Chapter 2: Hands and Knees

Sunstreaker POV

It was two weeks after he woke that Ratchet was ready to release Sideswipe into my care and while part of me worried about his state of mine, I was ready to have my brother back no matter what things were now like. So, when I'd gotten the word, I went to speak with Prime about living space now that Sideswipe was on the mental equivalent of a Cybertronian child.

I found our leader in his office and I knocked at the door, waiting for his call. I didn't have to wait long.

"Come in." I opened the door to find Prime and Bumblebee sitting at his desk looking over schematics and the likes. Prime looked up and seemed a little startled to see me at first, but quickly covered his surprise. "Sunstreaker, what can I do for you?" Bumblebee looked up and stood slowly but I raised a hand to stop him.

"It's okay, Bee, you don't need to leave. Prime, Ratchet has decided to release Sideswipe to me today, but I'm having a problem." Prime waved me to an empty chair and I sat down with a sigh.

"I know you and your brother have always been close," Prime began softly, "and I know that none of this is easy for you. Whatever we can do to help, please, just let us know." I nodded slowly.

"I know the room next to ours isn't being used, hasn't been used since we arrived. I wanted your permission to knock out the wall and combine the two rooms, give Side's his own space so to speak." I trailed off with the thought, and keep me from going insane by having him so close… Prime raised a brow slightly but nodded slowly.

"I understand your reasons for this… move so to speak. I don't see why it would be a problem, Sunstreaker. Do whatever you need to do to make things more comfortable for you and your brother." I nodded slowly and stood.

"Thanks, Prime." I turned to leave and then turned back, a thought just coming to mind. "How long have you known?" Prime sighed heavily.

"I knew before we left to follow the Allspark that you and Sideswipe were bonded. It often happens in cases like yours, although to be honest, there never has been a case like yours, but even Ratchet knows and understands." He stood and came around the desk, resting a hand on my shoulder. "I know it can't be easy on you, for Sideswipe to have no memory of your life together and I know it also won't be easy on you as his mind matures but you have to remember that, despite his mentality, he is still physically the same age as you are." I nodded slowly.

"Thanks, Prime," I answered softly before leaving his office and moving slowly down the hallway.

"Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you"

I turned to find Bumblebee behind me and I tilted my head slightly. He hadn't needed to talk by way of the radio in quite some time now so I was a little confused until the words of the song actually caught on and I nodded slowly, smiling a little at the mini-bot.

"I know what you're saying, Bee, I've just never been in this kind of position before. How do you live with someone you love who doesn't remember that you love him?"

"It's always have and never hold

You've begun to feel like home

What's mine is yours to leave or take

What's mine is yours to make your own."

"I get your point, Bee," I told him quietly and he nodded slowly.

"If you ever want any help, just let me know," he whispered harshly and I realized his voice must be giving him trouble.

"I will." I turned and walked away once more. I had a few hours to get things in place before I had to get Side's from Ratchet. I only hoped the changes I was going to make would be for the best. I didn't want to lose my brother but I wasn't so sure about how to go about raising someone who was supposed to be my twin.

Ratchet POV

I watched Sideswipe pace around the infirmary a little cautiously. He still didn't remember me and therefore was still somewhat afraid of what I might or might not do to him. The only one he seemed able to recall was Sunstreaker, not that this should surprise anyone. He seemed okay around Bumblebee but I have a feeling that is because the youngster understands and remembers this age so to speak. He seemed scared of Ironhide, but tolerant of Prowl and impressed yet cowed by Prime. I'm not sure how Sunstreaker is going to manage this child-like twin of his; I can only hope that if he needs help, he'll ask for it.

I sigh heavily and decide one last check is in order before Sunstreaker arrives to retrieve his twin.

"All right, Sides," I say as kindly as possible, "up on the table and let me get one last check before your brother comes to collect you." He looks at me warily but smiles and slides on to the table, settling there quietly for the moment. I get a listen to his chest, I check the status and workings of his core and his cpu and I make him move his hands, fingers and feet and everything seems okay. I check his optics and he blinks a few times and I do my best not to chuckle.

"When's Sunny gonna get here?" he asks as I step back.

"Soon as he can, son. Just try to be patient." He sighs heavily and begins to swing his legs, bumping his heels against the metal table. I roll my eyes and shake my head before turning back to my datapad and making some notations. Another heavy sigh and I turned back to find him fiddling with one of my tools. I drop the pad and walk over to him, holding my hand out to him.

"Wha?" he asks almost innocently with a cheeky smile I just can't seem to resist. His optics are shimmering with laughter and I shake my head once more.

"You're brother certainly will have his hands full with you," I say, taking the tool from him and putting it back on my desk. "All right, off the table before you break something." He grinned and slid off the table, walking around the infirmary once more.

"Hey, Ratchet, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Sides," I answer, not really watching him as I went back to my data pad. "What is it?"

"If Sunny and me are twins, how come he's lots smarter than me?" I looked up at him then and sighed softly.

"We talked about this, Sideswipe. You got into a fight and one of our enemies, the Decepticons, shot you in the head and it wiped out most of your memory banks. You may one day recover some of your more recent memories but you've lost most of the older ones and your cpu is trying to restore itself, which is why you feel as if you're not as old or as smart or as knowledgeable as your brother or the rest of us. I promise you, you're just as smart as he is, but right now, he's just a little more… intact. Okay?"

" 'K" he answers before leaning against the wall. I'm not sure what more I would have or could have said because Sunstreaker chose that exact moment to arrive. He glanced at me almost worriedly but I gave him a reassuring smile as he turned to his brother.

"Hey, Sides, you ready to get out of here?" Sideswipe nodded, pushing away from the wall and clinging to his brother tightly. Sunstreaker shot a quick look at me before wrapping his arms tightly around his twin. "What's wrong, bro?"

"Nothing," the red one replied. "Just you looked like you needed a hug and who better than me, right?" I heard Sunstreaker chuckle and I smiled.

"Yeah, who better. Well listen," he continued, stepping back and looking at his twin, "I've got our room all set and everything's been cleaned out and set back up again so I was thinking we'd head there first and then, if you're feeling up to it a little later, we'll take a ride outside for awhile." He looked over at me. "If that's allowed?"

"Sure," I answered. "Just do me a favor and stay close to base for awhile, least until our little hellion here gets his whereabouts and such."

"No problem there," Sunstreaker said, turning his blue optics back on his brother. "Sound good to you?"

"Sure," Sideswipe answered before he turned and walked over to me. He damn near pounced on me but I let him, folding my arms around him briefly. It was a start.

"Have fun with your brother and come back if anything starts to bother you."

"Okay. Thanks, Ratchet." He released me then turned to his brother. "Let's go." Without waiting for an answer, Sides took off out into the hallway. Sunstreaker turned to me slowly and I saw fear in those matching blue optics. He wanted promises and reassurances I couldn't yet give him but I had to at least give him something to hold on to for the time being.

"At least he's alive, Sunny," I said quietly. "In time, I firmly believe he will be back to his somewhat normal self with most of his more recent memories intact. It will just take time and you have to be patient."

"I know," he answered quietly. "Thanks, Ratchet. For everything." I watched him leave and hoped, once again, that he could handle all of this without breaking himself down in the process.

Sideswipe POV

I had beat Sunny to our room and waited outside for him to arrive. I had a feeling he wanted to talk to Ratchet so I'd left him behind to do so. Now I saw him walking towards me and I grinned at him. He smiled back at me but I could still see the uncertainty in his blue optics. I wanted to make him feel better but I didn't know how. He passed his hand over the sensor next to the door and the door opened and I walked in with him right behind me. The door closed and stopped in the middle of the room, looking around you.

"You changed it all," I said quietly, frowning slightly. Wait. How did I know he'd changed it all?

"Excuse me?" he said, looking at me curiously.

"I mean, I don't think this is right. I had this… vision of the room and we had two beds shoved together and the room was, well, smaller." He sighed heavily and nodded slowly.

"I think, for the time being, this works out better for us both. The space is larger and we each have our own sides and enough room for our things. For now, just let it go. Please." I think it was that 'please' that did it for me, made me be quiet and just accept everything as it was for the time being. I was already losing part of Sunny; I didn't want to lose him all. And then I had an image, something I could do to make him feel much better. I stepped closer to him and brought my hand to the side of his face. He looked at me curiously.

"What are you doing?" he asked somewhat harshly.

"I want to make you feel better," I answered truthfully. "Smile for me, Sunshine." He stepped back but I grabbed the side of his neck and held there when he gasped in surprise. "Please?"

"Stop, Sides. Please." He put his hand over mine and brought it down, away from the sensitive spot on his neck.

"Why?" I asked somewhat petulantly.

"We can't do this, that's why," he answered, still holding on to my hand.

"I have images that say otherwise." He sighed heavily and stepped further back.

"What do you remember?" he asked softly and for a brief moment I saw hope flare in his optics but honestly, I didn't remember anything. I just had an image and I acted on it.

"I don't. I just… this is natural." I reached for him again and again he backed away.

"Don't."

"I don't understand," I said, dropping my hand again.

"I know," he answered softly.

"I thought you loved me," I pouted slightly. He sighed heavily once more.

"I do love you, Sides, and therein lies the problem. You don't remember me in that respect. You have no idea what I feel for you, what you felt for me or why."

"But we…" he cut me off by raising his hand. I saw his eyes flash angrily.

"Yeah, we did, when you were intact and everything was okay." I let the silence hang between us for a moment until another thought invaded my mind.

"Is there someone else?"

"What?" He sounded shocked and yet… there was something in his eyes that flashed then quickly disappeared. "No, there's not someone else, not that it would make a difference. It's happened in the past but… damnit, listen to me! I will not go around fragging someone who is the equivalent to a child, especially when he's my own damn brother!" I didn't know what to say to that and he bowed his head, trying to will away his anger.

"Sunny," I whispered, stepping towards him. He looked up sharply and shook his head, backing towards the door.

"I can't. I'm sorry." He turned and damn near bolted from the room, the door sliding shut behind him. I watched him go, I couldn't say anything more and I had no idea what I'd done to screw things up so badly or how to go about making them right once more.

Prowl POV

He was livid by the time I found him outside the base, pacing the deserted landscape, kicking at rocks or anything else that got in his way. Sideswipe had come down to my office, almost hysterical about the argument he'd caused and I'd had the lovely task of trying to explain his brother to him in such a way as to not reveal their bond to each other. That was something I wanted to red twin to remember for himself; for both their sakes. I'd finally managed to calm the red mech and had sent him off with Bluestreak for the time being and had made it my personal duty to find his twin and see what I could do for him.

It is common knowledge that, up until several weeks ago, most Autobots steered clear of Sunstreaker for fear of what he might do should someone upset him. But now we all knew what had driven him to his anger and coldness and some of us had even gotten to know him better as time had gone forward. I had found myself growing attached to the deadly warrior on more than one occasion and I suppose that is why I thought myself the most logical of choices to go after him at that moment.

As I stood there watching him, I felt something within my core tighten and I knew I was feeling sympathy for him. Out of all of us who had surfaced over the last few years, only four of us knew the truth of how tightly bound the twins really were; Prime, Ratchet, Bumblebee and myself. I knew, as I watched him that this had to be more painful for him than anything else ever had been. In a sense, he had been given back his brother but he had lost his bond mate. He had love without substance and loyalty without remembrance. I knew he needed someone who would understand; someone who knew what it meant to lose that part of your life. After all, Sunstreaker had been there for me when we'd learned of Jazz's demise and Jazz and I had been bond mates for more years than I could count anymore.

I watched him finally wear himself out as the sun set and sit down on the ground near a cliff, his legs dangling over the edge. I wasn't very happy with that, but figured I'd leave it be for now as I walked slowly towards him. I didn't think he'd throw himself over, but there were times I'd wondered. I know he heard me coming because just as I reached him, he held up his hand and I reached down and took it, letting him pull me down next to him on the cliff.

"You've been angry," I said quietly as he kept hold of my hand for a moment longer before releasing it.

"Not really angry," he began quietly, "just frustrated." I nodded slowly, listening quietly. "I just don't understand. After everything he's survived, everything we've been through, and this is how it all ends up. I remember everything and he's no more than a child who I now have to raise, re-teach everything to, and hope that I stay alive long enough for him to recover the memories Ratchet believes he'll recover."

"Prime wants to tone down your mission takes," I tell him quietly. "Thinks it might be safer for you and better for Side's. With him like he is, losing you might prove more damaging than anything else."

"He doesn't even know we're bonded!" I reached over and put my arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer to me.

"What started the argument today, Sunny?" I asked softly, not wanting to upset him, but needing to know what had happened and if it was fixable.

"He was trying to make me feel better," he answered, bowing his head slightly.

"And that started the argument?"

"It was how he was going about trying to make me feel better that caused the argument."

"I see," I said thoughtfully. "I'm guessing he had some… idea that by doing so he would get back some of what he'd lost, too."

"Probably," Sunstreaker answered almost painfully. "I told him I couldn't do it, I just… couldn't let him do those things to me, not like before. It's not right." I raised a brow slightly.

"He's your bond mate, Sunstreaker. How is it not right?" Apparently, I didn't understand any better than his twin.

"He has the understanding of a child, Prowl! I won't do this to him. Not until I am completely sure he understands everything and gets at least a few memories back. I just… I can't." He was vibrating from the energy he was putting out, his frustration making him shake as he sat next to me.

"You have to do something. You can't go back there to him like this. He'd touch you or say your name the wrong way and all your good intentions will be gone." He looked over at me slowly, his optics narrowing slightly.

"I can't very well not go back to him, Prowl. He's a child. I can't leave him alone." I nodded slowly.

"I sent him off with Bluestreak after he came down to me in hysterics because you'd walked out on him after the argument. Blue's going to take him for a drive, get him settled down and I told him you'd be along later tonight after Side's was in recharge." Sunstreaker nodded slowly, his optics still focused on me as he did so.

"Got my whole evening planned out, huh?" I chuckled slightly.

"Maybe," I answered somewhat carefully. He turned towards me, watching me all the while. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn't let him back at his brother in his current state of mind. "Unless you'd rather be left alone out here."

"I won't hurt my brother," he whispered softly. "And I won't hurt you, either."

"I sincerely hope not," I answered, trying to keep things from getting to serious or maudlin between us. He leaned closer, his hand resting on the side of my face.

"You should also understand that I am not a replacement for Jazz and you are not a replacement for Sideswipe." His fingers kept sliding softly along my jaw and down into a crevice just below on my neck.

"I should hope not," I whispered harshly, biting back the moan I wanted so badly to let out.

"Good." Before I could say anything further he had pushed me backwards and was on top of me, kissing me none to gently. I gripped both of his arms tightly and held him in place not wanting to lose the feel of him against me. After a moment of kissing, he broke off and leaned up, looking down at me and I could see something in his eyes that I hadn't ever seen before, especially not directed at me. I reached up, brushing the tips of my fingers across the side of his face. I watched his optics dim momentarily and then he was kissing me again…

As we lay next to each other later, the ground beneath us and the stars above, I felt a certain sense of wholeness that I could not explain. He sighed softly from next to me and I turned to face him.

"Regrets?" I asked softly. He turned to look at me and shook his head slowly.

"Just wondering where this is going to take us," he whispered softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want this to be a one time thing," he said almost worriedly, "but if that's what you want, I get it. I mean, I know, I'm not Jazz and I will never take his place and I would never want to and you're not Sides and you'd never take his place but this… this thing between us is… I just want it to… stay…" he trailed off and I was watching him, trying to hide my shock. It was the most he'd ever said to me in one breath. I knew I couldn't just let it go. I rose up and looked down at him.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him. He watched me for a moment before smiling slightly and nodding once. "You, on the other hand, need to get back to base and back to your brother. I think, perhaps, that you are… calm enough to deal with him now?"

"I think so," he answered before leaning over to kiss me once more. Then I watched as he stood and slowly walked away. I watched him go, then lay back once more and relived the past couple of hours once more in my mind.

Sunstreaker POV

As I walked back into the base, I had to fight to keep a smile off my face. I'm not supposed to walk down hallways smiling for no reason. I'd have every bot on base asking me what I'd been up to that night and I knew I wasn't about to let anyone else know. What had happened, well that was strictly between Prowl and myself; and I was okay with that.

I reached the door to mine and Sideswipe's quarters and I passed my hand over the sensor pad and watched as the door slid open. I stepped inside, the door closing behind me, and found my brother curled up in my bunk in full recharge. I smiled again, but it was a softer smile, one meant only for him. I would always love Sides. He is, after all, my bond mate and there is nothing stronger or closer than that to a bot. But now I had to start over with him and I had a feeling it was going to be a long while before I got him back to normal, but I was going to do it, no matter what.

I dimmed the lights in the room and sat on the edge of the bed, pushing him over just a little, which caused him to stir, his optics coming online a little.

"Sunny?" he whispered softly.

"I'm here, bro," I whispered, laying down behind him and wrapping my arm around him, holding him tightly. "Go back to sleep."

"We okay?" he asked again, his words slurred from exhaustion and I kissed the back of his head.

"Yeah, bro. We're good."

TBC….