A/N: This was originally supposed to be either a really long one-shot or a reasonably short fic broken up into five chapters or less, but I hit a combination of running out of ideas and thinking it was too repetitive and if I tried to drag it out, it would have been really boring. But I think that what I did write for it is funny, so here it is.

All the world's a fanfic, and all the humans and demons merely characters.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

"What is this thing that you ningens call baseball?" asked Hiei, treating the occupants of the room to his patented death glare.

"It's a really neat sport!" Yusuke exclaimed. "And the food is incredible!"

Yusuke and Kuwabara had come barging into Kurama's house announcing that they had managed to buy eleven tickets to an exhibition baseball game that was in town. They had promptly invited Kurama, Hiei, Keiko, Shizuru, Genkai, Botan, and Yukina. Botan invited Koenma (to Yusuke's dismay), and Koenma forced George to come along. So they were all gathered in Kurama's living room. Hiei shook his head, unconvinced.

"Ryouko told me the worst hotdog she ever had was one at a baseball game," he retorted.

"Then don't eat the hotdog, man!" exclaimed Kuwabara. "Come on Shorty, I know you didn't have a childhood, but that's no reason not to have fun now!"

Hiei's eyes narrowed and he touched his katana. "And what do the rest of you, besides the two bakas, think about this…baseball?" he asked, still not understanding the point of this ridiculous ningen sport.

Koenma, George, Botan, and Yukina all shrugged. Like Hiei, they had never seen a baseball game before. Genkai smirked.

"It's fun to play in videogame format. It's even more fun to play against Yusuke with my back to the T.V. and with only the use of my thumbs. I think the last time we played; I beat him by about a hundred runs. We only stopped because the game blew up. Apparently you're not allowed to score more than one hundred runs in one game." She shrugged, frowning slightly. Everyone stared with huge eyes, first at the calm wizard of videogames, then at Yusuke, who looked very embarrassed and ticked off. Then everyone pointed and laughed at Yusuke. Then they pointed and laughed at Kuwabara because he had been pointing and laughing at the wall. And life was good.

Keiko thought that baseball games were fun. Shizuru shrugged.

"They're kind of boring, unless the pitcher hits the batter with the ball and the batter charges the pitcher and the catcher tackles the batter from behind and then all the team members come pouring out and they start fighting." She smiled. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"And what do you think, fox?" asked Hiei, shifting his glare to the one person in the room who hadn't offered an opinion. A faint smile slid onto Kurama's face as he finally pulled his hand out of a desk drawer. He was clutching a small book labeled 'Stats' in Kurama's precise handwriting.

"Baseball…the most statistical sport in the world," he said calmly. Everyone fell over. Kurama blinked. Then he tucked the book into his shirt pocket and seized some money. Then they all trooped off to the game.

The actual walking to the game went without incident, but as soon as they tried to walk into the stadium, Hiei set off the security alarm. Yes folks, Hiei had brought his katana to the baseball game and security being what it is nowadays, Hiei was immediately labeled as a terrorist and a SWAT team was called in to subdue and arrest this dangerous threat to civilization. But Hiei, being the devious littler stinker that he is, decided not to follow the traditional laws and proceeded to use his Jagon eye on the security, the SWAT team, and all the nearby fans that had seen the incident with the exception of his ten friend-type persons. And they were able to proceed into the stadium without further issues.

Now in Houston, they have a stadium with a giant retractable roof that can be closed if it's raining and opened if it's sunny out, but no one else is that lucky in the United States and they're certainly not that lucky in Japan. We have the beautiful open-air stadium equipped with fresh air mingled with the scent of popcorn and exhaust (cough, gag), the lovely sunshine (it looks like rain), and the birds singing (can you say bird-crap on the seats?). Yes, it was a perfect day for a baseball game and our characters have front row seats on the first base line. And life is good…or it would be if they weren't surrounded by little old ladies feeding peanuts to pigeons (there are parks for that, ya' know!), squalling fangirls (poor Kurama and Hiei), and beer-swigging, leather jacket-wearing, tattoo-sporting, cigarette-smoking motorcycle dudes! Oh yes, life is a wonderful thing.

It didn't take long for the fun to start. First the pigeons started landing on Yusuke, which the old ladies thought was just precious. Then they wanted to take photos of Yusuke and exclaim over how cute he was with all those pigeons on him. So poor Yusuke was forced to sit there while those sweet old ladies chirped and cooed just like their pigeons. Genkai chipped in by sprinkling peanuts in Yusuke's hair. Then she and the other old ladies seized Koenma and Kuwabara and made them pigeon bait as well.

Now these four weren't the only ones having fun. Kurama and Hiei were hiding behind giant newspapers, hoping that the fangirls wouldn't notice them. Meanwhile, George was hidden beneath a long trench coat and a wide-brimmed hat. He was trying to engage the fangirls in conversation (poor soul…all those whacks from Koenma must have scrambled his brain).

And what was happening to Keiko, Shizuru, Yukina, and Botan? You don't wanna' know (is hit on the head with random objects). Fine! They've been taken prisoner by Martians and are on their way to Pluto to be sex slaves (is now being menaced with lots of pointy things). Fine! They're at the stadium. About to be molested by beer-swigging, leather jacket-wearing, tattoo-sporting, cigarette-smoking motorcycle dudes, but they're going to enjoy that.

Anywho, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Koenma, Kurama, and Hiei simultaneously noticed the girls' dilemma and went to rescue them. The fangirls saw Kurama and Hiei and went wild. The old ladies were furious because their subjects had run off. So the fangirls came charging with their cameras, autograph books, and chains. The old ladies came charging with their canes, umbrellas, and purses. And the motorcycle dudes started waving their beer bottles around and bellowing like drunken ogres. And the battle of the century began. The YYH cast decided not to get involved and they slipped unobtrusively to the fringes of the battleground. Security came running. As they passed, they bowed to Hiei. Everyone stared at Hiei.

"Why'd they bow to you?" Koenma asked. Hiei grinned evilly and everyone saw the glow on his forehead. Comprehension dawned and Koenma began lecturing them about not using demonic powers and keeping their cover as ordinary humans. Hiei cast his eyes over George in his trench coat and floppy hat, then over Koenma in his flowing cape with his 'Jr' stamp on the forehead and the pacifier in his mouth. His lips curled scornfully. Koenma's eyes narrowed and he looked ready to forget the Reiki laws and kill the undersized fire demon, but Kurama pointed out that their row had been cleared up and that all the fangirls, old ladies, and beer-swigging, leather jacket-wearing, tattoo-sporting, cigarette-smoking motorcycle dudes had been arrested. As the gang resumed their seats, a voice echoed through the stadium.

"Welcome, baseball fans, to the first exhibition game of the season! Tonight, we have the celebrated Kurama Rangers vs. the esteemed Hiei Cavaliers!" The audience went wild.

"Now, the lineup for the Rangers! Pitching: Kurama 1! Catching: Kurama 2! First base: Kurama 3! Second base: Kurama 4! Shortstop: Kurama 5! Third base: Kurama 6! Left field: Kurama 7! Center field: Kurama 8! And right field: Kurama 9!"

The nine Kuramas jogged out onto the field. Immediately, a mass of fangirls raised giant banners and began screaming wildly. The Kuramas bowed outrageously and threw roses to their fans.

"And for the Cavaliers! Pitching: Hiei 1! Catching: Hiei 2! First base: Hiei 3! Second base: Hiei 4! Shortstop: Hiei 5! Third base: Hiei 6! Left field: Hiei 7! Center field: Hiei 8! And right field: Hiei 9!"

The Hiei's ran out onto the field. Another mass of fangirls held up banners and screamed with joy. The Hiei's ripped their shirts and began to pose outrageously and flex their muscles. The YYH gang stared in surprise. The Cavaliers were clones of Hiei and the Rangers were clones of Kurama. The two said demons leaned back in their seats, frowning scornfully.

"Do they call those muscles?" Hiei asked, glaring at the posing Hieis. "Those aren't even six-packs."

"Look at these roses! Flimsy plastic! And look at their hair. There isn't even a hint of silky shine!" added Kurama. "Obviously, they don't take nearly such good care of their hair as I do."

"Yeah, they probably don't have time to shower twelve different times a day," snickered Yusuke. Kurama glared, but at that moment, the mascots ran onto the field as well.

"Give it up for the mascots, Harry Canary…" A giant canary wearing a tux, black glasses, and an outrageous smile on his face jumped about waving. "…Clammy Sosa…" A giant clam with a very large mouth came running. "…Cow Lipkin Jr…" A giant cow came running out, waving energetically. "…And Ken Giraffy Jr.!" A giant giraffe came running out, wild applause raining down. Hiei shot Yusuke and Kuwabara a death glare, obviously asking why again they had forced him to come to this pathetic waste of time. They both flinched and tried to pacify the irate demon. Luckily for them, the game started and Hiei was curious as to how baseball was played, so he laid off the death threats and watched the game.

The Rangers and Cavaliers were well-matched. For the first three innings, they watched the Kurama's make amazing catches and the Hiei's make amazing double plays. By the end of the third inning the score was still 0-0 and the paramedics had carted off close to a dozen fainting fangirls. Yusuke and Kuwabara had long since lost interest in the game and were now taunting the players.

"Hey, Kurama 1, my grandmother pitches better than you and she's paralyzed from the neck down!" Yusuke screamed.

"Hey, Hiei 5, my granddad is faster than you and he's in a wheelchair!" Kuwabara taunted.

"He was only that fast because he wanted to get away from you," Hiei muttered, annoyed.

For the intermission between the third and fourth innings, it was announced that Cow Lipkin Jr. would be having a dancing contest with any of the fans that wished to participate. Kuwabara, being the baka that he is, decided to get rid of any microscopic shred of pride that he might have been concealing and joined in. However, no one else in the stadium was so idiotic, so it was just Kuwabara and Cow Lipkin Jr. dancing.

Cow Lipkin Jr. immediately started doing some really freaky disco moves while Kuwabara started doing the Hokey Pokey. The fans booed Kuwabara and threw rotten tomatoes at him. Where they got rotten tomatoes in the middle of a baseball stadium…the world may never know. Maybe the Japanese like to have a good supply of rotten tomatoes to throw at bad dancers. Then, to add injury to insult, Cow Lipkin Jr. jumped on Kuwabara repeatedly, using him for a trampoline. The YYH group laughed hysterically, although Yukina seemed to feel at least a drop of pity for the buffoon. But eventually it was time for the fourth inning to begin, so Cow Lipkin Jr. ran off to wild applause from the crowd, and Kuwabara made pathetic attempts to crawl back to his seat and eventually had to be dragged back by Yusuke and Kurama. Once in his seat, he promptly passed out from pain, which made everyone very happy. And life was good.

As if to make up for his friend's silence due to unconsciousness, Yusuke stepped up on his taunts, continuously raking on the nerves of the Cavaliers and Rangers. Kurama tried a few times to make Yusuke shut up, but he may as well have been talking to his chair for all the attention Yusuke paid to his request. So he sat and watched the game for a few moments, but was again distracted. Ken Giraffy Jr. had been roaming the stands to chat with fans and hug little kids, but he had made two very big mistakes:

1) He called Hiei little.

2) He had tried to give Hiei a hug.

Consequently he was now running around the field with his head on fire.

"Why?" Kurama had asked as several young baseball fans burst into tears as the giraffe burst into flames.

"He deserved it…" Hiei muttered, with his traditional 'I don't give a damn, so don't waste your time lecturing me' expression on his face.

"Can't you at least try to have fun here?" asked Kurama, sure of the answer before it even crossed his lips. He might as well tell Kuwabara to ignore Yukina, or Youko not to steal. It just wasn't going to happen.

"No," was the frigid response. No surprise there. Kurama gave up and made yet another attempt to watch the game. But this attempt was also a failure and soon Koenma was scolding Hiei for using his demonic powers and for creating a sensation in the midst of a public place. Hiei let the lecture run for all of ten seconds, but then Koenma was running around the field in the same fashion as Ken Giraffy Jr.

Eventually several workers doused the mascot and the Reiki prince with water and no one had connected the spontaneous combustion with the short stoic person sitting on the first-base line. At this point, the players were really starting to get annoyed, but thankfully it was time for the seventh inning stretch and Harry Canary walked out to the pitcher's mound. To call his voice similar to a gang of tortured, yowling cats would be a great injustice to those cats. To call it similar to fingernails on a blackboard would be a great injustice to nails and blackboards alike. To even suggest that the singing was 100 times worse than the cats, nails, and blackboard combined would be provocation enough to cause all cats, nails, and blackboards to brutally murder anyone who would dare to suggest it. So it really wasn't all that bad.

"Take me out to the ballgame! Take me out with the crowd! Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks! I don't care if I ever—AAAHHHHHH!"

The reason for this agonized shriek was pretty obvious. Yusuke, disgusted by the horrid singing, had put an end to it by turning Harry Canary into Harry Canary Flambé with his trusty Spirit Gun. He had done it very discretely, and to all those pathetic, ignorant people who had no spirit awareness, it looked as though Harry Canary had spontaneously combusted (anyone seeing a pattern here?). They also marveled that three people had done so at the same place within twenty minutes of each other (apparently some are seeing it…). These stupid people then decided that the stadium was contaminated and they were all going to die, so they ran off, screaming about people spontaneously combusting. They were promptly carted off to the nearest mental hospital and left to die screaming and raving. And they deserved it too, baka ningens.

The Cavaliers and Rangers continued their game with only slight misgivings. By the end of the eighth, the score was still 0-0. As he waited for the ninth inning to start, Kurama continued to fill in his book of stats. As he wrote, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up and did a perfect impression of someone who had received an electric shock. The fact that his once-perfect hair had suddenly become frizzy made Kurama panic even more and he started running around screaming about how he needed hair spray and a comb.

What was the vile creature that had caused Kurama's hair to commit the sin of becoming messy? It was a vile creature, a creature not fit for mortal eyes to behold. It was the one, the only…Clammy Sosa! One of the mascots for the Hiei Cavaliers, the dreaded clam had spotted the boy that looked just like the members of the Kurama Rangers, and had decided to deal with this affront to the Cavaliers…by eating him. So he'd approached Kurama with his mouth wide open, a sight horrifying enough to frighten even the most cold-blooded, collected being in the universe.

With speed that gave lie to his species, Clammy Sosa chased after Kurama, caught him, and swallowed him, all in less time than it took for someone to say 'Clammy Sosa'. Hiei stood up slowly, an aura of fire appearing around him.

"Okay, I've put up with a lot today. This whole experience has been one gigantic misadventure from the beginning and I am completely sick of it. This sport is stupid, these teams are stupid, the mascots are stupid, and everyone who enjoys this pathetic "sport" is stupid, and I wash my hands of all of you. I'm going to rescue my friend and then I'm going home!" he yelled.

Everyone stared at the pissed-off fire demon as he stalked towards the giant clam. Koenma stood up to stop him, but then thought better of it as he'd already been set on fire once that day. Hiei walked up to the giant clam, pulled out his katana, and sliced it open, causing Kurama to fall into an undignified heap in front of them and the guy who was wearing the clam costume to wet his pants. Then Hiei set the entire stadium on fire and the YYH gang fled the scene. Kurama scattered a powder into the flames that was quickly spread by all the smoke. It messed with people's memories so that they all thought they had seen a perfectly normal game on a perfectly normal day and that the massive fire sweeping the stadium was caused by an electrical malfunction by a popcorn machine.

"That was the most fun I've ever had at a baseball game!" Yusuke exclaimed. "We need to go to another game again soon!"

"Yeah!" Kuwabara agreed. "Maybe next time we should storm the field instead of taunting people from the stands!"

"NO THANK YOU!" the rest of the Cast screamed, blowing the two idiots several miles away with the force of their yells.

End!

A/N: This fic was originally supposed to be much longer and involve the YYH Cast having to play a game against the combined forces of the Hiei Cavaliers and the Kurama Rangers, but then I got involved in BSTVs and Youkai in Black and by the time I decided to turn my attention back to this fic, I'd lost interest in the concept and I'd lost the list of the positions that people were going to play so I got pissed and refused to work on it again and just now decided to pull it back up. I'd only written up to the part where Kurama had been eaten by Clammy Sosa so it was pretty easy to pull together a nice ending, especially with Hiei blowing things up, that's always a nice ending.