Disclaimer: Why do I EVEN write this anymore?

Chapter Eight

Kyo

The next couple of days sucked. By the time the weekend rolled around and Tohru went on her date, I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away. It wasn't the same kind of pain I'd felt when I started having ulcers so I wasn't about to bug Hatori about it. Probably busy anyway.

I sighed and flopped face-down on my bed, not bothering to change out of my uniform first. Fridays used to be my favorite day of the week. It was the end of the school week and I usually went to the dojo but Hatori had warned me not to go there because it was too long a walk. I'd talked to Shishou on the phone earlier in the week. He seemed worried about my ulcers and offered to come see me. I snapped at him and yelled that it wasn't like I was a little kid and immediately felt bad about it.

I may not have been worried about my ulcers but I was worried about the despair that was looming over my head. It had started two days before and had been growing ever since. The reason it started was so stupid too. I'd been complaining about how much homework I had to catch up on and Uotani made a comment about not killing myself over it and I'd had to walk out of the classroom to avoid screaming at her. Yuki had watched me leave and I was irrationally angry that he didn't follow me. It didn't occur to me until hours later that it would have looked weird for him to go after me when I was upset but that just made me sad. I knew that he still hated me and everything but I was still disappointed that he was too worried about how other people would react to him following me to help.

Anyway, I was lying on my bed, starting to feel overwhelmed. I cursed under my breath at the promise I'd made Hatori that I'd talk to someone about it if I felt that way. But I couldn't think of anyone who would care enough. Sure, Tohru would care, but she didn't know the situation and I wasn't about to bug her with it. Shigure could be a decent adult when he wanted to be but I couldn't see myself confiding in him. I really didn't want to risk having Hatori come and examine me, so I couldn't say anything to him about it either.

I really only had Yuki to talk to but I shuddered at the thought; there was just no way. I wished so hard that someone would appear and it would be okay to talk to them. And then, like someone had been listening to my wish, Hatsuharu walked in the room and sat down at my desk. I rolled over on my back and sat up, looking at him. He tilted his head at me. "What's wrong?"

I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that every moment of sadness and every stabbing pain of anxiety wanted to rush from my body all at once. I bit down on my lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood, to keep myself from crying.

"I came to see how you were. I heard Sensei talking to Hatori-nii about how he was worried about you. Did something happen?"

"You mean something like almost jumping off a cliff?" I muttered.

Haru touched my shoulder. "Yeah," he said. "Something like that."

I shuddered, still holding back tears. Haru leaned over and pulled me into an awkward hug, still half sitting at my desk. "It's okay, Yuki stopped me," I muttered.

It occurred to me a moment later that Haru was crying. He was shuddering with silent sobs. It was weirdly comforting. It was almost like he was crying so I wouldn't have to. And I have to admit that I enjoyed the contact. It was hard for me to forget my first male crush and I could easily see myself falling for him again.

"Don't do it," Haru said. "Please." He tightened his grip on me. His shaking had stopped and his tears weren't hitting my shoulder as often.

"I'm glad you're here," I said. "I needed someone to talk to."

Haru leaned away from me, back into the chair and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jean jacket. "Nn… what do you need to talk about?" he asked.

I don't know how to start… "Well… I guess…. I think I'm depressed." I scratched the back of my neck. Great. That's really specific.

Haru nodded.

"I just feel like I'm worthless or something and I have these feelings…"

Haru tugged on my sleeve. "What kind?"

"Is it okay…" I paused. "I mean, for a guy to… like another guy… that way?"

"What way?" Haru asked. "Sexually?"

I flushed and looked down at my knees. "Yeah… Uhm… but not all the time."

"Not all the time?"

"I-I mean, I like both. Girls and guys."

"Oh. So, you're bi…" Haru grinned. "Me too."

"Bye?"

"Bisexual. You like both."

"Yeah… I didn't know there was a word for it. I thought… I was the only one."

Haru chuckled. "Yeah, but you're not. Is that all that's bugging you?"

I stared at my knees. "I think I might… have a thing for Yuki."

Haru was silent for a minute. "Yeah, I guess you would."

"Huh?" I stared at him.

"Yuki's… Yuki. I can see how you'd fall for him." He smirked. "I guess that means your type is feminine."

"Huh?"

"I think Yuki likes manlier types." Haru looked me up and down; it made me feel weird. He nodded. "Yeah... uh huh…"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

Haru just shrugged. "One of life's great mysteries. I don't really have a type." Haru stared off into the distance. "Well, I guess that's not true. You and Yuki have a few things in common. Strength, stubbornness…" he looked at me. "Inner beauty." He smiled. "Nice bodies…"

I felt my cheeks get hot. "Damnit. You shouldn't say stuff like that."

"Why?" Haru leaned close to me. "Does it excite you?"

"Hell no, brat! It's… rude."

Haru chuckled. "I gotta go talk to Yuki." He walked to my door, glanced at me for a moment, and then walked out, leaving the door open.

Yuki

I jumped at the feeling of being hugged behind and soft hair brushing against my cheek. I was so startled that I dropped my pen on my desk and let out a gasp. "H-Haru?" I asked.

Haru nuzzled my cheek. "Yes?" he asked.

"You aren't 'Black' by any chance, are you?"

Haru released me and sat down on my bed. "I'm offended," he said.

I waited for him to continue the statement. I sighed when it became clear that he wasn't going to. "By what?" I asked.

Haru blinked at me. "You think I only show you affection when I go Black."

I shook my head. "Haru-"

"Be careful, okay," he said, standing.

"Careful of what?"

Haru smiled sadly. "Be careful of Kyo. He's fragile right now. I think your kindness might make it worse if you don't really mean it."

I bristled at that. Yet again, Haru managed to strike a nerve. He had a jarring ability to hit right on the truth in spite of his oblivious exterior. "I'm not being falsely kind."

Haru frowned. "It might be better not to change your behavior at all."

"That had occurred to me, believe it or not."

"You don't have to be angry," said Haru. "It's just one option. But if you're being kind and you mean it, then… I guess that's probably good for both of you."

"Haru…"

"You guys could be really close friends if you stopped hating each other. I think it might be easier than you realize."

I sighed.

"You should give it a chance. Right now, while Kyo's likely to cling to any kind of stability and kindness, you should try to tear down that wall."

Haru left without another word. I was trembling. The thought of being friends with Kyo was both terrifying and intriguing. It bothered me slightly that Haru had suggested I take advantage of Kyo's vulnerability. However, I knew that I wouldn't get such a golden opportunity again and if I indeed wanted to have a relationship with Kyo, now would be the time to set things in motion.

I gathered my courage throughout the evening and finally had enough to approach Kyo. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He'd left his door open. I noticed that he hadn't closed it since the day I'd asked him not to. I cleared my throat. "May I come in?" I asked.

Kyo shrugged.

I sat beside him on the bed but he didn't bother to sit up. I was having difficulty collecting my thoughts. I wasn't sure how to begin the conversation. I decided to start casually. "How are you?" I asked.

Kyo shrugged again. "More or less…" he muttered.

"More or less, what?"

Kyo sat up. "You ever get the feeling that everything really sucks?"

I frowned. "Sometimes."

"But it always goes away for you, right?"

"Yes, I suppose."

Kyo stared up at the ceiling but I could tell he didn't really see it. "It doesn't go away for me. I think I'm being killed by it."

What he was saying frightened me. Hearing him talk like that forced the memory of him standing at the edge of the cliff to the forefront of my thoughts and filled me with utter despair. "I'm glad you're confiding in me."

Kyo looked at me. "Can I be honest?"

"I'd prefer your honesty."

"I don't give a shit right now about anything. I really don't. So it's not like I care if I tell you how I feel. It doesn't matter either way."

"It matters to me!" I shouted. I felt my face get hot and regretted my sudden outburst. I took a deep calming breath. "It… matters to me."

"I don't care about that either," said Kyo.

His words stung. I tried to tell myself that if he was in the right mind, he wouldn't have said that but I knew that he would. Or he'd be angry that I cared. In fact, it seemed likely that this was the more tame response. If I should tell him that his feelings mattered to me when he was in his normal state, he'd likely reject me with his entire being. And that was what hurt.

"Don't take it the wrong way," said Kyo. "I'd feel the same way if anyone said that." He rubbed his eyes with both hands. "Except Tohru. I'd feel guilty too."

I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them. "I suppose it's comforting to know that this isn't treatment you reserve only for your most loathed enemy."

"You're an idiot," Kyo muttered.

I glared at him. The gall!

"I just told you I don't give a fuck about anything. Why doesn't that… freak you out or something?"

"I'm worried. Trust me. You have no idea how worried I am. It's frightening to hear you talk as if your life is just one huge damaged hellhole. Because I know how that feels. It hurts me because I recognize that level of despair."

"There's no way you know how this feels." Kyo's tone was dark. "You don't know what I've done. You don't know the sins I carry."

"What on earth could possibly be worth killing yourself over?"

"It's my fault! I'm the reason they died. ME!" Kyo started breathing heavily. "And every time I look at her, I think about it. And every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to scream because of how much I resemble her. Every time I look in the fucking mirror I notice stuff like how my eyes are the same shape as hers were and how I have her nose and her ears. Can you even imagine how much it hurts to look like someone who killed herself over giving birth to you?"

The whole time he was ranting, I felt cold daggers stabbing me in the chest. I was only half sure I understood him but parts of his story didn't match.

"And… Tohru's mom… she wouldn't have died. If I… I had only reached out and held her back, she'd still be alive and I wouldn't have to look at Tohru and feel guilty."

"Kyo, did you know Kyoko-san?"

Kyo gnawed on his lip. "Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to talk to her and… I got mad at her one day and never went back. But I saw her on the street and I saw the car speeding. I knew it would hit her and I had to just hold her back and she'd be okay. But I didn't. I did the selfish thing and let her die because I didn't want anyone to see me transform and know I was a freak."

I was stunned.

"And she lay there, bleeding. She looked right at me and I knew she knew who I was. And she said 'I won't forgive you.'"

It matched up. He vanished into the mountains in May that year and returned four months later. It stood to reason that he went to the mountains right after the accident. Which meant he wasn't training at all. "That wasn't your fault, Kyo," I said.

Kyo looked at me. "I don't believe you."

"That's because you're too caught up in your own mess that you can't see the facts for what they are. What happened to your mother… you were far too young to have any sort of influence over that. Did you think you could stop her?"

"No."

"Then why do you blame yourself?"

"She died because I'm a monster."

"You are not a monster!"

Kyo jumped. I knew I was upsetting him but it was important to me that he understood this. "You are not a monster, Kyo. You transform into a hideous beast but that isn't you. That's the curse. Don't interrupt me!" I saw that he'd opened his mouth to object. "You are possessed by the spirit of the cat. You are not the spirit of the cat. You are a person with your own soul who is possessed by an angry spirit. As for what happened to Tohru's mother, I'm sure that I would have done the same thing."

"No you wouldn't!"

"Don't be so certain. I used to be so paralyzed by the fear of other people finding out about my curse that I isolated myself from other people. The girls at our school who idolize me… they don't know what I'm really like. They wouldn't love me if they did."

"I'm sure they'd still love you," Kyo muttered. He clutched his hair. "How could they not? You're so perfect and beautiful. Compared to me you're-"

"Dull and uninteresting. I can't hold a candle to you, Kyo." I sighed. It was sad, but it was true. Kyo was far more vibrant and full of life than I. His personality outshone even the brightest of lights. I admired how he could express his emotions so freely and laugh in front of other people like it was the easiest thing in the world. I truly envied him. And I hated myself for it. In spite of the way I idolized and strove to be like Kyo, I still treated him harshly.

"You're not dull. You're just… shy."

"What does it matter to you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't care about anything right now."

Kyo scowled. "Maybe if I make myself care about you, it won't hurt so much. Even if it's just a little while."

I stared at him, wringing my hands with anxiety. He couldn't really mean that caring about me would ease his pain. Could he? "If… if you could give me the pain so I would bear it instead, I would gladly take it from you. A life without you… a world without Kyo is… too dark."

"I wouldn't wish this on anyone," said Kyo.

How do I make him believe me? I stared at Kyo; his posture was limp and eyes downturned. He was devastatingly beautiful. Kyo held the type of tragic beauty that I couldn't look away from. However, I missed seeing him laugh and get angry. I missed how he would lose his temper and shout. This lifeless, pale shell was not Kyo.

His sadness was making me sick.

Kyo

I sighed, a crushing wave of sadness smashing into me. I got like that a lot nowadays. I was still moody and I'd get pissed off a lot at Yuki for stopping me from jumping. Thinking about it again forced the angry feelings back up to the surface. "Y'know, if you were going to be such an ass, you should have just let me jump."

"How am I being an ass?" asked Yuki. He looked surprised and slightly upset.

"I don't get why you won't leave me alone!" I shouted. "You're face pisses me off. I can't stand to look at you. It makes me sick." I was snarling and growling and my words were harsh. I was lashing out at Yuki because it was easy. Screaming at him always used to be how I got rid of my frustration but for some reason, it felt wrong this time.

Yuki stared at me for a moment. "Why do you think I stopped you from jumping?" he asked

I shrugged. "So you could show everyone what a great person you are? So everyone would praise you and think I'm pathetic?"

"No!" Yuki shouted. "I stopped you because I want you here! Don't you understand? I..." Yuki stood up. "I can't stand this anymore. Just… don't die. Because it would kill me if you were gone." Yuki stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

His sudden outburst shocked me. I had expected him to be pissed off but I didn't expect him to seriously say he wanted me alive.

I groaned and fell back against the pillows. Why does he want me here? Doesn't he understand how hard this is?

I can't look at him anymore. I can't die if I know it'll make him sad because I don't ever want him to cry. If I thought my death would make him happy I would have jumped.

Because the truth is, I love him more than anything. I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. I'd been trying to fight that thought for days, probably weeks or even months (maybe years, who knows?) but it finally crashed into my brain like a speeding train. I knew it was true and it was killing me.

I didn't care that it didn't make sense. Actually, the fact that it didn't make sense only made it hurt even more. But there was something deep down inside of me that was screaming that I loved him and it cried out in rejection every time I told him I hated him or called him "damn rat" or did anything mean at all. And the voice got louder and louder until the day I stood at the edge of the cliff, about to jump. And it suddenly whispered "I love him."

So now what? I just have to keep on living because if I die then Yuki will be sad? I have to stay alive for someone even though I know he'll never feel the same way about me? I didn't know if I was strong enough for that. I could only try.