Anyone else finding it hard to be angry after the lovely Blackout in the Blizzard a couple of weeks ago? Damn… I wanted to be mad a little while longer. So, I'm having to revisit old S6 episodes to recall that anger (I repeat I'm "rewatching" Hannah episodes to write this stuff... I know you feel my pain!)
The jury's out on just how "angry" this one is. As my wonderful friend and willing beta for this piece, ProfeJMarie, pointed out, it invoked feelings of sadness for her rather than anger. But I think anger is definitely one of the many emotions B&B deal with in this piece, so I'm sticking it here, even if it makes all of us sad. Did I mention I find getting angry hard right now? (Damn Blizzard...) : )
This is my imagined fallout from the Doctor in the Photo, which picks up 10 days after that night in the car (before the next episode), in songfic style. I've never done this before, so you'll have to tell me what you think… And probably stick "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum on repeat while you read it for the 'whole effect.' I'd like to believe there was more inner turmoil as fallout for both B&B from that car conversation than what we got to witness. Because… there just had to be, right?
Picture-perfect memories scattered all around the floor
It's a familiar place. Familiar surroundings. Familiar faces even after years passed.
More importantly, familiar temptations.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
It's been nearly two weeks since he's talked to her. He flips his phone in his hand, hovering over "2" which still speed dials her phone.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
He's had no reason to call her. And if he did, he can't fathom what he'd say. So every night, he ends up here. This place that brings him back to that first night…
For me it happens all the time
Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. She throws the covers off of her body, frustrated as they try to tangle her into submission, tying her down to an objective she can't reach. The digital display near her head reads "1:06." She'll sleep eventually. It's not like it was before, with someone inside of her head. Now, it's just her own grief and regret keeping her awake.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
She knows she'll fall asleep. But until she does, she stares at her phone. Willing it to ring. Willing herself to dial an all-too-familiar number. Just to hear his voice or his breathing into the line would be enough.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now
It doesn't have to be much. No substance. No conversation. She needs nothing but to gain the knowledge that if she still calls him, he'll answer.
And I don't know how I can do without
He hasn't called her. She hasn't called him. The distance between them is greater than when they were living worlds apart. She is an independent, self-reliant woman who doesn't need anything from anyone.
I just need you now
Or that's what she continues to tell herself in hopes that her metaphorical heart will finally agree with her mind.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
The glass is heavy in his hand. Every night, he drinks enough to need a cab to leave. His car stays here each night to give him an excuse to leave his bed early and retrieve it every morning. He sips slowly as the minutes tick away, eyes darting between the pool table and the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
Every time the door opens, there's a second of overwhelming emotion that washes over him. Fear that it's her. Hope that she's come for him. Disappointment when he realizes that this time, he made this choice. Fear that he's made the wrong choice. Hope that whatever may come, he's strong enough to fix it. Disappointment that as the door swings close, it again wasn't her walking in for him.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
She's pacing now. Walking off the pent up energy that's keeping her awake. Except she's not energized at all. She's exhausted. She's sad. And dammit, she's pissed off. He's moved on and she needs to as well. But in order to do that, she's going to have to stop thinking about him first.
For me it happens all the time
She resigns herself to knowing that tonight won't be the night she succeeds. Putting her coat on over her pajamas, she walks out into the darkness.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
He grabs the first cab to drive up to the curb and gives the address. He's not sure, but he thinks this cabbie has picked him up before this week. If so, he knows the drill. He knows this fare will include two stops.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
Every night, he makes it a little bit further. The first night, he couldn't get out of the cab. By the fourth night, he made it to the entrance of her building. The seventh night, he made it to the elevator before he turned around and on the eighth night, he sat in the stairwell after only climbing a flight.
And I don't know how I can do without
She doesn't even call the cab company anymore. This particular cabbie ceased trolling for fares, opting to wait outside her building this time every night. He'd take her to the same place. She'd stare at the door while the meter ran. At first, barely a minute passed as she stared before asking him to take her back. Last night, 45 minutes passed before she made the same request. One night, she got out of the cab and ran her hand over a SUV parked outside this bar, before she returned to the cab and he drove her home. He never asks questions. Because for someone so troubled by something, he felt the least he could do was continue to offer her the privacy of someone who didn't question her need for it.
I just need you now
Tonight, she surprises the cabbie. Tonight, she exits the cab as soon as they arrive. She stands there for a moment and the cabbie can hear her breathing. Surprising them both, she confidently walked into the bar all on her own. Tonight is different, but out of a loyalty the cabbie didn't know he possessed until that moment, he flicks off his 'ready' light and waits there, just in case.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Like last night, he makes it all the way up her stairs. This time, he makes it to her door. Maybe tonight, making it this far would be enough. Maybe tomorrow night, he'll be brave enough to knock.
No. No, if he can't knock on her door tonight, he is done. He isn't coming back to this building. He isn't going back to that bar. If she won't answer now, it will be an answer all on its own. He deserves a shot at happiness, dammit. And tomorrow, one way or another, with one woman or another, he is going to grab for it.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
She looks around the familiar place. She recognizes the surroundings, but none of the faces. Not a single one.
Confused and maybe embarrassed, she walks over to the bar to sit for a moment. She was so sure he would be here. While the seat next to hers is empty, a whiskey glass, half full, sits on top of a crumpled napkin. And the napkin nearly covers a familiar something.
She picks it up and twirls it in her fingers. Answering a question she didn't ask, the bartender tells her the patron already went home.
Home.
She pockets it, walking out the door, back into the darkness.
And I don't know how I can do without
He tries. He knocks. He waits. He bites back the fear that something is wrong since she isn't answering. He chalks it up to fate telling him his future lays elsewhere. In his bed. In his home.
He hasn't been able to bring himself to return home in daylight hours since that night. He arrives long after midnight and departs long before any alarm rings. Daylight makes certain things real. He's a former sniper… he's used to hiding in the daylight and using the nighttime to his advantage.
He walks out of the building and toward the cabbie, who already knows the second address. He put his hands in his pockets and felt around for something that could bring him stability. No more gambling, he thinks. Tonight he is going home. And in the morning, when the sun rises and the alarm goes off, he'll still be there.
I just need you now
They both arrive at separate homes at the same times. They both slip under their separate covers and watch their separate ceilings above them, willing sleep to find them, as they have every night these past two weeks.
It's improbable and unscientific and they'll never discuss this period of time, so the phenomenon will never be known to either of them.
Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn.
The digital display near her head reads "4:47 am."
And unbeknownst to two souls, struggling to unite or separate for good, laying in two separate beds on separate sides of town, sleep claims them both at the same time.
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
There were important lessons that she gained from those two weeks. She couldn't fix this… this thing. Not on her own. And maybe she'd need to accept that some things, once broken, couldn't be fixed.
They finally faced each other, both managing to erase nearly two weeks of utter pain and discontent from their faces. They answered one another with pacifying responses that allow them to keep the one string that tethers them to one another, the last thread that keeps the center from spiraling apart at subatomic speeds intact.
She noticed him looking for it one day, as he often did subconsciously. Normally, it was soon after a moment he'd had to speak face to face with her. She was his greatest stressor now. She wanted to feel some sense of pride in that part of her that was angry with him, but the guilt overwhelmed her.
He knew where he left it and she knew where she found it and acknowledging either of those things meant acknowledging the turmoil, the frustration, the anger and hurt they simultaneously experienced together yet separate, from a time they both swore to put behind them.
They never spoke of it. Even days later, when he walked into his office and found his lost poker chip sitting in front of his chair, he knew they never would.
Oh baby I need you now
I was completely blown away by the reviews on the last chapter (and it's possible there's a drunk-Brennan-aftermath follow-up piece in the works for that previous chapter). In the meantime, I'd love to know your thoughts on this one! *hugs*
And bonus points if you can determine the significance of 1:06 am. :)