Love Is Always an Option

by MeilleurCafe

Bella Swan, a young registered pharmacist from New Jersey, takes a job in the Forks, WA hospital, determined to start her life over. She meets the handsome, brooding Edward Cullen, who also works in the hospital pharmacy...on the night shift, of course.

18. Edward, Chapter 9

I apologize for the length of time it took to get this chapter written! Once again, real life got the best of me.

Thanks to all of you who continue to read and review, and overall, support me. Special thanks to camilla, who helped with the citrus, and to my husband, who helps with everything else.

Chapter note: this begins as Edward is leaving Bella's apartment, on the evening of their day in the meadow.

Edward, Chapter 9

She loves me. She loves me.

Over and over, I remind myself of that. Nothing else should matter.

It was a relief to have that truth out, and to know for certain that Bella returns my feelings. I hadn't necessarily planned to tell her tonight, but given the difficulty of our conversation in the meadow, I wanted desperately to let her know how much she means to me. But I knew I used that truth to cover a half truth, if not an outright lie. I told her I love her to distract her from my pathetic misgivings. Over sex.

Thank whatever God there is that as Bella returned my declaration, we felt only love in that moment. I pushed aside my concern over how or why our background was different, and in that moment refused to worry about it. We were there together, in her little apartment, caught up in joy. My reluctance to leave Bella this evening wasn't only because I want to be with her so much. I knew that once I walked out her door, the doubt would return, as would the self-loathing for my inability to erase it.

I departed Bella's apartment in a silent car, not wanting my usual accompaniment of music. As the Volvo turned out of the driveway, I was already concerned that I'd hurt her, perhaps irrevocably. Already I missed her. Already I knew I loved her even more, if that was possible, for the courage she showed today.

Why wasn't that enough to negate one minute detail? Why was I letting it put a small blot on the greatest joy of my existence? Worry, perhaps, over how much it would get in the way? I lived through such aching loneliness, and finally the woman I adore told me she loves me too. I've wanted this for so long. I waited more than a century for Bella, and for a good part of that, I despaired that I would ever find her. Now, here I was, picking her apart.

She is perfect for me despite our obvious differences -- despite the fact that I am far from perfect for her. She accepts me wholly and unequivocably, down to the murderous instincts and monstrous traits that no one should tolerate, let alone embrace. This commitment we share makes us a couple, partners -- mates, even. And I risked ruining it with my caustic doubts and egoism.

I don't think I could go on without her. I had already become spoiled by Bella's easy acceptance of my predatory nature, my lifestyle, my cold, freakish skin. She has no idea how easy it is to love her in return. Bella constantly questioned her desirability, her own worth, even, and though my assurances were sincere, she knew her history troubled me. Her words from the earliest part of today taunted me, running through my mind in a continuous loop:

You never expect or want me to be anyone but exactly who I am. You have no idea how important that is to me -- what a great gift that is.

A simple, principled and impassioned statement, and the most ardent sentiment I could ever want to hear from someone I love. Bella clearly told me the one thing I could provide in the midst of everything I had to deny her, and I was withholding it now. Despite all that she'd already given me, I could not forget the discrepancy between us that surpassed even my immortality and her humanity.

I was failing her.

On some level, I'd realized that as a 24 year-old woman in modern society, Bella would likely have some sexual experience. Hearing her talk about the men, though, felt like a thousand sharp stabs even as I awaited each word, wanting to know every page of her history.

I loved a woman who was...not pure? How could I judge Bella that way? She was goodness personified. So she'd made mistakes. Hadn't I made a few -- a few thousand, to be sure?

And of course, there was the incidental fact that my sexual experience amounted to nothing. As Bella ate her dinner and we talked, she pointed out the overriding truth about the situation. It was as accurate as if she had read my mind.

"I feel like the whole conversation has made things uneven in a way that bugs you," she said directly. "You may be vampire and I may be human, but you're still a guy and I'm still a girl. I have experience that you don't, and aside from whether you even approve if it, you're disturbed by that difference."

Once again, she zeroed in on the essence of whatever hung suspended between us.

I didn't want this to overshadow all the happiness we could surely have, but I agonized that I was powerless to stop it. Bella was so optimistic. Time and again she demonstrated a faith in me that I never saw in myself, and I was always surprised to see she was right. Now, she needed me to take the lead on having faith. She would wait for me to prove to her that her past didn't diminish the sanctity of my love. I wanted very much to be the man who could do that, but I wasn't sure I trusted myself. I didn't know if I could push away the thought of who else had held her or, oh God, been intimate with her, each time I kissed her.

Especially because we were so limited in our own physical relationship. So, I was back to jealousy.

I maneuvered the car into the garage and entered the house, wondering who was home. Carlisle and Esme must have gone out; Emmett and Rosalie were watching a movie downstairs. Emmett gave a brief wave and a smile, and Rose barely glanced at me before turning away with a snort. I detected Alice and Jasper on the second floor.

I ran up the stairs lightly at human speed, and was met at the top by an unexpected blur.

Thwack! Alice smacked me in the arm with the heel of her hand.

"Hey!" I hadn't been paying attention to her thoughts very much on my way to my room. She was reading a book rather loudly in her head, no doubt to disguise her planned ambush.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwackthwackthwack! She pounded me relentlessly. "Alice, what the hell--Stop hitting me!"

She growled, "If you screw this up, I will kill you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked even though I was certain I knew.

Alice dragged me down the hall and into my room. "Quit brooding!" she snapped. "You are going to overthink this and RUIN IT. Before Bella and I have even been shopping, probably!"

"Alice--"

She stood there glaring at me, and instead of speaking, communicated by thought. Don't you dare allow this to change anything of how you feel about Bella. Are you looking for some reason to break up with her?

"What? You don't know what you're saying," I whispered through gritted teeth.

I think I do. I saw what happened in the meadow.

"Alice, I'm terrified of hurting or killing her."

I'm not talking about that. Believe it or not I'm sympathetic to your concerns. I'm referring to what Bella told you. Edward! Don't be a jerk! She exhaled and took a threatening step toward me.

"You know I love her."

Then you'd better mean what you told her in her apartment. She's done everything for you. You have never been happy -- no, get that look off your face and listen to me -- She's given you such peace, and I don't want to see you lose that over something as senseless as outdated sexist crap.

I sighed. "I promise you, I won't. I just have to sort it out in my own head."

Alice spoke again. "You'd better do that fast, or become an even better liar than you are. You know she'll see through you."

I nodded. "Oh, yes. She will."

Alice's expression softened a bit. Think about this, Edward. Do you know anyone who is more moral than Bella? Aside from Carlisle?

Thanks, Sis, for adding weight to my already overfed guilt. "No, I don't. It's part of why I love her."

And what are the other reasons? Because she knows you and she loves you anyway? She accepts you exactly as you are, right? Are you going to deny her the same consideration?

"I know. I know. I know I know I KNOW. I can't just turn off the way I've been for more than 100 years."

She narrowed her eyes. Figure it out, Edward.

Then, in typical Alice fashion, her temper abated and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

I hugged her. "Thanks for, um, keeping it in your thoughts."

With a final smack -- lighter than the others -- Alice returned to her room and Jasper. I put on some music, now longing for the serenity it provided.

Only one person can calm me as effectively, and that is Bella. It was amazing how something so fraught with tension and uncertainty could also bring about the greatest peace I'd had in my immortal existence. When I first met Bella and had to be concerned with what she knew about us, I was extremely frustrated that I couldn't automatically read her mind. I still felt that on occasion. But the more time I spent with her, the more I discovered an upside to it that I hadn't considered. When she and I were together, the silence was blissful. There was no continuous chattering and noise. It was just Bella and I, and the only time I heard anything was if one of us spoke. Bella was not the type to talk if she didn't have something she felt was important to say. I didn't know I'd been missing that until I had it. Maybe that was one of the reasons I fell in love with her, for the respite her mere presence afforded me.

Alice didn't know Bella as well as I did, but she knew precisely that Bella would see through any pretenses I made of suddenly accepting everything she told me. From the start, Bella asked --demanded, actually -- that I tell her when something was bothering me, especially if it would not heal or go away by itself. At least we'd already started exploring this together.

Startled, I realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Bella and I could work on it together. That gave me hope.

I was leaving for work when Alice grabbed me again. Thankfully, she didn't hit me this time. "Edward!" she squealed. "At the end of the week, it'll be so much better!"

"What's that, Alice?"

"You're going to sleep over at Bella's on Friday night!"

"What?" A sleepover for anyone past the age of 12 has certain connotations. I do not think that means what you think it means, I said to myself wryly.

"You must have been daydreaming about spending more time with her. Or maybe she was thinking about you. Anyway, I suddenly saw the two of you on her bed, and then the lights went off and Bella fell asleep while you read." Alice saw my shocked expression and said, "Don't worry. Nothing happens, good or bad. I mean," she added hastily, "you guys just have a nice time together. I guess then I'll pick her up the next morning and we'll take off."

I considered this. "Instead of coming home Friday night and returning with you on Saturday, I just stay there?"

Alice sighed. "Didn't I just say that? Yes. You'll be there all night. About time, too -- you spend almost every free moment there anyway." She danced down the stairs to find Rose.

When Friday arrived, I did stay overnight, at Bella's invitation -- for some reason, that cheered me -- and it was wonderful. Sweet. Intimate without being intimate. I'd forgotten how I loved watching her sleep.

I was also irrationally proud that her slumber was tranquil while I was there. She didn't seem to suffer from any nightmares. About halfway through the night, she sighed and turned on her other side. Bella pursed her lips comically, and then smiled. "Edward," she said softly. The space that was often so empty inside me began to fill again, without stopping.

I moved down from my seated position against the headboard and gently stroked her cheek with the back of my hand. Fearful I'd wake her with my icy touch, I reluctantly pulled back after a minute but could not resist kissing her forehead and along her jaw. At times like these I believed I'd be quite satisfied if our physical relationship didn't advance any further. This, it seemed, was more than rewarding.

But not always. There were moments when I looked at Bella and suddenly wished she and I could make up for all the lost time of my immortality and my human years, my old-fashioned principles be damned. One evening she was standing at the kitchen sink, the rear of her slender frame facing me. I imagined gently grasping her small waist, spanning my fingers so I was encasing all of her lower back. I could do that safely enough, but my mind didn't stop there, and I knew the rest of me wouldn't either. I wanted to move my hands first down, and then up, to feel her completely under my palms and fingers. I would touch her intensely... lovingly...worshipfully, showing her the respect she deserved but had never received from other men. I wanted to see and feel what has been denied to me since we've been together -- denied most cruelly, because it was my own abnormality which kept us physically apart. There were so many harsh realities Bella had to live with as long as we were together. For now, though, she remained silent on this particular point after that Sunday. I wondered when it would come up again.

Faith the cat wandered over and watched me from the bedroom doorway with a wary eye. She usually slept on the bed, so she was probably annoyed that I'd usurped her rightful place, and she wouldn't join us. I couldn't get close to any females in this apartment.

I knew Bella wanted to rise early enough to shower and eat breakfast before Alice arrived, so I planned to cook for her. She loves eggs, and they're easy enough to prepare. I might not eat, but thanks to my senses, I can perceive when food is properly seasoned and cooked. I fed Faith, relying on the patient hope that this would enable her to trust me, and put up a pot of coffee.

A short time later, I heard Bella stirring in her bedroom. I flipped the eggs and waited, eager to see the expression on her face. She entered the kitchen, blinking in the light, and stared at me in astonishment. I enjoyed surprising her like this; it seemed obvious that she wasn't used to such thoughtful treatment. Her loving appreciation kept me smiling like a fool all morning.

Alice came to get her, and after a stern warning from me that she wasn't to wear Bella out, I watched them drive away. I'd miss her today but I enjoyed the idea that the two of them would get to know each other and have fun together. Among all my family members, Alice is probably most supportive of my love for Bella. Her calm acceptance boosted my optimism, although I wasn't certain if Alice felt that way because she remained convinced that Bella would become immortal.

I moved halfheartedly from one thing to another during the day, playing music, reading, doing research online and then going back to the piano. Finally, Bella texted me to let me know she and Alice were on their way back to Forks. I'm so glad you'll be home soon, I replied. I hope all future shopping sabbaticals are shorter.

My feet are in complete agreement. I can't wait to see you. I feel like it's been days, not hours, she replied.

I smiled; I knew exactly what she meant. It was as if a missing part of me was running around the Seattle metro area while I remained behind, trying to get through the afternoon on my own. I know. Me too. I'll be waiting.

It was even harder to be patient now. An hour after Bella's last text, I detected Alice's car on the highway, and I dashed to the front of the garage, awaiting the return of my life, my love, my fulfillment.

Bella made a show of collapsing in my arms when she stepped out of the Mercedes, loaded down with shopping bags. "Must...stay...strong..." she gasped. "Take...bags...Tell...family...I...love...them..."

Alice scowled at her playfully. "Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad!"

I held onto a limp Bella and said, "If you're feeling strong enough, we have your dinner ready."

Bella immediately straightened up and hoisted the bags, her eyes suddenly energetic. "Food! Why didn't you say so?" She started toward the door but I pulled her back as Alice walked ahead of us, disappearing into the house.

"Hey there...dinner will keep." I set the bags down next to her. "May I give you a proper welcome home?"

"I thought you'd never ask." She flung her arms around me and stared into my eyes, smiling deliciously. "I've been waiting for this since the last time I kissed you, about nine hours ago." I inhaled with sharp anticipation, feeling the attendant flames rise in my throat and the venom start to pool. I didn't care. Those reactions meant she was close to me again. I bent my head in search of her lips, meeting her halfway. I could feel her smile until our kiss intensified, my mouth prodding and hers willing, and then restraint became almost impossible. I slowly pulled back and took her hand in one of mine, picked up all the shopping bags with the other, and led her inside.

Esme had prepared roasted chicken and some vegetables, and she sat in the kitchen with Bella and I while Bella recounted the shopping trip. She obviously enjoyed her time with Alice but wasn't above joking about Alice's single-minded pursuit of everything in the mall. Esme and I laughed as she described my sister darting through upscale stores, dodging overzealous sales assistants and scolding Bella for choosing boring clothes.

After Bella ate, we headed upstairs to my room, only to be confronted again by Alice. She insisted that Bella try on the clothes they'd purchased. Bella seemed reluctant, and I could see she was tired, so I tried to intervene on her behalf.

"I'm sure I'll see them as she wears them, Alice. Let her decompress now," I admonished my sister.

"If she knows you like them, she'll be sure to wear them right away. Come on, Bella. It won't take long and then I'll leave the two of you alone, I promise," Alice pleaded.

Bella smiled and said, "Oooo-kay." She sounded like Eeyore.

I frowned. "You don't have to do this now," I said reassuringly.

"No, really, I'm fine. We got some great stuff. I want to show you while Alice is here to provide the proper commentary," she replied, shooting a teasing glance Alice's way.

It would be interesting to see what they chose. I hoped Alice didn't talk Bella into anything she genuinely didn't want. It would be like Bella to agree in order to spare Alice's feelings, especially since they were just getting to know each other.

Still..."Are you sure?" I asked, looking at Bella intently.

"Absolutely. Excuse me while I adjourn to the dressing room," she said, and headed for my bathroom.

Alice turned to me with a smirk on her face. She has good taste, Edward, she thought. I raised my eyebrows. That was high praise, coming from Alice.

Really, she insisted. It's a little too conservative, but I'll work on that.

"Don't you dare," I said threateningly, low enough that Bella could never hear me. "She's perfect the way she is." I glared at Alice to let her know I wasn't kidding.

Oh, don't worry, she continued, waving her hand at me. I won't have her looking like a Seattle hooker. I'll just try to get her to wear a little more color. She sighed. Bella has no problem sticking up for herself. I could not talk her into anything with animal prints. She absolutely hates them.

"Good," I said with satisfaction. "That sort of clothing wouldn't do her justice."

Not too crazy about jewelry, either, Alice added. But...she did say she likes pearls. She thinks a simple, one-strand pearl choker is 'elegant and pretty'.

My head snapped around toward my sister, a grin spreading across my face. You're welcome, she thought.

Bella came out in a beautiful sweater and dress slacks. The top was a little tighter than most clothes I'd seen her wear, but it wasn't inappropriate. I couldn't help but appreciate how the material gently clung to her curves, even though on some level, that depressed me. I wanted to appreciate it more, with no boundaries.

"She picked out this outfit herself," Alice said proudly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "And this year, I get to sit at the grownups' table instead of with the kids for Thanksgiving," she grumbled. She was smiling, though.

I walked over to her and took her hands. "You look lovely. Even if Alice dressed you in sackcloth and ashes, you'd be beautiful."

She blushed and ducked her head, then looked at me up through her lashes. "Thank you," she whispered.

"What, no self-deprecating comeback? Alice, who is this woman and what have you done with my Bella?" I teased.

Bella raised her chin and stared into my eyes. "I'm learning to appreciate your compliments," she explained quietly.

I interpreted that as meaning she felt reassured when I complimented her, as if that would help ease the pain I caused with my doubts. I'd do it all day and all night if I thought it would make a difference.

Alice finally departed and Bella changed into more comfortable clothing. I asked her what music she'd like to hear.

"Do you have any Frank Sinatra...why am I even asking? You have every singer who's ever recorded, right?"

I chuckled. "I probably do. Are you feeling homesick for New Jersey?" I loaded a CD, and Frank's voice soothed with "The Very Thought of You."

"No...yes," she confessed. "I miss the general Jersey-ness sometimes. Mostly, I miss the pizza and my friends and family."

"What's wrong with Washington State pizza?"

"If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand." She plopped down on the wide sofa next to me.

"Maybe you should go back."

She blinked at me, startled and then uncertain. "To visit, I mean." I frowned at her. "You can't seriously think I'd mean you should go back permanently?"
Bella looked away for a few seconds. Oh, no. "Please, don't turn away from me." I guided her chin back with my index finger so she faced me. "If you went back there, or anywhere, I would follow you. I wouldn't even need your scent to find you. I would know where you are, and I would be right there with you." I knew this was true, even though I'd carry my nagging doubts as luggage.

"Would you come with me?" Her eyes widened as if she'd said this without thinking, and her heartbeat suddenly took off.

I was shocked, then pleased. "I'd love to go to New Jersey with you." I hesitated. "Would I get to meet some of those friends and family?"

"Oh, yes, definitely," Bella replied, nodding. "No pizza, though."

"Thanks." I thought more about this. Memorial Day weekend would be here in a few weeks; that might be a good time to go.
"You'd really do it?" She looked surprised.
"Of course. Why not? I'd enjoy seeing where you grew up."

She smiled, and I could tell she was already starting to plan it. "My friends and family would love to meet you, too. I've told them a lot about you."

Intrigued, I asked, "Really?"

Bella blushed. "Well, sure. I e-mail them a lot. They're very happy that I'm happy."

I pulled Bella to her feet to dance. "I'm not exactly wearing appropriate dance attire," she said, laughing.
"You don't have to wear anything for dancing...okay, that didn't exactly come out right," I chuckled while Bella regarded me as if I'd taken leave of my senses. "I mean, I'll dance with you no matter what you're wearing." She stepped closer to me and lay her head against my chest, and I wrapped my arm around her waist. In my other hand, I grasped Bella's and clutched it near my shoulder.

The Chairman of the Board continued to serenade us.

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you

You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near you

Music is truth.

"I've forgotten how tired you are," I said softly. "I probably shouldn't have dragged you up and made you dance."

"Mmmm...no, I like it," Bella said, taking her hand down and encircling my waist with both arms. "I missed you today. Even though I knew I'd see you tonight, I really felt your absence." She pulled her head away from my chest and stared in my eyes. "Is that crazy or what?"

"Not crazy at all," I assured her, brushing her bangs across her forehead. "I always feel the same. I miss you to the point of aching when you're not with me."

She hugged me and rested her head on top of my heart again. "Stay with me here tonight," I urged before I had the chance to think it through.

Surprised, Bella halted her movements. "What, here? With you?"

Somewhat self-conscious at blurting that out, I joked, "No, in the room down the hall with Carlisle and Esme." I hugged her briefly and said, "Yes, with me. Unless you'd be too uncomfortable on my sofa."

"Your sofa's more like a daybed, so I think I'll manage." Then she frowned. "But Faith--"

"I gave her extra food and water before I left this morning."

"Huh! You like that cat, don't you?" Bella chuckled.
"Oh, I suppose," I mused. "Mostly, I had a feeling you'd want to leave early if you thought she didn't have enough to eat, so I took care of it."

"Yet another manifestation of your perfection," she murmured, smiling against my chest.
The song ended, and I realized it was getting late. I grabbed a few of the blankets and pillows that Esme always kept in a hall linen closet. "Will these be enough?"
Bella laughed. "Edward, they'd be enough if I was sleeping outside."

I spread a fleece across the lounge and arranged the pillows and blankets on top while Bella used the washroom. Was the heat turned up enough? I checked the thermostat and raised it a few degrees so she would stay warm enough.

The door opened and Bella was outlined as a dark figure in the doorway, against the light of the bathroom. I'd loaned Bella one of my tee shirts, which was ridiculously large and adorable on her. It came almost to her knees, and I was suprised to see she'd removed her sweatpants. I assumed she would keep them on, as she usually wore bottoms in her apartment. It made me nervous, all of a sudden.
I had turned off lights in the bedroom and sat on the couch with a book, waiting for her. She flicked the switch in the bathroom, and my eyes could distinguish her in the dark with her head down while her feed padded softly on the hardwood floor.
I threw back one of the blankets as an invitation, and she slipped alongside me, her back facing my front. I stretched out parallel to her, one arm below her and one above, so I could hold her around her waist. My throat flared and burned as I buried my nose in her hair, more content than I have ever been in my large bedroom. I really should get a bed, I thought.

"How long have you lived here?" she asked quietly.

"About four years," I replied, stroking her soft hands with my fingers.

"It's such a beautiful home."

I swallowed some venom, debating if this was the time for reality. "At some point, we'll have to leave." I could feel her tense up immediately.

"Why? What do you mean?" Her voice was a little shaky.
"People will notice we haven't aged. We'll need to move somewhere else and start over," I explained.
"Oh. Right." She sighed. "I guess you're pretty much forced to be nomads."
"You could say that."

Bella squirmed around so she was facing me. Her movement pushed the blanket down between us. "I know it's something you have to do, but I don't want to even think about it."

Neither did I. "We have plenty of time. It's not going to be tomorrow."

"Another conversation we'll have to have in the future, I guess."
I wanted to change the subject. "I have a conversation I'd like to start now."
"Okay, shoot."

"I notice you never refer to me as anything but Edward -- not your boyfriend, or anything like that. Why not?" This had bothered me for awhile.

"That word doesn't do it justice," she said, her gaze soft and loving. "I'm not sure the right term has been invented to explain what you are to me. 'Boyfriend' is just woefully insignificant."

My heart, or whatever took its place, soared. At the same time, my conscience crashed from my ambivalent feelings over her sexual history. I brushed that away and fit my palm against her cheek. "We'll have to make up our own."

"Excellent idea," she agreed. "Boyfriend-plus sounds awkward. Let's come up with something better."

We were silent for a few seconds while I played with her hair. "Edward?"

"Yes."

"When you leave, I want to go with you."

Shocked, I dropped my hand. Bella's chin trembled, and I knew she misinterpreted my action, so I pulled her closer to me.

"I don't ever want to be without you. I don't know how we'll do it, but we'll find a way to stay together," I vowed, my own voice shaking with emotion.

She tucked her head under my jaw and lay against my neck. I could feel her tears. "I know we don't have very many choices. I have to be prepared for that."

"Bella-" I whispered. I thought I knew what she was getting at. Alice's vision played out for me again, uncomfortably.

She shook her head. "Don't close me down on this. Just know that I will do whatever it takes to be with you."

"We don't have to discuss this now," I assured her. "I want us to enjoy what we have." I leaned over and kissed her, savoring her soft and pliant mouth. She opened her lips slightly and I grew cautious, worried that my sharp teeth would get in the way. Instead, she gently drew my bottom lip between her own teeth and sucked on it, eliciting a groan that rumbled though my chest.

Bella's hands left my waist and threaded through my hair, tugging gently but becoming more frantic. Her breathing grew ragged; her heart galloped, and she moved even closer to me. She started to release my lip and without thinking I lunged at her, now covering her lips with mine, unwilling to release her. The frustration of wanting more, of loving her so much but having to turn her away every time, was overwhelming. Passion, anger and torment brought me right to the edge, and I pulled back before I acted out and hurt her. She whimpered at the distance between us; though physically small, the need to stop made it seem like a chasm.

Moving back to me, Bella's lips touched the corner of my mouth, then traveled firmly along my jaw. Without thinking, I turned my head to the side to grant her the access she feverishly wanted, and she moved down my throat, kissing every inch along the side. As she reached closer to my neck her lips opened and I felt her tongue dart out, licking at the hollow of my throat and then over my collarbone.

Involuntarily, I kept moaning. I felt my control slipping. My bloodlust was secondary to another lust that took over every inch of me. With Bella in my arms and her searing tongue on my skin, I felt like a man, like someone desirable. My barren existence had never known such warmth and love, all from the marvelous woman who willingly lay here in my arms. Could I let it go on, a little longer, just a little bit...

I turned my head back toward Bella and kissed her gently on the top of her head. She sighed against my neck, her breath mixing with the moisture where her tongue had worked on me only seconds ago. "Edward..." she protested softy.

"No, Bella."

"Why?" The sadness in her voice tore at me.

"I can't risk--"

She grabbed my hand and swiftly brought it to her breast. "We'll never know until we try, though, will we?" Now her voice was frustrated, angry.
I sucked in a breath and drew back my hand. "Bella!" I said stiffly.
Her shoulders slumped in resignation. "All right," she said quietly, turning so her back was against my chest.
"No. Come back here," I said.
"Make up your mind, Edward." I caught the scent of her tears and heard them as she spoke.
"Stop. Please," I begged her.
She turned back to face me and pulled the blanket up, sobbing a little. "This is so hard," she said through her tears. "I love you so much, Edward, I really do, and being rejected like this...I know I said..." She stopped for a moment. "You don't want me," she said simply.
I was shaking my head in miserable disagreement before she'd even finished that last sentence. "No, Bella, nothing could be further from the truth," I whispered. "I desire you, I need you, and I want to love you more." Then, grinning, I added, "Surely you can feel how much I want you at this moment."
Thankfully, she smiled. "That only makes it more difficult," she said.
I stroked her hair. My beautiful, human, hormonally-charged Bella. "I would rather know you are alive and unharmed than give in and regret hurting you," I said emphatically.
She was silent, and I had one of those moments where I thought I would go mad from not knowing her thoughts. "What is it?" I asked.
"This doesn't have anything to do with our conversation about my past, does it?" she asked haltingly.
"No. It does not." And that was true; my physical desire for her left those stupid doubts behind for the moment. "You have no idea how much I want you." I shook my head. "I cannot understand why you don't see how desirable you are, Bella."
"It doesn't help when your more-than-boyfriend keeps turning you away," she said.
I was beginning to see the depths of her hurt now. "Bella, you are warm and loving and sexy and playful and wonderful," I said, gathering her hands up in mine.
"There's a big 'but' in there," she said.
"I want to keep you safe. I could not live if anything happened to you and I was the cause of it," I said.
"You're afraid," she said.
"Yes! That's what I'm trying to tell you," I said, relieved that she finally seemed to be getting it.
"That's not the kind of fear I'm talking about. You're afraid of sex for other reasons."
I pulled my head back. "What do you mean?"

"Are you seriously worried that I would judge you over sex? Compare you, somehow?" She waited for my response.

"Um. Let's not forget there are other vampires in this house who are also awake, and who are capable of hearing every word here," I cautioned her.

"Don't try to distract me. Let them hear. I'll bet it's nothing they haven't already thought, correct?" I was silent.

"Edward," she said. "Am I right about this?" I had no response.

Bella sighed. "Okay. Don't say anything. That's my answer." She watched me briefly before continuing.

"Since you won't talk, I will. And I don't care who else is listening," she added. "You still don't see everything you are. You're so unfair to yourself. When I told you those other experiences were a disappointment, it was because the men didn't want me. Physically -- yeah, sure, for the moment they did. But they didn't care about the rest of me. You do. I feel safe with you. And to me, that wipes out everything. Everything else, especially the sex -- it doesn't count. I can't make it so it never happened, but to me it doesn't matter. Because you're the first man I've really loved, you're the first, period." Her eyes held love and concern and hope as she tensed and waited for me.

With a muffled cry, I pulled her to me roughly, because I could not get her next to me fast enough. I buried my face in her hair, and she clutched at my shoulders. The need to protect and the need to take, warring again within me...monster and man. Tonight, I would let the man win, and take. Taking for me meant giving to Bella. I could do that, at least a little. I could do that enough for her.

Tilting my head down, I nuzzled her neck with my lips and nose. I ran my hands up and down along the sides of her body, relishing the shape of her curves even through the baggy tee shirt. I worked my way down past her ribs, feeling the way her waist flared out to her hips. Finally, now, I enjoyed her with my sense of touch, instead of just my eyes. My fingers pressed into her flesh along her hip bones, firmly but without hurting her, hungry to know her this way. I moved past her hips and smoothed my hands around her bottom, the shapeliest part of her body, and God if she didn't emit the most sensuous sound I'd ever heard.

"Bella, this can't..."

"Hhmm," she gasped. "We don't have to. Just....let yourself have this, Edward."

She gave me the permission I couldn't give myself. I edged my hands underneath the tee shirt and felt the glory of her soft skin in the small of her back, along a part of her body that was new to me. I explored along the edge of her underwear but didn't breach that barrier. Not tonight. As I returned my hands up her back, Bella nodded. She understood I still had to have limits.

Within the self-imposed restraint, though, there was still plenty to explore. And I would enjoy mapping her body with my hands and my fingertips, storing this wealth of sensation in my perennial memory. The wonder of it all, the newness, was overwhelming. This was all so...yes, exciting, because it was the first time for me with any of this, yet I knew it would never mean anything if it wasn't Bella here underneath my hands, encouraging me.

I worried briefly that my cold skin would chill her, then decided that if it did, she would have said so. Only my touch seemed to register with her, not the iciness of it. My amazing Bella.

Wanting to prolong this, I trailed my fingertips around to the front, slowly stroking her stomach with my full hands. She cried out in a low voice, then panted, waiting to feel what I would do next. I used my right hand to hold her along her back, bracing her, while my left hand palmed all of her from the top of her underwear to the middle of her ribcage. I felt another throaty, half-sob, half-groan come from the depths of her body as I stroked and moved higher, grazing the bottom of her left breast.

I hesitated, moving my thumb along the skin that was so familiar and yet so different, and Bella whispered, "Please." With that, I cupped the full weight of her breast, and it was as if she welcomed me home.

Bella whimpered and grasped my shirt, and I could feel her shaking. I knew it was unfair because I wouldn't bring it that much further, but the other, new monster in me was craving this too much. It was love and passion and lust, but not dirty or disgraceful, because how could it be? It was me and Bella.

I used my right hand along her back to gently push her further into my left, where my thumb was stroking her nipple. I tried to get back into God's good graces Her other breast -- Mother Nature is brilliant, granting women two of them -- demanded equal time, and I reverently complied. I may have been too hasty when I thought her rear was the most shapely part of her.

Then I noticed that Bella's legs were getting restless. She squirmed and opened her knees, capturing my right leg between them. Now I had to think about stopping, when all I could focus on was Bella, and want and need. This was what it was like to feel heaven. I knew I wouldn't go to heaven, so I wanted it here on earth. I had it, and I had to give it up in this moment. It was agonizing -- all my senses, so thoroughly caught up in my love, were fighting my responsibility. Trembling with the effort, I slowed the rhythm of my touch on her breasts, letting her know that we had to change the pace.

Her heartbeat ran ahead of her shallow, rapid breathing, and I caressed her breasts, regretfully for the last time now, before moving my hands down and back outside of the shirt. She stretched her legs out and moved them slightly away from mine, her respirations returning to normal. We lay quietly, and I felt her smile before a calm sigh left her lips. I smoothed my hand over her cheek and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Better than ever," she breathed. "Are you okay?"

"Better than ever," I replied.

She kissed me softly. "Thank you," she said, her words purely heartfelt.

"You were right," I told her.

"Thank you for that, too."

Another minute went by and Bella mumbled, "Need a moment. Be right back." She left the couch for the bathroom, staggering slightly along the way.

And then I heard it: the echo of reactions from around the house. Emmett, chuckling and pumping his fist in the air. Rosalie, smirking and thinking, Now you know how it feels to have your most intimate moments broadcast. Alice, with a lovely beatific smile, and Jasper, trying to cover his grin, before they turned to each other for their own communion. Carlisle and Esme, their minds consumed with nondescript meditative thoughts, graciously trying to give us some privacy. I closed my eyes and sighed as Bella returned, looking at me questioningly.

She would be mortified if she remembered right now that everyone knew. "Just reveling in the afterglow," I said, and held my arms out to welcome her back.

Bella snuggled up against me, facing me now, and settled on to a pillow. "Can I keep this tee shirt?" she asked drowsily.

"Certainly. May I ask why?"

"Sentimental reasons. Plus, it smells like you." In minutes, she was fast asleep.

***

It had been awhile since I hunted. I told Bella on Wednesday night that I would stop over and see her on Thursday after she returned from work, but I wouldn't stay. I knew she had to depart for La Push and her tutoring class, so Thursday seemed a good night for me to hunt. Lately, I kept silent over my worries about the wolves on the reservation. Bella had returned home after each lesson unharmed, and I tried not to let my concerns ruin her independence. I knew it was important to her.

Larry had also asked me to work the day shift on Friday. Janice requested an extra day off to visit her family again for a long weekend. This meant Bella and I would work together that day, and we'd probably be together at night, if she wished. Twenty-four hours with Bella would be absolute heaven. I could cook her some perfect meals, bring her more music (despite her wretched audio system, which I still had every intention of upgrading), or maybe even take her out somewhere in the evening.

About a week ago, Bella hesitantly told me that Rick's fiancee had more or less guessed that Bella had someone significant in her life, but had agreed not to mention our relationship to Rick. "If we're going to be working together, he'll notice. Rick's no dummy," she said.

"I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't tell him," I said.

She shrugged. "It isn't as if I don't want people to know about us. I wasn't sure if somehow this would cause problems for you or your family."

I nodded. "I doubt that would happen because of Rick."

Bella must have said something to him because he didn't appear surprised that we arrived at work together Friday morning. After a minute he looked astonished, and I heard him think, I've never seen him smile like that. Or her, come to think of it. Good to see they're both so happy. I lowered my head and tried to hide my even-wider grin.

He greeted us with, "Good morning, slackers. Do you realize you're only seven minutes early, instead of ten?"

"What are you doing here before 8 a.m.? How much drive-by Starbucks have you had?" Bella teased.

I hung up our coats and dropped my tote on my desk. Bella was wearing a lovely red dress from her shopping expedition with Alice. It was somewhat form-fitting, enough to hint at the perfection of her figure; and the color was a beautiful complement to her skin and hair. I'd be distracted by her all day, especially when she stood up. Already, I had a hard time paying attention to anything else.

So did Rick. Wow. That's a new look for her. Very nice. If he wasn't so committed to his fiancee, he'd be in trouble.

She's really pretty, especially because she doesn't realize it. I was less annoyed by this accuracy.

Bella started chatting with Rick, and she made the mistake of asking about the wedding.

He groaned. "Please, can we not talk about it? I would really like this to be a wedding-free zone."

Bella looked surprised. "Something wrong?"
"Only that Ellen is on it 24-7. She's consumed. I've never seen her so single-minded. It's like she's gone into this domestic frenzy." Rick winced. "I can't even bring up another subject."

"Well, it's the biggest day in a woman's life," Bella said, pushing her purse into her desk drawer. "Of course she's excited. And knowing Ellen, she'll want everything to be perfect."

"And meaningful. And beautiful. And romantic. And family-oriented. And detailed," he added.

"And you?" I asked.

"At this point, I'd be happy with a ceremony at the rec center officiated by the tribe's shaman."
"I advise against suggesting that to Ellen," Bella said.
"Oh, don't worry. I hardly talk to her anyway. I just listen. Or pretend to," Rick said glumly.
Bella walked around to where Rick sat, grabbing some assignments he'd left next to his keypad. She patted his shoulder. "Hey, it won't last. It'll be over in, what, six or eight...um, a few weeks, right?" She tried to cheer him up. "Plus, you get a vacation out of it. The honeymoon's gotta be great!"

"I sure hope so. There has to be some payoff after all this," he replied. Bella frowned at him in disapproval. That came out wrong, he thought. "I mean, after all this work, it'll be good to not be on any kind of schedule, and just have time to ourselves."

"Sure. That's kind of the purpose, isn't it?" Bella asked.

For the second or third or hundredth time since Bella and I have been together, I thought about marriage. I had come to want it more than anything. In a perfect world, I would marry her in a flash. In our imperfect world, it was impossible, even if she would have me.

But marrying Bella meant she would be mine. To me, that was worth more than anything on earth or in heaven. And it would go a long way toward erasing my other concerns. Would it ease my anxiety if she agreed to marry me? Of course, it wouldn't solve the problem of sex now -- in fact, it would bring it front and center.

Would she even consider being my wife? My wife Bella. Bella Cullen. Mrs. Edward Cullen. I sounded like a fantasy-riddled teenager writing the name of my big crush over and over again on my school folders.

"Earth to Edward," Bella said, teasing. "Mind telling me where you were just now?"

"Just wondering--" The thoughts of a visitor coming down the hall changed my tone immediately. Reactively, I growled.

Bella looked alarmed but quickly masked her concern. The cause of my mood swing made his presence known at the pharmacy window.

"Hey Bella! How are you?" It was Tom Boylan, would-be Bella swain, in all his insincere glory.

"Oh...hi Tom." She smiled politely at him but couldn't seem to muster much else. She didn't leave her desk, and the silence lay there in the room.

"Um...could I talk to you?" Tom asked, oblivious to Bella's reluctance.

"I'm kind of busy," Bella said, motioning to the prescriptions she was sorting. She smiled apologetically.

"Really, it'll only take a minute." This ninny could not take a hint. He was about to ask her on a date again. It was all I could do to refrain from throttling him. That would be among the best five seconds of my immortality.

When Bella stood up, Tom thought, Damn! I knew she had it. Hell, that dress really shows off her--

---aaaaaand I almost blew my cover right then and there. The low growl in my chest became louder. She glanced at me quickly, and her eyes suddenly lit up. Distracted, I thought, Wait, she isn't glad to see him, is she? Complete mischief took over her features as she casually put an arm around me and leaned over to kiss me.

"Make this a good one," she whispered. I stood up, grabbed her around the waist, dipped her sideways and kissed her passionately, then calmly turned to Rick -- who was nearly choking from holding in laughter -- and handed over completed prescription forms.

Bella strolled to the window. "So, what's up, Tom?"

He was stunned, his eyes blinking and wide. "Well, I was going to...Never mind. Thanks." He walked away, his thoughts a confused jumble. What the...Cullen? Naw. Was that for real? Oh, yes, Tom. And you'll never know how great it was.

Bella walked back to her desk, brushing her hands together as if she'd just completed a dirty task, which, really, she had.

"Well, so much for you not having a mean-spirited bone in your body," I said, chuckling.

She shook her head. "I had to find a way to get my point across. Conventional conversation was not doing it," she said grimly.

"He's going to try again," I said, warning her. Apparently Tom's sizeable ego wouldn't let him believe Bella preferred me over him. I heard him plot to get her alone at some point. As if I would let that happen.

"What! No way! How do you know? What an idiot!" Rick said, laughing. I was the idiot, actually, forgetting that Rick didn't know I could read minds.

Bella swiftly picked up on his last statement and ignored the question. "He is an idiot. I suppose I could always buy a few billboards along I-5 to tell him I won't go out with him. Now," she said, frowning, "how would I word it so he'd finally get it?"

"Don't embellish. 'Something like, 'Not now, not ever, Tom', " I advised.

"I watched some DVDs of old 'Saturday Night Live' episodes last night. How about, 'Tom, you're an ignorant slut'?" Rick suggested.

"Harsh. I like it though. The only problem is, it doesn't state directly that I'll never, ever, in a bazillion years go out with him," Bella replied. She cocked her head. "How about a photo of a very menacing Emmett -- blow up way big, of course -- with the words, 'She Doesn't Want You, So Deal With That Or Deal With Me, Boylan.' "

Rick whistled. "Man, that is gangsta. Wordy, but gangsta. Good for you."

Boylan didn't return, of course. Periodically, I listened to his thoughts, which were a mix of indignation, disbelief and planning. Every so often, he'd dwell on the way Bella looked when she walked over to him in that dress. Every muscle in my body stiffened at that, and Bella would glance at me, first questioningly, then with a warning in her eyes. We didn't discuss it, but she must have known I was still listening. I couldn't help it; I haven't had much chance to gloat like this, and it was fun.

A year ago, I would have thought this silly. Now, it was wonderful to have a reason to feel jealous, protective, territorial, or mostly, smug. It all seemed so normal.

A/N: For all dear readers who are unfamiliar with Frank Sinatra's history, he was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. Hence Edward's question about Bella's homesickness after she asks to hear some Sinatra tunes.

I hate the word "panties." I don't quite know why, except that it sounds juvenile and thus has no place in my story. So, I've used the more antiseptic term "underwear," until such time as I decide to have Bella wear something else.

This is the first time I've ever used lemon flavoring in my fanfiction. I would love to hear what you think.