Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.

Is it enough to die?

Somebody save me life

I'd rather be

Anything but ordinary, please

Avril Lavigne, 'Anything but Ordinary'

She couldn't stop thinking about Jacob. Why couldn't she stop thinking about Jacob? Was he really so special to her?

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen!"

Jasper's sudden, aggravated bark startled Renesmee immediately out of her dazed state. She searched across her uncle's face for any sign of any annoyed impatience. Which became a moot point, because it was loud and clear all over his expression that he was in no mood for her dilly-dallying. His golden orbs were narrowed in a hard glower, his hands balled into tight fists and planted on his hips.

Her mouth turned in an apologetic smile, shrugging sheepishly at her godfather. "I'm sorry."

His features changed, softening at his niece's silliness, and shook his head in a tired manner. "It doesn't matter to me if you listen or not, Renesmee. If a nomadic newborn ever shows up, Jacob has a whole pack to protect you."

Nessie's smile melted away at Jasper's words, and she remembered. . .

When a newborn vampire intruded on the Quileutes' land, interrupting the packs' bonfire fun. Jacob ordered Leah, Seth, and Embry to form a wall around Renesmee, just in case the blood-hungry strigoi decided to attack her. Despite Nessie's multiple protests, the Alpha's demands prevented them from relenting their defensive barrier. She insisted that she could help; but by the time she employed all of her strength and speed to break through the chain of phased wolves, Jacob and Sam had already killed the newborn.

This alit a rampaging fire that she never knew existed within her soul; how did Jacob truly view Nessie? Was she some princess that needed an army of wolves to shield her from the big, bad vampires to him? Was she a damsel, tied down to train tracks, and he was the nobel hero that rescued at the right instant? She should have felt gratitude toward her ever-knight in shining armor for always watching out for her safety, but she couldn't this time.

Afterward, Nessie returned home, expressing her frustration and hurt; Jacob didn't have any faith in her. The Cullens did their best to calm the emotional half-breed, telling her that the shape-shifters were trained to handle this sort of business. Her hands were not capable of invoking death, or inflicting pain; if the moment came when she would have to do either, her kind heart would cause Renesmee to hesitate and by then, it would be too late.

Of course, what they really meant that Renesmee was too soft—too weak—and she knew it. Everybody believed the half-vampire half-human was the weakest link. From then on, she became determined to prove all of them wrong.

"Yeah?" Renesmee challenged, arising from the log she had been sitting on. "Well, it matters to me. I will not allow Jacob, or anybody else, to treat me like some damsel in distress!"

"Very good," Jasper replied.

He ran to Nessie at full speed in a pretend attack. She leaped on the fallen tree trunk, using her body weight to roll it forward and grasped a low branch, only to have her uncle punch in the stomach. In turn, she fell flat on the forest floor, but used her position to lock her feet around Jasper's ankles, and flipped him over onto his back.

Renesmee never once noticed that Esme and Emmett came by to watch the sparring cession, much too distracted by focusing on attempting to triumph over her godfather—a mistake that would have cost Nessie her life if she battled against a plethora of enemies.

Jasper got up quickly, yanking harshly on his goddaughter's copper mane, and chucked her at a boulder. Esme gasped her concern, but Emmett assured his vampire mother that Nessie could handle it.

"Ugh," Nessie groaned, pain etching in her knees as they wobbled to at least stand.

Jasper didn't leave her much time to recover when he charged again at the hybrid. This time, she dodged him by merely running away—her best defensive maneuver—because vast speed was an asset she inherited from Edward.

"Coward," Jasper muttered under his breath.

She knew what he was trying to do—reel her back toward him by forcing her emotions to fog her better judgment. It was a clever trick on the empath's part, especially since it worked.

"I am not!" Renesmee bellowed, twisting her body to face him.

She extended her arms, projecting images of a black forest into his mind meant to perplex Jasper. It would work for only a few seconds, and took those few seconds to pounce on him like a jungle cat, and kicked him mercilessly in the chest. Jasper grasped her ankles in a vice grip, and made her plomp back to the ground.

He pinned Nessie down roughly, who was now struggling like a frantic gazelle beneath its dangerous predator. Renesmee dug her nails into Jasper's skin—or at least tried to, but a vampire's flesh couldn't easily be penetrated.

"You have to stop thinking with your gut! Think with your head!" Jasper commanded.

But a newborn vampire would have decapitated her by now, or gone for the jugular.

Red fury stung at Renesmee's milk-chocolate irises, her eyes blinded. Her legs trembled, her arms ached, and her whole body might have bruised if it weren't for Jasper actually taking it easy on her. That fact alone filled her pride to the brim with sorrow.

In the blink of an eye, Uncle Emmett was pulling Jasper away and Grandma Esme was cradling Renesmee in her arms, rocking her as if she were a wailing infant.

"No," Nessie coughed, shaking her head. "I don't need the two of you to help me. . . Stop it!"

"Renesmee," Esme murmured, "you're too emotional at the moment, alright? Settle down."

"I'm fine!" Nessie snapped, getting up from the ground.

"That's enough, Nessie," Emmett cautioned. His characteristically happy go-lucky tone transformed to an authoritative one. "Esme is only trying to help you."

She ignored him, and looked at Jasper. "I want to try again."

"No, you need to relax," Jasper said. "You're done for the day."

"But, Uncle Jasper-"

"I said, 'no,' Nessie!" he snarled—not because his patience flared uncontrollably, but hers.

The halfling wanted to burst out into tears, but held back. She waited to speak again, counting to ten.

"I want to show you I can do this the right way, Jasper."

"I know," he answered with a sigh. "You're still young, too filled with impulse. You must use your head to win a fight."

Too young. . .

Too slow. . .

Too emotional. . .

Too weak!

Why was every person around her life much older, much quicker, much more mature, and much stronger?

"Renesmee," Jasper started, "there's not much I can do for you. You're not ready to learn yet."

"Yes, I promise you I am!" she declared powerfully, stomping her foot. " I am, Jasper. You have to believe me."

"No, I'm sorry, you are not. You're not ready," Jasper retorted.

"Fine, whatever," Nessie said, feeling the empath's ability forcing her submission. It was unfair, and she tried to fight against it.

What was wrong with her? Why did Jasper have to cheat Nessie out of her own feelings and be right at the same time? Why couldn't she just be ready? She wanted so much to be ready.

"Nessie, why don't you come over for lunch?" Esme offered.

There would be no point. Vampires don't even eat.

"I'm not really that hungry," Renesmee replied truthfully. "I want to go home."

"But, baby girl, that is home, remember? With us."

Nessie instantly felt guilty for hurting her grandmother's feelings. The monster in her retracted its claws, and the affectionate girl returned. "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry! It's just I'm not up to eating right now. Maybe later."

Esme smiled and nodded. "Whenever you're ready, sweetheart."

She inwardly flinched at that word. That's if I'll ever be ready, Esme, to be anything more than what I am. A lousy breed with human emotions and a human heart. Human weakness.