1A/N : I feel so honored by all of your great reviews!! As I promised, chapter three is much longer than chapter two - I think it's the longest one as of yet, actually. I took special consideration with this chapter so I hope you all enjoy it. Hopefully there won't be any typo's cause I went back and threw in some new stuff at the last second, but if there are I apologize!
Also, the song at the bottom of this chapter is by Incubus - one of my favorite bands. If you want to check it out, go to It's track number #5, by the way.
Again, thanks to all my fabulous reviewers : la chiave al mo cuore, Rachel657062, Laughing Dragoness, flamingo1325, abovetherim, wishingstar17, Kionaka, xLoopiloox, Mrs.EdwardCullen16, Cassie Rae, and Tallyon. And all you guys who put my story on alert too - I appreciate it :)
Disclaimer : As always, I don't own them, but I can dream...
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Chapter 03 - Love Hurts
Once again I awoke in my bed, but this time there was a slight draft of light starting to filter in through my window. I laid in bed, slumber still trying to grasp at my mind for a few beats before I gasped and jumped out of my bed, nearly busting my butt on the floor in my haste. I frantically searched my window but found it shut.
I was dreaming...it was just a dream, I told myself, fighting to force the knowledge down my throat in a effort to stop my heart from trying to escape through my ribs.
I finally got myself breathing deeply and looked around the rest of my room, seeming to find nothing out of place. With a half-sob and half-shy, I walked over to my window and looked out of it, finding Charlie's police cruiser already gone, an idle thought wondering through my brain reminded myself that Charlie had mentioned he was going fishing with Billy early in the morning.
He must have carried me up here last night then I dreamed of my visitor. I refused to let my mind linger on just who that visitor had been and pushed it as far away as I could.
I closed my eyes for Charlie, knowing my break-down last night was going to cause him tremendous pain. Leaning forward and placing my forehead against the cold glass of my window, I closed my eyes with fatigue, no matter that I had just woken up. Maybe it would be better this time if I did leave Forks and go live with my mother for a while. Renee was better equipped to handle my emotional insanity than Charlie was; and it wouldn't hurt to put some distance between myself and all the memories here.
Than maybe my heart could finally heal.
I opened my eyes finally and took in a deep breath, letting my fingers trace the cool glass in front of me.
"I guess this is goodbye..." I said to myself faintly.
With my decision made I backed away from the window and turned around, slowly making my way downstairs. I had just put my foot on the first step when I heard the murmuring from the kitchen. My breath hitched in my throat as I strained my ears, finally making out the hushed voices.
"You scared the hell out of her!" she hissed, clearly angered with her companion.
"What was I supposed to do?!" he tossed back angrily. "I get a call saying Bella jumped off a cliff and was possibly dead..." The last word hung in the air, his obvious pain tangible, almost touchable with weight and other unsaid words.
I was frozen to my spot, still in mid step and unable to let that breath out as their voices rang in my ears.
"And then I come here to find her on the floor...you didn't see how she looked..." His voice was so full of pain and remorse that it hit me full force. If my body hadn't been made of ice I would have fell back with the sheer force of his emotions.
Suddenly his voice turned sharp. "Alice? Alice, what are you seeing?!"
My head was pounding from a lack of oxygen but I continued to hold it, unable to move in case the slightest sound would make them go away. If I was to wake up yet again, seeing this was a dream too I might actually go over the edge so I stayed frozen still, my hands clenched to the railing.
"Alice!" he questioned again, his voice almost frantic now. I heard the silvery female voice mumble something faintly before he sucked in a deep, sharp breath. I had learned to deal with vampire's with patience but I was nearing the point of desperation, needing to know what the small, pixie-like girl had seen.
Then I finally heard Alice say numbly, "she's gonna leave Forks...she's leaving, Edward."
All hell broke loose when his name was said, when Alice finally named Edward. Maybe I had talked myself into thinking it was all a dream, or maybe my mind had finally started to collasp from the lack of oxygen, but either way when Alice let that little word out I could feel the sob wretch it's self out of my chest.
I'm sure they had time to stop, time look at each other and even ponder the noise before Alice was suddenly at the bottom of the stairs then just a suddenly right by my side. But to my human mind it all happened before the noise was even all the way out of my mouth.
"Bella..." she half-whispered, almost looking hesitantly at me, like she was wondering if I was about to throw myself down the steps or something. Her face looked more striking than ever in the shadowy light, making her ghostly white skin almost shimmer like she was standing right out in the sun.
"Are you really here?" I mouthed, unafraid to even say the real words. Alice nodded once and I was suddenly free, able to fling my arms around her and crush myself against her small body. I felt her arms automatically enclose me back, hugging me almost as tightly as I was her for a few moments. But then the back of my neck tickled with the apprehension that she was no longer happy at the sight of me but somehow upset, forcing me to loosen my grip and look back at her face.
"Bella..." she repeated softly, loosening her arms so that I could lean back even more. She reached up and wiped a stray tear away from my cheek with her small finger before adding, "you scared us."
I didn't hear the stairs creak or even get one clue that he was heading up them until he was suddenly there, standing just 5 steps below me and Alice. The space between us was suddenly thick and heavy, to such a point that I was sure a knife wouldn't even be able to penetrate it. I forced my eyes shut, knowing that if I turned, if I looked at him, I was going to loose it, right there in the hallway.
"I think you need to sit down," Alice gently ordered me, taking my elbow and turning me around, leading me back to my room. I felt myself be placed on the bed and I obliged, still keeping my eyes closed; even though I knew it was childish and immature, I couldn't make myself open them. I felt something cold brush down beside me on the bed and I knew it was it was Alice who had sat beside me cause I knew with absolute certainty that Edward had just knelt slowly down in front of me. My stomach clenched when the coldness neared my knee, alerting me that he had attempted to place a hand on me but thought better of it.
"Bella..."
I squeezed my eyes even harder at the sound of his voice so near. My breath suddenly became ragged but I kept my composer, forcing the fleeting thought of how close his lips must be to mine out of my head. That is, until he spoke those words and I gave in, not being able to deny the agony that pulled at me from his voice.
"Please, Bella, open your eyes, love."
The second I saw him I was off the bed and in his arms, crushed to him so hard that not even a single inch of space existed between our bodies. I'm not sure who made the first move - if I had leaped into his arms of if he had pulled me off the bed, but I knew for sure that I was curled up in his lap, his body still crouched down on the floor; the exact spot from which he had been begging me a second earlier.
I had only needed that quick glimpse to know that my memory did him no justice; he was perfection in a stone casing.
Spiky, almost-messy bronze hair adoring his head, strong cheekbones framing his elegant nose, intensely deep eyes trained on my own face and my face alone, and full sensual lips; the last of which were raining kisses on me everywhere as he held me. My hair, my forehead, my cheeks, my neck - anywhere he could reach.
I kept my lips to myself but still clung to him despretly, my mind swimming in everything that was him. All the memories I had cuddled and stored away in my head seemed faded and thin in comparison to the actuality of what it was like to be back in his arms again; to smell his breath all around me, to feel his hard and perfect chest pressed up against my own. Even the coldness radiating off his skin sent me into a spiraling whirlwind of sensations that shook me to my very core. His hands on my body sent shivers up and down my spine, forcing goose bumps to form all over my skin, making me even more sensitive to his form.
But none of this compared to how it felt to hear his velvety smooth voice. It slid over my skin, covering my whole form in a cocoon of heat and passion so quickly and intensely that I nearly gasped. The full force hit me and I knew my previous memories, those moments when I had called his voice out of the recesses of my mind, could never, ever, compare with the real thing. I could hear him murmuring in my ears that he was sorry, that he was here now and never going away again. He swore over and over again that he was staying right by side no matter what, that even if I wanted him to leave he would fight tooth and nail to change my mind.
"I'll leave you two alone," Alice stated faintly, her voice slowly breaking into my haze.
I didn't need to look up to see that she was gone since she was more than capable to leave without my hearing. I felt Edward shift my body some, trying to bring me closer as if there was actually room to do so.
"I don't..." Edward gave up trying to say what he was going to and just hugged me once more, his arms holding me close as he inhaled deeply. I let him cradle me and just closed my eyes once more, enjoying the feeling of his body so close after it had been gone for so, so long.
"God...I've missed your smell so much," Edward murmured as he inhaled again, his face buried in my hair and shoulder.
I could feel my body tense and I knew from the sudden drop of my stomach that he sensed my hesitation. His right hand traveled up and cupped my check, gently pulling my face upward until I was I was barely just a fraction-of-an-inch away from his eyes and lips. I forced myself to keep control of my expression and looked away, trying to hide the pain I was sure was going to shine through my eyes anyway, no matter how composed the rest of my face was.
That was why he was here, the pull of my blood had been too much for him to bare.
He didn't come back for me...
The news busted my heart into a million pieces but I somehow remained perfectly still. The pain that now coursed threw my blood was ice cold and turned my skin and bones brittle, made my face and expression freeze instantly. I swallowed once, allowing only that little tremor move me.
"Bella..." Edward's voice was a whisper and a hammer all at once, trying to slip through my defenses before almost pulverizing them with razor-tipped pain. "Please tell me what you're thinking..."
I took in slow, deep breath before stating finally, my voice flat and even, "my blood called you - you didn't have a choice but to come back." I could almost feel the freezing cold coming off of it, turned to ice by my emotions.
"What?" I heard the complete confusion in his voice and braced myself to turn to his eyes as he added softly, "you think that's why I came back?"
"Isn't it?" I questioned, feeling like my shoulders would break with the strain of the fight against my frozen body to merely shrug.
Suddenly I was on the bed and Edward was up and moving, pacing angrily from one side of my room to the other, his eyes almost glowing in the dawning lights. He reminded me of a trapped tiger pacing it's cage, moving gracefully from bar to bar, tightly coiled anger fueling his movements. I watched him pace back and forth with wide eyes before he spun on me.
"If you think the only reason I'm here is that I didn't have a choice due to your blood then you-" Edward growled forcefully and slammed his fist down on my desk, knocking the legs out from under it, instantly crumbling it to the floor. I'm not sure if he heard the gasp escape my stiffened lips or not but suddenly he was back in front of me again on his knees, his hands gently cupping my face as he told me emotionally, "I might not have had a choice in coming back here, but it was because I love you too much to stay away." He let go of my face slowly and leaned down, burring his face into my abdomen and wrapping his arms around my waist.
Before I could stop myself my hands found his hair and I laced them through it, gently urging him to look up. One look into his eyes stopped whatever words I had on the tip of my tongue and I just stared at him, not being able to handle the pain I saw so clearly in those dark pools. He was open for me, baring it all right then.
"Why did you do it?" I asked softly, not being able to explain my question any more than that.
Edward took a deep breath before answering my questions with one of his own. "Why did you jump?" His question took me by surprise and I stopped, not understanding what he was saying at first, making him add, "why did you try to kill yourself?"
"I didn't," I insisted quickly, my mind putting two and two together. Suddenly it all seemed to fall into place and I said, "I was just cliff diving with Jacob."
"Cliff diving?" Edward repeated, his voice sounding on the brink of laughter or tears, of which I wasn't sure. He dipped his head once then reached up and took my face in his hands once more, his eyes and lips very close to mine.
"Bella...I thought you were dead..." His voice tripped over the last word before continuing, "you could've been - what were you thinking?!"
My voice was gone again and all I did was shrug, forcing Edward to take my shoulders and shake me. "What is wrong with you?!" he demanded, growling with hurt and frustration. "I asked you before I left to be careful, not to put yourself in danger!"
I could feel the small bubble of anger start to expand inside of me as he yelled. By the time the words were leaving my mouth I knew they would be hard. "Excuse me?"
But Edward didn't seem to hear me; he was already up once more and pacing again. "I was already on the phone buying tickets for Italy when I pulled up in your driveway-"
My head snapped up at that and I stood slowly, eyeing him closely.
"-convinced I was going to find you were dead. And then I see your door's wide open and I find you lying on the floor in the kitchen so far gone you can't even answer me."
Italy, my mind kept saying over and over. He was going to go to Italy to see the Volturi. The brief but horrorifying conversation we had had about the Volturi those long months ago reverberated through my head right then, making my heart beat in my ears, fear fill every inch of my being, and scolding anger burn through my veins.
'You don't irritate the Volturi' Edward had said. 'Not unless you want to die-or whatever it is that we do.'
Edward was still pacing when I came out of my flashback, his voice still angered as he was adding, "You even looked dead lying there and-"
The fear and anger erupted inside me at once, forcing me to storm over to him and grab the front of his shirt. He stopped instantly and opened his mouth to say who knew what when I nearly screamed at him, "Italy? I swear if you even dare think about doing that I will kill you myself! Do you hear me Edward Cullen?!"
Edward was taken by surprise and I think I even saw a little smile tweak the end of his lips before I shoved him away with all my strength, though he never even moved and inch. I paced to the other side of the room before growling myself and spinning to confront him once more.
"What right do you have to do that after what you said to me, after letting me believe you actually loved me-" I instantly saw the fire light in his eyes but continued on, "and then leave me like that?! You don't get to-to-" I was practically panting with my anger and I made a frustrating gesture with my hands before looking down, not being able to finish the sentence.
"Are you done yet?"
The question was stated very calmly and mater-of-fact enough to allow me to look back up again. I answered him plainly with a yes then suddenly couldn't breath due to the force which he crushed my body against his. His lips had taken mine eagerly and hungrily, muffling my mutual cry of anguish and relief. My need for air was almost enough for me to pull away but I held right there, not caring if my lungs exploded; Nothing was going to make me pull away from Edward now that I felt what it was like again to be kissed by him.
Edward finally wrestled his lips from mine and I took in a deep breath before losing it again when he moved on to my chin and kissed a path down my neck and back up, never once taking his smooth lips off of my fevered skin.
When his lips reached my ear he stopped and growled out fiercely, "I told you I had no intentions of living without you. Then or now." He placed his forehead against mine, keeping his face as close to mine as possible while not actually kissing me. His lips were still right beside mine and I could feel them brush when I opened my mouth slightly to take in a breath.
I swallowed slowly and asked finally, my voice raw with pain, "then why did you leave me?" The tears were right behind the question and I held them back as long as I could, forcing my jaw to clench while I waited for Edward to answer me.
"You don't know?" he stated plainly, rubbing his lips over mine gently, not fully turning it into a kiss but causing enough friction to send a shiver down my spine.
I thought I did but his statement stalled my reply. I carefully replayed all my options in my head and backed up a step, knowing I could never think straight while he was so close. He had told me he didn't love me, that he had gotten distracted, then I had finally came to the conclusion that he might have loved me once, but had felt different toward the end and let me go before it got worse, like I just did with Jacob.
Just the thought of his name in my mind triggered the memories of his face, heartbroken and in pain, to flash across my eyes. I quickly pushed that emotional wreck downward and turned back to Edward, telling him honestly, "I thought you didn't love me anymore."
His eyes closed and he looked away, bowing his head before saying softly, "I don't think-" Suddenly he shook his head and looked back up saying, "no, I know I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. It's not possible."
The lingering pieces of ice that were still in my body started melting away so fast it could've caused a river to overflow in my veins. I opened my mouth to speak but instead just stared at him. He had said earlier that he loved me but this time it actually broke through my barriers and I felt it. Everything I had been feeling came crashing down on my shoulders and I blinked, slowly reaching up and placing my hand over my mouth, realizing what I had done, what I had gone through because I doubted how he had felt.
I slowly backed away further and reached behind myself, feeling for the bed without looking away from Edwards' emotional face. He stood still and let me retreat, but I could see the strain in his eyes that my distance was causing him. But I had to know, I had to hear his story before I let my heart have any more hope.
"Tell me why," I questioned finally, my voice full of every emotion there was to have.
Edward nodded and settled in to tell his tale, seeming to release a sense of relief to finally get it off of his chest. I could see the tension in his shoulders start to relax as he explained.
"After your birthday I started to think about our future," he said cautiously, catching my eye for a brief moment before moving on. "I knew I loved you and wanted to be with you forever - there was never a question of that. But I knew deep down that I was being selfish and you deserved to live a normal life." He shrugged his shoulders and added simply, "you deserved to be a human."
I opened my mouth to argue but Edward stopped me with a look and I conceded, letting him finish before I took the chance to speak my opinion.
"I knew what you had told me but you don't understand Bella," he pleaded with me, his voice cracking some and his eyes deep with fear and guilt, "I could see the danger all around you and if I was ever the reason for that again, I don't know what-"
This time I wasn't able to hold myself in check and jumped up to argue. "That was not your fault!"
I didn't need Alice's psychic power or even Edward's own ability to read minds to know what he was talking about. I could still see James smiling face, reflected in all those mirrors, as he pleasantly described killing me like we were neighbors talking about the weather. I had my suspicions that Edward had blamed himself for everything that had happened but I never thought it would fester and get to this point.
"If you didn't know me-" he tried to explain but I cut him off again, stressing, "James would have still been going through Forks!"
Edward did almost the same exact frustrated move I had earlier before tossing back angerly, "he only tracked you cause I showed how much you meant to me! If I hadn't-"
"Has it ever occurred to you that you saved my life?" I screamed right back. I paused and repeated it again, this time finally looking him right in the eyes as I told him emotionally, "you saved me..."
"But if I hadn't tempted James he would have never been looking at you."
I looked down and quietly shook my head, telling Edward after a sigh, "I wasn't talking about with James." When Edward stopped and looked at me, I continued, "I don't think I would've survived it here in Forks if I didn't have you." I shrugged and added to myself, "I know I can't survive it after you leave."
I was reminded of how good Edward's hearing was when he reached out and pulled me into his embrace then, wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me flat against his whole body.
"You're not the only one," he stated while caressing my cheek with his fingers before placing his own cheek against it. I breathed in deeply then, finding that I, like him with me, had missed his scent terribly. My arms were locked around his form so tightly that I thought I might loose circulation and I pressed my face into his chest.
After everything that had happened - the months apart, the pain, the anger - we were finally back where we needed to be; we were in each others arms. Before I could stop myself I replayed that day in the woods back in my head and cursed my soul for ever doubting our love.
"If I had known why you were saying those things..." My voice broke and I felt Edward snug me even closer, lifting my feet off of the floor and carrying me to the bed. I shook my head against his chest and added, as he settled us on top of the comforter, "if I had known I wouldn't have believed you...I would have fought for you."
He suddenly preoccupied himself with wrapping the blanket perfectly around me to shield myself from the coldness of his skin and I craned my neck back, looking up to his face. He'd had years and years to perfect his mask, to learn how to hide his emotions and feelings, but I had learned to read his subtle face changes and knew instantly that me not fighting for him hurt him much more than he was willing to admit.
"I'm a good liar," was all his he told me finally with a kiss to my forehead. But I still saw how much my belief in his speech upset him. I decided to let it go for now and nodded, making a promise to myself that I would not back down again, I would fight for us with everything I had. Snuggling back into his embrace I sighed and closed my eyes, my body giving in to the comfort his body offered.
"I love you...I'm not letting you go again," he vowed, wrapping his arms around me even tighter and settling down himself to get comfortable.
I nodded and held my tongue knowing that my heart was still to raw and bleeding to say how I felt, but needing to find a way to express it. Turning slightly in Edward's embrace, I reached my hand up and traced my fingers down his cheek, the same way he used to do it when we had first meet and he was still figuring out what I meant to him. I felt the slight up-turn on his lips and then felt them on each of my fingers, taking the time to give each of them attention, then to lightly brush his lips across my knuckles, palm and lastly my wrist.
By the time my hand was returned he had kissed nearly every inch of it and I found myself fighting back a yawn.
"Sleep Bella dear," he implored me gently.
"No, I'm not tired," I lied instantly, knowing full well that Edward would see through it but not being able to help doing so. I didn't want to miss one second of him being back, one second of his arms around me.
He gave a slight chuckle and added, "liar." Placing a kiss on the crown of my head he added, "it's very early still. Go on, I'll be here when you wake."
My fear suddenly rocket up into my throat and my voice shook when I asked, sounding so much like a small child after their parents had assured them their nightmare wasn't real, "promise?"
I felt the tension in his shoulders and knew if I looked up there would be evident pain in his face, probably for the rest of our time together whenever this would be brought up. But my fragile heart needed the confirmation one last time before I closed my eyes, one more time to make my breathing return to normal.
"I promise to be here everyday of forever from now on," he vowed with pure honesty and love in his voice.
"You know, that's probably not possible," I mumbled into his chest. "Alice will steal me away eventually."
Edward laid his cheek down against my forehead and responded, "when it comes to you, nothing's impossible for me.," ignoring the Alice remark. Before I could respond, like to remind him about his impossible attitude on the subject of me being turned into a vampire, he pulled my hand up, kissed it once more, than added, "sleep Bella."
I grumbled once more and he started to hum my lullaby suddenly, the tune instantly opening my eyes back open. The sweet tune was like heaven to my ears and I strained to hear every part of it after having been deprived. After humming the last note Edward whispered his undying love and kissed my forehead, sending me into to sleep.
-
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder,
'Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing'?
Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings...
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
Cause without love I won't Survive
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I'm not sure when the next chapter will be posted - I've been struggling with it for some time now but I'm still not satisfied. But, as always, I'll try to make it within the next few days!