A/N: Wow, just checked... haven't had a single review since chapter 3... this is chapter 7... not sure why I'm still posting this... oh well, only four left now that this one's posted, so I guess I'll just finish it and... whatever. Hopefully I can finish this other short fic I've been working on soon and I can post that and then maybe (Kami-sama willing) I will be able to post the epic fic that I've been working on for ages... hit page 75 yesterday, not even close to halfway done... it shall be my masterpiece... (starts laughing maniacally) Enjoy! Please at least consider reviewing.
All the world's a fanfic, and all the humans and demons merely characters.
Disclaimer:
Ryouko: (surprised) Oh, is it my turn already. Yeah, sure, uhhuh, whatever. Anyway, we do not own any of the YYH cast, and thank the Lord for that. When we get the money to buy them, we'll make sure Youko is tamed, Hiei has mastered the Dragon enough that it won't eat us, Yusuke stopped being a delinquent, Kuwabara gets a new haircut and style…
Himizu: And a new brain…
Kitsune: You mean he had a brain. That's news for me!
Himizu: (light bulb over her head) Hey, when we get the money, let's get a hockey player as well!
Kitsune: Only if it's Nikolai Zherdev.
Himizu: No, Rick Nash!
(almost everyone within a 10 mile radius runs away at the moment Himizu mentions He-Who-Must-Be-Named (Rick Nash))
Kitsune: Nikolai Zherdev!
Himizu: Rick Nash!
Kitsune: Nikolai Zherdev!
Himizu: Rick Nash!
Ryouko: -.-;;; (turns to Hiei) Want to go get ice cream?
Hiei: Heck, why not. If they're not done by the time we return, I'll use my dragon on them. (Hiei and Ryouko walk away as the constant quarreling of the two authors continues)
Kitsune: Nikolai Zherdev!
Himizu: Rick Nash!
Time Travel and Living Gelatin Masses: A Yu Yu Hakusho and Wolf's Rain Crossover
Four wolves were running through deep snow. Well, it wasn't that deep by human standards, but these were wolves, and they are much shorter than humans, so they were having a hard time. These wolves were on their way to paradise. What they were smoking when they decided this, the world will never know. But there they were, running around in deep snow and searching for paradise. That's all you really need to know, but I typed this whole paragraph because I'm random like that.
Anyways, the wolves were running, when suddenly some crazy old guy who'd had a little too much to drink earlier that day and every other day of his miserable pointless existence appeared and started shooting at them. This happened a lot, so the wolves knew what to do. They ran to the nearest cliff and jumped off it. Then they would run off and hide and the crazy old guy would go around swearing and shooting for a while before giving up and getting drunk again and chasing them again. Poor wolves. Stupid old guy.
So the wolves jumped off the nearest cliff and prepared to run for safety. However, this was the wrong cliff to jump off of because when they were still several feet above the ground, a whirling colorful vortex appeared under them. The wolves were unable to change directions in midair and so were sucked into the vortex, swirling and spinning through blurred colors that even Crayola hasn't come up with yet. Then the vortex closed behind them and it was as though they had never been there at all.
"Damn!" yelled Himizu furiously. "Why won't this thing work?"
"Well, maybe if we try to reconnect the fizzy thing to the red and blue wires and add that black one to the little orange box…" muttered Ryouko, staring at the mess of electronic equipment that the three girls had pulled out of some random closet earlier that morning.
"Won't the YYH Cast be surprised to find a working time and space vortex right in the middle of our living room?" asked Risu, looking quite overjoyed.
"Well, they'll definitely be surprised, even if it doesn't work!" said Ryouko happily.
"How about if we add that living gelatin mass that we found in the microwave yesterday?" suggested Himizu.
"You mean that thing that used to be a cherry pie but got covered in goop from the Almighty Jellyfish along with some radioactive material that promptly became more radioactive and made the thing come alive the moment we stuck it in the microwave to see if it would be edible?" asked Risu.
"Yep, that's the one!" said Himizu happily. Any rational person would have found that suggestion appalling and would have been terrified that these three girls even had a living gelatin mass in their microwave. Fortunately for this story, these girls are not rational.
"GREAT IDEA!" cried Risu and Ryouko together. They used their Authoress powers to teleport the living gelatin mass to their sides instantly and attached it to the wires. Whatever was in that gelatin mass much have worked, because suddenly the blank gray hole became a whirling vortex of color and light.
"I wonder where it's opened at…" murmured Ryouko, peering at the whirlpool with interest.
At that precise moment, four wolves tumbled out of the vortex. The girls jumped back with cries of surprise and shock, but they got over it quickly. Especially Ryouko.
"WOLFIES!" she screamed, diving forward and trying to hug all four wolves at once. "My wolfies!" she declared, glaring furiously at her two friends as she tied collars and leashes around the wolves' necks. Risu fell over twitching. Himizu, who also liked wolves (although not to the same degree as her wolf-obsessed friend), gave Ryouko her best puppy-dog eyes. Ryouko wavered, then relented.
"Oh, all right, you can have one I guess. But if you take the black one, I will brutally murder you and no one will ever find your remains."
"Oh darn, the black wolf was the one I wanted," said Himizu. Ryouko snarled animal-like and bared her teeth and fingernails. Himizu held up her hands.
"I was kidding! Don't hurt yourself! Or me! I don't want that black wolf, he reminds me too much of that bastard Tsume from Wolf's Rain." The wolf glared at her. "I want the white wolf cuz he reminds me of Kiba. Kiba was freaking awesome!"
"Okay, you can have the white wolf," grumbled Ryouko.
"YAYNESS!" cried Himizu, seizing her new wolf.
At that moment, things got a little weirder when the vortex spat out Kurama and Hiei. They looked around in confusion for a minute, taking in Risu twitching on the floor, Himizu stroking an elegant white wolf, and Ryouko happily petting three more wolves. The two demons brushed themselves off and stared at the girls. Hiei rolled his eyes.
"Not you three again!"
"Who else do you know who would be messing around with time and space?" asked Risu, finally done twitching.
"Quite a few people actually, but you're the only ones we know that do it so persistently and have been so successful at it and actually have a hideout in another dimension," Kurama replied. The girls beamed. The wolves fell over in shock.
"So where were you guys?" asked Risu.
"Makai," Hiei said simply. Everyone nodded. The wolves looked confused, then decided it was none of their business, so they just sat there looking bored and annoyed. Kurama gazed sympathetically at them.
"What are you doing to those poor creatures?" he asked.
"They're our new pets!" Himizu cried happily, untying her wolf since Ryouko had practically choked him with the collar. "I'm calling mine Kiba cuz he reminds me of that one white wolf from Wolf's Rain. Kiba was the best! Then Hige! Then Toboe. Then Tsume… Tsume was a bastard. If I ever met him, I would kick his ass for being a bastard. Then he would turn into a wolf and try to kill me. Then I would run around screaming bloody murder until Ryouko saw him and tackled him and started hugging him because she loves wolves so much." She nodded and smiled like she had said nothing out of the ordinary. Kurama and Hiei sweatdropped. They knew they shouldn't be surprised since, after all, this was Himizu, Ryouko, and Risu. These girls didn't just toe the line of insanity; they had leapt over it a long time ago. And they were proud of it. The wolves simply looked freaked out. Ryouko and Risu didn't even blink. Himizu then lay down on her stomach and stroked the head of her wolf with a contented smile on her face.
"So, do you guys like my wolfies?" Ryouko asked as Kurama and Hiei observed the three wolves that were practically being strangled by Ryouko's loving embraces. Himizu stared at the wolves.
"I want another one."
"Why? They're my wolfies! I'm the one that's all obsessed with them! My wolves!"
"Ryouko… please?" asked Himizu, giving her puppy eyes. Ryouko scowled.
"I'll think about it."
Himizu was about to protest that, but Kurama interrupted. He was looking at the portal.
"That thing is so distracting. Can I disconnect it?"
"NO! OUR LIFE'S WORK! YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" cried Risu.
"Yeah, we've been working on it for all of five hours, we all know that that's the span of our lifetimes…" muttered Himizu.
"We're back here again? This house is evil!" Hiei groaned. "What with all those little doom minions you have running around…"
"THEY'RE NOT MINIONS!" Risu yelled at him. "After all, to be minions, you need to have some measure of control over them, which we happen to lack." Hiei twitched slightly.
Himizu laughed softly as she continued to stroke the white wolf's soft fur, paying more attention to the antics of her friends than to the wolf lying next to her. However she did notice that the fur was suddenly becoming longer… rougher… more hair like… She looked down and gave a startled yelp as she saw a young human male wearing a white T-shirt, a black jacket, and black jeans. He had long brown hair and was pretty good-looking, but only the Holy Duck knows if Himizu even noticed any of these things. When she saw that the wolf had turned into a human, she promptly fell prostrate before him, forehead touching her hands.
"Are you the Holy Duck in disguise? Should I be worshipping you? Tell me, O Great Holy Duck, what is my mission in life?"
Kiba stared in shock, eye twitching. Hiei kicked Himizu in the head.
"Your mission is to be a pain in the ass. Congratulations, you have completed your mission. You can now go to hell." He pulled out his sword to chop off her head, but Himizu had jumped up and was dancing around.
"I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE HOLY DUCK! HE IS PLEASED WITH ME! I HAVE BEEN ANNOINTED! I MUST FIND A POND AND BE BAPTIZED! TO THE CONSECRATED POND!" She threw herself towards the window, but Kurama grabbed her.
"Himizu, settle down!" he said forcefully. She blinked at him.
"Sorry bout that. Hello Kiba."
Kiba blinked. "How did you know my name?" he asked finally. Himizu gave him a patronizing look.
"Cuz I read your manga, dur!"
Kiba obviously had no clue what that was supposed to mean, but didn't comment. After about ten minutes of silence and random humming by Himizu, her head suddenly snapped up and she stared in surprise at Kiba.
"Wait a second… You're in Wolf's Rain… only… you're here… which means… that those three other wolves… are really Toboe, Tsume, and HIGE!"
Kiba fell over backwards from the force of her yell.
"Er… something like that…" he muttered weakly. Himizu perked up. She ran over to Ryouko.
"Ryouko-kun, dearest best friend in the whole wide world… may I please have another wolf?" she begged, giving her friend her best puppy-dog eyes. Ryouko glared, but gave in. Himizu chose the small brown wolf that transformed into the skinny brown-haired Toboe as soon as she removed his collar. Then Himizu, with a brilliance that no one who has known her insanity for any amount of time would have expected of her, pretended that she didn't like the little brown wolf pup as much as the thick-set light brown wolf. Ryouko, who was too busy and happy hugging the slim black wolf to notice, nodded in assent. Himizu slipped the collar off Hige, then turned right around and hugged Kiba again. Kiba froze nervously and waited until her brain wandered off on a different track and she then sat in the middle of the floor with a Mancala board and playing against herself, moving the marbles from cup to cup and singing random songs by The Police. Kiba tapped her on the shoulder. She looked at him innocently.
"What about Tsume?" he asked her.
"What about Tsume?" she replied.
"Aren't you going to rescue him too?" he asked. Her eyes widened in surprise.
"Do I look suicidal to you?"
"Yes…"
"…"
"If you don't untie him, Tsume will escape and rip out your throat," Kiba explained. Himizu blinked.
"Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Better than the alternative."
"Which would be…?" asked Kurama.
"If I ever untied Tsume, Ryouko would beat me to death with a spiked club, bring me back to life, shoot me with five hundred rounds of machine guns, bring me back to life, set me on fire and throw a few dozen bombs at me, bring me back to life, bludgeon me to death with the nearest normal yet deadly object she could lay her hands on, bring me back to life, tie me up and cover me with spiders and watch and laugh at me until I died screaming or from a heart attack because I suffer from major arachnophobia, cut my dead body into little bitty pieces, set them on fire, wait until the fire went out, put me in a blender and make a milkshake type thing, set that on fire, wait until that fire went out, stomp on me repeatedly and beat me with a hammer, set my remains on fire again, throw what little ashes are left into a pond, and then those ashes would dissolve in the water and evaporate and be sucked up into the clouds and come back down as rain and the rain would fall on a chicken and because chickens are retarded, it will look up and stare at the rain wondering what it is and all the rain containing my ashes will roll up the chicken's nose and down into its lungs and it will drown and be cut up and served as dinner to some snot-nosed bratty little kid and I'll end my known existence as food of children and it will probably a bratty preppy little child, which we all know is the spawn of Satan so indirectly I will be helping in the destruction of humanity by feeding Satan and his offspring all by drowning a chicken and freeing a wolf and angering a tiger!" Himizu then fell over twitching because she had screamed that whole sentence in one breath. Ryouko looked over at her mildly.
"I don't know what crime you were planning on committing, but that sounded like an accurate punishment. How did you know?"
"Because that happened to me once already, remember? The whole immortality thing where I had to make that deal with the devil who is really a duck who is really a poppy and must not be confused with Satan! Satan is the guy that's worshipped by terrorists and cult people and drug traffickers and psychopathic rapists and people who are in every way horrible and evil whereas the devil who is really a duck who is really a poppy is a wonderful and merciful being who has given me eternal life despite all the evil tortures that my psychotic best friend loves to bestow upon me. Get it?"
Ryouko and Risu nodded as though this made perfect sense. Kiba, Hige, Tsume, Toboe, Hiei, and Kurama fell over twitching. After a long silence, Ryouko suddenly got a look of utter confusion.
"Wait… where did those three strange guys come from?"
Cue Anime fall.
"Baka…" Himizu muttered, twitching slightly.
Ryouko continued to stare at the three guys. "Wait… they look familiar… it's coming to me… no it's not… Argh! Who are they?"
"Don't mind her, she's nuts," Himizu said calmly, whacking her friend over the head with a mallet. After a moment of swirly eyes, Ryouko suddenly jumped up.
"HIGE!" she screamed, tackling the brown-haired boy. He yelped and tried to get away, but she held on tight. Then she froze. "Wait, where's Tsume?"
Another Anime fall.
"God, I thought Himizu was the airhead hyperactive forgetful brain-dead idiot," Risu muttered. Himizu beat her with a mallet. Ryouko thought about that for a moment, then turned around and saw the black wolf that she had been throttling with a tight collar and constant hugs. Her eyes widened in horror.
"Oh crap… TSUME, I AM SO SORRY!" she cried hysterically as she released the black wolf, who panted for breath and snapped his teeth at her when she reached for him. He then transformed into a young leather-clad man. With a very twitchy eye and a very pissed-off look on his face.
"Whatever…" he snarled, seating himself on a chair far away from her. Ryouko looked depressed, then consoled herself by hugging Hiei who glared at her and shrugged her off.
"So… how did we get here?" Toboe asked.
"Our time and space vortex! Isn't it pretty?" Risu exclaimed, pointing at the still-colorful mass of light. It wasn't spinning anymore, since Kurama is a friggin genius and stopped it from spitting anyone else out of it.
Ryouko suddenly gasped. "Oh crap…"
"What?" asked Himizu.
"How are these guys gonna get home?" Ryouko asked. Himizu's eyes widened.
"Shit… didn't think of that," she said finally.
"I can tell…" Ryouko said dryly.
"You didn't either, or you wouldn't be asking me! I don't think, you know that!"
"Well, it was your stupid idea to make this thing!"
"No it wasn't, it was yours!"
"It was yours, baka!"
"Why would I have such a stupid idea like that?"
"Because all you ever have are stupid ideas!"
"You didn't think it was such a bad idea when I decided that we should make a mansion in another dimension!"
"True…"
"Or when we bought that kick-ass black convertible!"
"Okay, you're right…"
"Or when we messed with that one television so that it would only play good shows like CSI or whatever we wanted to watch at the time!"
"All right, all right! Not all your ideas are bad! But this one was!"
"IT WASN'T MY IDEA!"
"THEN WHOSE WAS IT?"
"YOURS!"
"MINE?"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"
"WHY WOULD I HAVE SUCH A CRAPPY IDEA?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
"I AM NOT! YOU ARE!"
"NO, I'M A JERK! GET IT RIGHT!"
"FINE! SOR-RY!"
"YOU BETTER BE!"
"I'M NOT!"
"WITCH!"
"FREAK!"
"I AM NOT! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAD THIS CRAPPY IDEA!"
"I WAS NOT!"
"WELL IF IT WASN'T ME, AND IT WASN'T YOU, WHO WAS IT?"
"RISU!"
"RISU, YOU MORON!"
"SHUT UP!" Hiei yelled, belting them both over the head. They fell over with swirly eyes. Then they woke up and started throttling Hiei for daring to harm them. Then they stopped and sat down and started thinking about what they would have to do to send the Wolf's Rain crew, along with Kurama and Hiei, back to their own times.
"Well, there's really only one way to deal with this situation… since we have no way of knowing how to get them back to their correct time, we are forced to keep them here with us forever and ever!" cried Himizu.
"Sweet!" cried Ryouko and Risu.
"Do you three ever think anything through before you start it?" asked Kurama.
"Um, no I don't think so. Have we ever thought anything through?" asked Ryouko. Risu and Himizu puzzled over this for several hours, and shushed Kurama angrily whenever he tried to interrupt them. Finally six hours later just as the girls had finished making a delicious-looking ravioli dinner with sides of garlic bread and corn, they turned to Kurama and declared that no, they had never thought anything through in their lives. This somehow did not surprise Kurama in the least, and after they enjoyed their dinner, he retreated to the library to research their problem while the rest of them played bowling and mini-golf on the Wii. The poor wolves did their best at the game but found the primitive technology confusing and ended up mostly giving up. Hige hung in there though and played several rounds against the girls while the other three wolves and Hiei sat and watched.
Several hours later, just as Himizu and Risu were getting into an argument over who had to go ask the fox if he wanted to join them for cake and ice cream, Kurama walked back into the living room with a stack of books, pages of notes three feet tall, and a smirk to rival even Hiei, which suitably impressed the girls enough that they sat down to listen to him.
"Your problem is simple. You need the time portal to open in reverse so that it will visit the last worlds it's been to so that we can all go home," he explained as he would to young children. "We also need to know the precise instant that it passes through the worlds we want. Now I need a digital clock, a barometer, several cables…" he listed off several items that he thought would prove useful. The girls called in the robot servants to find these items and soon Kurama was hard at work. Videogames forgotten, everyone crowded around Kurama to watch and possibly offer some help (at least Hiei and the wolves would, the girls were hoping he would fail so that they would have captives).
First Kurama hooked up the barometer, some cables, and a few other things to the portal. "If I've done this right, this should give us a reading of what happened while the portal was active. The digital clock will give us a timeline and all we have to do is put it in reverse and jump through when the barometer shows the correct energetic output."
"Hm… If only I'd taken some engineering classes…" Ryouko muttered.
"If only I'd paid attention in classes that might have talked about this…" Himizu mused.
"I actually took engineering classes and I don't know what the heck he's talking about!" Risu exclaimed.
Kiba was nodding. "This could work. Everything makes sense, though the tools he's using aren't very high-tech."
"Well excuse me for not having access to your amazing futuristic technology," Kurama snapped, bristling.
"That just makes this contraption you've set up all the more amazing," Toboe put in, hoping to avoid a fight.
Kurama gave the portal a slight jolt and the barometer started to move. At first the line was straight and dead-looking, then there was a small spike as it jumped to life, then a series of steady peaks and valleys, then a large jump, more steady peaks and valleys, then a very large jump, then more steady peaks and valleys, then a series of peaks that were very close together at varying heights, then back to a dead flat line.
"Okay, so where the line begins is after I turned it off. Where it starts to jump, it was on. This peak is where Hiei and I came in, and this one is where the wolves came in. This stuttering series here is where the portal was turned on for the first time and was calibrating itself. Any questions?"
"Sure, how are you going to reverse the spin?" Kiba asked. Kurama just smiled.
"You leave that to me."
Several minutes later, everything was set up. Kurama set up the digital clock so that it was counting backwards from 8:05.
"As you all know, normally this clock would be showing a time. Right now it is actually showing a number of minutes and seconds. There are eight minutes and five seconds on this clock right now. At 4:46, Hiei and I will jump through the portal into Makai. At 2:13, you wolves need to jump through into your world. At 0:00, the portal will self-destruct so that there are no more incidents," he added, glaring at the three girls, who got perfectly innocent looks on their faces.
"And you're positive we'll be in the correct time?" Tsume asked.
"99.3 percent positive," Kurama said. "And frankly, if I'm wrong, you're screwed because I won't be able to help you." The wolves thought about this but decided that even being stuck in a random time was probably better than being stuck here with three psychotic girls who seemed to enjoy kidnapping and torturing just a little too much.
Kurama flicked a switch and the portal whirled to life. They all sat perfectly still and watched the numbers count down. At five minutes, Kurama and Hiei stood up and walked to the edge of the portal. They nodded to the girls.
"See you soon I'm sure," Hiei said dryly.
"Bye Hiei-chan!" Ryouko called, waving to him. He actually nodded in acknowledgement but before anyone could comment on that, the clock his 4:46 and he and Kurama jumped into the portal and vanished.
"I can't believe you just let Hiei walk away like that," Himizu said in surprise.
"It's not like I can't find him again whenever I want to," Ryouko reminded her with a fiendish grin. Then she hugged the wolves one last time.
"I swear, girl, if you keep us from jumping into that portal…" Tsume snarled.
"I'm not a complete retard, I know you'd all maul me just for the fun of it if I did that," Ryouko said with a sad sigh. The wolves glanced at each other and walked to the portal.
"See you never again I hope," Hige said.
"Bye Tsume!" Ryouko called.
"Bye Kiba!" Himizu exclaimed.
"Bye Toboe!" Risu cried. The clock hit 2:13 and the wolves jumped and vanished. The girls sat still and watched the clock run down.
"Well that was fun. What should we do next?" Himizu asked.
"Destroy all of the notes Kurama made so that when we build the next portal he can't do anything to destroy it?" Risu suggested.
"I like the way you think!" Ryouko exclaimed, high-fiving the squirrel. They started to walk towards where Kurama had left his notes, but just then the clock hit 0:00 and the portal, the clock, the wires, and everything else connected to them exploded, including the living gelatin mass, showering the girls in living radioactive goop.
"AUGH! It's so sticky and goopy and… YUCK!" Himizu shrieked.
"EWWWW it's all tangled up in my hair!" Ryouko screamed.
"It's fusing with my skin and making it turn green! Cool, but not what I was hoping for!" Risu exclaimed.
"Ugh, ugh, ugh! Decontamination showers, on the double!" Himizu yelled, and the three girls ran for their decontamination showers to rid themselves of the goop. Meanwhile the robot servants cleaned and decontaminated the living room, while one of them cleaned and hid Kurama's notes in a fox-approved location. And also, the Wolf's Rain wolves made it back safely.
Somewhere in Makai…
"So do you think that getting covered with their living gelatin mass will be enough to distract them while that robot you reprogrammed hides your notes?" Hiei asked.
"I imagine so. They're insane, but they're still rational enough to not like being covered in radioactive goop," Kurama said.
"You're a genius."
"Thank you, I'm well aware," Kurama said with a smug smile.
"Ego… out of control…" Hiei muttered. Kurama snorted and the two demons glared at each other and considered sparring before realizing that they really needed to get back to hunting the demons they'd been sent after before they'd been interrupted.
A/N: This fic was originally supposed to be a long fic involving time-hopping and other insane stuff but then I started working on a different fic that involved going to different worlds in books and animes and movies and etc. and I decided I didn't want to work on two time-hopping/world-hopping fics at the same time, so I looked at the two fics and made the painful decision of which one to get rid of and this one got the axe. But I'd already written most of the first chapter and I thought it was hilarious so I just changed up the ending a little and reworked it into a one-shot and stuck it here in this fic instead! I love how this fic is solving so many of my problems.