Jo x _
Chapter 15
I sat out in the field for the rest of that night, staring up at the stars. I tried to leave my mind completely blank. I was being silly after all. I couldn't possibly think if we were just friends that he would never find someone. It wasn't fair of me to think that. I was being selfish. I lay down on the grass and closed by eyes when I felt someone sit down beside me. It was Alice. I sat up and wiped my face. I never seemed to notice when I was crying.
"You ok?" Alice asked? Her voice was soft and soothing. She put her hand on mine.
"Not really" I muttered. Selfish.
"I thought you were just friends though? Shouldn't it be ok?" She asked. She genuinely seemed confused, which I found odd. Normally Alice knew how I was really feeling before I did so I didn't know how she didn't see this one coming.
"It should be." I whispered, wiping back the tears.
"Bella, we can find you someone else! Edward was never that spe-"
"Don't say that!" I cut her off. How could she say he wasn't special? He was the one person who actually understood me.
"Sorry, sorry." She said putting her hands up, palms facing me. "I just don't understand how he's suddenly so important when you've only known him a couple of weeks." Her voice gradually got lower. This was not like Alice. She was always one step ahead. I suddenly felt the need to give her an explanation.
"He's special to me because..." I hesitated. I could sense this moment becoming incredibly cheesy. "He understands me. He listens to me and when I'm around him I feel like I can be myself. I feel like no matter what I do or say he'll understand. It's like for once I have nothing that I have to prove to someone, it's easy. And I think I..." I stopped myself, remembering my promise to myself that first day. Saying them words would be putting my guard down, leaving myself completely open. "Like him..." I whispered. I knew that it didn't sum up any of my feeling for him, but I would rather say that than say what I was really feeling knowing he would never feel that way.
Alice was silent. Which was very unusual and worried me more than my incredibly cheesy speech. "Alice?" I asked looking up at her. She was sitting looking at me, her hand still on mine.
"I understand," Was all she said and then she leaned over and pulled me in for a hug. I felt myself crying again but quickly pulled myself together when I heard a car door close. I looked back at the house and saw Edward walk into the house with his arm around a a tall girl. Her hair was strawberry blonde, from what I could tell. Seeing his arm around her was like being punched in the chest, over and over again. I felt butterflies in my stomach but didn't understand why. I wasn't excited or nervous, just hurt. It was a pain like I'd never experienced. I wasn't enraged like when I found out about Jacob, I wasn't upset like when I found out Charlie and Renee where getting divorced. This was a new pain that I couldn't put a name to.
As he opened the door for her, he took his hand from around her waist and took her hand. More punches, it felt like a kickboxing match was happening in my heart. Kick, punch, kick. Alice looked at me.
"You should go in," I said. "Don't let them know I'm out here. I don't want any attention. I might follow you in soon." I tried my hardest to hold back the tears that were surely coming soon. Alice must have seen that I needed her to leave. She picked up her gold hand bag and made her way back to the house. Not saying a word.
Almost as soon as she left I broke down. This wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to feel like this. I made promises to myself and tried everything I could to stop myself from feeling like this. So why wasn't it enough? I wrapped my hands around my legs and put my head on my knees. My mind kept flashing back to his arm around hers. I could only imagine what his face was like. He was probably blissfully happy, she seemed to be. It was pointless to deny it now, I loved him. I knew I did. That's why my attempts didn't work at keeping the hurt away. It killed me to know that if I had only realized this sooner, that could have been me. The tears came again.
It seemed like hours had passed. It was now completely black out. I wondered if they were still in there. I knew I should have probably followed Alice back inside like I promised but I knew I couldn't do it. Although I had finished crying an hour ago my face still felt warm and I knew my eyes would be red and puffy.
A car engine went off and I turned around. Edward was leaning in a car window, talking to someone in a car I had never seen before. It was obviously Tanya's. I knew I shouldn't watch. But I couldn't see how I could be in much more pain. I watched and waited for the good night kiss but it didn't happen. He moved away from the car and waved her off. Then he looked down at me, his face taken by surprise seeing me there. He started walking towards me. I quickly started wiping my face and tried to return my breathing to it's regular pattern. As he reached closer I smiled and tried to act as normal as I could.
"Hey, I didn't know you were here?" He said it like it was a question. I tried not to look at him, but it was hard. He smiled his crooked smile and I couldn't look away. "You ok?" He asked concerned. No I wasn't ok. I felt like my chest was empty but yeah nearly bursting with emotions.
"Yeah I'm fine" I lied, looking down. "Just a long day, I just felt like coming out and sitting for a while." I gave him a slight smile and turned my eyes immediately to the ground again.
"Sounds like a plan!" He laughed shooting down to the ground beside me.
"Who was your friend?" I didn't know why I asked it. I just needed to know for sure if my chances where gone.
"Oh..." He hesitated, that was enough for me. "That was Tanya. She's from back home."
"Is she your girlfriend?" Why was I asking these questions? It was as if I was trying to torture myself, but somehow I felt not knowing would be worse.
He was looking down now. "Um... I don't really know what she is. We're close but I think that's it. She's just a friend to me really. A best friend." This didn't comfort me. His voice was so uncertain as he spoke, and from very recent experience, you could feel a lot for your best friend.
"Ok" I whispered. I could feel the tears coming again but desperately fought them back.
"Are you sure your ok?" He asked searching for my face which was now nearly buried in my knees. I couldn't help it now, the tears flowed out freely. "Bella, what's wrong?" I knew I couldn't tell him the truth. How could I?
"Just feeling a bit stressed." I lied.
"It seems to be more than a bit." He noted and then before I knew it he had me cradled in his arms. I felt so embarrassed. I knew that comforting me was probably the last thing he wanted to do, he could be on the phone to Tanya right now or hanging out with Emmett and Jasper, but I couldn't help but feel comfortable in his arms. I curled into his chest and tried to stop my tears. "It's ok." He said running his hand through my hair. "Just let whatever it is that's stressing you go. If it's upsetting you this much than you shouldn't have to deal with it." He whispered, rocking me slightly. But I knew I couldn't take his advice. I couldn't let him go. It was too hard now.