A/N: On account of this story ending up far longer than I thought it would, I'm splitting it into four parts, each with three 'days' of Christmas. It's a bit of a belated Chrissy story, I know, but better late then never, hey? Prepare for some serious strange-goings-ons. Allons y!
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - PART ONE
DAY ONE
Six o'clock in the morning, and life in the TARDIS was anything but calm. The Doctor had decided he had wanted pancakes for breakfast (after an hour of deliberation, and numerous complaints from Brittany) but, after discovering that they had run out of, well, everything edible, the only option left to him was to go out for breakfast.
Brittany was still in the process of lacing up her boots when the Doctor attempted to drag her out the door, the end result of this being that her bootlaces remained untied, and she and the Doctor ended up as part of a tangled-up mess on the TARDIS doorstep.
Luckily, every Londoner in their right mind was still tucked away in bed at this early hour, where it was warm, leaving no one to witness the TARDIS crew's embarrassing stumble. Once they had succeeded in de-tangling themselves, all thoughts of food fled the Doctor's mind (quite an achievement in itself), because there, sitting right on his doorstep, was a cardboard box.
But it wasn't just any old cardboard box, oh no. It was a cardboard box wrapped in a prettily tied pink ribbon, with a small unmarked card attached to said ribbon. The Doctor approached cautiously, having not trusted anything pink since that whole 'feather boa' affair. He reached out, gingerly unhooked the card and flipped the white cardboard open.
"'Dear Doctor'," he read aloud, "'on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.'" He stood up, and looked down at the box. "Is it Christmas day?"
"I dunno," Brittany said as she rose to her feet, flicking bits of grime off the shoulders of her jacket. "Why d'ya ask?"
"The first day of Christmas is the 25th of December." He shook his head and leant down, intending to open the box.
Brittany prodded him in the shoulder. "Uh, what about breakfast? I thought that was why we came here."
"Breakfast can wait," he shot back, handing her a bundle of pink ribbon. "Go dispose of that, while I see what's inside." Brittany shrugged, and leant closer, tucking the offending ribbon into one of her many pockets. The Doctor payed her no heed, so intent was he on the box before him. He snaked long fingers around the edge of box, until he found a flap which could be opened. He, of course, opened it. Inside, sitting unobtrusively in the darkness, was a small potted plant with stout branches hanging low with green leaves. This plant was providing a home for a …
"Partridge?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? What kind of gift is that?"
Brittany picked up the card from where it had been discarded on the sidewalk. "Well, you definitely get what it says on the tin," she observed, peering at the words with a frown. "Does that handwriting look familiar to you?"
The Doctor waved a hand. "Not now. We have to get this poor bird inside. Imagine, sitting in a dark box all morning in the winter cold." He sniffed disdainfully, and managed to scoop the gift up, plant, bird and all, holding it tight against his body with both arms. "Won't be a tick." By some magical ability, he opened the TARDIS door without using his hands, and disappeared inside. Brittany prepared herself for a long wait, but she needn't have worried – the Doctor reappeared within seconds, hands tucked into pockets and grin on his face. Business as usual.
The time travellers linked arms and strode off up the road without a care in the world. Well, except for one.
"Hey Doctor."
"Hey yeah?"
"Wasn't that a pear tree?"
"Don't worry; we'll have plenty of time to burn it later."
DAY TWO
The central column wheezed up and down, desperately calling for attention, but the Doctor's attention was otherwise engaged. He was trying to catch a bird.
The insolent partridge warbled at him from her perch high up in console room, amid the tangled mess of pipes and cables. The Doctor stared up at the bird with malice in his eyes as he wrung his hands in frustration. His hair stuck up every-which-way, the crazy tufts interrupted only by the grey feathers that had settled atop his scalp. Scratch marks ran across his shoulder and back, not deep enough to draw blood, but nonetheless powerful enough to tear long gashes in his blue suit. The Doctor, however, could forgive all this. It was no big deal. The one thing he couldn't stand was the fact that the partridge had stolen his tie.
"Give it back!" he roared, pointing a finger at the disobedient bird. "Give it back right now!"
Burgundy tie clasped in beak, the bird cocked it's head to the side curiously, not comprehending the gravity of the situation. The Doctor finally lost his temper. "Alright, that is it!" he yelled as he clambered up onto the mushroom-shaped console. "I am gonna kill you now!" He wrapped his arms and legs around the central column, then proceeded to shimmy his way up to the ceiling. Once he reached the top of the column, he gripped tightly with his knees, and reached out with one arm for his tie. His fingers fell just millimetres short and, just to add insult to injury; the partridge hopped back a couple of paces.
He gritted his teeth in frustration. Why? Why him? Why did he have to look after the stupid bird? And why couldn't it just give him his tie back? It was all or nothing now, and he wasn't one to back down. He wasn't about to let himself be beaten by a bird. He shimmied up a little higher, and grabbed onto a particularly sturdy-looking cable with both hands. Once he was sure his grip was secure, he carefully wrapped his legs around the same cable, leaving himself hanging upside down over the console room. "You won't escape me this time," he forced out through gritted teeth. "I'll get my tie back."
The Time Lord started to move, slowly, hand over hand, sliding along the cable ever closer to his prize. The partridge hopped back, always remaining just beyond the reach of his fingers. That was, until the cable ran out. The bird had nowhere to go, and it was only a matter of time before he had his tie in his grasp.
Brittany chose that moment to enter the console room, rubbing her hands through her wet hair. "Oi, Doctor! The shower's sprung a leak again," she called, not even bothering to ask why in the nine hells he was hanging upside down from the roof.
"Kinda busy here," he shot back, edging a little bit closer to his prize. He reached out with one hand, fingers brushing against his lost tie-
The whole room tumbled askew, a warning klaxon blaring angrily in his ears. The Doctor fell with a screech, landing heavily on the floor, tie in hand. The partridge returned to its pear sapling, and turned its back disdainfully on the rest of the room. Brittany dragged the Doctor to his feet. "So, what the hell just happened?"
He shrugged, and looped the tie around his neck while at the same time he gave the screen a cursory glance. "We appear to have collided with something. A spaceship, apparently." He finished adjusting his tie and practically skipped to the door, but not before shooting the partridge an evil look. To Brittany, he said, "Care to go for a stroll?"
"Why not?" she agreed, following him out the door. When they exited however, what they weren't expecting was another ribbon-encased cardboard box on their doorstep.
"Okay, now I'm starting to get worried," the Doctor breathed after he read through the card. He handed it to Brittany, and unwrapped the ribbon, which he also handed to Brittany. "I was willing to accept one gift as some kind of freak accident, but two? Coincidence? I think not."
Brittany giggled as she read the card aloud. "'Dearest Doctor, I have only eyes for you. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree."
The Doctor sighed, and opened the box. Sure enough, the content of the box were identical to what had been written on the card. He frowned at the birds, which looked at him with complete innocence. "I suppose we had better move them inside. They can go make mischief with their other little friend." That being said, he picked up the whole box, and carried it inside.
DAY THREE
The Doctor sat completely still in his plastic foldy chair, completely immobile except for his eyes, which were following Brittany as she bounced up and down, up and down, up and down in a never-ending cycle. "Having fun?" he said tonelessly, his eyes not leaving her progress.
"Absolutely," she replied with a grin. "This is just bloody brilliant."
The Doctor rubbed his brow, the first movement he'd made in half an hour. "Great. Of all the things you could be doing, it had to be jumping on a trampoline. Don't they have them on Sydoriv?" He paused. "Of course they don't," he answered his own question, putting on a high pitched girly squeak. "What are you Doctor, a ninny-head?"
"I don't ever recall calling you a ninny-head," Brittany put in.
The Doctor, being the Doctor, completely ignored her. "When I was living on Sydoriv, all we had to play with was high-grade industrial explosives –"
"Implosives!"
"-and pieces of broken plascrete." He stopped his rant to stand up, and fold his foldy chair under his arm. "Aren't you lucky to have found me?" he said, going back to his normal Doctor-ish voice. "Those high-grade industrial explosives –"
"Implosives…"
"-could have seriously injured you as a child. Come on, we're going back to the TARDIS." Without even checking to see if his companion was following him, he spun on his heel and stalked away, back towards the TARDIS. Brittany slowly bounced to a halt.
"Doctor?" she called. "Don't leave me here." He disappeared around the corner of a building, not listening to a word she was saying. "Umm, Doctor? Hello? I'm still standing here… DOCTOR!" Somewhere, a cricket with perfect comic timing chirped. "DOCTOR!" Brittany leapt off the trampoline, and charged back to where she knew the TARDIS was parked. On her way, she almost tripped over three hens that were aimlessly pecking at the ground. She shot them a curious glance, but continued on to the TARDIS. When she arrived, she found the Doctor sitting in the time ship's doorway; four doves perched on his shoulders, a partridge on his lap, and another on his head. Strangely enough, the one atop his head had a blue tie clutched in his mouth.
The Doctor sent her an imploring look. "This has got to stop."