*Disclaimer - Sadly, I own nothing of Twilight with the exception of merchandise, bought and paid for. I do, however, own my love for borrowing the characters and playing with them however I choose to. I thank Stephenie Meyer for creating the TwiWorld and for allowing us to have our fun with it. She owns Twilight, the insanity it created in my mind is my own.

*squishes* to Shug for beta reading, and encouragement. :) Thanks to all for kind words, and patience!

Whatever Works

The Amazing Stick Bug

"Mind if I turn the TV on?" Esme asked. I had just helped her out of her bath, but she wasn't ready to retire for the night.

"Of course not. I'm going to go get changed for bed. I'll be right back." My first days here had been enjoyable – not at all what I expected – but really enjoyable. I had missed having friendships more than I thought, and these ladies were the perfect group to bring me back to a social world. I smiled at Esme when I returned and sat on the couch next to her chair.

"Entertainment news," she announced as she glued her eyes to the screen and turned up the volume. 'And of course, no premiere is complete without the appearance of local heart throb Edward Masen! No ladies, he's not in this one, but he did rock the casual chic look all the same…'

I gawked at the TV while Esme muted it. "That… that's Edward! Your Edward!"

Esme chuckled. "Yes, that's my boy. Casual chic… good lord! The boy goes out looking like a bum and they call it casual chic. No wonder his ego can fill this house at times!"

I heard her words; heard the soft chastising without ill-intent in her tone, but I was stuck on the image of Edward on TV. On the news! Entertainment news, but still… "I… he… Did they call him Masen?" That stood out. I had gone over my contracts late the previous night after re-reading Dr Banner's notes, and he had definitely signed them as Edward Cullen.

"They did." Esme sighed and a little frown line appeared between her eyes. I didn't question her further on that since it seemed to be a sore subject.

"How… what… Esme? What exactly does Edward do?"

She turned to me with a look of astonishment. Or maybe disbelief. "You honestly don't know?"

I shook my head. She had to see I was completely in the dark on this… but the woman on the TV had said he wasn't in that movie… "Is he an actor?"

A sound of disbelief came from Esme. "A very good one, at times; yet other times, utterly transparent. Yes, he's an actor."

"Oh, my god!" I suddenly felt less comfortable in his house. Clearly, it was his house and not his parents' as I'd assumed. That's why all the restrictions and directives had been issued.

"Bella, forgive me, I do have a disadvantage because he is my son and I think the world revolves around him, but as Sue so eloquently pointed out earlier… he's… popular with girls… women… some men, too." She rolled her eyes and then buried her forehead in her hands. "How on earth could you not have known?"

Shit. Oh shit… she thought I was lying! I shook my head. "I don't… I don't know! I don't watch TV since my dad… I didn't even have one in my apartment. I… I just haven't... I didn't know. I had no idea…" All the while I stuttered and stammered, I prayed for her to believe me. After the discussion about Miss Thing Jessica, I didn't want them thinking I was after something from him as well.

"Unbelievable," Esme muttered and then reached over to lift my chin, making direct eye contact. "Not that I disbelieve you dear. I simply thought there was no female in existence that didn't know of my son." A laugh escaped her. "He will be so thrilled!"

Sarcasm? I chewed on my lip as I thought of her ego comment. Of course it was sarcasm. He thought everyone lusted after him. Dandy, as Dad would have said. Just fine and dandy. With this revelation, all hope of having a relaxed and friendly environment that felt like a home was shattered. I would constantly be on edge, worrying if he thought I was a fame whore or thinking that I should be fluffing his ego and really… could I do that? I somehow doubted I could be his fluffer in any way. No. I worked for Esme – even though technically, since he hired me, I worked for him – NO! No fluffing. I could not fluff. Not for him, not for anyone. No. Fluffing.

And possibly no job.

Just. Fine. And. Dandy.

~ 0 ~

Esme let me talk her into beginning massage therapy on her legs at the end of the week. At least it was a start. She was heavily scarred, but her muscle tone was decent considering the extent of her injuries. We ended up having the discussion I dreaded: the story of my father.

"Forgive us dear, but my son and I were discussing you – before you were hired, of course – and he told me you lost your father."

I paused her massage only briefly. "Yes. He had a heart attack. Major. They couldn't revive him. It was quite a shock because he had been through so much – I didn't think he'd go that easily. Charlie was a stubborn man." I gave a polite smile. This wasn't my favourite topic, but I didn't want Esme to feel bad about bringing it up. Better to get it over with.

"I understood he had been unwell for years…"

I nodded and switched to her left leg. "Spinal cord injury. He was shot on duty – policeman. That's what I meant when I said he shouldn't have given in to a heart attack… or maybe that's why he did. He hated his physical restrictions. Maybe he just didn't want to deal with being paralyzed anymore."

Esme sat herself up and reached for my hand. "Maybe he didn't want to put you through it any longer, as well. It's difficult for a parent with all their wits about them to have their child take care of them. I see what it does to Edward, and he's not solely responsible for me, as you were with Charlie."

"I didn't mind," I responded honestly. "He's my dad. He would have done the same for me without question. And your son seems to be coping just fine." It didn't look to me as if losing his father and having his mother crippled affected him in any major way. He still carried on with celebrity life.

Esme snickered and shook her head. "Well, as I said, Edward can be an incredibly good actor."

"Outside of work as well?" I asked with amusement.

She nodded with a knowing grin. "Frequently. Always has. He can fool me long distance, occasionally, but I always know what's an act when he's in front of me. That's why he gets pissy sometimes – he knows that I know, but it's not like he can send me away in this condition."

Send her away? Would he do that? "Oh Esme, I'm sure he doesn't want that!" It wouldn't do her emotional healing any good to think that her own son didn't want her around.

Esme blinked away tears and put on an agreeable face. Mother can act as well… "I don't really think so at this point. But believe me, there have been times when he couldn't get far enough away. Now, will you be a dear and help me dress? Edward will be home soon. I'm anxious to see him!"

~ 0 ~

I made myself scarce when he returned and came in to see his mother. Our discussion had left me wondering if Esme was giving too much credit to her son; sure, he was paying me well to look after her, but he wasn't exactly availing himself at all. He could spend more time at home with her and less time partying. Even Sue and Emily had said he was never home in the evenings. Of course, I had no idea what his schedule was like. What do actors do daily? Did he film every day? I'd discovered that he was on a popular TV show, but that didn't give me any concept of how much work it involved. It just seemed like he avoided being with his mother for any length of time. It irritated me to see her get so anxious over what would most likely be a fly-by visit. Pissy little brat.

Aside from that, I wasn't ready to face Celebrity Edward Masen. I didn't know if I ever could again. Now that I knew, I saw him pictured or mentioned in every magazine around the house. He really got around, apparently. This was good, right? If he had all these women, he didn't need a fluffer at home too… right? I knew I was bordering on obsessing over an attractive but seriously spoiled grown brat, so I used the door to the garden from my room and escaped to go have a swim. Emily had said she would be taking advantage of it and I could join her. That would get my mind off living with a celebrity.

I hesitated as I neared the pool area and heard voices – male voices – and then Emily's voice calling out to me. Dammit! She'd seen me, and I'd have to go… I gave a little wave as I kicked my sandals off and laid my towel on an empty chair. At least Mike wasn't out here. He was a little too friendly, and it unnerved me. "You know Sam," Emily beamed as she snuggled up to him. Interesting…

"Hey Sam," I smiled up at him. He looked even larger half naked. Uh… yeah.

"And this is…" Emily's words were cut off as another large male streaked by and grabbed her as he dove into the pool with her in his arms. Surfacing, she sputtered and slapped the laughing beast of a man. "This is my stupid kid brother! Jake, this is Bella. Though I shouldn't even introduce you after that stunt!" She gave him a few more slaps for good measure. They would have hurt anyone else, particularly being wet, but he just laughed harder before he climbed out.

He extended a dripping hand to me. "Bella, nice to meet you. Though we have kinda met… at the interview?"

Huh? OH! "Right! You were with Edward!" He was one of the huge, unnamed men around Edward at all times. A little overkill if you ask me… self-important much, Edward? I muffled my snort with a fake cough. "You and Sam… now I recognize you."

He gave me a sideways smirk. "We had clothes on that day." I was pretty aware that they'd had clothes on, and now had a lack of clothes, and I was also really aware of the times I'd been mocked at the pool in high school for looking like a stick bug in swimwear. Sure, I had developed some curves since then, but those taunts stayed with me. It wasn't like they were ever countered by glowing compliments of my slim figure. And here I was, facing a boy who obviously had never suffered self-esteem issues over his own physique.

I felt my cheeks redden, and I looked down from his teasing grin. That didn't work either – I was then faced with his incredibly toned pecs. "I… uh, I'm going to get in." I didn't wait for a response, nor did I take a test dip with my toes as I would normally have done. Instead, Bella Swan cannonballed. And Bella Swan swallowed half of a salt water pool and proceeded to choke and gag, and then Bella Swan was hauled out of the pool by a giant male – I was King Kong's Fay Wray – and laid out on the patio for all to gawk at.

It was then that Edward decided to join us. I spotted his face among the five others that hovered over me. Yes, five faces – six including his famous puss – all gawking at the amazing drowned stick bug.

"Should we move her?" I didn't recognize the voice.

"I think she needs mouth-to-mouth." I was sure that was Mike.

"Water…"

"She had enough water dickwad! Use your head!"

"Right. Should we call an ambulance?"

"NO!" Five voices chimed in on that one. Would have been six if I could have issued my own vote.

"Guys, move back! She needs air!" Emily. I squeezed my eyes shut as a sob came out. And then another because the first one hurt. It really freakin' burned! Emily lifted my head into her lap and smoothed my hair as I sobbed against her. "Can we get some towels? Anyone? You're all standing there like buffoons… she's shivering! Get some towels!"

My heroine.

I felt a towel being draped over my shoulders and another one laid out down the length of me. A hand on my shoulder, a large one, rubbed me astonishingly gentle for its size. "I'm gonna bring her inside."

The next thing I knew, I was being hoisted and carried by the third unnamed man who was glued to Edward that day of the interview, who was still unnamed to me. Could it get any worse? Oh wait…

"What happened to her?"

"Just get out of the way, Jessica," Emily barked.

"You're dripping on my floor!" God, she could whine.

"I believe it's my floor." Gah! Edward, putting her in her place. Yes! "Take her into my office. I don't want my mother seeing her this way."

I was set down on a couch in a different room than what I'd thought was his office. This wasn't the room I had signed my last papers in. The gentle giant who had carried me effortlessly smiled down at me. "Hi. I can honestly say that you've exceeded all expectations of an awesome intro. Well played. I'm Emmett."

"Hey," I choked out, willing myself to just die already. The same six faces were now hovering over me inside, and I was now a shaking stick bug on display.

"Emily, could you ask your mom to make some tea?" Edward asked softly. "Guys, let's give her some room, okay? I think she's all right now." I saw him reaching into a cupboard above me. He had really long arms. And a nice belly… his shirt was lifted with his stretch, and it was right there. It wasn't like I was trying to get a peek. It was then that I recalled Sue's comment about powdering his ass, and a fit of hysterical giggles overtook me. Edward looked frightened as my body shook with laughter. Tentatively, he spread a quilt over me and removed the wet towels after I was covered. I heard them hit the floor in with a wet slap and that started my giggles anew. I always laughed in times of extreme tension.

What is wrong with me? I made several attempts to get myself under control and was pretty much there by the time Emily returned with a cup of hot tea. Edward and Emmett helped me sit up, and Emily braced the cup against my mouth as I sipped. Tea was not such a great idea – I had to pee. But it was warm, and I needed warm. I was still shaking too hard to manage to hold onto it myself. At least I had stopped giggling. Edward now looked concerned more than frightened. Emily looked sympathetic and told the other guys to "Get lost!"

Only Emmett stayed behind with Edward. He was still smiling at me… I couldn't tell if it was a 'look at this idiot!' smile or a 'poor drowned stick bug' smile, but I couldn't look away from it. It calmed me. My body still didn't get the message that I was calming – it continued to quake uncontrollably. "Ah, fuck it," Emmett muttered as he squeezed around Emily to sit beside me on the couch. His massive arms wrapped me and pulled me towards his chest. Warm. And hard. And sweet. He was incredibly gentle, and his whispers against my hair felt reassuring, not patronizing. I was thankful it was him and not Mike… Mike, I thought, would cop a feel. And I'd have to hit him.

"Are you better now Bella?" Emily had dropped down to her knees, still holding my tea for me. "Do you need anything?"

"I need to pee, actually. Like, really badly." There. It was out, and I couldn't take it back. I felt Emmett's chest tremor with a soft laugh.

Emily smacked him just as she had her brother in the pool. "Come on. I'll help you to the bathroom."

I did the legs-pressed-together pee walk across the room with as much dignity as I could muster, but I picked up my pace the minute I spotted my destination. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Have you ever had those pees that just feel so good to get out that you actually sigh? Well, yeah. I had one and actually sighed, with much laughter from my audience of three on the other side of the door.

Giving much consideration to an escape through the window, I opted not to place myself in another embarrassing situation. I envisioned getting stuck halfway through and my bikini may or may not have been left behind. So I sucked it up and opened the door. Emily was holding a shirt out for me. The laughter had ceased. I slipped my arms in the sleeves and padded back towards Edward and Emmett and my tea that I really, really wanted now that I'd taken care of business. I sat on the quilt, and Edward quickly got another to drape over my lap.

"I'm better now, thanks," I uttered shyly. "Sorry for the state of emergency. And your couch… it's soaked! I've ruined your couch… settee… couch… whatever."

Edward wore an expression similar to the one he'd had all throughout… I was an idiot. Out of place. A nuisance. It was unreadable, really, but I knew what he was thinking. "Don't worry about the furniture. Do you want to stay here for a while or go back to your own room?"

I was on my feet in a flash. "My room… which is still your room, technically… that I'm using…" Shut UP! Fuck! Why did I have to find out he was famous? And why couldn't I just act like I didn't know and be myself? And why did it even matter? So he was a celebrity… he was still just another person who got pissy and sullen and sometimes acted concerned… was he acting now? Before I could think further, the cup was out of my hand and I was being swooped up into Emmett's arms once more. "Um… this isn't necessary."

He smiled. Edward chuckled. "Amuse him. He likes carrying people, and I won't let him pick me up anymore."

"Not so much these days, huh?" Emmett retorted with his own deep laugh. He moved swiftly and gracefully. I didn't even feel jostled in his arms. "Bella here had a tiny mishap at the pool," he explained when Esme gasped at the sight of us.

"I'm fine," I assured her. "He insisted…"

"As Emmett would. Thank you for taking care of my Bella." Her warm smile was meant for the giant who still held me. "Maybe you could put her down in her room, dear?"

Emily joined Edward in telling his mother an abridged version of what had happened. They sugar-coated it. Once Esme was satisfied that it wasn't a serious mishap, Emily came in to see me. "Bella, you're probably exhausted from the ordeal. If you're all right, I'm going to take Esme back to my place. Mom and I will look after her tonight. Or I can come back and stay with you."

"No! Emily, I'm fine. Really. I don't want to cause any more trouble to anyone than I already have!"

"It's no trouble Bella." Emily sat on the edge of my bed and reached for the pen and pad of paper on the nightstand. "I'm leaving our phone number. If you need anything, or you don't feel well or you just want some company, call."