-1Regarding Sideswipe Chapter 9

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and thanks to those of you still following this story. Sorry the chapters recently have been short, but it seems to be working better that way than to just keep waiting for more to come so, please just bare with me. Thanks. Here's Chapter 9 finally… please read and review.

Warning: much angst ahead. Bring the tissues…I totally blame the soundtrack for the movie for my mood while writing this…

Ratchet POV

I was the one who found him, our golden warrior, lying face down at the bottom of a ravine, energon pooled beneath his chest plates, optics offlined and his spark barely pulsing. In his hand I found a data pad which I subspaced for the time being as soon as heard engines from above us. I looked up to find Prowl, Sideswipe and others slowly making their way down the cliffs to where Sunstreaker lay.

"Prowl, keep Sideswipe back. I'll need Prime's help to move Sunstreaker." I did not want Sideswipe to see how bad his brother was, didn't need him to realize there might be nothing I could do to save him at this point. Prime came down the cliffs with Wheeljack and First Aid behind him, Prowl taking Sideswipe off to one side where Ironhide joined him for the moment as well. Prime knelt next to me and sighed softly, his hand resting on Sunstreaker's back.

"Ah, Sunstreaker," he whispered softly before looking to me. "Can he be saved?"

"I'll do my best," I tell him quietly. He nods and together, with help from Aid and Jack, we lift the golden warrior carefully and begin the trek back up the cliffs to where Prime's trailer is waiting for us. I climb in along side Sunstreaker's body and the trailer closes. I hear Prime give the order to head back to base as I slowly begin to catalogue Sunstreaker's injuries… and there are too damn many to count at the moment.

"Why, Sunny," I whisper softly. "You could have come to me, I'd have listened…" I'd have done anything to keep this from happening.

The ride back to base was short and before I knew it, I found myself back in the infirmary, the yellow mech on a berth, myself, First Aid and Wheeljack doing what we could to save him. Outside in the waiting area, I knew Sides, Prowl and Prime were hoping for good news. I was just praying I could give them some…

Seven hours later, I had Sunstreaker stabilized and it looked as if he might just live. Wheeljack and First Aid began the clean up while I walked out to the waiting area where a large group of bots waited for news. I was shocked at the number of bots waiting but I guess, in all honesty, I shouldn't have been; not after the way things had been in the last several months. Prowl stood, followed by Sides but I waved them back to their seats.

"He's stabilized for now. I don't know when or if he'll actually come back online on his own or not. The fall was bad enough, but he struck several rocks on the way down which did extensive internal damage as well as structural damage. His spark is online, though, which means he might pull through this, but the next couple of days will tell us for sure." I hated being clinical, but I couldn't get emotional about it. I knew just how close we'd come to losing him and how close I was to throwing it all in and letting him go, but I'd never do it. We needed him whether he believed it or not.

"Can I see him?" Sideswipe asked softly and I nodded and watched as Prowl walked him into the infirmary. I looked at the others.

"The rest of you, if you're not injured get the hell out of my waiting area and go recharge somewhere else. You can see him later."

I turned and walked back into the infirmary, trusting Prime to see to it that my orders were followed. Back inside, Prowl and Sideswipe stood next to the berth where Sunstreaker lay and I saw it in their optics… they knew how close we'd come to losing him, how close we still were to losing him.

"You two need to rest," I told them after a few minutes of silence. "And not in here. Go back to your quarters and rest." Prowl looked at me for a moment and I thought he was gong to argue with me, but instead, he turned back to Sideswipe, wrapped an arm around the younger bot and pulled him away with him. I watched them leave then sat down in a nearby chair and pulled out the data pad I'd found with Sunstreaker earlier that day.

Will it be enough? Enough to prove I'm not the traitor they still think me to be? Enough to prove that I love Prowl and Sideswipe both, even though others think me incapable of love? Enough to prove I can walk away to save everyone even if all I want to do is stay and be loved? I can feel it… inside of me now… the drug I stole from Ratchet. I'm sorry for that, Ratchet. I know you'll feel responsible but don't. It's my decision. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for any of them… I couldn't protect Sides enough, I couldn't love Prowl enough, couldn't defend Prime enough, couldn't do my job and still love the ones I needed most.

Regarding Sideswipe though… whoever finds this… tell him, tell him I love him, that I have always loved him and that no matter what happens, I always will… and I want him to take care of Prowl for me because I know Prowl will need him once I'm gone…

Tears fell down my faceplates as I read that data pad and I looked at the mech lying near me, the one I'd just spent several hours fighting to save. Would it be enough? I could only hope that the answer would be yes…

Prowl's POV

I wasn't about to leave Sideswipe alone, not after what his twin had just gone through. No, if we lost Sunstreaker, I wasn't going to lose Sideswipe. I took him back to my quarters with me and he didn't argue which bothered me a great deal. Sideswipe always argues.

He walks around the room, almost as if he is lost and I don't know what to do for him; much like I didn't know what to do for his twin which is how I lost him. I never should have pushed Sunstreaker away. I should have told him I loved him because it was true then; it's still true now. But I couldn't because I though that, by doing so, I was going to cause a rift between him and Sideswipe and I wasn't going to do that.

Now I realize just how wrong I was to let him go… to let them both go.

"Sides," I say quietly and the red mech turns to look at me and I see such hopelessness in his optics and there is nothing I can say or do that will take that look away. But I walk over to him and pull him against me, holding him, doing the only thing I know to do in that moment.

He comes to me, his arms wrapped around me, his head against my shoulder, and I feel the shuddering vibrations that mean he is trying to not to cry. I know how that feels. It's weakness and I hate showing any kind of weakness but I think, maybe, if I'd shown some weakness in the first place, things would have never come so far or gotten so bad.

"It's okay to cry," I whisper to him as I hold him even tighter and then I feel it… the first drop of energon on my shoulder followed by another and I know he only needed to hear me say it was okay. His arms around me tighten and I push us both back to the berth and sit down, pulling him with me and just holding him even as my own tears fall from my optics.

"I should have told him I loved him," I whisper softly. "I never should have pushed him away." Sideswipe looked up at me and he was so damn close… almost too close… but I wasn't going to push him away.

"He knew you loved him," Sideswipe whispered. "He was just afraid that his love for you wasn't enough to keep you happy. He thought you didn't want us both and that he was going to hurt you…" I slowly shook my head and brushed a hand down the side of his face.

"Love you both, Sides, and I was afraid I was going to come between the two of you and I couldn't do that. You're twins, you're already bonded to each other and I didn't want to come between that." Sideswipe shook his head and leaned in closer and I felt him brush his mouth against mine gently.

"We'd very much like you between us," he whispered and I laughed softly, my hand brushing his back gently as I did so.

"Nice to know," I answered even as I pulled him closer and just held him. "I hope we have a chance to make things right…"

"Me too," Sideswipe answered softly, resting his head on my shoulder once more…

TBC… just a note, I figure this story has maybe one or two more chapters before it'll be done. Please remember to review. Thanks!