He'd bought her a plant, promising to water it for her - it'll give me an excuse to visit - and was now leaning on the doorframe, looking round her new office a little sadly. He looked, she thought, like she felt. They'd not be sharing in future, and while she was sure they'd stay friendly, it wouldn't be the same. It was only now, looking at him, that she realized how badly she'd miss it.
She was used working in close quarters with other people. She and Ghost had shared an office from the day she'd graduated Harvard, and she'd benefited hugely from his thoughtful, patient help. She'd never had her own office since - even though she had, officially, been allocated one elsewhere, she and Ghost had only ever used it for teaching or interviewing. They'd simply worked better side-by-side; brainstorming, soothing frustrations, conferring. Her much greater ability prevented that with Zach, but she'd enjoyed the teaching aspect as well as the company. That had been familiar, too. She'd always been a lieutenant, back in the days when Ghost ran his tight little ships. She'd supported many PhD students through their theses, smoothed many a programming tangle, and she'd enjoyed the sense of being part of a chain, each link building on the work of those who'd gone before. She didn't like the idea of running solo. And though it was good, of course, that she was officially regarded as unimpaired, and that she'd be given more interesting work, she was going to find the adjustment hard. And suddenly, as she looked, she realized something else.
He was nice-looking.
Very much so. Brown hair, pale skin, hazel eyes flecked with green. Slim, tall, slightly nervous-looking. Classic programmer, really. But quite undeniably cute. And smart, and fun, and loyal. Even if he wasn't Tom.
She shook herself mentally. Had she seriously just spent a month mooning wistfully over the unattainable office Adonis, along with half the admin team? Jesus Christ. What the hell had gotten into her? In the place ten minutes, and she'd zeroed straight in on a guy she absolutely could not have. A guy so desperately in love with his girlfriend, her losing her mind hadn't changed his. A shrink would have a goddamn field day, if she ever trusted one enough to tell them about it. So much for naturally mature. In fact, from where she stood, it looked a damn sight more like a severe case of arrested development.
What the hell. If she really did want to redux the college years - years she'd spent studying her ass off, in an unhealthily symbiotic relationship with a guy she promptly married - well, there were worse people to do it with than Zach. Fun, smart, kind and cute was a pretty good deal, especially when all you wanted was a little simple fun. And Tom wouldn't have been simple. That would have been serious, given their personalities, and histories, and the strength of the connection. If all she wanted was a casual, rejuvenatory affair, then Zach was actually a damn sight more suitable.
He looked up and saw her watching him, and smiled, a little sadly. "I'm going to miss you," he said.
"You too. I was just thinking that."
"You want to go get a beer, when we finish up here? Final fling?"
"I have a better idea," she said, and smiled into his eyes. "Why don't you come over to my place for something to eat, instead?"
"The Matrix?"
"Yes."
He laughed, a little uncomfortably. "I never had you down for a conspiracy theorist."
"You think it's all bullshit too?"
"Too?" he said. His face was wary.
"Ghost always thought so. He went through it all once; why it was a strategic hoax. He figured it was viral marketing gone feral."
Zach looked at her. "Okay. Level with me."
"What do you mean?"
"That classic Kenz thing doesn't cut it. Not this time. I need more than that on this one."
"I don't understand," she said.
"You did the usual. Throw something out there, then wanna see my hand, while you keep yours hidden. And while I admire your strategic skills - hell, it's always impressed me, how you can do that - it's not happening here. Either you trust me, or you don't."
"I trust you," she said at once. "Would I have raised it if I didn't?"
"But what you're trusting me to do is open up. When you don't, not ever. And while that's cool on, you know, college antics, and emotions, and views on the sandwich fillers in the cafe, on this shit? No. You have to show me yours, if you want to see mine."
She raised an eyebrow. "You not outgrown that yet?" she said dryly.
He grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling, hazel eyes sparkling in sudden amusement. "Oh, now there's an offer."
"Hmm." She looked at him, and was suddenly very aware of how close he was. How tall he was. She'd somehow never twigged before - she'd been too wrapped up in Tom. She made a sudden decision. "Okay then. I'll show you my files."
"Files?" He looked at her. "Kenz, wait. You have files?"
She sighed. "Divorced, obsessive; five years from now I'll be spending all my time IMing Bob from Arkansas. Convinced that the world's run by giant... lizards. Or robot elves. Trust me, I know the script."
He looked at her for a long beat, and then he said softly, "No, you don't understand. You see, I have files, too."
An isolation she'd not even realized she felt suddenly evaporated, leaving her giddy. Yes. Thank God. Finally, someone she liked - respected - agreed with her on this. "You do?" she said.
"Yeah. But some of the data..." he grimaced. "Well, it used to belong to a guy who's not around anymore."
"What do you mean?"
He hesitated, and his fingers began to beat an involuntary tattoo on the edge of the couch. "This Matrix shit, Kenz. It's dangerous. And while I'm not about to get protective on your ass - you'd only kick mine - I do want to check that you understand that. It's important that you do."
"Not around," she said, her voice coolly even. There was no sign of the fact that she was suddenly acutely aware of her own blood, throbbing out a beat in her ears. "You said he wasn't around. Which means - what?"
Zach's face was shadowed by something. Fear, hurt, confusion. It was impossible to tell. "Few months back, he called me. Asked me to head over to his place, said he had something big to tell me. Someone he wanted me to meet. Said it was about the Matrix. And I was about to go, but my Mom called, said Dad had had a heart attack. I had to get to the hospital and then of course they won't let you use cells - I couldn't even get ahold of Rob, to tell him. Dad was okay - indigestion, can you believe that? - so I went round the next day and Rob was just - gone. No sign at all. Apartment just as he'd left it. Roommate shit-scared. Police found no trace, and still haven't. And this was almost a year back, now."
"So what do you think happened?"
"One of three options. Found that Morpheus guy, and his gang, and joined them. Or found them... and they killed him." He was silent for a moment, chewing his lip.
"And the third?"
He looked at her. "Killed himself. He was obsessed, you know. Didn't sleep, hardly bothered with work, never saw anyone except me anymore, and we only talked about this when he did. Broke up with his girlfriend - and okay, she was actually lame, but he'd really liked her for a while there. Just blanked her suddenly, overnight. This Matrix thing - it's like it's addictive. Like some kind of insane game. And Rob isn't the first guy I know who vanished like that, either. He's the second, and Jim was the same - they were both just obsessed."
She was quiet for a moment, and then she looked at him. "Are you?" she said.
"Oh, no," he said at once. "No, you don't. I showed and told. Now you."
She looked down at her hands, then said in a rush, "I am. Completely, and I have to know. Something's wrong, Zach. It's seriously fucked up, and I have to know what. I think this Morpheus guy has answers, or can show me someone who does, and I just... I need to know. I can't explain it, I don't really understand it myself, I just... I know. That the Matrix is what this is about. And it's not some stupid game. It's important. Crucial, even. So if you think that's crazy or just... then, I understand. But," she sighed, held her hands up. "I just wanted to ask."
He looked at her for a moment, his eyes soft. Sympathetic. Then he slowly, silently pulled a disk out of his jacket pocket, and held it out towards her. "Here you go. My files," he said quietly.
She stared at it, and then at him. "You carry them around with you?"
"Yeah." He smiled, a little awkward. "Guess I'm paranoid of having them stolen. They're... too important to risk."
They looked at one another, and a beat passed. Then he leaned across the table, and kissed her, gently and surprisingly tenderly at first, and then it deepened. It felt more natural than she'd somehow expected - and better than kissing Ghost ever had, too.
When they pulled back, he stroked her hair. "God, Kenz," he said. "Is there anything you can't do?"
"Yes," she said seriously. "Relationships. Ask my ex-husband."
"So it'll just be a sex thing, then?" he said, and grinned.
"I don't recall offering you that alternative."
"Hey, I was kidding." He smiled again, affectionate, sincere. "It's okay. I know you're out of my league, I told Tom as much weeks back. C'mon, let's get back to it. Here." He reached for his laptop and slipped in the disk, but she reached over, and put her hand on his, stopping him. The mention of Tom had galvanized her - what had she promised herself? To loosen up, take things more casually, stop fixating on someone she could never have? Well, this was her opportunity. What was she afraid of?
Zach looked up, surprised. "You don't wanna do this?" he said, and glanced back down at the laptop, before meeting her eyes. Then he swallowed hard at the expression in them.
"Not right now," she said, her tone even, her eyes fixed on his. "No."
He shivered slightly, before moving in at the exact same second she did, the laptop lying, abandoned, between them.