This starts with Bella's ruminations on the whole question of "will we or won't we." Then, the setting moves out of her head and into the evening she stays with Edward in his room, moving forward from there.
I'm not exactly sure when so much of my life became consumed by sex. Or worry over sex, I guess. I only know that I don't like it.
I don't want it to be like this. I want things to be more normal -- normal for us, anyway. We are at an impasse as far as sex is concerned. I'd be happy if I knew Edward wants to, and that it's even possible for us. Right now, that's not looking so good. I don't even care if it doesn't happen for ages. Although it would be nice...but Edward's thrown so many roadblocks in the way, I'm not sure how we'll ever get past them.
Some of it is legitimate worry. He doesn't want to hurt me; he's very concerned about his strength. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt even though I believe his control is solid -- it's been that way even at his worst, when he wanted to kill me -- but I don't know what it's like to be a vampire, so I can't really dictate to him on that, can I? I have to take it on faith that he's accurately gauging his own instincts. As opposed to, say, using them as a handy excuse.
After we discussed my past boyfriends and I felt his judgment in every form of language save the spoken word, I worried incessantly that this would be the barrier we couldn't smash. He comes out of such a different time, and he can't change that. Everything around him changed, of course, but he stayed the same. And how could I demand any different from him? I told him that the gift I valued most from him was his acceptance of me as I am. (This, of course, came before my admission of totally vanilla sexual experience.) Knowing how much that means to me, how could I deny him the same? I've already accepted everything else about him.
Then it hit me: he's imposed those morals on himself. So in addition to dealing with my experience, he's had to deal with his lack of it. And if I knew Edward -- and surely that was now the case -- I knew he would worry about his own inadequacy. I'm not sure I could get across to him that I didn't care. I'm not exactly vastly experienced or knowledgeable. Maybe I could get him to believe I'd never judge him on that. I wanted us to be together as if it was the first time for everything, not only sex. This was such a different relationship than I ever dreamed I'd have, in every way. It doesn't deserve to be compared to anything I've ever had before. I really started my life since moving to Forks. This was all the beginning. As the saying goes, Edward is the journey and the journey's end.
Thankfully, the issue wasn't always pervasive. The elephant occasionally left the room to lumber around somewhere else. In those moments, I felt relaxed, safe, calm, and content to sit with Edward and enjoy his touch in pretty pedestrian ways. He made every effort to show that he loved me. I worried about that, certainly. I wanted him to feel that he could love me unconditionally, the way I loved him. I felt frightened, sometimes, that he would use this as some excuse to leave, even though he all but said he would never do that.
I'm not complaining, of course; a kiss from Edward is better than anything else -- everything else -- with another man. I mean, it isn't as if I'm some wanton lust goddess. (Note to self: Wanton Lust Goddess is another great name for a rock band.) I want to know that he wants it, too. I need to know he'd like to try. It hurt to think he didn't.
Edward still came over every day and stayed into the evening. He was as attentive as ever. When he was with me, all of my worries slipped away, for the most part. He kissed me as passionately as ever; he wouldn't even be near me without touching me somehow, either lacing his fingers through mine or stroking my cheek or nuzzling me. I loved it, I loved him, and I felt loved. Mostly. I felt most of me was loved. But didn't he ever want more? He willingly stayed the night on Friday, before Alice and I went shopping. I honestly wasn't expecting anything to happen, though, and Edward didn't disappoint.
I was shocked when he asked me to spend Saturday night at his house, after Alice and I returned. Esme prepared a delicious dinner for me, and I told them all the shopping stories as if Alice's single-minded mall mission was news to them. After dinner, Alice wouldn't sit still until I tried on the new clothes for Edward, and honestly, I was getting so fond of her that I couldn't say no. I was exhausted but I didn't want to disappoint her.
It was destined to be a night of surprises. Once Alice left the bedroom, Edward asked what music I'd like to hear, and I requested Sinatra. My sweet man quickly realized that I'd been feeling homesick for New Jersey. "Maybe you should go back," he suggested, and I actually believed he was telling me to leave. I trembled so hard that Edward had to manually steer my head to look in my eyes. The second I misconstrued his remark, I felt like hot iron seared through me, poisonous and efficient. I knew in that instant I would never recover from the loss of Edward, and that knowledge, now plain, panicked me. I loved Edward so much I was locked into this -- into him -- and while it is what I want, I also had to know the risk that accompanied it. As Edward talked, guessing that I misunderstood him but not comprehending the depth of my own realization, he tried to reassure me. "Would you come with me?" I blurted out, because truly, that was the only thing that could reassure me.
But Edward seemed thrilled that I'd want him to accompany me to New Jersey -- now as a visitor, no longer a resident. I could go home and show my family and friends the person I'd become. My friends knew I was happy; I'd started telling them about Edward, and their squeals came through in e-mails that I could practically hear as well as read. I knew they would love him and accept him because he was with me. The only possible problem was my dad, Charlie. It wasn't that he wouldn't like Edward, but to say he was taciturn was doing a disservice to hermits and curmudgeons. And it always took a bit of preparation for any of my gentleman callers (was Edward influencing my language?) to come away unscathed from any time with my dad. I haven't brought very many men home at all, but each of them believed my dad didn't like him. It was hard to explain that any lack of argument or sarcasm on Charlie's part meant that at least he didn't dislike them. Edward was so much more important to me, and I merely wanted my father to treat him with the respect he deserved. Here was another possible complication that arose from Edward's old-fashioned background. He'd want to do what was right -- shake my father's hand, talk to him, show his own respect -- and while my father would undoubtedly notice and admire that, he'd never express it to Edward. Or to me. How could I explain that to Edward? I didn't want my father to offend him. I was used to my dad hurting my feelings with his silence and tactless manner, but it was unfair to expect Edward to put up with it. I hurt for him already. I wanted to protect him, but I had no idea how to prepare him.
At least it was only for a weekend. We talked in general about going east for Memorial Day, which was coming up. I mentioned that we'd have to book a flight soon if we had any hope of getting to New Jersey without paying a fortune, and Edward promised to look up air fare the next day.
And then he asked me to stay with him overnight. I wonder if he knew how thrilled I was that he asked. I was deeply moved that he would want to be with me all night again. I also wondered exactly why he asked me to stay. Was he anticipating something? Silly, I chided myself. It wasn't as if we couldn't carry on in my own apartment, if he was so inclined (and I already knew his feelings on that). In fact, my place was more private. I couldn't help nurturing a small flame of hope that he wanted something. Anything. One thing. Maybe he'd feel more comfortable in his own room.
I excused myself to change into suitable sleepwear. Edward loaned me one of his tee shirts, which hung off of me as if I was a starving orphan. I made a hasty decision to leave off my sweats. My seduction would be unparallelled, as long as "unparallelled" means clumsy, obvious and probably ineffective.
He covered his daybed-sized sofa with enough comforters to blanket Texas, and insisted on wrapping me in a thick fleece. I hated having too much cloth between us. It took only a short time for me to adjust to his icy temperature; I wanted to be next to his body, and I always ignored the chill in favor of bliss.
Edward brought up something I'd been curious about: how long his family could stay in one place while never growing older. He'd mentioned previously that they came to Forks for the weather. Of course, they moved around a lot; this meant that in a few years, Edward would leave. I knew he had to, and that made it easier, in a way, than our earlier conversation, when I'd panicked because I thought he wanted to send me packing back East. Now, I sensed his despair at the thought of any departure. It gave me the courage to say what I felt: "When you leave, I want to go with you."
If it was possible for anyone to stutter with a touch...that's what Edward did. I worried again that I'd spoken out of turn, though his shaking voice and hands reassured me he'd had the same fears about separation. I wanted him to know that wherever he went, I would go with him, in whatever form I had to take.
It was the first time I'd vocalized an idea that came up with increasing frequency. I knew our options for a future were limited. Edward would live forever, I would not. If we stayed together and I remained human, he would look like my younger brother, my son, and then my grandson. Or, I could become like him before I grew too much older, and we would stay together and be perfectly matched. Any time my thoughts moved toward that conclusion -- and they inevitably did -- I tried to pull them back with realistic reminders. I could never see my family or friends again. They would have to think I was dead. I would never die; I would also live forever, whatever that meant. I would be a vampire, for crying out loud, and I'd have to learn to do it the way the Cullens lived. I would never have children.
But I would have Edward. No matter what argument I presented to myself, I came back to this: it was the only way for Edward and I to be together. Always, I returned to that verdict. I didn't want to be without him, so I would be with him, no matter what it took. He'd fight me on this -- fight me as hard as he'd ever fought anything, because Edward is far too moral to take away my humanity. I knew him well enough to worry that guilt over ending my life could drive him insane, and forever is a long time to live after you've lost your mind.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't want to talk about it. I was impatient with his disregard for my feelings but I knew it wasn't the time or place to start discussing it. He distracted me by kissing me, which always worked (and he knew it). But tonight, here in his half-a-bed, the love and longing mixed with new fears that he would leave and I wouldn't be able to go with him. I wanted whatever I could have of him, even if it hurt me in the long run. That, plus a good six weeks of frustration, made me push the boundaries he'd so carefully established. Firmly, desperately, I moved my mouth along his perfect jaw and down his throat. Edward moaned and moved his head to the side, and I accepted the invitation, drifting down his neck. I dared to taste his skin, the cold, hard texture and delicious scent combining into an otherworldly aphrodisiac. I knew he was enjoying it; his body was in that paradoxical state where he both relaxed and stiffened from my touch. As if on cue, he sighed and kissed me on the top of my head.
No, Bella. Careful, Bella. We can't, Bella. Stop, Bella. His endless litany of warnings forced me into recklessness. I was tired of hearing it, knowing that we could have precious few opportunities for intimacy. And then, a crazy thought, careless beyond any other state I'd ever experienced: he doesn't know what he's missing. Oh, I didn't mean that in the egotistical sense. I meant it literally. I had only minor sexual experience, but I could imagine how wonderful it would be with someone who loved and respected me. Yet Edward acted as if he knew what was best for both of us. He knew nothing! He never acknowledged that maybe I could be right about this. I wanted him to test his limits and see for himself. So, I did something that was fairly pushy and uncharacteristically forward. I grabbed his hand and put it on my breast, leaving only his aged tee shirt between his cold hand and my warm, decidedly female body. He reacted as if he'd been burned, and the rejection almost killed me.
I felt more naked than if I'd thrown off the shirt I was wearing. I put myself in his hands and he'd turned me out. Edward held me while I sobbed, soothing me with all the right words, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was still paying for a past I couldn't change. The hurt made me get ugly. I told him I thought he was more afraid of his own nonexistent experience than of his strength or bloodlust, and though it was probably true, I knew I'd used more in my arsenal than I should.
But I had more truth to tell Edward right now, and other ways to be naked in bed with him as my words exposed my emotions. I considered him my first in everything because he was my first love. Incredibly, I told him this not to force his hand physically, but to have him understand why intimacy was so important to me. I explained why it hurt so much that he rejected me and -- I believed -- thought less of me for having sex before we met. With that, I broke through to him, and in showing him more of myself, I helped him believe more about himself.
He pulled me to him, and it really was our first time. It wasn't all sex, but I wasn't expecting that. What Edward finally gave me was the admission that he desired me, too. Allowing himself to have this small moment of intense joy gave me more pleasure than anything physical. Recognizing my need, and showing me, with no reservation or judgment -- it was more than enough for now. It was everything.
******
After Edward gently kissed me good morning, he told me he'd prepared breakfast for me and to take my time getting downstairs. I washed up and tried to make myself as presentable as I could, considering I was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie from yesterday. I wondered briefly what Edward would say if I asked whether I could keep some clothes at his house. Too soon? He'd seemed really happy when I invited him to leave shirts and pants in my apartment closet, so he didn't have to run home to get ready on the nights he had to report to the hospital.
I debated this internally as I headed down the stairs and toward the kitchen, lost in thought. Soft classical music played on the first-floor sound system, and I heard voices and laughter as I got closer. They didn't stop even though I knew they were aware I was approaching, so I figured they weren't talking about me, or if they were, they wouldn't mind if I heard it.
Esme, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were in the kitchen, Edward setting a place for me at the island in the middle. As usually, Rosalie gave me a curt nod and exited the room as soon as I entered. Alice danced in past her, chiming, "Good morning, Bella!" before anyone else had the chance to say anything. Emmett jumped off his seat and bounded over to me, sporting a huge, mischievous grin. "Bella! How are ya? Hope you had a good night!" He enveloped me in an enormous bear hug, swaying us back and forth as if we hadn't seen each other for years and we had something to celebrate....
As if there was something to celebrate. Now I got it.
My cheeks burned as every ounce of blood defied gravity and flowed to my face. I recalled what passion caused me to forget last night: vampire hearing is powerful and all encompassing. There really was no privacy in this house.
Emmett let me go and lightly pinched my cheek. He walked past Edward and flexed his shoulders and arms in a macho manner, still with that grin, as he left the kitchen.
Edward rolled his eyes and looked at me worriedly. I cleared my throat and said, "So, what's for breakfast? Something smells really good. Besides me, I mean."
Esme seemed particularly absorbed by the magazine she was reading, but grinned and gave Edward a sidelong glance. Alice merely stood there beaming, and watched as Edward came over to me and kissed my forehead. "We have pancakes and sausage for you, plus some fruit. I hope you're hungry," he said.
I looked at him in mock astonishment. "After last night? I'm famished!" Edward seemed horrified, but I heard Emmett's roar of laughter from somewhere else in the house.
I put my arms around Edward's waist while Esme chuckled and excused herself. Alice was still with us, eagerly watching our interactions. I didn't mind. I already felt as if I could say anything in front of her.
"I'm sorry if my randy sense of humor offends you," I said to Edward, who still appeared displeased. "I had to find some way to acknowledge what everyone knows, and I usually do that sort of thing with a joke."
No reaction, so I sighed and ate my breakfast. He began cleaning up the pans from my breakfast without acknowledging my comment. Alice made a skeptical face and glared at his back as he moved to the sink. I wondered what she was thinking for his benefit.
She glided over to me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "I'm going to find Jasper and see what he wants to do today," she said. I stood up and drew her into a hug. "Thank you so much for everything," I said. "I really did have a lot of fun yesterday. It meant a lot to me, that you wanted to spend all that time with me."
Alice grasped my hands and grinned. "I should thank you. I had a great time, too. I hope we can do it again soon."
I turned to look at Edward. He was still washing the dishes, his back facing me, but the set of his shoulders had softened. I went up behind him and wrapped my arms around him again, resting my head between his shoulder blades. Wasn't there some way I could bottle his scent and carry it with me whenever we were apart? I suppose I had a bigger problem to address right now.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked plaintively.
"No."
"Your tone does not convince me," I said, trying to sound mock-severe. I stared up at him patiently as he scrubbed the frying pan; judging by his effort, it must have been the filthiest kitchen utensil in existence. I was tempted to say something like "Ease up, Cullen," but I could tell that wouldn't be the right tack. At the same time, I didn't feel like apologizing again for my joke. I was sick of apologizing. I stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
"As you know, I cannot read your mind. Will you tell me what you're thinking?" I said softly.
"Hmmmm..." he hesitated. "That I'm probably making too big a deal over what you said, and I ought to just let it go." A small smile started to play around his lips.
I nodded. "I agree." Then I thought some more. "I shouldn't have made light of our time together. It meant a great deal to me, and it's far too important to trivialize," I said quietly. "And I hope you know I'm not making fun of you. At all." Even more softly, I added, "I would never do that."
I saw him swallow before he responded, "Okay."
"I suppose our senses of humor are also about a century apart," I noted. Finally, finally, he looked down at me and really smiled.
I grabbed a towel and said, "Here, I'll help you dry."
We worked together in silence, and I tried not to beat myself up over my quip. This was yet another learning experience with Edward. Normally, he just thinks I'm funny. I suppose he was sensitive after last night, which had been our most intense time together. Maybe his morals were wound tightly enough that he didn't like it when his...more-than girlfriend made risque cracks. Maybe he was upset that I embarrassed him in front of his family (though truth be told, we overshared with them last night, too). Or, maybe it was a combination of all three.
It was still fairly early on Sunday, and I wondered if Edward had anything planned. Neither of us had discussed spending the day together today, although we usually did on weekends. Now that the weather was getting warmer and the daylight hours were extending, it was more pleasant to be outside. We'd visited some of the local parks on our days off. As long as we worked with the weather, we could be nearly normal, planning around any sunshine that might be forecast. A lot of it meant changing my way of thinking -- reworking my usual frame of reference whenever he'd ask, "Is there anything in particular you'd like to do this weekend?"
"Yeah, if the weather's crummy, let's go to the beach." That wasn't the way we did it in Jersey, but it's how things roll in Washington, especially if you're with a vampire.
I brought my thoughts back around to the present, realizing that Edward still hadn't said anything about the rest of the day. After all our declarations of love (which were fairly numerous at this juncture), after the closeness we'd had last night, after all we've talked about in our unusual life together for the last few months, I couldn't bring myself to assume that he'd want to be with me today. Worse, I hated how inhibited I was about asking him what he wanted to do.
Finally, I found a way around it. "What time would you like to bring me back?"
Edward glanced at me in surprise. "Do you want to go home?"
"Well, other than a fairly massive load of laundry, I don't have that much to do today. I wasn't sure if you planned anything for yourself, though," I said carefully. "Hey, I don't know where these pans and lids go."
"I'll take care of them." He'd finished washing and cleaning the sink. What is it about a guy who knows his way around a kitchen? And this one doesn't even eat.
Edward frowned at me in rather intense concentration. "Come to think of it, I never noticed a washer or dryer in your apartment. How do you usually do your laundry?"
"I use Mrs. Farrelly's, which are in the basement, but if she's got a lot of her own stuff to wash and I have an urgent need for clean clothes, I go to the laundromat."
Edward shook his head. "Not any more. You can come here when you aren't able to use hers."
"That's really nice, but-"
"No 'buts.' Esme wouldn't have it any other way," he said briskly.
"Oh, right, bring your mother into this. You know I would never hurt her feelings," I said.
"Exactly," he noted with satisfaction. "I'll take you home and you can get your clothes and we'll come back here."
"Okay, fine," I huffed.
"Okay, fine," he replied, but I saw his grin as he put the pans in a cabinet.
I turned to go upstairs and he was in front of me in one of those quick, flashy vampire moves I'd never get used to. "You drive me crazy over the simplest things," he murmured, his eyes a cloudy gold.
"I could say the same to you."
"And you have." He leaned over and I felt him smile as he kissed me.
"In case it is at all unclear, I love you, Edward Cullen." I tilted my head and watched him until he saw the seriousness in my face, and his expression softened from humor to tenderness.
"Make it as clear as you want; I will never tire of hearing that. And I love you, Bella Swan."
On Wednesday, Edward explained that he needed to hunt and planned to go the next night, when I had to tutor. I nodded and thought that would give me the opportunity to do some hunting of my own, for Jacob Black. I still hadn't seen him since that afternoon in the cemetery when he nearly attacked Edward while in wolf form. I wanted to straighten things out with him, but I refrained from mentioning anything about it. Edward and I would see each other Friday at work, since he was scheduled to fill in for Janice. By that time, I hoped to get rid of the wolf scent I'd probably walk away with. I knew Edward would pick up on it otherwise.
I left home after changing my clothes on Thursday afternoon, intending to stop at the general store and get a sandwich from Billy. It had been weeks since I'd seen him as well. Maybe Jacob would actually be at home, in his garage. The thought of him doing something at least somewhat normal, that I knew he enjoyed, gave me some comfort.
It was probably best that I wasn't able to find Jacob for weeks after Edward and I saw him in the cemetery. I was so furious, I would have said a lot of angry things I'd later regret. The sharp edge had faded from my temper, and I could now talk to him in a more civil manner. I was fairly sure I could, anyway.
The usual group of men were on the store's porch when I arrived. I still didn't get a smile out of them, but at least there was something less suspicious in their gaze. "Good evening, gentlemen," I said, nodding my head. The man with the silver braids -- who, I believe, always wore the same plaid shirt -- returned my greeting with a solemn tip of his head.
"Hey Billy," I called as I strolled to the deli counter. Silence greeted me for a moment, then I saw Billy's hat, and the rest of him followed out of the back.
He looked more rested than the last time I saw him, and his smile seemed more genuine. Still, there was a distinct tinge of sadness around those beautiful black almond eyes, and I knew now it was because of his son. Billy had to be aware of what was happening with Jacob, and I'm sure he was consumed with worry over it.
"Bella! It's been a long time. What brings you back to our reservation?" he said, grinning fondly.
"I'm heading over to the rec center for my weekly tutoring. Do you remember my 'usual' order?" I teased him. It was still wonderful to be in his presence; he emanated a sense of regal goodness that never failed to draw me in.
"Turkey on rye with provolone, lettuce and tomato, a little bit of mayonnaise, and..." he drummed his fingers against his chin, "hot peppers."
"Excellent recall, Billy."
While he prepared my dinner, I asked, "Is Jacob around?"
A wary look passed over his face but he composed himself quickly. "I think he's in the back with some of the guys. Do you want me to call him for you?"
"Uh...well, if it's okay, I'd like to stop around and see him when you're done here."
He nodded and said, "Sure, sure," although I'm not certain he meant it. I paid for my sandwich and he motioned to his right, letting me go around the counter and through their apartment to get outside.
I walked toward the garage and heard some talking and laughing, so I assumed Jacob was there somewhere. One of the other boys -- Paul, I believe -- saw me first and the grin fell right off his face, replaced by suspicious anger.
"Jake, you got a visitor," Paul called toward the back of the garage.
"Hey, Jacob," I said as he looked up.
"Bella!" he said, shocked. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm on my way to the rec center and I stopped off for a sandwich. Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"I guess so," he said uncertainly, wiping his hands on a greasy towel.
"Could we go over there?" I motioned to some trees that stood off to the right of the garage. Jacob looked quickly at the other three young men who leaned against a table, expressionless.
"Sure, let's go," he said, and walked out of the garage without looking at me.
It occurred to me right then that I hadn't planned out everything I was going to say. I couldn't exactly jump in with, "I know you're a werewolf. Please leave me and Edward alone."
Actually, maybe that was the best way to say it: directly and honestly. We'd reached the trees and Jacob leaned against one, arms crossed. "So, what's up?"
I took a step closer and stared at the ground, then in his eyes. He looked wary and suspicious -- exactly as his friends did, and nothing like the friendly, open Jacob I'd first met. I blew out my breath and said, "There's no real easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it. I know it was you in the cemetery."
Alarm spread over his features before he pulled his expression back. "I don't know what you're talking about. What cemetery?"
"The Forks cemetery, a few weeks ago. I was there and so was Edward." He shook his head and started to speak.
"No. Don't say anything." I put my hand out, as if to stop him -- from what, talking? "You don't have to answer me, and I know you can't talk about it. I just want to ask you to please, stop protecting me. I don't need your help."
He remained impassive, though I saw something flicker in his eyes as I continued, "I"m okay. I'm not going to get hurt." I took his hand. "I appreciate what you did; I know you were concerned. But you don't have to be."
Jacob shook me off. "You don't know what you're saying."
I didn't know if he meant to deny what I knew about him, or to argue that I was, in fact, in danger. I decided to cover both points. "I know you and Edward hate each other, and I know why. I also know I'm not supposed to know anything about it. And before you get all angry about that, it wasn't Edward who told me. There are things about your tribe's legends that aren't hard to find out."
His eyes widened and he grew visibly angry. "You really don't know anything!"
"I know enough. Please. Thank you for wanting to protect me, Jacob, but I. don't. need. it," I said firmly. I started to walk away and then turned back to him. "And don't take anything out on Edward. The Cullens have nothing to do with this."
"Oh, they have everything to do with it," he snapped. Jacob grabbed my elbow. "Why are you with him if you know what he is?" he hissed.
"I think that's my business, Jacob, and not yours," I said, more calmly than I felt. "He won't hurt me. None of them will."
"They are bloodsuckers, Bella. Vampires! You've gotta be crazy!" he said, glaring at me.
"If you know what they are, you must know that they don't hurt people," I replied. This was as much as I dared to refer to the treaty. "I consider you my friend, Jacob, and I know you were only doing what you think is right. But really, I don't need you as my bodyguard."
He let go of my elbow and stepped back, shaking his head. "You're wrong. You're in danger every second you're with him," he said, eerily echoing what Edward himself told me months ago. "We'll still be watching."
I sighed. "If you must. Just please, no drama like last time, okay?" I waited for his response.
"I can't promise that, Bella. If he hurts you--"
"He won't."
"If he hurts you..." Jacob repeated with a snarl...
"If anyone hurts me, it won't be him," I repeated with finality. "But again, thank you for watching out for me." I took his hand and squeezed it, and then returned to my car.
With sadness, I realized I had no idea when I'd see Jacob again. Our friendship was broken, and even though we were not extremely close, I missed him. I wished we'd had more time to spend together before all this happened. The Jacob I'd come to know and like wasn't there any more. He'd been replaced by a man-boy who both resented and embraced his new responsibility. Werewolves and vampires were mortal enemies, so certainly Jacob hated Edward and his family. I was sure he blamed them for his own change. If the Cullens had never returned to Forks, Jacob and his friends would have normal lives: goofing off, fighting good-naturedly with each other, chasing girls, hanging out at the rec center, figuring out their lives. All the usual time-fillers enjoyed by guys their age were cut off, denied by a marred heritage.
Jacob would never understand how I felt about Edward. I knew I couldn't explain it to him -- to any of them, for surely all his friends knew, based on the way they looked at me. Would Jacob and I ever be able to salvage our relationship? I didn't know, though I suspected Edward would be just as happy if he knew we weren't on speaking terms. Should I tell him about my talk with Jacob? I decided to put off any decision about that. In the meantime, I had a student to tutor.
To my relief, Wendell showed no sign that he knew of my relationship with Edward. My work with him continued to grow more rewarding. He was making terrific progress with his reading, and we started to include newspaper articles in our lessons now. He sometimes had trouble making it through an entire story, especially if it was long, but he would gladly read all headlines. Many times, he'd bring in the sports section of the Seattle daily paper and ask for my help so he could find the news of his favorite teams. This was a first for me, as well as Wendell. I'd never read the sports section, either.
He entered the room wearing his usual huge grin, and my worries over Jacob faded for the moment. It felt good to have this purpose for being here, and to forget about myself while I went about the important business of teaching someone to read. As Wendell pulled out his homework, I said a quick prayer that he'd never turn against me for loving Edward.
Friday at work was also surprising in its own way. Tom Boylan decided it was time to convince me that he and I were meant to be. He hadn't counted on Edward helping me prove otherwise. An extremely passionate kiss in the middle of the pharmacy got the message across. Of course, if I didn't have Edward in my life, I'd sooner date an aardvark than go to a club with Tom anyway.
We were still laughing about it over dinner on Friday night. Edward and I thought about going to the movies, but I lobbied for staying in. For whatever reason, I didn't feel like sharing my time with him tonight. It didn't take a good deal of arm-twisting to get him to agree to an evening of books instead of a movie. I brought my tea over to the couch and watched for a couple of minutes as Faith roamed the living room, gradually tightening the circle she was making around us. She kept glancing warily at Edward, as if to check whether he'd vacated the premises, because she clearly missed sitting on my lap but she still refused to get close to him. I'd love to see that happen someday.
"Hey, I have some information on our trip to the East Coast," Edward said, his expression excited as he looked up from his book. While we were at work, I'd spoken with Larry about taking off a half-day on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I was relieved that he agreed. The workload was bound to slow down as that day progressed, since doctors avoid admitting patients over holiday weekends. Larry felt that Janice and Rick could handle it, although I was sure Janice would find something to grumble about anyway, and Rick would make me pay for leaving him alone with her for half a day.
I raised my eyebrows expectantly, and then his expression kind of blanched. "What is it?" I asked.
"Well..." he hemmed and hawed a bit. "It seems we'll be having more company on our journey."
"Really?" I was intrigued. "What do you mean?"
"I asked Alice to look ahead and see if she could get a handle on the weather that weekend, so you and I could plan accordingly. When she saw that it's supposed to be cloudy and rainy all weekend, she got all excited about going to New York. She wants to shop." He rolled his eyes.
"She's not expecting me to join her for that, is she? I mean, seriously, I don't think I'll have time-"
"No, in fact, that's the rest of the story. Rosalie and Esme want to have a few days of shopping in Manhattan as well, so Alice will have plenty of company. And you know..." Edward sighed. "Well, if the three women are going, so are their mates. It'll basically be the entire Cullen household transplanted to the right coast." He looked at me through his eyelashes. "I hope you don't mind."
I laughed. "You don't have to look at me like that. I'd love it if we all went together." Then I frowned. "Are they expecting to meet my family?" The thought of a whole coven of vampires piling into my sister's house was a little frightening.
"I don't believe so. They'll probably spend most of their time in New York, although we'll all be at the same hotel." He stopped but appeared to have something more to say.
"What?" I nudged him with my elbow.
"Well, I knew Larry had approved your time off, so I booked the flight."
"I see. And when were you going to tell me this?"
"Right now."
"How much do I owe you?"
"Nothing. This is on me."
"Edward, please. I can afford the plane fare, I've already budgeted for it."
"Can you afford a first-class ticket?"
Shocked, I repeated idiotically, "First class?"
"Yes. Honestly, it would be easier on Jasper if he flew in a part of the cabin that was less crowded. Alice isn't about to let him fly alone, and really, it's better if we're all together, so that's how it came down." He frowned. "I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about it ahead of time."
"Yeah, you should have. I mean, I'm not going to argue with you; if it helps Jasper, the case is closed as far as I'm concerned. It would have been nice if you'd mentioned this before, though."
"It sort of came together all at once."
"All right...but I want to pay you back for the ticket."
"Please, Bella. You have to fly the more expensive option because of my family. We're really forcing you. Esme and Carlisle-"
I cut him off. "Don't guilt trip me because of your parents. How about if I pay you the cost of an economy ticket and we forget about the difference?"
He shook his head. "I want to pay for all of it. I really want to do this for you."
"Who's going to pay for the hotel?"
"Me, because I'm sure at least a few of my family members will not want to stay at the Motel 6."
I scowled. "I can't let you pay for everything, Edward." He started to reply and I put my hand over his mouth. "And please don't say, 'of course you can.'"
He smiled that indulgent smile. "Am I making you feel like less of an independent wage earner if I insist?"
"Yes. You are."
"Very well, then, you can pay me back for the cost of an economy fare." He sighed. "I wish you'd be reasonable about this. It has nothing to do with my belief that you're perfectly capable of supporting yourself. I'd really like to give it to you as a gift."
Edward and I had had several conversations about this, and there was also Alice's lecture in the middle of the mall. I decided to negotiate. "Tell you what: let me pay you back, because I would probably fly home for a visit regardless of whether you came with me, and you can find another gift to give me."
"Really?" His eyes widened in devilish delight.
"Nothing too crazy," I warned him.
"Oh, no. You don't get to put any qualifiers on it after you've given me permission." He went back to his book with a smug smile. I bugged him a few times to try and figure out what he had in mind, but of course it did no good. All I got were a lot of severe reminders that a gift is supposed to be a surprise.
It was May, but still rather chilly in rainy Forks. After I climbed into bed, Edward insisted on using two blankets to wrap me like a burrito. We reached a compromise when I told him that I wanted to be as close to him as possible but he could re-wrap me when I fell asleep. There were times I could become irrational about things like this, because I hated someone telling me how to take care of myself. Deep inside, though, I felt warm that Edward cared enough to try, no matter how misguided.
The light was off and we were talking softly about the week, and about our complete routing of Tom Boylan. Edward believed Tom would be back, but although he had the advantage of mindreading, I had my doubts. There was something about Edward that could be so forbidding when he was angry, and I think Tom got the message, even without Emmett on a billboard.
We were laying on our sides, facing each other, and I used my free right hand to comb my fingers through Edward's hair. It felt almost as if it was made of velour, it was that soft, and the sensation helped me feel sleepy. Edward had his eyes closed, and I could see a large, relaxed smile on his face.
"Does this feel good to you?" I asked, surprised that I hadn't thought to ask this before.
He sighed deeply. "Oh, yes. Your hand and fingers are so warm...it's very soothing."
"I'll keep it up until my hand gets numb."
Edward laughed and pulled my hand down, kissing my fingertips. "No, please, don't make yourself uncomfortable."
We hadn't had any repeat intimacy since the night at his house last Saturday. I was feeling somewhat more patient, and I wondered if he'd guessed that would happen.
"What are you thinking?" He was getting very good at telling when I had something on my mind.
"I was kind of reflecting on last Saturday. We haven't really talked much about what happened."
"That's true," he said. "Do you have something you want to tell me?"
"I'm not sure I got across to you how important it was to me. Not the physical side of it, although tht was nice," I clarified. "I'm not. some sex-crazed woman who needed a little somethin'-somethin'." Edward laughed. "You just kind of...went with it, and you didn't just trust your instincts -- the good ones, I mean. You trusted mine. I also never asked you...I mean..." my voice faded. I was blushing furiously, and I blurted out, "How did you feel?"
"I felt like I finally knew something of what I'd been missing for a very long time -- as in, my whole life and beyond," he said softly. "The physical sensations, and I assume that's mostly what you're referring to, were beyond amazing. And you know, for once, I didn't analyze it scientifically. I didn't need to -- in fact, I thought that would ruin it. I just felt it. Mostly, it was because it was you. You were there with me, trusting me and sharing yourself with me intimately." He hugged me fiercely yet gingerly. "You say you can't express how important it was to you, but Bella, you showed me that night. I don't think I've yet come up with the words to tell you how much it meant to me. You gave me something no one else ever has. You are as beautiful and wonderful as I knew you would be."
I had to swallow several times to keep from crying. "Did you-" I started to say, and then fumbled for the right words. "I know our separate histories still concern you. I want to know, Edward, is that any different for you? What do you feel about me, now?"
"I love you, Bella. That's the same as it ever was."
I could feel the insecurity struggling to climb to the top, over the joy of everything else in this moment. "You know what I mean. I'm always going to worry about what I can't change."
"Mmm, I do know what that feels like," Edward said solemnly. "But to answer your question, yes, it helped to have that part of a relationship with you. I feel as if I know you even better now -- like I know more of you."
"In the way that others have, too." Once again, I said it before I could stop myself.
He sighed. "I do wish you would stop worrying about it. It will never keep me from loving you. Besides," he added, tipping my chin up to meet his gaze, "did I not just say how fulfillled I am?"
I lay my head against his chest, the tears coming again. "What?" he asked softly, with no sign of frustration at his inability to read my thoughts. He knew I was struggling to say something important and he wisely waited.
"I know there won't be anyone else for me after you. I'm...This is it for me. There are no other guys; there will be no others now." It was the most I'd expressed beyond telling him I loved him. I wanted him to know now the length and breadth of it.
He cradled my head and sighed deeply, just holding me that way for a second. We kissed for a long time, his mouth gently pulling on my lower lip.
I grumbled, "I probably shouldn't even say this to you, but the truth is, I would stay with you no matter what. Sex or no sex. I love you that much."
Edward laughed. "You really mean that, I can tell." His eyes softened. "I love you that much, too."
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