I own nothing Twlight.

Chapter 9 - Drugs or Me

Thanksgiving shows up before I realize it. Somehow, the air had grown bitter and the leaves had all died seemingly over night. Nothing seems real, everything blending together in one long haze of hours and days and weeks. No one seems to notice that I'm slowly disappearing more and more, their focus on the holidays, on presents and cheer.

"Bella? Hello?" a hand waves in front of my face.

"Huh?" I respond, my focus on the lights of the radio.

Jacob just laughs, thinking I'm just tired from the stress of exams at school.

"You are so out of it," he says, his eyes on the road before us. "It's a good thing school is out, you can finally catch up on sleep."

I nod, my head resting against the window. Everything seems to be moving so slow and so fast all at once. I think back to yesterday at school.

Victoria and I always met in the same bathroom, having long figured out that teachers never venture in here. She's sitting on the same sink she always is when I walk in. Over the past month and a half, we had formed some type of weird, quiet friendship in which we don't acknowledge each other outside of this space.

"Swan," she said, a cigarette dangling carelessly from her lips. "Did you kiss some pavement?"

I shrugged, not providing a response. That was the good thing about Victoria, she would never really care enough to go too in depth with her questions. Instead just skimming the surface.

I walked up to the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror. The girl that stared back at me was unrecognizable. Her hair was limp, her eyes were sunken in and covered in dark circles, her cheeks hollowed. Her lip was swollen from being slammed up against a wall just days earlier.

That wasn't the worst part, the worst was carefully hidden under layers and layers of cloth. The holidays were particularly hard on Billy Black, reminding him deeply of his wife, causing him to drink even more. Causing him to become more enraged with Jacob. Which, in turn, caused Jacob to get more enraged with me. For every shout Jacob received, I would receive the physical equivalent.

I didn't even bother looking at my body in the mirror anymore after getting out of the shower. There was no skin left that was unmarked.

"Here," Victoria said, handing me what she knew I came to her for.

It was a Ziploc bag filled with small pills. My freedom. The OxyContin had become my only source of comfort, the only light in a very dark room.

"Thanks," I took the bag, handing her a wad of cash.

Another couple hundred dollars I had taken from my college fund without my parents' knowledge. It didn't really matter. I wasn't going to live to see college anyway.

Jacob drops me off at the bookstore before continuing on to Newton's Sporting Outfitters. I grab a black coffee at the little café attached to the store and take a seat in the back, hoping not to draw any attention to myself.

I flip through a magazine, not really reading anything on the pages. My concentration so unsteady that I can't focus on one thing for more than a few seconds at a time. I take a couple sips of my coffee, just to have something in my stomach. I suddenly remember I haven't eaten since the Pop-Tart I had for breakfast yesterday morning.

"Just humor me? Okay, son," I hear a woman's voice say from the other side of the bookcase next to me.

I put my head farther down, hoping not to spotted. Forks is a small town and I more than likely know the people on the other side of the shelf. I'm proven right when Esme Cullen steps around the corner, looking like she just emerged from the pages of Vogue.

"They said they had it in stock, it's got to be here somewhere," she's saying to someone still not in view.

I know before he shows himself who it will be. I can sense his presence, before he walks into a classroom or the lunchroom or some shitty bookstore in the middle of some shitty town. He doesn't see me, instead his eyes are scanning the books.

The last time we had spoke, it was the day of the Death Cab concert.

I arrived at the Cullen house to pick up Alice, who was coming with me up to Seattle. I stood in her room as she ran around, trying to find something to wear. I had resigned myself to my standard jeans and hoodie combo, refusing her attempts to make me look "cute." I learned my lesson the last time I let her dress me.

"What do you think of this one?" she asked, spinning around in a black dress.

"Alice, we're going to a concert, not a fashion show," I joked, laughing at her as she continued to spin.

"I know, but I have to look good. You never know who you'll run into," she winked at me, going back into her closet.

I sat on her bed, hugging one of her pillows to my chest. After my run-in with Edward on Monday, I had decided that OxyContin was not the drug for me. Even if it did make the hurt stop, it was too dangerous to be left that vulnerable to other people. I was too afraid I would slip and accidentally say something to someone that I shouldn't.

"Hey ladies," Emmett appeared in the doorway, a huge grin on his face. "You ready?"

I looked at him, confused.

"I'm driving you guys up to Seattle," he responded. "Edward and I want to check out the scene up there, plus dad all but threatened us. He doesn't want Alice in the city alone."

I had been to Seattle more times than I could count and a dangerous city, it was not. I don't say this, I just nod. It's sweet that Carlisle worries about Alice like that.

"Okay, I think I found it," Alice walked out of the closet in a much more sensible jeans/t-shirt outfit. "What do you think?"

"Perfect," I smiled at her.

"Yes, perfect. Now lets go!" Emmett said, leaving the room. "Edward! Get your ass down here!"

I could hear him bounding his way up to the third floor where Edward's bedroom was located. I had never been up to that level of the house, the entire floor belonged to Edward and from what I understood, no one aside from him ever went up there.

"You don't mind that Emmett and Edward are coming too, do you?" she asked, slipping her jacket on.

I did mind. Even if he was off somewhere in the middle of the woods, I was almost positive Jacob would somehow know.

"Of course not," I responded.

We loaded into Emmett's Jeep, Alice and I taking the backseat. Edward had yet to look at me or acknowledge my existence.

"So what is this band you're going to see? Taxi Cab?" Emmett asked as he turned onto the highway leading to Seattle.

"Death Cab for Cutie," Edward answered before I could get the words out.

"Never heard of them," he said. "What kind of music is it?"

"Alternative emo," I said, looking out the window.

"And Alice listens to this?" Emmett laughed. "I didn't think she had any albums that weren't Lady Gaga or Britney Spears."

"Well, I don't actually listen to the band. I'm more here for moral support," she replied, before reaching up to smack Emmett on the back of the head. "And I do not listen to Lady Gaga."

Emmett just rubbed the place where she had hit, acting like it hurt more than it did before saying, "That sounds more like something Edward would listen to."

I turned my head, looking over at Edward. I wasn't aware that we had the same taste in music, instead figuring him for a heavy metal-type.

"Yeah, he played me one of their songs on his guitar last night," Alice said, my eyes still staring at the back of Edward's head.

"You play the guitar?" I heard myself asking.

"Edward is a one-man band, he can play guitar, piano," Alice beamed, clearly proud of her brother's accomplishments.

"It's nothing," Edward said, still refusing to look at me.

"Do you really like Taxi Cab for Cutie," Alice asked, ignoring his modesty.

"Death Cab and yeah, they're pretty good," his voice gave nothing away. No excitement or interest.

Alice looked at me, as if silently asking me a question. I furrowed my brow, not sure what was going through her head. She silently pointed from Edward to herself and mouthed the words, "switch?"

It took me a second to realize what she was saying and before I could reply she was already speaking.

"I have an idea," she winked at me. "Why don't you take my ticket, Edward? Since you actually know the band. Emmett and I can find something to do for a few hours."

"You mean I have to willingly spend time with you?" Emmett groaned.

It's then that Edward finally turned toward me, looking back at the two of us, his eyes still avoiding mine. I wanted to ask him what about me he found so repulsive that he couldn't even look at me.

"No, that's okay," he said, looking at Alice.

Good. I didn't want you to come anyway.

"Shut up, Edward," she replied. "I know you like them, just do it."

Edward finally looked at me, as if to ask "is this okay?" I wanted to say no. I wanted to say that if Jacob found out, I was afraid he would go crazy and this time I might not come out of it with just a couple bruises.

"You can come," I found myself saying.

He continued to look unsure, as if he was expecting me to suddenly change my mind. He ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up. Naturally, it only made him look more attractive.

"Okay," he said at last.

The concert was at a small venue in downtown Seattle. Alice and Emmett had dropped us off out front, telling us they'd be back in a few hours and then heading over to Pike Place Market. We awkwardly made our way into the venue, neither one of us speaking. I handed the door guy our tickets and we were ushered inside. It was crowded, the concert having sold out.

"You want a drink?" Edward asked, pointing towards the bar at the back of the room.

"Sure," I answered. "Just get me whatever, I'll save our place here."

My stomach was turning, I knew that Jacob would find out about this one way or another. He always did. And what was worse was that I did nothing to stop it, when I knew better. It was like I was some kind of masochist, that I got off on the pain.

"I got us beer," Edward appeared to my left, holding out a cup.

I'm about to ask him how he got beer when I remembered that he had a fake ID. I reached into my pocket to grab some money, but he stops me.

"Don't worry about it," he waved his hand dismissively. "I owe you for the ticket anyway."

I wondered what Jacob would think, knowing that Edward had used the ticket that he had purchased. I could almost feel the impact of the hit I would receive.

It was about halfway through the set, the band in the midst of 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark', when I chanced a glance over at Edward. The room was dark, all the lights being focused on the band. I could still make out his profile, as he sang along silently to the lyrics. He was so beautiful to look at that it almost hurt. I wondered what Tanya would say if she knew I was at a concert with him, she'd probably have my head.

I wanted to ask him why he hated me as much as he did. I knew I wasn't anything special-not talented, not pretty, not worth anyone's attention. I was lucky to have Jacob, a fact that Jacob wasn't shy about reminding me of. I didn't deserve a guy like Edward or a guy like Emmett. I knew that with Jacob, I was getting everything I deserved and there was comfort in that.

As if sensing my gaze on him, Edward turned to look at me. He wasn't smiling, but he wasn't scowling either. We seemed to like a lot of the same things and, I imagine, in a different life, we could've been good friends.

Our eyes were locked, neither of us looking away as the band played on. I saw him momentarily look down at the bruise that was still prominent on my cheek, causing me to look down in shame. I stared down at my feet, my face burning with embarrassment that I was as weak as I was. That the evidence of my weakness was so clear on my face.

I suddenly felt his fingers under my chin, gently lifting up my face to look at his. His eyes were so clear, so green, full of an expression I couldn't name.

"Hey," he mouthed to me, his voice inaudible over the sound of the music.

I felt a sudden surge of panic come over me. This wasn't right, he shouldn't be touching me like that or looking at me like that.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I yelled over the noise.

I turned and shoved my way through the crowd, not looking back. I made it to the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water. There was no one else in here with me and I was grateful for the few moments of silence. The mirror reflected back a girl I barely knew, but the fear in her eyes was all too familiar. I just wanted to enjoy the concert, just wanted to have this one night of freedom.

It was then that I remembered the pills in my purse, the OxyContin Victoria has provided me with as a gift. I just needed something to help me relax, something to get me through the rest of this night without incident. I pulled out one of the tablets, staring at it as I did. Who knew freedom could come in such a small package.

"This is the last time," I told myself as I swallowed the pill, using water from the sink to help wash it down.

When I exited the bathroom, Edward was leaning against the wall just outside. For a second I thought that maybe he somehow saw me take the pill, but the smile on his face calms me.

"You okay?" he asked, very un-Edward-like.

I just nodded my head, brushing it off as misplaced concern for Alice once again. I started to walk passed him to go back out to the show, but he grabbed my hand holding me in place. It wasn't a threatening grab, it wasn't the grab Jacob used on me. It was gentle and soft.

"Bella," he said to me, my eyes on the stage in the room before me. "Hey, look at me."

I reluctantly turned to face him, unsure of where he was going with all of this. His eyes searched my face, as if he was looking for an answer to a question he never asked.

His attention was too dangerous, why didn't he realize that?

His mouth opened slightly, as if the words were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't get them out. His hand came up to my face, his thumb ran over my cheek, tracing the bruise. His eyes were pained, like he was personally feeling the hit that had caused it.

"Tell me what you're hiding," he whispered.

I suddenly couldn't breathe, the air feeling as though it was being sucked out of the room. Everything was spinning and I had to close my eyes just to keep my balance.

"Don't you understand?" I whispered back, slowly opening my eyes. "I'm nothing. I'm no one."

I had left him standing there in that club, the music still playing. I had taken a cab all the way back to Forks, much to my parents' dismay-it was a costly fare. I feigned being ill, saying that I had insisted the others stay back. I promised to repay my parents for the cab.

I ignored Alice's phone calls. I avoided her at school. It took a while, but she finally gave up. Edward just looked at me like I had punched him in the gut, which made no sense to me. Alice deserved a better friend, he should be happy that I was letting her go. Now he wouldn't have to worry about Jacob hurting his sister, I would take all the hits for her.

Jacob was happy with this development, saying it would give us even more time to spend together. We don't need anyone else, he had said. We're enough for each other.

"Bella?" I hear my name being called.

It feels like someone is always demanding my attention.

This time it's Esme Cullen, who appears to have spotted me crouched down in my chair.

"Hello," I wonder how fake the smile on my face looks.

She claps her hands together, excited to see me. I wonder what story Alice told her, why I never come around anymore. Edward turns his back to us.

"Sweetie, how are you? We haven't seen you in so long," she smiles, her face so bright.

"I've been really busy with school," I answer, suddenly fully aware of my appearance.

I've been working so hard to make myself as unnoticeable as possible, my clothes have begun to overtake me. I wonder if she thinks my parents are starving me or if I have an eating disorder. What would she do if she knew that I'm so sick to my stomach with fear all of the time, the thought of food makes me want to vomit.

"Edward, don't be rude," she nudges him. "Say hi."

He turns to look at me and he's as perfect as ever. The cold from outside giving a rosy tint to his cheeks. His winter jacket somehow managing to look sleek and stylish. My own makes me look like a giant marshmallow.

"You kids catch up, I'm going to go ask if they have the cookbook I'm looking for," she pushes Edward towards me and walks off to the information desk.

There's about a full sixty seconds of silence before he says, "You look like shit."

I just stare at him, dull listless eyes. I can't work up the energy to get mad or even offended at his words. It's true, after all.

He keeps looking at me, waiting for a reaction. I have nothing to give him.

"Are you alive in there?" he asks, crouching down so that we're eye level.

"Barely," I reply, gathering up my things as I stand up.

He rises, sticking his hands in his pockets. His eyes follow me as I put my coat on, zipping it up as high as it can go. The whole motion exhausts me, I need to hold onto the table to steady myself. When I feel confident enough, I let go and make my around Edward, who hasn't taken his eyes off me the entire time.

"I wish that you could see this face in front of me," he says suddenly.

He's quoting a lyric, I immediately recognize.

"You're so blind," I respond. "You can't save me this time."

Thank you for the feedback, please let me know what you think of this chapter.