Love Is Always an Option

by MeilleurCafe

Bella Swan, a young registered pharmacist from New Jersey, takes a job in the Forks, WA hospital, determined to start her life over. She meets the handsome, brooding Edward Cullen, who also works in the hospital pharmacy...on the night shift, of course.

16. Edward, Chapter 8

Here's another looong chapter, but I thought you all wouldn't mind because it's Edward's POV.

This begins right where Bella's previous chapter left off: at the Cullen home, on the evening that Edward brought her there. The next day, he takes Bella to his meadow.

Edward, Chapter 8

I owed much to Alice, but she may have just wiped out my debt. Almost giddy at finally meeting Bella, she ran off at the mouth and proceeded to give very embarrassing opinions on my personal life. If these were things I wanted Bella to know, I certainly preferred to tell her myself.

Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper immediately felt uncomfortable for me; even if I hadn't possessed the ability to hear their thoughts, I would have seen it in their faces and body language. Then Bella stepped in with her own talent for humorously defusing an awkward situation. Did she just actually refer to herself as "delicious and nutritious," in a house full of vampires? Even Emmett was impressed.

Judging by the expression that flashed across her features, Bella thought again that she was too quick to speak in jest, but it was a perfect way to break the tension. Everyone was increasingly nervous from the moment they heard the Volvo turn in to our property; Alice's impromptu speech on my temperament only heightened that. Once we started laughing, it was as if that all evaporated.

The exception was Rosalie, of course, who remained convinced that any relationship between Bella and I could only end in disaster. She was barely civil to Bella. I anticipated that, but I wanted to make sure Bella didn't think it was her fault.

I knew very well how difficult it is for Bella to be the center of attention, particularly when she's in unfamiliar surroundings. She was unfailingly polite and charming, though shy. She responded especially warmly to Esme, who inquired a number of times whether Bella was enjoying the food and had enough to eat. (Esme worried earlier that she couldn't remember the normal amount of food a young woman would consume for an evening meal; she and Carlisle went overboard and cooked a whole pound of pasta.) I knew Bella had lost her own mother several years ago; something in her demeanor may have communicated that to Esme, whose substantial motherly instincts shifted into overdrive once she heard Bella scold me for declining the meal on her behalf. Esme already adored her; my mother's thoughts were overflowing with affection, and I thought Bella would find herself with another maternal figure whether or not she wanted one.

"You have a very lovely home. Edward told me you did much of the restoration design yourself," Bella said.

Esme nodded. "Thank you so much. I have put a lot into it, but it's not work -- more like a labor of love."

"When was the house built?" Bella asked.

"In 1846," Esme replied.

"It looks as if you've carefully restored it to that period. The exterior is very faithful to the Federal style of that era," Bella said,

Esme beamed, and I knew she could barely restrain herself from jumping up and hugging Bella. I glanced at my hands on the table and grinned, happier than I could have imagined to see my immortal mother and the woman I love take to each other so beautifully.

Bella asked Esme more questions about Esme's interests in historic preservation; they spoke about two other buildings in the region which Esme was restoring. One of them, a Craftsman-style building from the 1920s, was rapidly becoming her newest pride and joy. She was enchanted that Bella was genuinely fascinated with one of her own favorite pursuits, and promised to show Bella some of the plans for the structure. I was touched beyond measure when Bella's face glowed in response.

Either Jasper's Southern hospitality or his curiosity finally got the better of him; he eventually took a seat at the far end of the table. At the beginning of Bella's meal, he was prepared to use his ability to calm everyone's nerves but Bella's deft humor rendered that unnecessary, much to his surprise. He was awed by her intelligence and her apparent lack of concern over being in a house where anyone else could, at an instant, end her life. Out of all of us, Jasper was most likely to slip because he was newest to our lifestyle, so I was appreciative that he kept his distance. He was also amused by Alice's determination to befriend Bella; he wanted to see for himself why the person from her visions was so important to her.

Once Alice knew she was out of hot water, she wanted desperately to talk to Bella again but had to wait calmly -- not one of her strengths. She thrummed impatiently in her seat while Bella and Esme talked about period pieces, low-pitched roofs and exposed rafters.

"That's a nice sweater, Bella. It really complements your skin color," Alice trilled during a brief break in the conversation.

Bella looked confused for a moment and glanced down at what she was wearing. 'Oh...thank you." She blushed, and I heard a collective intake of breath from everyone in my family except Carlisle, whose willpower is legend. "I'm glad you think it looks good. I'm never completely sure if I'm buying something that works best with my height or coloring or anything like that. Anyway, like Gilda Radner said, most of my clothing choices are based on whatever doesn't itch," Bella confessed, nervous again.

With some consternation, I wondered if I should warn Bella of the peril she was innocently embracing with her comments. Saying she was ignorant of clothing style made her chum to Alice, the killer shark of couture in our family. Alice barely let me wear the same clothing twice; I knew it was only a matter of time before she would impose her makeover services on Bella.

Sure enough, Alice's face lit up like a holiday display. "Do you like to go clothes shopping?" she asked excitedly.

Bella looked uncertain while she considered the question. "Sometimes. I find it kind of frustrating, though." I exhaled loudly.

Alice looked shocked. "Frustrating! Why?"

"Well, it seems that what I like doesn't always look right on me. I guess I don't have much talent for it," Bella explained.

I knew exactly what Alice was up to, but before I could jump in and extract Bella from the situation, Emmett whistled and said, "Be careful there, Bella. Alice is always looking for another victim." Bella's face froze for a second. "Fashion victim," Emmett added hastily.

"There's nothing wrong with the way Bella dresses. I think she always looks lovely," I said, smiling at her. I gave Alice a brief but significant glance.

"Oh, but...we could..." Alice started tripping over her words in excitement. "Bella, let's go shopping! I can help you; I'm really, really good at putting together perfect outfits."

"Alice - " I warned her.

Bella interrupted me. "You do dress beautifully, Alice. And I definitely need someone who knows what they're doing."

Emmett put his head in his hands. "Now you've done it."

Alice glared at me. "See, Edward, I told you Bella and I would be great friends."

Now Bella was completely confused. "Okay, what are you all talking about?"

"For Alice, every shopping expedition is the Super Bowl," Emmett explained. "She makes it a mission to beat her personal best whenever she goes. Her trips last about as long as the game, too, and if you don't want to go and she thinks you need new clothes -- which she thinks all the time -- she'll get all Refrigerator Perry on you."

Bella shrugged. "I'd love it." She regarded Alice intently. "You wouldn't make me into someone I'm not, would you?"

We all burst out laughing. Bella looked embarrassed; she meant it as a serious question.

"Alice's idea of what you should look like can differ radically with your idea of what you should look like. Keep that in mind before you accept her invitation," I warned her.

"Oh, don't listen to them," Alice snorted, pushing away at me with her hand. "Before you leave tonight, we'll plan a shopping trip together."

"Sure," Bella replied. Her gaze shifted to Carlisle, who was listening to this entire conversation with great amusement. "Will you be here when we return from the mall, or wherever? Apparently your services may be needed."

Carlisle chuckled. "It would be the first time I treated someone for shopping exhaustion, but it wouldn't surprise me if I had to."

Bella looked curious. "How long have you been practicing medicine, Carlisle?"

"Nearly 300 years," he answered calmly.

Her jaw dropped slightly; I thought she might finally be overcome with shock. Instead, she stretched her arm out and put her hand on Carlisle's forearm. "You must have seen so much in all that time!" The shock came when she realized that she'd touched him without thinking. Self-consciously, she quickly drew back her hand, exactly as she had that night in my car when I helped her rescue the cat.

Carlisle wasn't bothered in the least by her touch; in fact, he reached back to grasp her hand briefly, to set her at ease. "Yes, I have. One of the gratifying things of my very long life has been the chance to see incredible medical advancements. I've gone from treating illnesses which were believed to come from 'humours' to the beginnings of surgery on humans, and on to nearly all of the technology that's been invented in the last 100 years or so."

Bella was amazed. "You've really been there for every major event in medical history. What do you think has been the most important?"

"Conventional wisdom says the discovery of antibiotics, but I'm inclined to think that developments in imaging are equally important. Ever since the Curies laid the foundation for x-rays, we've had more and more reliable ways of determining a person's true ailment without having to cut into him or her. It's enabled us to provide such better, targeted treatment," he explained.

Nodding her head thoughtfully, Bella agreed. "I'd never thought of it that way, but you're right. I can't imagine performing surgery based only on a person's symptoms."

"Or not performing surgery at all," Carlisle added. "Years ago, it was common for patients to die from something as simple as appendicitis. Physicians would assume that someone had indigestion, and all the while the person's appendix was infected and killing them. Thankfully, that kind of problem has been corrected."

Curious as ever, Bella asked Carlisle, "Where did you go to medical school?" I wasn't sure whether she intended to be vague, but she didn't specify what decade, or even century. Carlisle has been through doctor's schooling and training several times in his existence; whenever he felt he needed more knowledge than continuing education could provide, he enrolled at a different school.

"Originally at Cambridge," he replied.

"In England?" Bella looked surprised.

"Yes, that's where I was born."

"How long have you lived in the United States?"

"For over 200 years. I did my original schooling and training in England. And then," he explained without hesitating, "after my transformation, I traveled through Europe for awhile, mostly staying in Italy. I came to America around 1800."
"What made you decide to come here?" Bella asked Carlisle these normal questions about his abnormal life as if she was speaking to another human.

"More opportunities. The advancements in American medicine were starting to overshadow European efforts at that point," he explained.

Fascinated, Bella started to ask him more, then abruptly stopped, looking self-conscious. "I hope you don't mind that I'm asking you all this," she said. "I don't mean to be nosy."
Carlisle smiled. "Not at all. It's nice to have a new audience. Edward and the family have heard my stories time and again; I daresay they're very bored with them by now." Emmett chuckled in agreement.

"Did your family..." Bella hesitated for a few seconds. "Did your family know why you left England?"

"No. They probably assumed I was dead. Once I became immortal, I never saw them again." Carlisle opened his hands, which had been folded on the table, and looked down at his palms for a moment. I knew this was a difficult subject for him; I was curious about what he might tell Bella about his background.

"My father was the vicar in a small parish outside of London at the time. He was a rather stern preacher, very much by the book," Carlisle began.

"By 'book,' I assume you mean Bible?" Bella asked.

He smiled, appreciating her assumption. "Exactly. He was very strict, and many of his sermons dealt with the supernatural. Creatures such as vampires and witches lived fairly openly, believe it or not; they were considered abominations by clergy."

"As it happened, there was a coven of vampires in my father's parish. It was common for the locals to try and drive them away. I was with a group one evening that was searching the streets for them when I was attacked. The others never knew what happened. I left once I realized exactly what assaulted me, and what I had become as a result," he said matter of factly.

"You never told them?" Bella asked softly.

"My father and his parishioners would have come straight for me -- it would have been a true pitchforks-and-torches scene," Carlisle said, shaking his head. "If you've read 'The Crucible,' you have some idea of what I mean."

Bella's expression cleared with understanding. "I suppose he would believe you had become evil because of what happened to you," she commented.

"Well, in my father's defense, the vampires and witches caused a great deal of death and destruction. People were fearful of them, mostly because of their families and livelihoods. I knew the village would come for me and my father would be with them. The fact that I was his son was secondary; his first calling in life was as a minister, not a father," Carlisle explained.

She shook her head in disbelief. "But you've never hurt any human. Edward's told me you're as strong as anyone could possibly be in your situation." The words seemed to roll easily from her mouth; it was incredible that she was talking casually with my father about his history as a vampire.

"When I realized what happened, I was horrified, of course. I didn't want to harm any humans; I was studying medicine so I could help them," Carlisle said softly. "I was frantic, trying to think of what I could do. Finally, I ran off and came across a herd of deer. I was craving blood, and without even thinking I killed several of them. It helped calm the thirst, so that's what started me on this lifestyle." He said it as simply as he had told Bella what he'd made for her dinner.

"It must have been so hard for you. Not just physically -- here you are, the son of a minister, and you've become one of the things he hated the most," Bella said sympathetically.

"I felt as it my life had ended, even though clearly, it had become eternal," Carlisle responded. "It wasn't until I found my family that things were set right." His hand grasped Esme's.

I listened to this conversation with rapt attention, although as Carlisle said, I'd heard it many times before. He left out a number of details, of course, either for the sake of decorum or to spare Bella's composure. His transformation was not nearly as smooth as he made it seem.

"So when you were alive, there were supernatural beings walking among humans? I mean, they were acknowledged?" Bella asked, frowning.

"Yes. They were shunned and fought, of course. Vampires, witches, and others of that ilk were viewed as creatures of the devil. We were supposed to be damned for all time," Carlisle said.

By now, Emmett had excused himself to find Rosalie, who was probably in the garage working on one of our cars. Jasper followed him out shortly afterward, leaving the five of us at the table.

"Do you think that's true now?" Bella asked, curiously.

"Interesting question," Carlisle said appreciatively. Half amused and half concerned, he thought, I'm not sure we should get into this right here.

"It's just that Edward has explained how you all use animals instead of humans. It doesn't seem as if you're these murderous ghouls," she said, then blushed at her own choice of words. Alice was watching her intently, even though I could bet that she'd already seen this in her visions.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "That was harsh. I was trying to say that I don't understand how judgment can be passed on you when you're not doing anything wrong -- in fact, you've all done everything you can to fix a horrible twist of your own fate."

"If you're referring to a deity, I personally don't believe we'll be judged merely on what we are, but rather, on our actions," Carlisle said.

Bella's face brightened. "Exactly! How could it be otherwise?"

"Opinions on this vary," he replied wryly, looking at me, "but I agree that our immortal status isn't as important as how we live it."

I sighed. "Carlisle, I think that's misleading. This is our afterlife. We've already died; we don't have souls."

"Really? How do you know that?" Bella had been leaning forward with her arms on the table; she shifted back to look at me with interest.

"Nearly every organized religion on the planet says that once the body dies, the soul departs it."

"How do you know you didn't get another one?" she said, looking at me curiously.

"I don't think it works that way, Bella. I've always interpreted it as a one-shot deal, " I said, laughing.

She shrugged. "No one knows for sure. Besides," she added, "the Catholics talk about purgatory, a sort of halfway point between heaven and hell. It's supposed to be a place for purification. What if something like that did exist? Maybe your soul is waiting there for you," she said stubbornly.

"To quote Hebrews, in the Bible: 'It is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgment," I replied.

"For what it's worth, Bella, I agree with you. I remain optimistic on that subject," Carlisle said.

"I can't imagine a God, or any supreme being, who would look at any of you and see you as evil," she said emphatically.

I shook my head. "I appreciate your efforts to rewrite religious dogma on my behalf, but I think it's a lost cause," I said. Bella scowled at me but I could see the smile in her eyes.

"I'd be happy if you just acknowledged your good side," she said teasingly.

Carlisle smiled and stood up. "Well, Bella, knowing of your interest in historic artifacts, and hearing your thoughts on religion, let me invite you to see something I have that belonged to my father."

"Really?" Bella was immediately intrigued. "I'd like that."

"It's upstairs," he said, motioning for Bella and I to follow him. "Edward hasn't had the chance to show you the rest of the house, so you can take a tour afterwards." I'm sure you'd like some time with her alone. Certainly you didn't bring her here to discuss theology with me all evening, he thought. I smiled and thanked him with my eyes.

We ascended the stairs and Carlisle led us down the hall to an enormous wooden cross. Dark brown and stained with age, it hung from a simple wire, with a small recessed ceiling light creating shadows in its distressed grooves. Bella's eyes widened and she extended her hand as if to touch it, then hesitated, looking to Carlisle and I for approval.

Carlisle nodded. "It's quite sturdy, even after all these years, so please go ahead."

She ran her hand gently over the bottom of the vertical plank. "It's beautiful. How long have you had it?"

"I found it when I returned to England at one point in the 1800s. I went to the church where my father preached; it was still standing, and I found this in storage. The interior had been redesigned and the elders didn't see the need to keep this around, so they let me have it when I explained that an ancestor was once vicar there," he explained.

Bella frowned slightly. "There's no...I mean, it doesn't...bother you to have this here, in your home?"

Carlisle and I both laughed. "No, that's another myth," I explained. "Crosses, holy water and garlic don't affect us at all."

"Well, that's a relief. Next time you come over, I can simmer garlic in water from the baptismal font at the hospital chapel. Great new recipe," she said, grinning.

"Okay now, the smell of that...yes, that would definitely affect me."

Carlisle excused himself to adjourn to his study. "Bella, it's been so nice having you here," he said, giving her a warm embrace. "At least half of what Alice said was right," he added, smiling mischievously at me over Bella's small frame. "You've clearly made Edward very happy. Esme and I are truly grateful for that."

"He doesn't always see it, but he's done the same for me," she said, her voice slightly muffled. Whether it was from emotion or being slightly pushed against Carlisle's chest, I had no idea, but I didn't care. It was all I could do to restrain myself from pulling her away from him and kissing her right there, in front of my father and the cross.

I took her hand and led her back down the hall, pointing out the rooms of my siblings and their partners, as well as the master bedroom suite used by Carlisle and Esme. At the end of the hall, opposite from where the cross hung, was my room, where I'd never hosted another woman, except for those I lived with.

Bella looked around quickly as she entered, her eyes taking in the drawings and paintings I had on the walls. Her gaze fixed on one of the bookshelves which held music, and she walked over to read the titles.

Tilting her head sideways, her brows were knit in concentration. "How are these organized?"

"By category, like classical, folk, and such, and then by year. Within the year, it's by preference, not alphabetical."

"Quasi-Dewey decimal system," she said. I detected the smile in her voice; she was facing away from me.

"Is there something in particular you'd like to hear?"

"What's your favorite?" she asked.

"Within what genre?"

"Well, what's your favorite genre?" she replied impishly.

"Classical."

"Please, put on something you especially like," she said.

I strolled over to her and reached for a CD of Debussy to play on the stereo. Slow, romantic and tender, the notes of "Claire de Lune" filled the room.

"This is really beautiful. I'm embarrassed to say I don't know this piece," she said shyly.

"I could teach you about classical music," I offered.

"I'd like that. I would like to know more about it, particularly if it's something you enjoy," she said, finally meeting my gaze.

My happiness lifted with the opening piano and then soared as the music took flight. Impulsively, I grabbed Bella's right hand with my own and held it up just past her shoulder. She looked to me confusedly for explanation.

Hesitant now, I put my left arm around her waist so it rested gently at her lower back. She finally guessed my intention and started laughing self-consciously.

"You have to know I'm not a good dancer. I mean," she said, blushing furiously, "everything you've seen of me so far points in that direction."

"Shhhh," I said softly. "Let's not waste the music."

"I'm afraid of stepping on your feet," she said, still embarrassed.

"If I can teach you about classical music, I can teach you to dance, too. Besides, if you stepped on my foot I'd barely feel it."

Finally, she relaxed enough to follow my lead. Typical Bella, though: she kept her head down, studying the placement of my feet as she moved her own. I wanted very much to see her expression, although I guessed she was frowning in concentration. I was just about to remove my hand from her waist and tilt her chin up when she lifted her head and smiled. Suddenly she looked uncertain, and I felt fleeting frustration because I didn't know what she was thinking. Then, she closed her eyes and laid her head on my chest, humming gently. I pulled her closer to me and shut my own eyes, grateful for the clumsy little patterns her feet were making on the floor because it meant we didn't actually move all that much.

The pain in my throat was insistent, but I expected that it would be. I swallowed the venom and gauged my control; I felt certain that I had it. Something else was dominant tonight. Bella's small, very warm body pressed up against my cold exterior was like a sure hand pulling me out of a century of desolation. It was heady, it was passionate, it was reverential, and it was terrifying.

Her head rested very near where my heart would beat; I tried to focus on that rather than the intimacy of her breasts pressed lightly but firmly against the middle of my chest. And that's what terrified me right now: not her scent or her blood, but something I was only beginning to realize I wanted just as much, if not more. It was an impossible situation. Could I be satisfied with physical touching limited to this? Could Bella?

The music ended and she kept her head where it was, though she stopped moving her feet. Slowly, she brought her head up to look in my eyes.

"Was that okay?" she asked, thinking of me again, and referring to the discomfort created by my thirst. Immediately, my mood turned dark. She would never have to ask that of another man, not in the way she meant it.

My frustration must have shown on my face, because she frowned and started to ask, "What's--"

I tightened my arm around her waist and said, "Yes. It's fine." I walked the both of us to the couch in my room. (I was the only one in the house without a bed; although none of us slept, I had even less use for one.)

Bella halted me. "No, wait. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Stop that. You promised you'd tell me when something's bothering you."

I sighed, continuing to pull her toward the couch. "Let's sit down."

She set herself carefully on the leather, her attention still on me. "Sometimes I'm..." I'd rarely, if ever, been at a loss for words until I met Bella. "I wish you didn't have to ask me that question."

Bella shrugged. "But I do. So what. Eventually, I'll learn more about your limits. Then I won't have to ask as much."

I smiled at her oversimplification while I processed the word "eventually." It spoke of a lot of time together, and no matter what, I liked that.

"If this was different...if I was different..."

"But you're not. So leave it alone. It is what it is."

Surprised again at her acceptance, I asked once more, "It really doesn't bother you?"

She exhaled. "Sure, I wish I didn't have to ask, even though it's not like it's an annoyance." Bella scooted closer to me and took my hand. "I know why it bothers you. It's what it means. Of course I wish it was different, if only because you'd stop beating yourself up all the time. I guess I figure, this is the reality." She shrugged her shoulders. "There are lots of worse questions I could have to ask a guy."

"With another guy, your life wouldn't be in danger."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "Is my life in danger now?"

"No, not right now."

"Well, then. I think we agreed to take this one step at a time. Your recall is better than mine," she said teasingly. "Am I remembering it right?"

"Yes, you are." I looked down the contrast of our hands: mine, so white and hard; hers, soft, warm and a very human mix of beige and blush. I wondered if I'd ever be worthy of her understanding.

Still clutching my hand, Bella said, "Look, I don't want to minimize your fears or your appetite." I looked up at her, somewhat shocked at her use of the word. "But I'm not going to stand for you wallowing in guilt or self-loathing."

"You are really, absolutely, totally unafraid that I could kill you at any second?" Wallow, wallow, wallow.

"I never said that. I'm not a total idiot, contrary to all appearances," she said, trying to get me to smile. "But I trust you. And I'm choosing to accentuate the positive."

Of course, I had that Johnny Mercer tune in my collection. That was the next song we danced to.

* * * *

For the first time in memory, I regretted having to work that night. Normally, it gave me something else to do. Tonight, though, it took me away from what I wanted more than anything: to stay with Bella. I had to talk myself into being responsible and reporting to the pharmacy.

She sighed when I told her it was time for me to change my clothes for work. Smiling, I trailed my fingertips along the side of her face and said, "I feel the same way." She covered my hand with her own and leaned into it, exactly like the first night I'd touched her this way.

I excused myself and grabbed my clothes to bring to the washroom. As I closed the door behind me and began removing my shirt, I felt the strangest sensation. I would be naked in a few seconds, with nothing separating me from Bella but the wall. Another wall. I thought I had taken them down, but this one was especially insurmountable. I knew nothing would happen; I wouldn't leap out of the door to shock her, pull her into my arms and kiss her without stopping...but it was indescribably exciting to think about.

Alice heard we were preparing to leave. As I was brushing my hair, she knocked at my door and called out to us. I knew I'd better get out there fast or she'd have my sweet, unsuspecting Bella talked into an 18-hour shopping trip.

"Hey Bella, can we go next weekend? I know you guys have plans for tomorrow, so I thought maybe we could shoot for Saturday," Alice chirped excitedly.

Bella looked to me, mystified, and smiled. "We have plans? What are we doing tomorrow, Edward?"

Alice must have seen something. "Actually, we haven't discussed this at all yet," I said, glowering at my sister, "but I've heard the weather tomorrow is supposed to be sunny, so I thought we could do something outdoors."

Stop scowling at me, Edward, Alice thought, with a calculated grin stretched across her face. If Bella and I spend time together, I can find out what she likes. You can get her better presents than small appliances and free veterinary care.

Hmmm. Truly, Alice had a point. Bella never spoke of favoring anything besides books or CDs. I would love to buy her more gifts, and if they went shopping, Alice could do reconnaissance work for me.

In the silence, Bella's gaze moved suspiciously from me to Alice and back. "Are you two plotting something?"

"No," Alice said quickly. "I was apologizing to Edward because I spoke out of turn. I saw the two of you out tomorrow, and I thought maybe you'd already talked about it. Sorry, Bella, I should have asked first."

Bella readily accepted Alice's explanation. "Oh, that's okay," she responded. "Um, I think next Saturday would be fine. I don't have any other plans...do I?" She looked at both of us playfully. Alice clapped her hands with glee before I shooed her back to Jasper.

We stopped downstairs where Esme was in her study, because I knew she would want to see Bella before we left. They hugged gently, Esme uncertain of her own strength. "Goodbye, Bella. I do hope Edward brings you back here soon," she said, smiling affectionately.

"So do I. I'm so glad he brought me tonight. It's been wonderful meeting all of you. And thank you for dinner. It was among the best Italian food I've ever had," she replied, sincerity shining through her expression.

Edward, you have finally found the person you've so richly deserved all these years, Esme thought as she saw us out to the garage.

Emmett was there with Rosalie, whose upper body was at work under her BMW. "G'night, Bella," he said, waving. "Have a great time at work, bro. You are still going to work, right?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. Rosalie didn't say a word, exactly as I expected.

As soon as the car headed down the drive, Bella said, "That was really nice, Edward. They made me feel so welcome. And it must have been difficult for them."

"Oh, they like you very much. Esme couldn't have been more taken with you," I said, holding her hand reassuringly.

"I'm so happy about that. I mean, I had no idea how they would react to me."

"Most of the family is glad that I'm with someone. I believe Alice explained that in detail for you," I said wryly.

Bella laughed. "Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny. I've already seen that you can be very dark," she said, looking at me out of the corner of her eye, "but I don't see you that way at all now."

"First impressions are supposed to be lasting. I appreciate your willingness to revisit that," I murmured, kissing her hand.

She smiled and glanced down at her lap. "I believed you were worth knowing."

I let the feeling of plain contentment wash over me with no second-guessing. It was a welcome change from wallowing.

We arrived at Bella's apartment and I turned off the motor. She looked at me, questioning; she assumed I would let her out on her own. "I'm going to walk you to your door like a proper gentleman," I explained. It wasn't exactly true; I couldn't kiss her the way I wanted to in the car, all angled and awkward.

"So, I gather we have something to do tomorrow?" She smiled and turned to me as we arrived at the doorstep.

"Yes. Alice was a real well of information tonight, wasn't she?" I sighed. "Would you like to go with me to the meadow?" I wanted to make sure she had the choice, especially after she was the last person to learn of my idea.

"Of course," she replied, still smiling. "What time?"
"Would noon be all right?" Since it was Sunday, she would want to sleep in a little.

"That's perfect."

"I'll pick you up then." I hesitated and her chin dropped a little, a look of nervous anticipation stealing across her face.

We'd been together all night, so I was gratefully accustomed to her scent right now. I tilted her head up gently with my fingers and then cradled her face in my hands, simply taking in all the features of her face for a few minutes. She looked happy, glowing.

I leaned down slowly and placed my lips against hers, careful to keep them closed. I wanted to open my mouth and kiss her harder, more hungrily, but I didn't dare risk my teeth getting in the way. She moved her head slightly, settling her lips into mine. Bella moaned quietly and it almost undid me, nearly unraveling the determination I'd held to keep from doing anything stupid that either of us would regret. I felt her mouth part slightly and I drew back reluctantly. Her blood wasn't tempting me nearly as much as the rest of her was.

She detected my change in mood and stopped moving, holding still until she knew I was no longer bent over her to reach her lips. Bella opened her eyes and looked at me, her eyelids at half-mast and her head tilted slightly. There was passion in her gaze; I was sure I saw it there. I removed my hands, intending to take hers, but she moved her palm up to my cheek.

"Goodnight, dear Edward," she said softly.

I inhaled deeply at her words and the way she said them. "Goodnight, dear Bella," I responded, my voice husky.

I was especially glad I was the only pharmacist on duty tonight; there was plenty of work, so I redirected my focus. I felt light - emotionally - and physically almost dizzy after my time with Bella, and the finale of our evening was especially distracting. I didn't want to make any mistakes in a profession that could afford none. There were a number of emergency surgeries and admissions tonight; apparently a fight on the reservation had left some bloody victims. I dropped off the supply of medicated intravenous fluids and other prescriptions at the ER, taking care to steer clear of the blood I'd smelled so clearly from way down the hall.

When I arrived home, the lightness was replaced by impatience. I had about four hours before I picked Bella up at her apartment. Should I go over there now, just to watch her? No, that would probably put her off and resurrect those stalker fears. Besides, I'd need my car for our trip, and I couldn't leave the Volvo in her driveway and sit in a tree for hours. That was too weird, even for me.

I read, I helped Esme move some mulch to the rear of the house for plantings, I read some more, and then, with a couple of hours still left, decided to play music. I was composing several tunes at once, all of them inspired by Bella. Perhaps the best way to keep my mind off of the time until I saw her was to do something that actually connected me with her for now. The familiarity of the keys and the effort of finding the right combination of notes was soothing. I wanted to get these compositions right. I was writing several pieces because they each portrayed different aspects of what I felt for Bella. One of them was playful, one of them was gentle and quieting, and the third, which I was motivated to add to now, was thunderous and passionate, almost dark.

Never a mere distraction, my music kept me satisfyingly occupied until it was time to leave. The sun was indeed shining, as Alice predicted for me a few days ago. Even with a thin haze of clouds, the brightness filtered through every space, wending around tree leaves and reflecting off the windows of the businesses downtown. Every face I saw on the streets was happy.

And so was Bella. I pulled the car into her driveway and saw her standing there, gazing up at the sky as if to make sure she was really seeing the sun. She had a lovely smile on her face, which broadened into a huge grin when she saw my car.

"Hi!" she said, almost shyly. "Isn't it beautiful out today?" She had on jeans and a tee shirt, and was carrying a light jacket.

I laughed in delight at her expression; I couldn't recall ever seeing her appear so carefree. "It is a rare, lovely day in Forks. Is that why you were outside?"

"That's part of it. Since it's sunny, I didn't know if you'd want to get out of your car until we arrived at wherever we're going today, so I thought I'd wait here. Which reminds me," she said, frowning slightly, "would you mind if I drove today?"

Surprised, I asked, "Not necessarily, but why?"

"Well, you always drive, and it's only fair if I do my share of it. Plus," she added, rolling her eyes self-consciously, "your driving sometimes scares me."

"That's what scares you about me? My driving?" I couldn't stop laughing.

"You may be used to driving 80 miles an hour on local roads, but I'm not. Honestly, I don't even drive on the New Jersey Turnpike as fast as you do on Main Street," she said, shushing my protests. "Please?"

I relented. When she looked at me like that, I couldn't say no. "You should know this is going to take a lot longer now," I grumbled.

"Yeah, but with a lower probability that one of us will wind up back in the Emergency Room."

After she pulled the Subaru out on to the street and I left my Volvo in the driveway, I quickly climbed into her car, thankful it was idling in the shade. I moved the passenger seat as far back as I could to accommodate my height, then saw that it left me essentially looking at the right side of her head. Sighing, I bent my knees in an exaggerated manner and pushed the seat forward.

Bella was enjoying this. "Are you comfortable?"

"No."

"Sorry. Can you tell me where we're going now, and how to get there?"

I directed her north on Route 101, towards Beaver. There was a particular place I went to when the sun was out, at the border of Olympic National Park, and it had thus far remained undiscovered by anyone else. I never detected any human scent there, so as far as I knew it was safe for both of us.

We rode in comfortable silence for a few moments, and then Bella said, "I guess Rosalie really doesn't like me very much."

"Rosalie doesn't know you well enough to even feel that way. There are other issues with her," I replied. "In her own way, she's concerned about me and our family, but more than that, our relationship seems to bring up a lot of bad feelings for her." I tried to explain without violating Rosalie's privacy. "She still often struggles with her own immortality. I think the fact that you are human causes her to remember things from her past. It isn't you personally."

Bella glanced at me, concern working over her expression. "She didn't want this life," she said, more a statement than a question.

I shook my head. "I don't know of anyone who does. Rosalie had things she wanted while human -- things she remembers, that she still wants and misses. It affects her deeply at times."

"She has Emmett, at least. He seems to adore her."

"Yes, they are very much in love. He's very protective of her, although she'd never admit she enjoys that. Still, it doesn't compensate for everything she can't have." I thought of the pale, crimson-eyed Bella in Alice's vision, and I wondered. Worried, too.

"Mmm," Bella said in assent. "It helps to know that. The way she reacted to me kind of reminded me of you, that first day I saw you."

I nodded. It wasn't an unfair comparison. "We both treated you horribly."

"At the time, I wondered how you could hate me when you didn't even know me. That's always difficult for me. I wondered why Rosalie would also dislike me that much when she doesn't know me, either. And if she cares for you as her brother, wouldn't she want to know me?" I detected some hurt in her voice. "But I understand what you're saying. It's her, not me."

I nodded. "Please remember that. Also, Rosalie is very vain," I added, laughing. "She's jealous of you for other reasons, too."

Bella did a double take. "Jealous? Edward, she has to be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. How could she possibly be jealous of me?"

"You're also a beautiful woman."

She blushed and ducked her head, even as her eyes stared straight at the road. "No," she said, sounding almost confused.

"You don't acknowledge yourself very well, Bella. You are beautiful. You're so amazing in so many ways, and it's always right there for everyone to see. Even when you're so serious, everything -- all of you -- shines," I said, emotion weighing heavily in my voice.

"Edward..." she said, laughing self-consciously. I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. I sighed. "If I contribute nothing else to this relationship, I'm determined to get you to see your own qualities." I stopped because I had to point out the turnoff to Bella. We left Route 101 and followed a narrow gravel road a few miles until I told her to pull over in a clearing where she could park the car.

We locked up the Subaru in silence. Bella tied her jacket around her waist; I was grateful she chose to wear sneakers, because we'd need to hike through an area where there was no trail. I was wearing a long-sleeved button down shirt, untucked.

"How far is it?"

"About a mile from here."

Bella stopped and gently pulled on my arm. I turned to her, waiting for a question, perhaps, on where we were headed. Instead I was met with intense anger. Bella's face and mouth were set, and there were tears brimming in her eyes.

"Don't ever talk like that again," she said to me.

"What? Don't ever call you beautiful?" Once again, she had me mystified. And once again, I wished fervently that I could read her mind, to see what she was really thinking and feeling.

"No. Well, I don't mean -" and she stopped, squinting her eyes closed. I hissed in frustration, and she reopened them slowly. "Thank you. For the compliment. Even if I don't think it's...realistic."

"Are you calling me a liar?" I tried to joke her out of her seriousness, as she might do with me.

"No, I'm calling you someone who also doesn't see himself very clearly." Bella looked away for a second, as if gathering momentum. She turned back to me and stepped slightly closer. "Don't ever think you don't contribute anything to us. Never, ever say that." She grabbed my hand and held it fast. "You never expect or want me to be anyone but exactly who I am. You have no idea how important that is to me -- what a great gift that is." Her voice was trembling but fierce, and several tears came rolling down her cheeks. With my other hand, I brushed them away.

Her words...not reading her thoughts made them so much sweeter for how unexpected they were. Not random declarations coming from anyone, but phrases put together like the piano notes I prized so highly. They filled me with the most heavenly light, better than the music I'd loved all these years. Despite my own misgivings and qualms about myself, there was no doubt that she meant everything she said.

We faced each other, her emotion subsiding a little, and I leaned forward to place my forehead against hers. I wanted to kiss her but more than that, I wanted to look in her eyes while I responded to her, to make sure she knew how definite I was.

"My heart came to life again because of you. It may not beat like others, but it's here. And it's yours," I said softly. She closed her eyes and tilted her head slightly aside. I reached down to kiss her gently. "To know that I can do this right, that I can be something right when I'm with you so you're happier -- that's all I want. That's all I need."

Calmer now, Bella kept her gaze in mine and finally smiled. Her heart rate had slowed to a normal level. Satisfied that we were ready to start walking, I turned and motioned in the direction of the meadow. It took another 30 minutes of hiking, with Bella occasionally stumbling. I caught her by the arm or the hand numerous times, feeling her pulse quicken whenever that happened. I could not imagine tiring of that. It seemed as if I had a constant effect on her, a good effect in so many ways, and it gave me enormous joy and more than a little pride.

The growth of trees thinned and the canopy became sparse. "It's right here," I said, and led her to the edge of the woods, where it bordered the meadow. The grass was thick and rich with the smell of the ground; in the middle of the meadow was a dense growth of wildflowers: lavender harebells, magenta paintbrush, white campion. Bella stared in wonder and began walking toward the flowers, reaching down to carefully touch them. She turned and shaded her eyes, looking for me. I remained at the edge of the woods, and once she noticed I was unbuttoning my shirt, her expression grew perplexed. "Edward?" she questioned.

"Stay there, Bella. I'll be right over," I replied. I removed my shirt and held it in my hand, and with one large inhale, stepped out into the sunlight.

I hadn't provided Bella with any indication of what to expect. I kept my gaze on her face, waiting, as always, for her reaction to another part of the life I had to keep hidden. Her eyes widened but she otherwise held still, watching my every movement. As I drew closer to where she stood, she extended her hand, waiting for me. I closed the distance between us and stood about a foot away from her, our hands clasped.

"So beautiful," she whispered. "Edward, you're amazing." Her eyes scanned my face and chest, taking in the reflections caused by the sun on my skin.

"You think it's beautiful?" I couldn't keep the disgust out of my voice.

"Yes, I do. I really do." She seemed in awe of it. "The colors are incredible. Every time you move, they move with you and change...It's...You're glorious."

I shook my head. "Yet another way in which I'm a freak."

Bella tilted her head up and regarded me levelly. "Please just accept my compliment." Moving one step closer, she said, "Now I understand why you steer clear of the sun in public places. Edward, how is this possible?" She inclined her head to look closely at my bicep, which is more or less at her eye level.

I motioned for her to sit down, still holding hands. She moved mine closer to her face and inspected it, frowning, looking for her answer.

"We think it has something to do with the hardness of our skin. I'm not sure if science can exactly explain this. We can't even get a tissue sample. The only thing tough enough to cut through it is another vampire's teeth, and none of us want to do that," I explained.

Heavier clouds were moving in, and the sunlight was made weaker by the haze. The brightness of the reflections off my skin dimmed a little bit, and resumed its strength when the cloud passed along.

"Why do you dislike it so much? Is it just because it keeps you inside when the weather is like this?" Bella asked, ever curious.

"That's a part of it, certainly. Mostly, it's what it represents. It's yet another manifestation of how different we are," I said, my eyes down.

"How different you are." It wasn't a question. Bella watched me carefully, my hand in her lap.

"Yes." She began stroking my hand and arm, and then looked at me cautiously.

"It's fine. I'm all right with this. In fact, it feels wonderful. Your hands -- all parts of you -- are so warm. It's intensified by the sun," I said, in response to the question I didn't want her to ask. Since we'd been together yesterday and for several hours today, I was able to shove my bloodlust to some unwelcome corner of my mind. It always fought to get out when she was closer, but the enjoyment of her touch gave me the strength to shut it down.

I was beginning to realize that I could never hurt her. The agony it would cause would drive me insane, and probably to death. Still, I wanted to be sure I never put us in the position where that could happen. But sitting here with her, quietly enjoying her touch, was fine -- better than fine. It was more than I'd hoped for in all my immortality. My emotions had drawn so close to the surface in recent weeks, I felt as if I was wearing them. I could pitch from the depths of despair to positive elation in minutes, merely from the joy that Bella brought me. The quick mood shifts that are another vampire characteristic felt enhanced. I started to chuckle.

"What?" Bella stopped her soft strokes. "Did I do something?"

"No, I was just thinking. Vampires have rapid mood swings -- good to bad and then back again. My emotions are so riled up now that I...now that we are together. I'm suddenly very sympathetic to women who have PMS," I said.

Bella chuckled. "I'll file that away for future reference."

"Why did you automatically think I was laughing at you?" I asked curiously.

She shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. "I've always been defensive. I guess it's almost reflexive at this point in my life."

"But what made you that way?"

"Getting yelled at a lot, probably."

"By who?" I couldn't see any reason for it, and it made me angry. She always tried so hard to do what was right.

"My parents. The nuns in grammar school. And then, you know...even when it isn't yelling any more, there's still criticism. I guess I've become hyper-sensitive." She looked at me almost apologetically. "Anyway, it's not terribly interesting."

I slowly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm interested."

"I think I've already told you almost everything about me," she protested, grabbing my fingers and lacing her own through my hand.

"Mmmm, not everything," I demurred.

"What, I didn't tell you my birth weight? Or my final report card in sixth grade?" she teased.

My endless drive to know her made me lose all discretion. "Who is Bill?" I asked before really thinking about it.

The smile, as well as all the color, faded from her face. "How did you know his name?" she asked quietly.

Honesty. She wanted honesty. Plus, you got yourself into this. "Remember when we discussed how I stayed in your apartment overnight? And how it was never boring for me?"

"Yes?" she replied hesitantly.

"You said his name in your sleep."

She sighed and glanced at the ground. "It must have been a long time ago," she murmured.

I wasn't sure what she was referring to. "Do you mean, you knew him a long time ago? Or that you said his name a long time ago?"

"I meant I must have said his name a long time ago, because I haven't dreamt about him in ages. I never even think about him any more, " she said pointedly.

"You know, you really don't have to tell me--" I started to say.

Bella held out her hand to stop me. "I know. Now I want to. You already know something about him anyway. He was the boyfriend I broke up with before I came here."

After Bella and I had our first conversation at work, I matched the person she mentioned with the name she spoke at night. "I thought it was something like that."

She didn't say anything for a minute or two, and then she started. "He wasn't my first boyfriend, but I think I'd call him the straw that broke the camel's back. We dated for only a while. I don't know why he even bothered with me. He made it plain by the end that he had very little regard for me."

My fury must have shown on my face. "You look angry," she said warily.

"I am. I won't tolerate anyone treating you like that," I said with a growl.

"Just remember, he's in the past. I literally don't care if I never see him again. Leaving New Jersey helped assure that," she said.

"Anyway. We met through work, at the same hospital. He worked in public relations," she explained. A quick flashback to her strong reaction against Tom Boylan ran through my mind. "We had some common interests, like music and movies, books. He asked me out a couple of times. I don't think it was very serious -- well, I know now for him that it wasn't," she amended. "He was very impatient with me. If I didn't know a particular book or play, he viewed it as some major failure. I don't like to dance much -- as you know," she smiled weakly at me. "He loved to dance and it annoyed him that I didn't. One time he dragged me out on a dance floor and I just thought, 'To hell with it, I'l go with this.' And then he stands there and looks at me and says, 'You're better than most of the others in this place!" He took what I guess was supposed to be a compliment and managed to make it sound like criticism." She shook her head.

"One evening, I had a party with some friends and work colleagues. I don't even remember how it started, but somehow we wound up talking in my bedroom, and he told me he was leaving the party and he didn't want to see me any more. I cried really hard," Bella said, almost sheepishly. "It took hours before I left my room to be with my friends again. I let him ruin the party for me."

I threaded my fingers through her hair, moved them down her cheek, traced her jawline and rubbed her hands. I had to keep touching her as she told me all this. "It hurt for quite a while. It wasn't only the loneliness, which, in a lot of ways, I was used to. It was as if he validated every bad feeling I had for myself. I let him do that. I should have thrown him out of my party. I should have thrown him out of my life," she said through clenched teeth. "In the end, that's what bothered me most, that I let him worm his way into my life even though he didn't care for me, and walk all over me."

She laced her fingers through mine once more. "Do you remember when we first talked and I said that distancing yourself from a problem can help see your way to resolving it?"

I nodded. I certainly did remember that. "When I arrived here, I was still a mess. I worried that I had made a rash decision," she continued.

"I'm sure my behavior didn't help," I said, angry now at myself.

Bella looked at me, silent for a moment. "Well, I've told you how confused I was, but really? That first day was another hit to my self-confidence." I closed my eyes, and the self-loathing rose to a pitch.

"I'm telling you this to be honest with you," she added firmly. "Don't waste time beating yourself up over it. Now I understand what was going on with you. Plus, the important thing is, we got past that," she said simply. Bella watched me and grasped my hands harder, waiting for affirmation in my eyes.

"And also, that day I first saw you got me thinking. I was angry at you, too. It made me realize I wasn't going to stand for anyone treating me like that any more -- not Bill, not you, not anyone. I won't say it's easy for me to stand up for myself, but it brought on a better realization that no one is going to do that for me. So in a weird way, you did me a favor," she added.

"I also thought a lot about why I let myself get into that situation. Bill was so critical of me because I allowed it. What would attract me to someone like that in the first place? I knew I needed to figure out why. So also, when I told you that I was 'working' on things when I moved here, I had already started down that road."

"You said Bill wasn't your first boyfriend. What about the others?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, there were so many. I never dated anyone in high school. My first year in college, I went out with one guy who wanted us to be engaged by the end of that year and married sometime in my senior year. I ran like hell."

"Smart Bella," I said, smiling.

"Later, in my junior year, I went out with a guy who was very different from me: not much interest in books, attended junior college to study drafting, and into cars, big-time. We shared a mutual crazy love of the beach. It wasn't enough to sustain that relationship. I think we lasted about a year before I found out he was taking another girl to concerts and the Jersey Shore," she said.

"Really? He was cheating on you?" I couldn't possibly understand that. He had every human advantage I couldn't have, and he threw it away, betrayed her.

"Yes, I guess he was."

"What a prince. What did you say to him?"

"Nothing much, as I recall. I didn't really call him out on it. Sound like a pattern to you?" She looked at me ruefully. "I told myself it was because I knew we weren't meant to be. We enjoyed each other's company for awhile and then that was it. He wanted to be closer, actually, but I didn't want that."

My eyebrows shot up. I was getting better at reading between her lines. "What does that mean? Did he want to marry you, like the first guy?"

"No, not that." She was silent for a minute; we had released our intertwined fingers, probably due to Bella's tendency to talk with her hands. She pulled at the grass nervously, watching me from the corner of her eyes. "I really doubt you want to hear this."

"I really think I do," I said gently.

"He was a lot more interested in having sex than I was. He thought it would bring us closer, but I didn't believe that." She sighed and stretched, twisting from side to side with a slight frown.

"Are you all right?" I asked, concerned at her expression.

"My back's a little sore from sitting here so long, hunched over."

At least I could help with that. "Come here," I said motioning with my hands. I positioned her with her back facing me, between my legs, and moved her gently -- always mindful of that -- so that she settled against my chest. She balanced her arms on the tops of my knees, and I rested my chin on her head.

"Look at this," she said, and I heard the smile in her voice. "My own personal Adirondack chair."

I chuckled. She didn't ask The Question; I hope she realized that if I suggested this closeness, I found it tolerable. I was a little more worried about some of my particularly male instincts, as opposed to the vampire ones, but it seemed I had it all under control. For now. Again, I wished I didn't have to care about that. Wallow.

I did have a bit of an ulterior motive. We were getting into a difficult topic in this part of the discussion of what had happened in her young adult life. I thought she might find it easier to talk if she didn't have to face me but had me supporting her in other ways.

"I'm sorry I interrupted you. I want you to be comfortable." In every way. "Please continue."

Bella said, "Okay. Let me think about this a minute." I heard a few soft breaths before she spoke again, quietly. "His name was Greg. I hadn't had sex with any one at that point, and somehow, I knew I didn't want him to be the first. I didn't tell that to Greg; I only said I didn't want to. Shortly after that, we broke up." She laughed briefly. "I guess that was for the best, too."

I let her words sink in. I hadn't had sex with anyone at that point... I knew what that meant. There was someone later, at some point.

Bella was 24 years old. It wasn't out of the question that she would have had sex with someone. I tried not to let it bother me. I was unsuccessful at that.

"And then what?"

"Despite the fact that he started dating someone else before we technically broke up, we remained friends. I didn't see him very much before I left New Jersey. I understand that his new girlfriend is rather clingy, and he actually told a mutual friend that he didn't realize how much freedom I gave him, and how much he valued that, until now." In spite of the irrational pain of knowing I couldn't be her first and only lover, I grinned at the tone of satisfaction in her voice.

A few minutes of silence ensued. I asked what I wanted, hoping it didn't sound too judgmental. "Did you have many other boyfriends?"

"Nothing steady, until Bill."

Please don't tell me you gave something as precious as yourself to a troglodyte who was cruel to you. I couldn't think of what to say next -- a rarity for me, but this was a new situation.

More quiet. Then Bella said, "What is it, Edward?"

"What do you mean?"
She turned her head a little to the side, smiling slightly. "You're no longer as relaxed as you were. Is something wrong?"

"No..."

"I think you're lying, but I'm not going to push you." She hesitated, and then asked, "Is it okay if I tell you more about...about the relationships that I did have?"

I realized that Bella knew all along what bothered me, and she was giving me a way out. "Of course. I want you to tell me whatever you want to. I'm listening." I gave her a slight hug to reassure her.

She settled back into my chest. "After Greg, I dated someone briefly, and it was kind of intense. We had a summer together. I slept with him, and I'm still not sure why. I'd always imagined my first time would be more special than that -- you know, a longer-term relationship, but it didn't turn out that way at all." Bella was silent for a moment.

"Maybe it was because I was 21 and I thought it was simply time. Maybe I had something to prove because Greg left me for another girl. I can't come up with any real reason. I'm normally not a terribly impulsive person." She stopped, and then said softly, "It was a bad decision. I'm not proud of it."

With some effort, I said, "You didn't do anything that hadn't been done an infinite number of times by others your age."

"But it wasn't right for me. And after telling Greg I didn't want to sleep with him because it wasn't right, why did I make such a sudden turnaround about something so meaningful? That scared me. I can't separate sex from love; it's too important to me, and I'm usually much more protective of myself than that." Those were probably the only words she could have spoken that would make me feel better right now.

"That all put me off of any kind of dating for awhile. And then came Bill. If the emotional side of our relationship was difficult, the physical side was probably worse. I put up with a lot of criticism there, too, and of course, I believed it. My self-esteem took a lot of hits, because I thought I really cared for him and I was desperate for that relationship to work. By the time he left, I had very little faith in myself. I still don't know how I managed to get myself clear across the country. Now, in hindsight, I think I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of him, and the mess I'd become."

There was nothing in my own experience that I could equate with all this. Instead, I listened to her describe these parts of her own life and felt them through her words, the cadence of her voice, and the weight of the emotions that filled each narrative.

"So that day you and I first talked, when you said you didn't think I was really 'over' Bill -- well, you didn't know how right you were. It wasn't Bill himself; by the time he broke up with me, I knew almost immediately that he was no big loss." I was relieved at the distaste in her tone. "It was how emotionally beaten down I was. I believed I had nothing to offer, nothing desirable." I hissed and held her closer, my anger dangerously close to spilling out. All that stopped me was the fragility of Bella -- this woman who deserved only love and devotion, and instead fell into the hands of someone who knew nothing of either.

"And then I got on a plane and moved to Forks," she said simply.

"How do you feel now?" I asked, unsure of exactly how to phrase what I wanted to know.

But Bella understood. "Much better than I have in a long time." She turned herself sideways so she could look me in the face. "And I want to tell you that at first, when I knew I was so attracted to you, I questioned myself again." She hesitated but kept gazing straight into my eyes. "Once you told me about yourself and your family, I worried that I had this...propensity for finding the wrong guy. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how untrue that was." I started shaking my head in sadness, but she put her hands on either side of my face and stopped me.

"No. Listen to me. Really hear me, okay? This is more honesty coming at you. I know the cost of not being honest. And now, I honestly know that I am where I should be, where I want to be. You need to know that I've thought this through, and that I'm not here to fight another lost cause or to prove God knows what to myself." Her voice was trembling. "I'm here because I want to be with you. I have never felt like this about anyone. I hope you want to be with me."

"How can you even question that?" I ran my hands up and down her arms. "Yes, I want to be with you. I'm very selfish, Bella. I know it's safer, better for you to date someone else, but I can't stand the very idea."

"You're not selfish! I want this too," she exclaimed.

It was my turn to be honest, since we were just on the topic of sex. "But there are some things that you will not have as long as we are together. Bella, I want to share everything with you, but I can't. Not everything. I want you to understand the things you'll be missing." I looked at her intently, hoping to convey my meaning.

Awareness showed on her face after a minute. "Because you want my blood so much."

"That's only a part of it. You know I'm strong, Bella. I could hurt you in a fraction of a second. Even if I could avoid the temptation of your blood, I could lose control in other ways. I could kill you. I can't take that chance."

She was silent for a moment, then she looked at me almost defiantly. "Why are you so certain you'd hurt me?"

I sighed. "You have no idea how fragile you are. When that station wagon almost crushed you, I was terrified that I'd hurt you when we hit the ground. I have to always be very careful that when I so much as take your hand, I don't grab too fast or squeeze too hard."

Maybe a visual aid would help her understand. "Just watch this." I jogged at vampire speed to the other side of the meadow so I was far away from where she sat, but close enough for her to see what I would do next. I stood next to a tree and put my palm against the trunk at chest level. With one quick flick of my wrist, I flexed my hand forward and the tree gave an earsplitting crack in protest. In less than a minute, it lay on the ground, split off at the bottom.

I walked back to where she sat, at human speed. Her eyes were large and thoughtful. "Okay, I see your point."

I joined her again on the grass. "I have to keep my focus each time I'm around you -- around any human, really, but it's you I'm most concerned about." Gently, I pulled her so she was sitting between my legs again, her back leaning against my chest. "If I became distracted just now and pulled you too hard, I would have tossed you like a rag doll clear across this meadow."

"Flying Bella," she said, smiling grimly.

"Don't even joke about that," I scolded her.

She sighed. "You sound so resigned."

"I don't want to hurt you, Bella. Ever. And because of that, there's no alternative."

"Are you sure?"

What was she getting at? "What do you mean?"

"Well," she said thoughtfully, "the first time you saw me, you said you nearly lost it because of the scent of my blood. Did you ever imagine a time when we would be sitting like this, and you would be as controlled as you are now?"

"It's different, just sitting here with you."

"But you couldn't have done this a few months ago, right? And being around me helps you get used to my scent, right?" she asked carefully.

Now I saw what she was getting at. "Bella, I don't think it's possible."

"I hate to see you dismiss it like that," she said softly, tearing at the grass again.

"Am I hurting your feelings?" I asked.

"A little. Yes," she replied, very quietly.

I turned her around so she could see me again. "You must never think I don't desire you. It isn't that at all," I said, mindful that she'd been insulted by a former lover, and she must feel especially sensitive about this. "I can't take the risk that I'd hurt you. I can only imagine that I'd lose control under those circumstances."

She was frowning and then she looked at me in surprise. " 'Can only imagine?' Edward, are you...?" She didn't finish the sentence, just looked at me, puzzled.

And waited for me to answer. I wish I'd thought of my wording better before I spoke. "What I mean is, sex between a vampire and a human is impossible. I know of a coven of vampires in Alaska, some of whom are female. They slept with human men, who died." I wasn't going to tell her, yet, that Tanya, Irina and Kate were not vegetarians at the time this happened, but have since abstained from human blood. I hoped the omission of this fact wouldn't come back to haunt me.

Unfortunately, Bella picked up on this. "Well, did they want to kill them?" she asked, frustrated.

"What do you mean?" I replied, trying to sound puzzled.

"You don't want to kill me. I would hope that would help your control," she pointed out.

"Bella, I've been a vampire for a very long time. I know what I need to be careful of by now," I said firmly.

"Do you remember your relationships from your human life?" she asked curiously.

"Not really." That was true, at least.

"Did you have a girlfriend?"

"I don't think so. I don't remember one. As I told you, all I can really recall are my parents, a little, and that I worked in my father's pharmacy."

She pressed her lips together and watched me, as if debating whether to say something. "So, you probably never had sex as a human."

"Those were different times, Bella. I was a young man around 1920." I started to feel as if all this could work against me somehow.

Suddenly she scurried quickly away from me, using her hands and feet to move like a hermit crab. Bella looked more panicked than I'd ever seen her.

"What is it?" I said, reaching out my hands to bring her back.

"Oh, my God, you probably think I'm a tramp!" she said, her voice shaking.

"What? No! Stop that!" I said, now in a panic myself.

Bella was crying. "Oh jeez, why did I tell you all this? Now you think I ran around sleeping with all these guys...oh, crap," she moaned.

I didn't want her to regret her honesty. I wanted so much to be the man who she felt free to run to any time she needed love or care. But truthfully, Bella had tapped into a small piece of doubt that was starting to fester. I wasn't sure how I felt about her sexual history. I was surely jealous of these other men who had a chance with her, even though I knew that their departure from her life helped bring her to me. I didn't know if I was distressed that she'd made love with other men but she couldn't with me, or simply that she'd had other men. I couldn't sort my feelings on this yet.

Here she was, crying, worrying that I thought less of her. I had to find a way to soothe her without lying.

"Bella. Bella. Please, come here," I said, softly and reassuringly. She didn't move, so I finally slid over to her and took her in my arms.

"I do not think you're a tramp. I understand you came of age in a different era than I did. I think, maybe what I'm feeling is jealousy," I told her. That was true, possibly even completely true. "You have no idea how much I want to give you," I said softly, stroking her face. "And I can't. That's at the root of everything. I can't be a good man...partner...lover for you," I added bitterly. "It kills me. Or it would, if I weren't already dead."

Bella stared at me, shocked. I mustered a mischievous smile, and finally she giggled. Then she placed her palm against my cheek and said, "Please. Don't make yourself out to be less than you are. I wish I could get you to believe how much you've done for me already." At least she was smiling now. "We'll work through this as we will everything else."

She grew serious again. "I mean it though, Edward. I've already told you this: I don't want to hear you criticize yourself like that. I wish you could see your own qualities. I mean, I've dated other men. Trust me, you're a jewel." Bella tilted her head, regarding me silently for a moment. I started to grow impatient, wondering what was really going through her head given the course of this conversation.

"I know you've forgiven Carlisle for what he did; I can see that. But now you need to forgive yourself," she said, almost pleading.

Stunned, I stared into her eyes. How was it she had only known me a short time, but she already saw the exact things that haunted me every day?

I could never let her go.

I leaned over and pulled her to me, a little rougher than I should have but still without hurting her. I heard her sniffling, so I tilted her head back with my index finger and let my gaze roam over her face. There were tears in her eyes, but she was smiling a little. I couldn't know for sure, of course, but she looked like a woman in love.

I kissed her as hard and as thoroughly as I dared.

A/N: Bella still has self-esteem issues. She can be strong and stand up for almost anyone but herself. I think a lot of women deal with the same thing.

Thanks so much to all of you who have read this far. I think we're more than halfway through, but I don't know for sure. I have to wait and see what Bella and Edward tell me about that. Also, Alice's shopping trip might take a long time; you know Alice. That'll come up in the next chapter.

Reviewers get their very own Adirondack chair made of Edward.