," Naruto announced. "They're slightly modified, so listen up! Each person can only kiss or be kissed twice, which basically means that if I spin the bottle to land on Kiba, and then he spins it to land on...hmm...Hinata, then nobody else can get Kiba. If it landed on him again, whoever spun would have to spin again. This way, everybody will get a chance to play." He grinned. "Of course, if we all still feel like playing after everyone has been kissed, then we can start over."
"Who goes first?" Hinata asked, blushing at the thought of being kissed.
"Well, the birthday boy should, of course," Sakura replied, looking straight at Sasuke. "Have fuuuuuun," she winked.
Sasuke shuddered, but reluctantly reached out and spun the bottle. It spun rather nicely, and then all eyes were on it as it started to slow. It looked as though the bottle was going to land on Sakura – Sasuke shuddered again at the thought – but then there was a slight hissing noise and the bottle landed on Orochimaru, who was nowhere near Sakura. Sasuke's eyes widened and he stared at the sannin in absolute horror. Orochimaru grinned and started crawling towards the middle of the circle. Sasuke was frozen in terror.
"Go on, Sasuke, you've gotta play by the rules," Ino said with a giggle, pushing Sasuke a little. He fell, face first, onto the floor, and refused to move. Ino pushed him again, making him get up, and then she made him go forward again. He looked over at Naruto.
"What are the rules for kissing?" he asked through clenched teeth.
Naruto frowned, not looking too thrilled with this outcome. "Well, there really aren't any rules. I originally decided that the kisses could be whatever, but-"
"Excellent," Orochimaru said with a grin, and closed the space between him and Sasuke, taking the Uchiha boy's face in his hands. Sasuke squeezed his eyes and mouth shut as tightly as he could, but somehow Orochimaru's tongue made it past Sasuke's lips. Sasuke leaped backwards.
"No!" he exclaimed. "Just no! I won't let you kiss me, you creeper!"
Orochimaru pouted. "But Sasuke-kun..." he began, then was interrupted.
"NO!" Sasuke yelled. "There, I did what was necessary, and since there's no rules for kissing, then it's no longer my turn, right? Right. Good." He quickly scooted back to his seat and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at the bottle in the centre as though this was all its fault.
"I think that the rule for kissing should be that tongue is allowed and required," Sai suggested.
"NO!" several people at once exclaimed, all looking at Orochimaru, knowing that it would be his turn next.
"Tongue is allowed, but only if both participants are willing," Naruto amended. "But the only way to know whether someone is willing or not is to try. If the person pulls away, then it means they weren't willing, and nobody will force them. Got it?"
"That's no fun," Orochimaru whined, but he agreed too. He spun the bottle, and everyone watched in anticipation, hoping against hope that it wouldn't land on them. As the bottle slowed, all eyes were glued to it, and it finally landed on...Shikamaru. Everybody else cheered, because it wasn't them. Shikamaru didn't respond to it, as he was fast asleep. Orochimaru smirked and crawled across the circle to the Nara boy, kissing him rather forcefully, which served to awaken the poor kid. Shikamaru's eyes widened and he scrambled away from the ancient man.
"What the hell?" he exclaimed.
"Well, if you'd been paying any attention," Ino said, "you'd know that we're playing Spin the Bottle, so as disgusting as that was, it was necessary."
Shikamaru frowned at his teammate, and wiped his lips. Orochimaru settled back into his seat with a self satisfied smirk as Shikamaru took his turn spinning the bottle. Everyone watched, wondering why on earth the bottle was taking so long to finish spinning, when it landed on Temari.
"Hey, wait, why is she here?" Sasuke asked. "If this is my birthday party, why was she invited?"
Temari frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. "If you must know, my brothers and I were here in Konoha on business, as your Hokage had something to discuss with Gaara. We were just on our way back to Suna when the little blonde idiot intercepted us and said we absolutely had to come here today. Gaara agreed before either Kankurou or I were able to decline, so here we are." Without further ado, she took the initiative and went over to Shikamaru, straddling him as she kissed him deeply. Shikamaru was surprised for a moment, then held her close and returned the kiss only too happily. They continued kissing for quite a while until Kankurou cleared his throat.
"Um, Temari? Get on with the game now."
Temari pulled away and frowned at her brother before giving Shikamaru another quick peck and sliding off his lap, returning to her seat. Shikamaru stealthily took the hat off Chouji's head (though why Chouji was wearing a hat was beyond anyone) and covered his lap with it, much to the amusement of those whose attention was not on Temari.
The blonde girl spun the bottle, and it landed on Lee, who looked rather excited by the prospect of getting a turn after this. He rushed over to her and gave her a very quick peck on the lips before returning to his seat and hurriedly spinning the bottle, his eyes glued on Sakura in hopes he'd get her. Instead of the pink haired girl, however, the bottle pointed at Neji. The Hyuuga's expression was unreadable as he and Lee closed the gap between one another and kissed, though Hinata could have sworn she saw a look of triumph in her cousin's eyes before he closed them.
After that, Neji spun to land on Tenten, who spun to land on Kankurou, who spun to land on Temari and then had to spin again, landing instead on Shino, who spun to land on Kiba, who spun to land on Hinata, who spun to land on Chouji, who landed on Ino (Ino kept that short on account of her gag reflex making her want to barf into her teammate's mouth), who landed on Sakura (everybody averted their eyes for that one, especially when the blonde pinned the pinkette to the floor and nearly started undressing her), who landed on Gaara (which was a very short kiss), who landed on Naruto (a fairly passion-filled kiss on the part of the redhead...Naruto couldn't stop looking guiltily over at Sasuke the entire time), who landed on Sasuke.
The whole room (except for Orochimaru and Gaara) cheered at this, and Naruto grinned.
"So, wait, what do we do now?" Sasuke asked before Naruto kissed him. "I mean, I was first to spin, so does that mean that you don't kiss me because I've already gone?"
"No," Naruto said, "it means that I kiss you and the game ends, because everyone's been kissed. Well, everyone important, that is." The large amount of Konoha citizens who had joined the party impulsively made various noises of protest, which were quickly snuffed out as soon as the two boys locked lips.
The kiss started out rather hesitant on Sasuke's part, but with silent encouragement from Naruto, the raven haired boy gave in and held the blonde tightly as they kissed with more passion than Ino and Sakura had done, eliciting cheers and shouts of "Get a room!" from the various party goers. After what seemed like at least ten minutes of heated making out, the two boys finally pulled apart, staring into each other's eyes lovingly. Naruto caressed Sasuke's cheek gently, his sapphire eyes making the older boy melt beneath his touch.
"Happy Birthday," the blonde said softly. "I love you, Sasuke...Sasuke...Sasuke...Sasuke..."
Sasuke blinked in confusion, wondering why Naruto was sounding like a broken record, repeating his name over and over again. Naruto began shaking the raven haired boy, and Sasuke's eyes opened.
He was in his room, in bed, with Naruto standing over top him, looking rather irritated. "Finally, you wake up!" the blonde exclaimed. "I've been trying to wake you for about ten minutes now! I was starting to think I'd have to call in Sakura-chan to take a look and make sure you were okay."
"Dobe," Sasuke muttered, sitting up and rubbing his face. "Of course I'm okay. I was just fast asleep, that's all. You know I'm a deep sleeper."
"Well, yeah, and normally I'd just let you sleep rather than even bother trying to wake you, but I figured you might want to shower and change before everyone gets here."
Sasuke stopped and looked at Naruto for a long moment. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Your birthday party, obviously," the blonde replied. "Everyone's going to start showing up soon, and Grandma Tsunade is sending Sakura-chan over with a huge cake, made specially for this occasion."
Sasuke saw the world spin around him before passing out.
End
There we go! I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun, please don't kill me now. I LOVE YOU! Though not nearly as much as Naru-chan could, but it's okay, because I love him too. XD Please review, my lovelies, and don't forget to wish Sasuke-kun a Happy Birthday in your own way, whether that be simply saying it or making out with a wall poster of him...not that I've ever done the latter...even though I do have a rather large poster of him on my wall, right next to one of Naru-chan...-clears throat- In any case, please review!