Edward, Chapter 2

The fresh air and rain provided welcome relief. I thought at first that I would sit in my car, but going into the garage meant additional smells of exhaust and gasoline, and I was hanging on to clean air as if it was a lifeline. I wanted to pull myself together so that I could see Carlisle as soon as possible.

Fortunately, his office was in a corner of the hospital far away from the pharmacy, near the emergency room. He heard me, of course, before I walked through the door.

"Carlisle, I need to talk with you, please."

"Edward?" His calm demeanor changed to one of great concern as he saw my face. "What is it? What's happened?"

I sighed deeply. "Have you ever...Has the scent of any particular human ever been especially hard for you to resist?"

Carlisle's eyes widened in alarm. "Edward, did you –"

"No. Not now, at least. We have a new employee in the pharmacy today – Bella Swan - and when she walked in, I almost lost everything. Carlisle, I nearly took her right there, and killed everyone else in the process," I said, my voice shaking.

"But you didn't."

"No. I managed to hold on until it was time to leave. I went outside for air and then came right here to see you."

"I'm glad you did. I'm proud of you for resisting." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I see how difficult this is for you."

"I don't think I've ever experienced anything like this. After all this time of believing I've developed a good immunity to human scent, I find this enormous...challenge right here where I work." I shook my head in disbelief.

Carlisle was silent for a moment. "I know you're upset and this is all fresh in your mind and your senses right now, but have you had the chance to consider what you want to do next?"

"I think I need to leave."

Sadness washed over my father's features. "For how long?"

"I don't know." I couldn't just quit my job at the hospital. It would be very unfair to Larry if I didn't at least provide some reasonable notice.

"Where will you go?"

"I'm not sure of that, either. Maybe up to Alaska to visit the Denali clan, or east to Idaho. I might camp in the woods."

"It's that bad, that you have to leave?" he asked.

"Yes, it is. It's not only her" – I almost spat out the word, so great was my frustration – "it's being so close to losing control. It's been so long since that's happened, and even then, the attraction was never this strong." I looked up at him. "If I hadn't had the discipline of our lifestyle all this time, I'm sure I would have given in. But I can't be certain how long my willpower will hold out."

"I don't want to minimize your discomfort. Perhaps the best thing is to get out of Forks for awhile," he said, and I could hear in his thoughts that he knew this would also be best for the young woman. "When are you scheduled to work another shift?"

"Not until the weekend. But Larry also asked me to fill in a couple of days next week while Janice goes out of town." The very thought of that – eight hours in the same room with Bella Swan – made me agonize about the situation all over again. Though brief, the memory of her scent was vivid enough to start the pain flaring in my throat once more. How would I endure it? Would I last? Would she?

"Well, that gives you the rest of the week, at least. Take the time and go where you need to. I know you can manage this. I believe you'll find a way," Carlisle said. My father's faith in me was unshakeable. I hoped I would live up to it. I was grateful that I could read his thoughts but that he could not read mine. I was incredibly ashamed at the humiliation I felt over all of this. I wanted my father to think that the only reason I'd leave town is because the life of a young woman, and not my pride, was at stake.

"Thank you, Carlisle." I managed to smile at him gratefully. "I'll try to explain this to the rest of the family. What time are you expected home today?"

"Around five, I think. We can all talk, if you wish."

"I'd like that. You can help them understand."

I walked to my Volvo to drive back to the house. Before my conversation with Carlisle ended, I'd already decided to wait until everyone was at home before I packed up and left. I especially wanted to see Alice, who I knew was still concerned about me despite my weak assurances on the phone earlier. I was probably closest to her, in no small part because our unique gifts were more pronounced than those of the other members of our family. My ability to hear thoughts, and the visions that Alice had, were truly assets in many ways, but they deprived us of whatever normalcy was possible in our immortal existence. Sometimes her visions came at an inopportune time, as when she was in school or we were otherwise in the company of humans. My mindreading extended to everyone, including my family, and they were well aware that I could "hear" every private moment of each individual.

Check that – my ability extended to almost everyone. Today, for the first time, I found its limitation, ironically in a person who touched off every one of my other senses in a way that other humans never have. I could not get a read on her mentally, but her physical being overwhelmed me. What gods were mocking me today? After working so hard and so successfully to suppress the monster that I was, how could one insignificant mortal come so very close to breaking me? She could have ruined me and I would have dragged my family down with me. I felt the anger growing again, fury at a stranger who'd taken such control over me the second I was aware of her.

Alice and her mate Jasper would be in school until the afternoon, but the rest of my family would probably be home. Esme, Carlisle's wife, would hurt the most over my suffering and need to get away. She regarded us as her children, and we felt as much for her. She couldn't love us any more if she had borne us, and I already regretted causing her pain.

When I turned into our drive, I heard no one downstairs. Emmett was on the second floor, working on his computer. He is a freelance editor; he reviews sports manuals for coaches at the high school and college levels. It was a perfect vocation for my brawny, athletic brother, the strongest vampire I'd ever known.

"Hi, Emmett," I greeted him.

"Hey, bro," he said before turning around. My expression must have still been very dark, because the second he looked at me, he said, "Whoa. What happened? Somebody die?"

Emmett wasn't known for subtlety. "Almost. A new employee started in the pharmacy today. She definitely got my attention."

He laughed. "What, a human? How hot was she?"

"In the way you mean it? I didn't notice," I replied sarcastically, thought I suddenly realized that wasn't true. "Her blood, however, was very hot, and I'm sure completely delicious as well." I exhaled sharply through my mouth. "I almost lost it."

"Seriously? You? Man, it must have been really bad. So what did you do?"

"I nearly ripped up my desk instead. If it hadn't been 8 o'clock so I could safely leave, I think I would have taken her. I ran outside to clear my head and then went to see Carlisle."

"What did he say?"

"There's nothing much he could say. He sympathized, and he's worried about me, but I know he's also concerned about the girl. I think I'm going to go away for a few days. I'm not due back at the hospital until Saturday night. It's probably a good idea if I leave town," I said.

"Sure," he agreed. "You want company? We can go somewhere there's good hunting. How about the Cascades? Some bears might be out already." I could see Emmett's enthusiasm building.

"Thanks, Emmett, but I want to be on my own for this. Besides, don't you have plans with Rosalie?" They were the third couple in our household. Rosalie and I had a strained relationship on the best of days, and if I took Emmett away after she had other commitments for them, it wasn't going to improve.

"I think we're supposed to go to some of the museums in Seattle, if the weather cooperates. It can wait. She'll understand."

I didn't need mind-reading capability to know that Rosalie wouldn't be that generous, especially as far as I was concerned. "No, it's okay. But let me ask you – has this ever happened to you?"

He looked away. "Yeah. Once. It was about ten years after Rosalie found me. I was out walking near some of the farms where we were living in Idaho. There was a woman hanging clothes outside. She was alone. It hit me pretty hard, and before I even knew what I was doing, it was over."

I shuddered. It was almost the exact same situation I faced earlier today, although mine had a better ending. For now.

Emmett shrugged. "Look, what's so bad here? You've been really diligent for decades -- no mistakes. If one human dies…well, it happens all the time. No one has to know." He was trying to make me feel better, but as often happens with Emmett, it wasn't exactly coming out right.

"I can't be that cavalier about it. And, to be honest, I don't want to give in to that temptation. How do I know I'll stop after one?" I said.

He pushed his fist into my shoulder gently – well, gently for Emmett. "You worry too much. You walked away today, right? That has to count for something."

Sometimes I wish I could look at things as simply as Emmett does. "Where are Rosalie and Esme?" I asked.

"They've gone shopping. They're supposed to be home later this afternoon."

"Well, thanks for the idea. The Cascades is probably the best alternative. Look, we'll go hunting together another time," I said, thought I had no idea if I'd be around to fulfill that promise.

I went to my room and began to pull things together: my mp3 player, journals, books, changes of clothing. I wouldn't need anywhere near the amount of camping gear that was necessary for humans, but I decided to bring a tent so my belongings wouldn't get wet. Inevitably, there was snow in the Cascades this time of year. In fact, most of the park would still be closed for the winter season in the northern reaches, where I'd go for solitude. No matter. I wouldn't bring my car; I could run and be there in a few hours.

The garage held much of the equipment we'd accumulated since we moved to Forks. It was mostly a collection of props, since the supposed "camping trips" we took as a family were actually almost entirely hunting excursions for our sustenance. Other times, there were days of work or school missed because the sun was out. I knew there wouldn't be anyone else in the mountains of the park at this time, so even if the sun appeared, I didn't have to worry about being seen by humans. I could detect any park rangers who might come along through their thoughts or their scent, and be gone before they could find me.

Later in the afternoon, I heard Alice and Jasper's car pull into the garage. I was reading in the living room when Alice came bounding in.

"You're leaving," she said. It wasn't a question -- more like an accusation.

"Yes. I have to. Your vision this morning? It came uncomfortably close to being true."

"I don't see you doing anything else right now. Not as far as the girl is concerned, anyway. After I called you this morning, I kept checking. I'll look out for you," Alice said, her voice taking on a pleading tone.

"I can't trust myself, Alice. Thankfully, Bella Swan was at work all day. She'll be leaving soon. Right now, I don't even want to be in the same town as her," I said firmly.

Alice looked at me intently, her large eyes assessing my mood. "I don't think I've ever seen you this out of sorts. You have such good control, almost as much as Carlisle. This is serious, then?"

I sighed, again – I'd been doing that a lot today. "Yes. Call it intuition – although I know that's kind of your specialty." I smiled warmly at her. "It'll be best for all if I get away for a few days. Esme will be upset, but I'll be back. I'm pretty sure I'll be back, anyway," I amended.

Alice nodded and her eyes got the familiar, clouded look that came over her when a vision presented itself. "I do see you coming back. I just can't see what happens after that."

"I have to return to work later this week. I can't leave Larry with one less pharmacist. But I haven't figured out what will happen next." I put my arm around my tiny sister. "I may have to give notice to the hospital and leave for a much longer time."

Alice hugged me tightly. "Let's hope it never comes to that."