~On the Turning Away~

The main hall required very little adornments to provide the most beautiful backdrop for the commendation ceremony and following victory celebration. Thick, luxurious draperies hung down, surrounding the throne area in rich gold colours that matched the border of the blue running carpet covering the length of the hall. The fires and torches burned proudly as they accented the illumination from the sun that beamed in through the high windows and shone on the hanging noble banners. Various smells of incense filled the air with a pleasant floral scent that reminded former Orlesians in attendance of home. There was little else in Denerim that could match the beauty of the Royal Palace.

"Then," Alistair announced confidently, bringing the commendation ceremony to a close, "It is my honour to officially present to you all the Hero of Ferelden." Drea bowed to Alistair before turning to the crowded room and deeply bowing again. The room erupted into cheer as the festivities officially began. Alistair smile graciously as he said quietly to Drea, "Please go and enjoy yourself. I will not keep you from your fans." It was as polite of a dismissal as he could muster. The pain was still fresh, but he was working to accept the role he was handed. Stepping into the shoes of King was easier than he expected as it became obvious he was an instant favourite among his people.

Things will never be the same again, will they? Alistair's final question to her rang in her head. She couldn't even grant him the generosity of an illusion - of course would never be the same. Never again would they be lovers and never again could it just be Alistair and Drea. It would always be the King of Ferelden and the Commander of the Grey. The change was immediate and evident during the ceremony as they addressed one another as was strictly proper and nothing more. At least the crowd did not seem to notice any stiffness between the two.

Nodding in acknowledgement of Alistair's dismissal, Drea turned and surveyed the room. Oghren was in the far corner surrounded by a group of fellow dwarves, all of whom were already well into the drink, Zevran was busy entertaining a group of lovely women, and Wynne was chatting with people dressed in robes similar to hers - likely also mages. Arkon, her beloved mabari, had settled at the back of the room and beside him stood Sten, as calm and stoic as ever. Although he was not able to express it in words, Drea knew her mabari would miss the company of his fellow warrior who was due to leave at dawn. With a sigh, she scanned the rest of the room, and finally spotted her brother. Not being entirely ready to venture outside and face the larger crowds, Drea slowly made her way through the main hall. Fergus watched her approach, speaking politely with the well wishers that stopped her along the way. He smiled widely at her when she finally arrived and smoothly closed his free arm around her. "Mother and Father would be so proud of you, dear sister."

Drea could smell the wine already on Fergus' breath, but his words were no less sincere. Clasping her hand over his as it rested on her shoulder she nodded, "Thank you Fergus. And how are you doing?"

"I am well…as I was last night…and as I will be tomorrow when we can speak more. For now though, I will not save you from your fans," he chuckled.

Drea narrowed her eyes a him as she drew her lips tightly together in a sour look. He always did seem to be able to read her mind, ever since they were children. "I was finished with all the pomp hours ago," she quietly complained to him.

Finally laughing out loud, Fergus replied, "Perhaps, but it is not done with you! Besides, you had better get used to useless ceremony. With the entire arling of Amaranthine under your belt, you'll be dealing with this more often."

A look of disgust crossed her face, "Surely it won't be as bad as this."

Thoughtfully, Fergus brought his wine to his lips and took a shallow sip. With a sigh he replied, "I hope not. I suppose I'll be feeling your pain while I'm doing the same pomp in Highever." He fell silent for a moment before pushing away the thoughts of the betrayal that destroyed his family a year earlier. "For now though, you must go at least try to enjoy yourself," he encouraged as he gave her a gentle nudge while he pulled his arm away.

She turned back to throw a sarcastic comment at him to see he had already returned to the group of men he was speaking with before. Giving up on her brother for refuge, she looked over the crowd to spot a familiar face and saw Leliana a short distance away. It was difficult to miss her, her fiery red hair reflected her general passion and practically served as a beacon. As usual, the entire group surrounding her was enthralled with her every word - they couldn't help themselves. Drea found she couldn't help herself either and soon was weaving through the people to get to Leliana's side, arriving just in time to hear her say, "Oh, actually I plan on returning to Orlais within the next few days."

Drea's stomach knotted painfully as those words fell on her ears. Before she could speak, one of the noblewomen noticed her. "I just returned from Val Royeaux, and it was so beautiful this…Oh! Commander," she exclaimed as she bowed.

Surprised, Leliana turned and respectfully bowed her head in welcome. Patiently, Drea motioned for the group to relax, "Thank you, but that's truly not necessary." Trying to appear nonchalant, she added, "I only stopped by to compliment you Leliana, you look beautiful tonight."

Warmly, Leliana smiled and her eyes sparkled, "Oh, thank you Commander." Looking down at her feet, Leliana raised the hem of her skirt enough for Drea to see the blue satin shoes she wore. Drea instantly recognized them as the shoes she had given to Leliana while they traveled on the road. She had doubted there would ever be a use for them, but Leliana vehemently swore there would be an occasion. Letting go of her skirt, she gave Drea a quick wink. Before anyone caught on that they were missing anything Leliana gestured to Drea's own attire and added, "I must admit, I am slightly disappointed - I had hoped for a chance to see you in something other than your armour. Even Zevran put aside his armour for the evening."

Drea opened her mouth to reply that her armour was at least clean for once, but the nobleman standing next to her broke in first, "Zevran…now…is that the name of the elf servant that followed with you?"

Growing up surrounded with elf servants, she knew this was an innocent enough question. However, after shedding blood with Zevran, and spending time with elves in both the Dalish camp and Alienage, this question quickly drew her ire. Curtly she replied, "No - we had no such servant. We did, however, travel with a deadly Antivan assassin who deemed our cause worthy of joining."

Despite keeping her demeanor calm, he could see that he had offended, "Yes of course. My apologies."

Politely smiling she shook her head dismissively, "It is an honest mistake, think nothing of it. If you will all excuse me however, I must take my leave. Leliana…if you have a moment I was hoping to have a word with you in private?"

"Of course," Leliana readily agreed. Flashing her disarming smile to the group, she quickly pardoned herself and followed Drea. Although Drea walked at a casual pace, stopping here and there to accept praise from random people, Leliana could feel her sense of urgency. Finally, she was led to a side door and they slipped from the hall. Once they finally stepped into a nearby room, Leliana asked, "Is everything alright?"

For a moment, Drea mentally ran through the list of what to say. She did not like blurting things out without thinking them through - her training in court at her Father's side taught her that could be dangerous. Unfortunately, nothing helpful came to mind; she had not planned to do this now. Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest and the one thought that kept repeating in her mind was simply, she's leaving. Crossing her arms tightly, she finally spoke, "Well yes…and no. I am sorry to drag you away like that, it's just that I really have to tell you something."

Leliana's eyes expressed her concern, but she still smiled, trying to put Drea at ease, "It's alright, you know I will always find you more interesting than a room full of nobles."

Nervously running her tongue over her lips and smoothing out her hair, Drea inwardly grew frustrated at herself. Leliana had always been so easy to talk to, so why was this so hard? Hesitantly, she began, "Leliana…I left you to fight at the front gate during the battle with the archdemon. I told you it was because I needed someone I could trust there to lead the defense. But I lied." Pausing, she watched as Leliana cocked her head to the side. Her surprise at this random topic was obvious, but she remained quiet, letting Drea continue. "The truth is…I could not bear to have you harm's way at all. Nowhere was particularly safe, I know, but the archdemon was an unknown danger. At least at the gate, between your gifted fighting, our other companions, and Arl Eamon's men I could tell myself you would be safe. I knew if…if I had you beside me to face the archdemon I would worry. If anything happened to you…I don't know what I would have done." Her words came out in a rush, and finally she forced herself to stop talking. With her arms still crossed, she leaned back onto the counter against the wall behind her, trying…and failing…to appear relaxed.

Leliana crossed her arms, mimicking Drea's stance, she frowned for a moment before asking, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I have to," she admitted. Evenly she held Leliana's gaze and spoke slower than before, "At the end of that fight I was struck down. I thought I was dying." Leliana's eyes widened slightly, hearing this for the first time. Drea awkwardly went on in a tone riddled with insecurity, "You know I care you for Lil. I've never met anyone quite like you and…sometimes I would like to…that is I…care for you more than someone who is just a friend. And, as I lay there dying, all I could think is how I've been a fool for not telling you that. In fact, it sickened me that I would leave this world with you never knowing. Even with everything that has happened…every horrible thing I have done…that was my only regret."

"But," Leliana interrupted. Her voice was soft, caught between sympathy and frustration, "why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I didn't know you were leaving. I thought I had time," Drea replied lamely.

"You've had plenty of times to tell me! Like when I told you how I felt, for example," Leliana pushed, her voice raising slightly. "Instead, you said you just wanted to be friends."

Drea uncrossed her arms so she could freely fidget. It was a surprise to see the Warden so uncomfortable - she was always so confident and poised. Still nervously wringing her hands, Drea sighed, "Leliana, this isn't easy for me. I've been taught that this is wrong. When I became old enough to understand the scandalous side of nobility - Arlessa's with close handmaidens, Banns and their favourite soldiers - Father was very clear with how he felt about it. In no uncertain terms, he taught my brother and I that such trysts were unacceptable for us. We are Couslands - the most powerful family in Ferelden next to the King, and because of that he insisted we held ourselves up to a higher set of standards. I…both Fergus and I took this to heart." Finally her rush of words faltered and the dropped her gaze down to her fidgeting hands.

Before Leliana could speak, Drea added, "But it didn't feel wrong. Lil, the times we were on watch together, talking through the night, are my fondest memories. I told you things I never would dream of telling another and was always hungry to hear more of your stories. Even the times when you fell asleep were blissful…just watching you rest brought me peace. It's confusing for me. It goes against everything I was ever taught but…I can't say it's wrong." Her voice grew quieter and less assured until she finally let her words die away. She wasn't sure what she expected from confessing this to Leliana but it was growing increasingly awkward. She didn't think Leliana would leap into her arms, but she was disappointed by the stony look growing on her face.

Taking a slow, deep breath Leliana finally spoke, "Do you have any idea what that did to me? To spend all this time convincing myself that I misread everything? To try and ignore my feelings for you and watch you with Alistair. I…" Leliana's words caught in her throat out of frustration. A dark expression crossed over Leliana's features as a hard realization sunk in. "Alistair," she repeated quietly to herself as she uncrossed her arms. Her eyebrows crinkled as she added, "That's what this is about isn't it? Drea, you know how I feel about you but I know what happened with you and Alistair. I could never be happy knowing I was your second choice"

Her words heavily fell onto Drea. There was a new urgency in her eyes as she reached over to rest her hands on Leliana's, "I know how this looks, I do! But the truth is I could have made it work with Alistair had I wanted to. The dwarves with their noble hunters showed me there is more than one solution to producing an heir. But the closer the day came that I would have to officially agree to be Queen…the more I couldn't deny that my heart belonged to someone else. To you Lil. It belongs to you."

Drea squeezed Leliana's hands tighter as her eyes began to shine with tears, "Maker's breath, Leliana," she spoke deliberately, "You were never my second choice. You were the choice I was afraid to make."

There were no masks, no determined ego, no sense of duty…just a girl standing there with her heart in her hands. Leliana blinked rapidly against the tears that suddenly sprang to her own eyes. These were the words she had always hoped to hear and yet she felt crushed by them. Slowly she closed her eyes as she spoke, unable to watch what her next words would do, "But I still have to go. Marjolaine made it clear that until I return home and confront her, I will never really be free." Her words were spoke quietly, but they burned in Drea's ears.

"Don't go," Drea pleaded, "I can protect you." Leliana's disapproving look made her give up on that thought. "I can go with you. We can face her together," she quickly offered.

Leliana squeezed Drea's hands and took a moment to admire her. Letting go of one hand, she brushed Drea's black hair from her pale face and stared into her dark blue eyes. She truly was a beautiful woman, and Leliana had secretly loved her from the moment she laid eyes on her despite being too afraid to admit it for months. Weakly she smiled, "You know you cannot just walk away; your place is here. You're the Commander of the Grey and have an entire arling depending on…"

Sharply, Drea shook her head and waved Leliana into silence. It was the speech of duty. It was the same speech she had given Alistair only days before and being on the receiving end of it was a bitter pill to swallow. She felt Leliana pull her hand away, and as her hand finally dropped from hers, she felt her hope for happiness receding with it. More stitches broke in her heart.

"And I have to go back to Orlais. One way or another, my place is there until I deal with Marjolaine," Leliana concluded.

Drea's shoulders sagged from the sudden weight. Feeling like a desperate child, she quietly asked, "Do you think you'll ever return?"

"Of course. Well…" Haltingly, Leliana stopped and lightly chewed her lip as all the doubts in her mind forced her into silence. Drea understood, there were too many uncertainties ahead of both of them to make promises.

With that last spark of hope extinguished, Drea's heart was suddenly too heavy for any remaining stitches to continue to hold it together. Both Drea's mother and father had taught her how to mask her emotions, especially when in court. Now, more than ever before, she was grateful for this lesson, for as her heart crumbled in her chest leaving her a broken woman, she merely nodded thoughtfully.

Her stance stiffened as felt the urge to either break down in tears or childishly run from the room. Instead, she rested her hands on Leliana's shoulders and leaned forward to say goodbye. Tenderly pressing her lips to her cheek, she lingered a moment. It was a painful thought that this was the closest she would ever be to her and she desperately wished time would slow down, just this once. She longed to whisper how she loved her, but instead deeply inhaled the faint berry sent wafting from the oils in Leliana's hair. Even as she straightened and stepped back, she knew she missed her chance to say those words…and in fact, she may have missed her chance long before now.

"Then I guess that's that," Drea quietly echoed Alistair's words from several nights before as she offered a regretful and somewhat hollow smile. Lifting her chin, she walked past Leliana to leave the room.

"Wait," Leliana protested, "We can't end it like this." The pain rang clearly in her voice.

Although Drea had regained her composure, she dared not turn around. One more look into Leliana's heartbroken eyes would be her undoing. Pausing, Drea spoke over her shoulder, "We aren't ending anything. I care for you deeply and will always consider you a dear friend. That won't change whether you're here, in Orlais, or anywhere else. Goodbye Lil."

Gritting her teeth against the rush of emotion, Drea strode from the room before her façade cracked as severely as her heart had.

As the door clicked shut behind her, Drea was only mildly surprised to find Arkon devotedly waiting for her in the hall. Others may say he is just a dog, but there was no mistaking the deep concern in his eyes as he stared up at his master. Not breaking her stride, she breezed past him and he quickly turned to follow. May carts lined the hall, all filled with various appetizers and alcohol bottles for quick access for the servers. It was from one of these carts the Drea grabbed a full wine bottle and continued down the hall. Rounding the corner leading away from the main hall, she dropped her hand and patted Akron's head, "You won't leave me right pal?" she asked. He barked in agreement as they moved out of sight.