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I know I replied in my reviews saying there would be no theme this chapter, but I changed my mind. It's Sometimes When we Touch by Dan Hill.
The lyrics included in this chapter, in order are from: The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars, She Left Me by McFly, My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne, Hidden Away by Josh Groban, Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, The Impossible Dream by Andy Williams, Damaged by Plumb, and Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel) by Billy Joel. I own none of them or Twilight.
TPOV:
I opened my eyes, shaking my head to clear my dream. I had been having a similar dream on and off for months now. I kept seeing her. I had no idea who she was, but I couldn't get her off my mind.
I was telling her that I had to go but that I would be back for her, one day. There was so much pain in my eyes, my voice, my heart. I didn't know her, but I knew I couldn't leave her. I wanted to glance a look back, try to see her face, but I always woke up.
Standing up I noticed that my phone was flashing to grab my attention. Crap, I had missed a call from Bella.
JPOV:
Bella had woken up the next day, late in the afternoon, after a somewhat good sleep. It had been after 6 am before she had even got to sleep. She was restless most of the night but I was able to calm her down most of the time.
She thanked me but I could already feel her withdrawal. All the progress we had made was slipping again. She spent the next couple of hours trying to find reasons to leave.
I don't know why I should have cared. I should have just let her go, but it's like I was drawn to her. It had been that way when she was with Edward, but I had assumed it was her blood calling to me. Now I knew it wasn't her blood (not that it didn't smell amazingly good). I wasn't going to drink her, I knew it. Rather, I needed to know her, to help her.
She had taken a call from her friend Trip that afternoon. I tried not to eavesdrop, but it was difficult with my sensitive hearing. Who was I kidding, I wanted to hear everything they were saying.
"Cookie. What's shakin'?"
"Hi, Trip. Sorry I bothered you last night, I was feeling kinda down. But I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me Cookie, you know I can tell when you are."
She laughed a little. "I know Trip. I'll be okay though. The boys kept me plenty busy."
"I bet they did. Did you find my gift."
"I did thanks. Okay, you should go, I don't want to keep you."
After that I decided I would at least try to talk to her about it as she grabbed some cereal that had been in the pantry. I wondered if Peter and Charlotte kept it stocked or if they had an idea that she might need it.
I sat down, and decided to just be straightforward. "Bella, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." She replied with a mouth full of cereal.
"I know it's going to take time to earn your trust again. But I can see you trust your friend Trip. And I just want you to know I'm not him." I wondered if that was why she couldn't seem to trust me.
I felt the guilt pouring off of her immediately. "I know, Jasper. I'm sorry. You have been a really good friend to me already, and I know I can trust you. But it's more complicated than that. It came easy with Trip, but it took time there too. I'm not the same girl I was in Forks."
I just nodded. She sure wasn't the same girl. I didn't want to push her away again so I decided to slightly change the subject.
"Is that your friend's shirt?" I pointed to the one that she was still wearing.
She nodded, her mouth busying chewing.
"Hmm."
She misread my confusion. "Jasper, I told you it's not like that. But even if it was he's gone." I wondered if she still thought I was spying for Edward.
I shook my head. "No, no. That's not what I meant. I was thinking that it had a scent to it, distinct from yours of course."
She gave me a half-smile. "Kinda like the forest in the rain?"
I chuckled. But this just confused me more. The first part I didn't understand was why she was able to smell a human so strongly. I doubted he spent much time in the forest in the rain, it was all from him. I could tell it was strong and it was just a piece of clothing. I decided to focus on the more pressing concern though. "Yeah, that's it. I was just wondering why I was able to smell him now but not before."
She nodded, confusion and curiosity overcoming her too. "What do you think that means?"
"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe it was from whatever he was taking that night."
She nodded getting up to wash her bowl. I didn't think that was it, but it's all I could think of at the moment. And I didn't want to worry her.
"Well, I'll let you be Jasper. I'm sure you have things to do. And I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
I shook my head. "I won't lie and say you don't smell good. But Bella, I have spent a while on my own, and to be truthful I don't feel the temptation anymore. It's more important for me to be there for you."
I saw her fighting with herself. I'm sure she didn't want to be by herself, but at the same time she was afraid.
"Why don't you just stay Bella, please. I want you here."
She nodded. "At least for a little while."
I showed her around the property a bit and we watched some television. She had to leave eventually though because she had an exam the next morning. I had managed to convince her to let me pick her up the next day afterwards though. I think she didn't want to be alone because it didn't take as much convincing as I thought it would.
BPOV:
I don't know why I agreed to come back. Well, that was a lie. I wanted to see Jasper. I found my resolve wavering more and more. Half of me told me to be cautious because he would be leaving soon, but that didn't seem to stop my other half
I had always felt that Jasper and I were alike. We both sat back and let Alice and Edward play the leads. It was similar to Trip and I, how we enjoyed to be a part while watching from the outside. That's how I had felt about Jasper and I, as much as we were there, we weren't at the same time.
We were never close though. Edward would never allow it. In Phoenix, when he wasn't around though I could tell we had some sort of connection.
Now he was back, and in the short time he had been, I could feel something pulling me towards him. I had fought it, but it was becoming more difficult. Like Trip, he was meant to be in my life. There was some connection there I couldn't fight, like we were all part of something.
I guess that's how I found myself back in his car. He said his friends were still gone and he would like the company. Truth be told, I missed his calming effect last night, sleeping alone in my dorm room.
He had stopped to pick me up a chicken caesar wrap and now we were heading back to the house. I sat down at the table and he sat with me. As I started eating I noticed an old guitar sitting in the corner.
Jasper caught me looking at it. I wondered if it was his. "Will you play something while I eat?"
He nodded and grabbed it, sitting back down on the dining room chair.
"What do you want to hear?" I just shrugged and I could tell by his grin he decided to just go with something fun. His voice came out easy and smooth. There was a smile in it.
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all, nothing at all
Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)
Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
I chuckled at the choice of his song. I appreciated the lightness of it and he looked so at ease doing it.
He just strummed lightly while I finished eating. We talked about when he learned, which he said was back when he was human.
After I was done eating I took my plate to the sink as Jasper put his guitar back against the wall. I washed it quickly and looked in the fridge wondering if there would be any drinks. I chucked as I saw a case of beer. I wondered why a house of vampires would have one when I saw a note stuck to the top. It read: drink me. I shrugged and grabbed two bottles, returning to table.
I sat down, placing one in front of Jasper, twisting off my lid with the bottom of my shirt.
He laughed. "Where on earth did you find those?"
I shrugged. "They were in the fridge with a note saying to drink them."
He laughed but I just stared back, obviously missing the joke.
He took a sip of his beer and addressed my questioning look. "Peter and Charlotte, my friends, sometimes they know things ahead of time."
I said it before I realized I did. "Like Alice you mean?" As soon as it was out my hand flew to my mouth. I regretted it immediately and I'm sure Jasper felt it. I didn't know what the situation was with her, but obviously something was going on and judging by his face I was right. I was also a bit curious though.
He sighed. "It's okay Bella. You can say her name. And no. Peter, he just has these feelings sometimes. He doesn't see things, just has vague feelings about things."
I nodded. I thought about dropping it. I knew I didn't want to talk about my issues, what made me think that he would. But then again, it was getting exhausting keeping everything in and trying to forget. I could talk to Trip, but not about a lot of things. Taking the vampires and wolves out of the story changed it. And what about the newest development of me burning that guy if that wasn't just a dream. No, I definitely had to keep it in.
Seeing my struggle mirrored in Jasper, I could tell he was deciding whether he wanted to talk about it. I thought he was going to drop it, but then he grabbed his guitar again and walked towards the living room. I got up and followed, grabbing my beer.
He sat down on the large sectional as I sat on the other end. He sighed. He didn't say anything else as he picked it up and started strumming gently and his smooth voice began again, with a little less playfulness than before.
She walked in and said she didn't wanna know
Anymore
Before i could ask why she was gone out the door
I didn't know, what i did wrong
But now i just can't move on
Since she left me
She told me
Don't worry
You'll be OK you don't need me
Believe me you'll be fine
Then i knew what she meant
And it's not what she said
Now i can't believe that she's gone
I was staring at him, taking in how nice the song sounded. Jasper was just looking down now though and it suddenly occurred to me that he telling me what happened in the only way he knew how.
I reached over, immediately placing my hand on his knee. It was an automatic reaction, but I was surprised with the comfort it brought me, when it was him I was trying to show support for. "Oh, Jasper! I'm so sorry!" I felt sadness rush through me at the loss. They were both so good and I was sad this had happened them. I couldn't imagine what could have happened, then it hit me. It was probably something to do with my birthday, the last time we had all been together. I immediately felt guilty.
He shook his head. I had to get remember to keep a better guard on my emotions when he was around. "Bella, I don't know why you're feeling that way, but this was a long time comin'."
He went on to tell me how he and Alice were always close but that it was never like what he felt from Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, and especially his friends Peter and Charlotte.
He continued, telling me how they did love each other and agreed it was better than being alone. But then Alice couldn't do it anymore. She said it was better for everyone if they just ended it.
He told me how they had moved from Forks and made it another eight months. I wondered what he had done the rest of the time and he told me how he spent six months on his own, trying not to make any decision to appear in her visions, just finding himself.
We just sat there in silence for a while after that. Jasper eventually looked at me expectantly. "Thanks for listenin'. If there's anything you want to talk about, I'd be happy to return the favour."
I sighed. He had shared so much with me. I could give him something. I didn't know what to say or where to start so I decided to follow his lead. I chugged down the rest of the beer I had been sipping and held out my hand. "Fine, but I'm going to need another one of these."
He looked at me questioningly. I smiled a little at him. "You didn't think you're the only one whose fingers work do you?"
He chuckled at me. "I just didn't know you played."
"Not much. I'm no rockstar like you or anything." I joked with him. It was easy to joke with him, and much easier than letting down my walls completely. All of the guys play at least a little guitar so I had been getting lessons from Trip since last spring and the others while we sat around getting high.
I started strumming. I didn't know many songs well, but I knew enough to get by. I knew the song that expressed the words over how I had felt when he left me. It was a song that I replayed in my head often. Though the words were there, I made sure not to let my emotions pour into it. I wasn't ready for that.
Lets talk this over
It's not like we're dead (I gave him a wink and he chuckled)
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
JPOV:
She put down the guitar, taking a drink of the beer I had brought her. I smiled at her. I didn't know that she knew how to play guitar at all, but then again why would I? I could tell she played for amusement, that she wasn't trained. But it still suited her.
Her song choice seemed to fit exactly how she was feeling. In the short time I had been back around her I could feeling her mourning over the life she thought she would have. But I felt very little of her emotions in the song. Of course I could feel them otherwise, but they were mostly guarded. The strongest was determination.
She was still trying to protect herself, but at least it was a start. I had hoped that my singing to her would provide a different way to express the things neither of us could.
"You're good Bella, I can see lots of potential."
She laughed. "Sure, thanks Jasper." She didn't think I was serious.
I risked getting too personal then. "Bella, I'm proud of you."
She blushed slightly but I felt the confusion rolling off of her. She just nodded though and I didn't push it. I was proud of her though. She was getting by how she could.
I was waiting for her to shut down again but she shocked me. "I'm proud of you too Jasper."
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Me? Why?"
"Breaking out on your own. Dealing with it all and finding yourself." I would have blushed now if I could have. I felt a bit of happiness knowing she was proud of me.
"Thank ya Darlin'."
She was a little nervous now. I wondered what brought about that emotion. "Can I ask you something Jasper?"
"Of course." I would answer it. I wanted her to open up to me, I would show her I could do the same.
"Where are you from, the South I guess."
I nodded. I decided that now was as good a time as any. So I told her about my change, my time with Maria, how I was "raised."
I could feel the pride she was sending off now. I gave her a crooked expression and she smiled lightly. "I'm even more proud of you now, Jasper."
I smiled back, I couldn't help it.
We sat for awhile as we just played around lightly with the guitar, talked about her exam and Rhode Island.
She looked out the window later in the night. "Can we go up to the tree, Jasper?"
"Of course." I replied, grabbing the guitar, the pack of smokes and the rest of the case of beer. I was able to balance it all, getting bella to hold onto the guitar as I climbed.
I had her sit against the truck of the tree again. I could catch her if she was going to fall, but I had been drinking a bit too, not enough to really affect me but maybe enough to slow me a tad, and she was a klutz. I straddled the branch a few feet away from her, facing her.
We sat there a few minutes when I decided to ask her about the nickname I didn't quite understand. "So cookie?" I asked with a smile.
She laughed and went into a story telling me how she first met Trip. I nodded. "So when do I get to give you a nickname?"
I was worried she'd pull away but she was actually feeling rather content and at ease. "I don't know. Why don't we start with you playing something else for me."
I nodded, getting ready to oblige. I lit a cigarette first, inhaling a couple of times before handing it to her so that I could play and sing.
I decided that I would try again to get her to open up. This was as far as we'd got and she was feeling relatively happy so it was probably a good time. She responded to song better than me asking her straight out, so it was worth a shot.
And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away
Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today
I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away
You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickered candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows
And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away
She looked at me with big eyes and understanding. She heard my plea, but I didn't know if she would answer. I could feel a bit of fear in her, but also some acceptance.
She put the cigarette in her mouth before motioning for the guitar. I could feel her resolve wavering.
I gave her a minute as she continued to fight her fear. I knew she wanted to share with me, I could both feel and see it. She started strumming a bit aimlessly. I took the cigarette so that she could breathe and she sighed.
She didn't know the exact music, as she started to play and sing. She was not vocally trained either, but her voice was much more her now than it had been in her last attempt to placate me with a song. It was quiet with a slight edge to it, just like her. It was a messy rendition of the song, but it was also possibly the most beautiful thing I had heard in my long existence. I didn't even have to tap into her emotions because I heard the hurt, loneliness, pain, and abandonment in her voice.
I thought, I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well, you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
It crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care, I had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn, torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on this floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn, torn
I could see she was a bit shaken so I took the guitar from her, lighting her a new smoke, and letting my hand drop to just above her knee sending her my gratitude, not wanting to break the moment by speaking. She looked up at me from under her hair and gave me a half smile as I saw her. Really saw her. She had let her walls down and let me in for the briefest of minutes and I was grateful.
She regained a bit of her composure, already starting to close off. But it wasn't like before. I could still feel her strength and pride, but there was no fear coming from her right now. I didn't know if it had to do with her drinking, the night sky, or that I had opened up for her first, but she started explaining without me even having to ask her.
She told me all about how she had shut down after Edward left, still careful not to say his name/ Then how she had become friends with that wolf, leaned on him before he shut her out. She wasn't bearing everything open to me anymore emotionally, but she was being honest. She was feeling calm, though I wasn't manipulating her. I wondered if she was feeling the comfort I felt when we made contact with each other.
She continued, telling me how her father had shipped her away from Forks and she went to live with her mother and stepfather who eventually took off. No wonder she had learned to put up walls and been scared to trust anyone.
I decided to speak. "Bella, I know you're still afraid, but I promised, I'm not going anywhere."
She nodded but I still felt a bit of disbelief from her.
"You know, I'm afraid too."
She looked at me bewildered. "What do you have to be afraid of Jasper?"
Before I could answer she shivered a little. It was getting late, and I assumed cold. I handed her the guitar and picked her up, jumping down from the tree. I brought us inside and turned on the fireplace in the living room and handed her a blanket to wrap up in.
She looked up at me as I sat down in front of her, running my fingers through my hair. She had bore everything to me. I could do this. But this isn't something I wanted to admit.
I continued to wage a war with myself and I didn't even notice Bella approaching me. She was still moving slowly but there was no fear coming from her. Before I knew it, she laid down next to me, just barely resting her head on my leg.
I felt the comfort washing over me again, the unexplainable connection that I realized we had. She was looking up at me with her big, unassuming eyes. I still hadn't said anything and she began to get afraid again. "Is this okay, am I too close?" I smiled a little at her. I wondered if she was afraid that I would hurt her or of rejection.
I nodded. "It's fine Bella. I won't hurt you." I meant more than physically when I said it. She seemed content with my answer so I began, looking right down into her eyes as I sang.
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go.
To right the unrightable wrong
To be better far than you are
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To be willing to give when there's no more to give
To be willing to die so that honor and justice may live
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star.
She looked up at me for a few more moments, tears welling up in her eyes. Was she afraid now, realizing I was beyond help? She shocked me as she sat up and threw her arms around my neck. I stiffened, but then allowed myself to relax into her hold.
"Jasper. That was beautiful. I can understand why you're scared, but I know you can do it. I have faith in you."
I replied honestly, hoping it wouldn't scare her away. "I just don't know if I can do it alone."
She looked back at me, still holding on tightly. "But you have been Jasper. And you're strong, stronger than you think."
I gave her a half smile but I could tell she didn't quite believe it. "It's true that I have scars Bella, physical and emotional."
She smile a similar smile to me. "And they make you who you are now."
After that we sat there for awhile, mildly content.
I started to realize just how late it was and pulled away, breaking the comforting touch."You should go to bed. Do you want me to take you home or do you want to stay."
She stopped and I felt her extreme anxiety for the briefest of seconds, but it was soon replaced with resolve. "Jasper, wait. There's something.. I just." She was flustered, now running her fingers through her hair. "You've been completely honest with me. And there's something I need to share with you."
I had been completely overwhelmed by her trust in me earlier, but now she was sharing the last piece she was holding onto. My standing in front of her emotionally naked, had given her the courage to open up. I nodded encouragingly as she broke into the purest voice I'd ever heard.
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've ever know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've
taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've
taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
She stumbled now as the tears flowed freely down her face. Her voice caught as she whispered out the next line.
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back
I was wrong earlier. This was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. And the most heartbreaking at the same time.
There was no keeping the emotions in for her now as they came barreling out, and fast. Her confusion, hurt, pain, and shame hit me like a wall as she stood up, getting ready to run.
She made it all of three steps before she collapsed. I was there before she could hit the ground, catching her and bringing her close to my chest as I cradled her. "Okay, shhh Bella. I'm here. It's not your fault." I had a feeling that song had more behind it than just Edward. She sobbed harder, her body shaking slightly from the force of it. I just continued to try to reassure her. "None of what you shared with me tonight was your fault. You deserve so much more. Shh, darlin', it's okay."
We sat there for about an hour before she settled down. Once she did we continued to sit there, not moving, not speaking.
I decided to break the silence. I wiped some damp hair from her face. "Thanks for sharing that with me Bella. Why don't we get you to bed, okay?" She nodded weakly as I stood to my feet, bringing her up into my arms.
I walked up the stairs to the bedroom she had stayed in last time, bending down to place her softly on the bed. Before I could let go she grabbed tightly at my shirt.
"Please, don't go." It was barely a whisper. I looked into her doe eyes. In them I saw she meant more than just tonight.
I nodded gently, seating myself against the headboard, keeping her cradled in my arms.
Charlotte was right. She told me something was going to change tonight. This was the beginning of something, of what I wasn't sure. All I knew was there was no going back now. With her in my arms now, instead of my guitar, I started a new song as she drifted to sleep.
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
She was asleep now but I finished the next two lyrics anyway.
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me