A/N: This story was requested by my good friend w1nter. It had to include the following: Rose, 9th Doctor, permanent marker, toothbrush, elevator shaft, LARGE inflated/ deflated/ inflatable/ deflatable beachball and either cake or pie. And so, 'the war of the pies' was born.
Please note, it may be scary. You just cannot trust Cap'n Jack.
Still takin' requests from people, if you would care to give them?
The War of the Pies
The irritating elevator music was getting on Rose's nerves. And what was the Doctor doing on the twenty-third story of a skyscraper anyway. She had just woken up that morning to find a sticky note stuck to her forehead, of all places, detailing where the Doctor and Jack had gone. Why were those two always swanning off without her? It was annoying, to say the least.
The lift doors pinged open and, acting on some hitherto unnoticed instinct, Rose ducked. Something sailed over her head. When she looked, it turned out it was a cream pie. She stood up again, and the next pie caught her straight in the face.
Coughing and spluttering, she stumbled out of the elevator, wiping banana flavoured cream off her face. A hand caught hold of her wrist, dragging her down to the floor, just as another cream pie flew over her head.
"Watch out, he's got a lot of ammunition over there," Captain Jack whispered with his distinct Harkness accent. "And he's angry that I used his toothbrush for –"
"I don't need to know Jack, I really don't wanna know," Rose shot back, noticing a stack of nearby pies. "I'm guessing 'he' is the Doctor."
Jack nodded. "You got that right," he said, peering over a makeshift barricade of chairs, tables, filing cabinets and potted plants. "I mean, all I did was –"
Rose picked up one of the pies. "I said I don't want to know," she said, chucking the pie over the barricade. "But if the Doctor wants a fight, I fight he shall have."
Rose and Jack traded cream pies with the Doctor for a few long minutes, during which time both teams sustained minor injuries. Rose received a bruised nose, Jack got a black eye from a stray collapsing table, and the Doctor managed to choke violently on banana cream.
But then, the pies were gone.
Jack and Rose glanced at each other. "What do we do now?" Rose asked, "has he got any pies left?"
"I'm not sure," Jack replied, sticking his head over the top of their barricade, "but I'm not sure I'm willing to risk it." The Captain was rewarded with another pie to the face, so he ducked back down.
"It looks like he's got pies left," Rose commented.
Jack licked some of the cream off his face. "Gee, I hadn't noticed. Thanks Rose."
"Well, what do we do now?"
Jack thought hard for a moment. "Well," he admitted, "we could always strip off our clothes, and use them as shields while we run towards him, and then, that leaves us free to –"
Rose prodded him in the chest. "No, Jack," she said forcefully. "I have a better idea." She pulled a large, plastic item from one of her pockets.
"Is that a –"
"No, Jack. It's an inflatable beach ball," Rose said, attempting to quell any rude thought the Captain might have. "And this is what we're going to do with it…" As Rose explained, Jack grinned ever-wider. This was going to be great!
The Doctor almost threw a pie when he spotted Rose walking across the gap between the barricades, but paused a moment when he spotted the white 'flag' in her hands. It actually looked like a piece of white fabric tied to a table leg, but it was the thought that counted, he supposed.
"What do you want!" he called out, standing up to check for distractions, just in case they were planning something.
Rose waved the makeshift flag around a bit. "Truce?" she asked hopefully.
The Doctor pondered the significance of this question. "Let me think about it," he said, relaxing his pie-throwing arm. "What is that anyway?"She pointed at the flag. "This?" she said, tugging on the piece of fabric. "It's Jack's shirt. He offered his underpants, but I turned him down. There has to be limits, even for him."
"Where is Jack anyway," the Doctor grumbled, dropping his pie on the ground, "I can't believe he would agree to a truce."
"I didn't."
The Doctor turned, reaching for a pie at the same time, but he was too slow to avert the shirtless Captain's attack. Jack had enough time to give the Doctor a wink before the beachball came down over his head.
"Get this thing off me!" the hapless Time Lord cried, struggling with the inflatable plastic that now encased his head. "Get this ruddy thing off my head."
Rose handed the shirt-flag back to its owner, and pulled a permanent marker out of her pocket. "Hmm, I think you're looking a bit frowny there, Doctor. I think you need to brighten up a bit."
The Doctor scowled deeply as Rose drew a big, cartoony smiley face on the plastic beach ball.
"There," she said, before turning to Jack. "What do you think?"
The Captain grinned. "Fantastic," he said, in a mock Northern accent.
A/N: While you here (SHAMELESS PLUG), you should check out w1nter's stories. There's some real funny ones. Also, I co-wrote the story Cheese that you can find on w1nter's profile. Tell w1nter I sent ya, and you may get extra imaginary cookies.