Disclaimer: This work of fiction is an attempt to honor the writers, actors, and crew members that create ABC's Castle. It is not intended to divert credit or income from them in any way. Here's to you, guys.

Chapter Six

Kate got the call at 4 a.m. A gym owner had turned on the lights to find a body draped over the free weights. She had less than five hours of sleep under her belt, and a wine hangover. Every pop of the forensic camera made her want to vomit. She could almost call this instant karma, if she believed in that kind of thing. Of course it couldn't be a nice, well-maintained gym, one with new carpets and shiny equipment and a café. It had to be a grimy, run-down gym. The kind with a boxing ring in the middle. The kind that smelled of mildew and sweat, and had an inadequate, rattling old furnace that probably hadn't been maintained in years.

Actually, that was a blessing. The January cold penetrating the gym was the only thing keeping the dry heaves at bay.

She'd managed to interview the gym owner without embarrassing herself, and was just jotting down some notes when she heard Esposito approach.

"So, what are you waiting for? Aren't you gonna call in Castle on this one?"

Why did he have to talk so loud? She swallowed the thick feeling in her throat. "Can't wait to see your girlfriend again?"

"No, I just thought you said..."

"Castle and I aren't speaking at the moment." Her pen pressed harder into the note pad.

"Since when?"

Her patience reached an abrupt end. She glared at Esposito and took off her sunglasses, slowly, so he could see for himself what kind of state she was in.

He jumped back and put out his hands. "Whoa, Beckett. You're looking a little green. You want some water or something?"

"No, I just want you to stop talking." She slid her glasses back on and returned to her work.

"So exactly what happened between you and Castle last night?"

Kate set her jaw and turned her eyes skyward.

"Cuz you arrive at a crime scene hung over, then you tell me you and Castle aren't on speaking terms, I'm gonna think those two things are somehow related."

"Just leave it, Esposito." Where was a cold dark room when you needed one?

"Okay, no need to get all bent out of shape." He put his shoulders back and stretched his neck as he turned away. "It's not my fault you let Castle get you drunk."

Damn detectives. Why hadn't she stopped herself from giving him so much to work with? Her normal defenses weren't working as well as usual. Hopefully she hadn't given any indication about exactly what they did after they got drunk together. She tried to go over her interaction with Esposito like she was examining a case. The effort made her brain ache. She pressed her fingers to her temples.

She got an incoming call, and fished her phone out of her coat pocket.

It wasn't a surprise to see Castle's name on the screen. She'd wanted him to call. Not that she wanted to speak to him. She just wanted him to call. But he was still getting her voice mail.

By eight, she'd done all she could do at the crime scene. None of the neighboring shopkeepers had been around to see anything. Any surveillance footage in the area was being forwarded to the 12th for analysis. It was time to leave the rest for the techs. Somewhere there was a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich calling her name.

As she was leaving, her phone rang again. "Dammit, Castle." She pulled out her phone to find it was Josh. "Oh." She pushed the green button. "Hi there."

"Hi Kate."

"How are things?"

Josh sighed. "Alright, I suppose. There's so much to be done here."

Kate recognized the strain in his voice. The sound of the world's weight on one's shoulders. It was the one thing, if anything, she and Josh shared. She'd felt it since her mother's death, since she decided to become a cop. The feeling that for every killer she caught, there were three she didn't. The feeling that even bringing murderers to justice didn't make things right. It just wasn't enough. It was never enough. "You're only one person."

"They want me to stay on another week."

Kate stopped short as she reached the car. "Another week?" What was she supposed to do in the meantime? She had to level with him about last night. He deserved to know. They needed to have a serious talk and decide what it meant for them, what to do, if anything. She wasn't going to do that over the phone. It was an in-person kind of thing. And now she had to live with this for a whole extra week? She got in the car and slowly sank into the seat.

"I know. I was looking forward to seeing you, but I can't leave, Kate. I can't. They need me here."

"And what about me?"

He paused. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

It was an afterthought to him, how she might feel. This wasn't a surprise, but in this moment, in the state of mind she was in, the reminder was an annoyance. She supposed she couldn't hold it against him too much. That was what she liked about their relationship, wasn't it? The less they meant to each other, the less complicated things were. "Alright. I guess we'll talk when you get back."

"Well, hopefully before then. I can call you tomorrow night, if you like."

"No, don't worry about it. We'll just talk when you're back in town."

He was stunned into silence. "Oh... Uh, okay, I guess that'll be fine. Kate, are you okay?"

No, she was not okay. She was pissed. Not at Josh, though, and she didn't want to take it out on him. She was just...pissed. "I'm fine." She knew she sounded terse, but she didn't have the patience to soften her tone for him at the moment. Josh was a big boy. He could take care of his own feelings. "I gotta go, okay?"

"Uh...okay. I'll talk to you later, then."

"Okay, bye." She hung up the phone before he had a chance to respond.

She stared out the front window for a long time, watching cops and forensic techs scurry around the entrance to the crime scene, passing in and out like ants in an anthill.

They all seemed to know where they were going, what they wanted, if only in the context of the little task they were pursuing in that moment. Normally, she had that kind of single-minded focus, too. For the first time in a long time, she wasn't sure what she wanted. She had the feeling of being swept up in a current, with no tether to anchor her to anything solid.

She didn't know where she was going. But one thing seemed clear. Wherever it was, it wasn't going to be with Josh.

She looked at her phone. An icon on the screen indicated a new voice mail. She sighed and dropped her hand in her lap. Eventually, she'd have to find out what Castle had to say for himself. She rested her head against the cool glass, watching the scurrying ants for a long time before she finally gave in and dialed up her mailbox.

"Kate, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about last night. I mean, I'm not sorry, not about what happened, I'm just sorry I pushed so hard. I'm sorry I lost control. I hope you let me make it up to you. I know you have every right to decide you never want to speak to me again. But I really hope you do. Speak to me again, I mean, not decide to not speak to me again. Okay I'm going to end this message before I go any farther off-script. Call me. Please?"

Kate laughed and rolled her eyes as she hung up the phone. She wanted to stay mad. She needed to, but how was she supposed to maintain a good head of steam when he stumbled all over himself like that? She felt the current trying to sweep her away.

Dammit, Castle.

He had really screwed things up this time. There was no recovering from this.

Rick tossed the mini-basketball at the hoop on the bookshelf. Rimshot. Again. He didn't have the energy to retrieve the ball so he just sank further into the lounger and dropped his head to the side. He was never getting up from this spot. What was there to get up for? He nearly had the woman of his dreams, the one he'd waited for for so long, and had blown everything in one shot. What was there to live for now? Kate: gone. Nikki Heat: gone. Any hope of ever being happy again, knowing he ruined the best thing he ever had? Gone.

Alexis appeared in the doorway. She did a double-take when she saw him. "Dad, you look terrible! Are you okay?"

Oh no, not with the concern again. He rolled over on his side to shield himself from it. "I'm fine."

She approached. "Is this about Detective Beckett? I thought you two were good. It looked like everything was fine last night. Did something happen?"

His daughter did not need to be taking care of him. This was not the way things were supposed to be. He sat up straight, rested his arms on his knees, and tried to put on his dad face. "Sit down, sweetie."

She did, looking at him steadily with a worried expression.

"I don't want you to worry about me. This is just a bump in the road. I'll be fine. Detective Beckett and I will work things out and I'll be back to normal in no time." A blatant lie, but she didn't need to know that yet. He'd only left that voice mail five hours ago. It wasn't like Kate to ignore a voice mail, which meant she was extremely busy, or extremely angry. There was still a chance for the former, but he wasn't kidding himself.

"I don't want things to go back to normal."

He blinked his surprise. "Uh, you don't?"

"No, dad. I don't want you doing police work anymore. It's terrifying. I mean, I do adore Detective Beckett, you know that, but can't you just interview her to get ideas for Nikki Heat? Do you have to keep riding along with her?"

Alexis's pleading tone nearly broke his heart. He took her hands in his. "Honey, I had no idea you felt this way."

"I just want you to stay safe, Dad. But I want you to be happy, too. Is there some way you could do both?"

The impossibility of what she was asking made his chest ache. There was no happy without Kate, and no safe with her. He looked at Alexis, his brow furrowed. "I don't know, sweetheart."