Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. I wish I did!

Ahhh, you guys didn't think everything was just going to start being happy-go-lucky did you? Sorry…

Chapter 10

Kyo

I got home in an awesome mood because I was going on a date with Yuki, something I never would have believed in a million years could ever happen. And then I walked in the door and my good mood went right out the window because Hatori was there with his damn doctor bag and his damn blood-drawing shit and his damn impassive fucking look.

Yuki just walked up the stairs without even saying 'boo' and I had to deal with that damn dragon on my own. That was great.

"Hello, Kyo-kun," Hatori said in that same stupid apathetic voice.

I snarled at him and sat down. "Before you ask, no, I'm not coughing up blood and I don't have any in my crap and my stomach is fine and my mood is fine." I wanted to shout at him to leave and that I didn't want him taking my blood.

"You seem angry."

"I don't wanna be examined." But I held out my arm for his blood-pressure cuff anyway and stayed silent even when he started drawing my blood. For some reason, that little prick in my arm made my anger dissipate slightly. It was weird but I tried not to think about it too much.

After taking four fucking vials of blood and pestering me about my mood, Hatori said the last thing I wanted to hear. "Try to be aware of your moods. If you start feeling better too quickly, that doesn't necessarily mean you're okay. One doesn't just fail a suicide attempt and suddenly feel better."

I could tell that Hatori was trying to be helpful but he sucked at it. "Is that all or are you gonna tell me I'm probably going to try to kill myself again?" I snapped. "Because you're pissing me off."

An unnatural look crossed Hatori's face. Like what I'd just said was upsetting or something but I didn't understand why. It didn't make sense that anyone would be so worried about the stupid cat. The monster-

Oh.

Okay, he was right, those thoughts hadn't gone away completely. I hated it when people were right about stuff like that.

"It is possible, Kyo-kun." Hatori sighed the way adults do when they have something bad on their mind but I didn't give a damn. What did he know anyway? Him and his stupid doctor degree. He was too damn young to be a doctor anyway. I hated him and his degree and his stupid doctor stuff and stupid pity. He was stupid. "Please promise to speak to someone if you feel that way again."

"I already did," I snapped.

"Promise again."

"Okay, okay, I promise now get off my fucking back." I turned and stormed from the room, not giving Yuki another look as I passed him in the hall on my way to my bedroom before slamming the door.

Yuki

That was… odd. I hadn't expected Hatori's presence to put such a damper on Kyo's good mood so quickly. When I descended to the living room with the intention of questioning Hatori about the cat's sudden shift in mood, I found that the dragon was already in Shigure's office, apparently discussing something of great importance so I headed back up the stairs to confront Kyo.

Why are you sulking? Would normally have been my response to Kyo stomping around and being generally intolerable but I merely knocked at his partially open door, surprised when he muttered "c'min" but didn't otherwise acknowledge my presence when I sat beside him on his bed.

Then he turned away from me, facing the wall. "Kyo… did something Hatori said upset you?"

Kyo's posture stiffened but he said nothing.

"If you need to ta-"

"What the hell does he know anyway? He can't get into my head. Why the fuck does he think he's gotta be so high and mighty? Telling me how I feel and… knows. How does he know…?" The last question was so soft, I could barely hear it.

I lay down beside Kyo and draped an arm over him, loosely holding the cursed cat. "Kyo… I think it will take a great deal of time to feel okay again. Hatori just wants to help you."

Surprisingly, Kyo didn't move away, he simply turned in my arms and we were chest to chest, nose to nose. The look in his eyes took my breath away. His eyes were filled with such sadness and longing. I closed my eyes, I couldn't breathe if I looked at him.

Then he stole my breath once again. This time with a kiss.

My mind emptied of all thoughts. Everything was the sound of Kyo's breath as he kissed me, his heart hammering against my chest and his soft, awkward kiss on my lips.

I wondered briefly if I loved him before my thoughts were taken by his arm snaking around me

When he pulled away and I opened my eyes, Kyo had a light flush across his cheeks and he was averting his gaze. "If you wanna hit me, go ahead."

"No. I don't want to." That was the last thing I wanted. The first was to kiss Kyo again. But I refrained. Kyo's face was pinched with pain. I'd never seen him looking like he wanted nothing more than to cry.

I decided to spare his pride. I gave him a light kiss on the forehead then pulled away. "I need to finish some homework. We can talk later if you like."

Kyo just nodded and I smiled before leaving the room.

Kyo

I kissed Yuki.

I kissed him.

And he kissed back.

And he wasn't angry.

Holy. Shit.

Okay. Those were all good things right? I mean, it couldn't have been bad. It felt amazing and even though he was another boy and my goddamn cousin and the rat-

Well, he wasn't really the rat to me anymore. He was just Yuki. And he had to be at least a little bit attracted to me or he wouldn't have kissed back, right? I was filled with a panicky sort of tension, a fear that he was screwing with me. After all, what kind of person loved a monster? Another monster. That's what Akito would say.

I sat up real fast at that thought. I didn't to think about Akito. Even though he was all I could think about. He'd kill me or lock me up or both if he knew I kissed Yuki (twice, that was the second time). If he knew how I felt about Yuki. I'd be dead.

I was in the bathroom, splashing water in my face before I realized. When I looked up at my own reflection, I was pissed. I didn't know where all the anger came from and I was only half aware when I threw a punch at the mirror, shattering the glass and imbedding some of it in my fist.

It felt oddly good. Like the pain and fear and anger melted away with the pain of my hand being cut up. I guess I shouldn't have been so shocked when Shigure walked into the room, looking all pale and shit, like he couldn't stand the blood.

Or maybe he was worried.

"I'm calling Hatori." Shigure turned around before I could object and I was left with my hand and arm bleeding freely into the sink. Not that I did anything to stop it. I stared at the blood and watched it drip down into the sink. I didn't even notice Yuki until I heard him sigh.

"Kyo…"

Then I realized it wasn't a sigh so much as gasp of pain or something. "What?"

"…are you going to react this way every time I kiss you?" I felt his fingertips brush against the back of my neck and my skin prickled where he touched me. But he was gone pretty quick. Way before Hatori arrived and I could see his sad look in one of the pieces of the mirror that hadn't come off the medicine cabinet totally.

"You promised you would speak to someone if you felt this way."

I whirled around and glared at him. What was his problem? He should just leave me be already! "I didn't try to kill myself!" I was still a little freaked out by that kiss and what Yuki had said. I just couldn't get my head on straight.

"Self harm is another thing I would rather you spoke to myself or Shigure about." He kept looking all sad and it just made me angry.

I glowered at him while he cleaned up my hand and fist. I didn't say a damn word until he was done rubbing antiseptic or something over the cuts and wrapped my hand with gauze. It looked pretty fucking pathetic. "You are lucky none of these were deep."

"Well maybe I wanted them to be."

Hatori looked like he was stressed out. I was scared he was going to hug me or something. "If this behavior and mood continues, I will have to-"

"I ain't bein' locked up! You can just forget it. If I wanted to be in a cage, I'd ask Akito to throw me in one right now."

"Kyo-"

"Fuck you!" I turned on my heel, shaking with rage and headed up to the roof. I didn't come down even when the sun was setting and I began to wonder whether or not it the roof was high enough to kill me if I jumped

Yuki

It took longer than it should have to realize that Kyo had no intention of leaving the rooftop. I could hardly scale the side of the building the way Kyo could so I located a ladder and took that from the balcony. Kyo had his eyes closed but his posture indicated he was not sleeping. I wondered how long he'd been lying in that pose, tensed shoulders and clenched fist. I could hardly believe he could bare all that tension. He didn't even flinch when I sat beside him.

We remained silent for a long time while I contemplated holding Kyo's hand. Something stopped me. I kissed him and his reaction had been to throw his fist into a mirror. I eyed the gauze and the dried blood dotting it. "Perhaps you ought to change the bandage."

"Fuck off."

I flinched. Kyo's voice sounded oddly venomous. Earlier we had kissed. Prior to that, he had asked me on a date. So what was this sudden shift in his behavior toward me? "Kyo, is something wr-"

"I don't need your pity." Kyo sat up, eyes flashing with anger. I had seen that expression turned toward me many times in the past without so much as flinching. Seeing it now, however, made me feel like he'd stabbed me right in the heart. "I don't need anything from you! Or anyone else! Stay the hell away from me!"

I stood, feeling a sharp pain in my heart as though he really had stabbed me and was twisting the knife. "I should have realized you were only playing with me." I turned, shoulders hunched. "As if there could ever be anything other than hatred between us." He had hurt me. I wanted to hurt him back, pull the knife out of my heart and plunge it through his. But that was all I could think to say. I climbed down the ladder and headed back to my bedroom. I didn't scream or shout or break things. I simply sat at my desk and wrote my homework with a shaking hand.

Kyo

I don't know what the hell came over me. When Yuki sat next to me, all I wanted to do was hug him and cry into his shoulder. And then he mentioned the bandage. He was all worried and shit and what did I do? I snapped at him instead of being thankful that he cared. I was an idiot again. I yelled at him and now he was mad at me.

What was wrong with me? Why did I keep trying to wreck stuff when I knew it would make me happy?

That was it, wasn't it? Monsters like me don't deserve to be happy. I stood up and gazed down over the edge of the roof, wondering again if it would kill me if I jumped. I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't high enough. So I didn't jump just then. But if I thought it would kill me, I would have. I was just going to keep ruining things. I almost had something with Yuki but I crushed that before I could even let it start.

I knew I should talk to someone. I promised Hatori I would. But I couldn't talk to Yuki. I'd just screamed at the guy. He'd probably tell me to find a bigger cliff and take a leap; make sure there was no way it wouldn't kill me.

I was too mad to even notice my eyes were stinging with tears.

I was halfway to the dojo when I realized I couldn't talk to Shishou about this. How would I explain to my own dad that I wanted to die? I could almost see the look on his face. Disappointment and sadness. I didn't want to make Shishou feel disappointed in me. I knew he'd be sad if I killed myself but then I wouldn't be a burden anymore.

I had turned around, lost in thought and almost ran right into Haru.

"What's wrong?"

I was shocked by how not-spacey Haru sounded. He usually had this weirdo dreamy quality to his voice like he was pretending to be mysterious or whatever. "Huh? Nothing…"

"Don't lie."

Oh shit. His voice wasn't spacey because he was Black Haru. But he didn't have that pissed-off aura thing going. It was that whole weird way he looked at Yuki right before he tried to make out with him or something equally as gross. Who does that shit in front of other people?

"You act like I'm dumb or something. Tell me what's going on, pussy cat or I'll beat it out of you!" Haru laughed like a crazy person then and I just stared him down. "What are you looking at, pussy cat? You got something to say? Huh?"

"…no." I couldn't force the words out. I should have been throwing punches at him or threats or something.

Before I knew what was happening, Haru had me pinned to the wall. I almost started shouting then, out of shock anyway but he silenced me. With his fucking mouth. I pushed at him as hard as I could but I didn't have any leverage against a wall. Haru had me trapped and he was nibbling on my lips. Right then, it struck me how weird it was to have Haru kissing me. It didn't feel a damn thing like it did with Yuki.

The thought of Yuki made all the pain I'd been trying to keep blocked and hidden just well up and over-flow. I guess crying snapped Haru out of being all "Black" because he suddenly released me, muttering apologies and hugging me. "…don' know what I'm doing when I'm like that. I can't see around myself. Everything goes red. I'm sorry, Kyo…."

"I-It's n-not th-at." I choked back sobs and actually hugged Haru back. Not because I wanted to, because I felt like I was about to fall down if I didn't hold onto something. "I-I just g-got overwhelmed again."

Haru tightened his grip on me and buried his face in my shoulder. He was a couple inches shorter than me now. We used to be about the same height. I guess I grew or something. "I'm glad I found you then. You didn't get very lost this time, I guess."

"You're one to talk. Your sense of direction sucks." I hadn't pushed him away even though I'd stopped crying and it was a little awkward to be being hugged by a guy so close to the main house. "…can we take a walk?" I didn't want anyone to see us. I didn't care what happened to me but the last thing I needed was for my stupid self to get Haru or anyone else in trouble.

Haru nodded against my shoulder and pulled away, rubbing his face on his sleeve. I couldn't really tell if he'd been crying or not. I guess he had because my shoulder felt kind of wet but he looked okay.

We walked in silence for a long time. The sun was getting ready to set and we were almost back to Shigure's before I realized that was where Haru had led me. "Aren't you going to ask me what happened?"

Haru looked up at me. "I figured if you wanted to talk, you would. I can't force words out of you. I saw no reason to try."

I wondered if that meant Haru was waiting for me to open up. "I just… started being stupid again and Hatori told me I had to tell someone if I started thinking shit like that and who the fuck thinks it feels good to punch a mirror anyway and why do I have to keep saying dumb things and telling people who are just trying to help me to fuck off? I'm an asshole, that's why. An asshole and a monster."

"That's why I didn't try to force it out of you." Haru looked off at the sunset for so long, I thought maybe that was all he had to say because he took a long time to talk again. "It's funny. How someone so amazing can think he's anything but." Haru looked at me and it was so weirdly intense that I had to look away. "Yuki's like that too. He doesn't think much of himself. But you both have good hearts and deserve to be happy."

"Monsters don't have good hearts. That's why I'm a monster. I don't even have one."

"Then what is it in your chest that's broken?" Haru tapped the left side of my chest and left his fingers there, staring at them for a moment. "Sorry for kissing you." Haru looked up. "But I'm not sorry I wanted to." Before I could say anything, Haru had turned and was walking away.

That hadn't really helped all that much. I mean, I realized killing myself was a stupid idea. Haru would freak out and I'd make Shishou sad at least. I didn't want either of those things to happen. It wasn't like I returned Haru's weird feelings (it would probably be easier to like him than that damn Yuki) but I didn't want to make him cry again. If he'd been crying.

But I still had all this pent up emotion inside. And it was just itching to get out. I walked into the bathroom and found it clean. I guess Tohru cleaned up after me. Again. But then I remembered she was spending the night at Wave Girl's house again and I was kinda glad. I didn't want her to be worried about me and my hissy fits.

Looking at the empty spot on the wall where the medicine cabinet had been reminded me about how it felt to shove my fist through it. All that broken glass cutting up my skin felt good. It kept all that horrible yuckiness inside at bay for a minute. I wondered why. Was it because it hurt? Was it the blood? I had to find out.

I rifled through the cabinet under the sink to see if I could find one of Shigure's razors. It wasn't like he shaved a whole lot. I think it took a month for him to grow more than stubble so there were several new ones in there. It was weirdly easy to pry the blade from the plastic and it felt cold in my hand.

I just wanted to see if all the cuts in my hand from breaking the mirror really made me feel better for a minute. It made sense, right? It was a different hurt and it distracted me. And it felt more real than that stupid dull ache I felt all the damn time. It wasn't overwhelming and I knew it would go away.

I pressed the shiny blade against the skin of my upper arm, just below the gauze. I could cover it up when I changed the bandage. That way no one would know about my little experiment. It probably wouldn't work anyway and I'd never to it again.

The first little cut wasn't very deep. I hardly felt it and it just scratched some of my skin away. I moved the blade up a bit, closer to my hand and pressed a little harder, watching a small bead of blood pool under the silver tip before I dragged it across my skin. It felt really good. Like some of the awful muck was oozing out with the blood that drained out of my arm. I didn't bother applying pressure to make it stop bleeding, I just watched the blood drip down to the sink and I turned the tap on to rinse it away. I don't know how long I stared at the cut before the bleeding slowed and stopped. When it finally clotted, I unwound the dirty gauze and tossed it in the trash by the sink. Then I took out a new roll from the basket on the back of the toilet and rebandaged my arm, making sure I covered the new cut I'd just made.

I guess it worked.