For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.

School. Blech. It really cuts into my writing time… haha so here's part four. A little angst, a little humor. It feels kinda short, but I hope you like it! I have found that I absolutely adore reviews or comments or whatever they're called. So, if you have time, maybe drop me a quick one? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, any questions if you have some, what you want to see happen, if I got anything wrong (I am so sorry if I did so, please do tell me). Anything, criticism (nothing too mean?), questions, ideas, whatever. I like feedback. Hope you enjoy :)

Thank :)

M

Part 4

The 20 minute drive to Castle's loft was arduous, tense and almost completely silent. After wheeling the chair out of the side door of the hospital, I (wheelchair and all) was loaded into the back of a plain white van. Esposito and Ryan leapt into the front seat while Castle clambered into the back with me, securing the wheels into grooves in the floor.

"Martinez is on the move," Esposito told Ryan, who was driving, after nodding at a black Prius that was passing us, "Let's roll."

Ryan pulled out of his spot in a less than gentle manner, and I whipped back against the backrest of my wheel chair. As the vest slapped against my chest I wanted to scream. My chest protested to every breath and my hands automatically clenched against my thighs.

"Careful, Ryan," Castle yelled from my side, "This isn't a chase. You got someone injured back here." He sounded kind of mad.

I shook my head at him and rasped, "It's fine, I'm fine. It was just a surprise."

Ryan glanced in the rearview mirror and I tried to arrange my features into a passive expression, "Sorry Beckett," his voice was strained and his partner had a hand resting on the butt of his gun, "Just trying to get out of here."

"I'm fine, just go." I grunted. Castle reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed his fingers hard and he gripped my hand back, rubbing a thumb over my knuckles.

"I know," he whispered, "Almost there."

New York traffic was crazy slow as usual but we wove in and out of lanes, bypassing a lot of the lines some how. Esposito kept up a constant monologue, quietly keeping Ryan apprised of our position and things to watch for. They were so tense. There was none of the usual joking or jibbing that I was used to when Castle and the boys were together. They were all nervous, taking in every tiny detail. I supposed that if the situation were reversed, and one of them was sitting in the wheelchair with the GSW to the chest, I'd be acting the same way… maybe even worse. I was grateful for how much they cared. Ryan and Esposito had become like my brothers over the years of working with them.

As soon as we pulled up to Castle's building, Rick was unclipping the wheels of the chair from the floor. The boys threw open the door and they three of them lowered me to the street. Ryan and Esposito actually had their guns drawn as Castle wheeled me into the lobby, Esposito in front, Ryan covering our backs.

The lobby was empty as we hurried through it to the elevator. Only when the door had closed and we were ascending to the loft, did they relax their stances and holster their weapons.

Suddenly, for some reason, and completely without my consent, a giggle bubbled between my lips. The other three stared at me, confused.

"What's funny?" Esposito asked.

"Nothing," I chuckled, swallowing my laugher, "Nothing about this whole

situation is funny. But, for about twenty minutes there, I felt like a mob boss or the object of a sting operation." I cracked up again, not caring that my chest was throbbing. I didn't know why it cracking me up. We were in a ridiculously serious situation where a mistake on anyone's part could end up with someone in my position or worse, but I couldn't stop laughing.

The boys all looked at each other and then started to chuckle. The whole elevator ride was spent in a fit of almost psychotic laughter. It was incredulous and full of pain, but the sound of mirth that echoed off of the elevator's walls made me feel like, eventually we'd bet back to normal. Right now, laughing was the only think keeping us from breaking.

When the elevator chimed, signaling that we'd reached Castle's floor, the laughter had been pretty much controlled. We were all still wiping tears of laughter from our eyes, but the air of seriousness had returned. Four people dressed in painfully plain clothes were all milling around. As we exited the elevator car, they nodded at us.

"Security?" I whispered to Castle, studying each of them in turn. Non-descript males, from twenty to fifty. Average in almost every way.

"They won't all be here all the time. Usually just one or two at a time. I figured since you were coming home today, I should have a little extra." It sounded funny; him saying "coming home," when referring to me arriving to his apartment, but kind of nice. I liked the ring of us arriving somewhere together. I was too tired to berate myself for my less than controlled emotional thoughts. It was something to worry about later.

Castle handed his keys over to Ryan, who unlocked the door and went in first, hand on his gun again, Esposito followed us in ready to leap into action, but all was calm. Although I don't know how they expected someone to get past their security. It was pretty tight from what I could tell. There were guys across the street, the guys in the Prius who had made the block after we'd arrived. It was a serious operation.

"Home sweet home," sighed Castle, looking fondly around the spacious, modern living room.

There was a clattering on the stairs and we all whirled to find… Martha Rogers making her way down the stairs, clutching her keys and swearing.

"Oh hello, my dears." She called when she found that she had an audience, "Kate, darling it's lovely to see you out of the hospital," She leaned over and kissed my cheek before continuing to the front door, "I'm so sorry to run but if I don't hurry, my class on reactions on the stage will be there already and I really hate when they start without me." With a wave and a flash of red, she was gone.

Castle laughed lightly as he pushed the wheelchair over to the couch, "And there went hurricane Martha," the boys laughed with him as Castle took my hands and helped me stand.

"Can you stand on your own while I take this vest off you?" he asked, still holding onto my arms.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I replied, scooting my feet a little further apart to keep stable. Cautiously, Castle let go of my arms and unstrapped the Velcro from the Kevlar vest. As soon as the pressure was released, I felt a hundred times better.

"Arm up," He said, gathering the tops of the vest in his hands. I did as I was told and he gently tugged it off over my head.

"Oh, thank you," I sighed, sinking down onto his couch. My legs felt like jelly, just from standing on my own for that long. Weak. Ridiculously weak. This was going to get really old, really fast.

Ryan and Esposito hadn't moved any further into the house. Castle tugged off his own vest and sat down next to me, calling over to them, "You guys wanna stay for a while; we can order in some lunch, I've got a list." I found myself hoping that they would. I missed having them around all the time but from the look they exchanged I knew that they couldn't.

"Sorry, Castle, we gotta go." Esposito jerked a thumb over his shoulder indeterminately.

"Yeah, but we'll come by later this week to check up on you guys," Ryan said and I couldn't' tell if he was making some kind of innuendo but if he was I decided to let it slide for now.

"Bye," they chorused together and started to turn when I called out.

"Wait." They froze, Esposito's hand on the door, "Turn around. I want you guys to look at me when I tell you this." I heard them sigh as they turned. They were tense, waiting for me to lay into them? Why would I though? Was I really that much of a hardass?

"First. Thank you. You guys… you're the best. You've… Just thank you." they smiled and I knew I'd gotten off on the right foot, "And second. For the love of God, be careful. I don't want anything happening to you two. Especially not on my account. So watch your backs, wear vests, and take care of the girls. Don't be stupid."

"You worry too much, Beckett," Esposito said callously, starting to turn away.

"Yeah, we'll be fine. Rest up, now." Ryan added, following suit.

"Guys, I'm serious," there were knots in my stomach again watching them go out the door in to the dangerous world.

They turned to face me again, serious for once, "Really, Boss, we'll be fine. We got this. We're gonna catch this bastard. And while we do that, you get yourself better and ready to come back."

I sighed and studied them. Esposito, always so sassy and battle hardened from his time in Special Forces, Ryan, a little softer but just as good a cop, sweet and brave. They could not get hurt because of this. For me, for themselves, for Lanie and Jenny. They had to be careful. Sometimes they were too cocky for their own good.

"Alright. Get out of here." They both flashed me one last smile before they were out the door.

The loft was eerily quiet without them. Castle patted my arm, "They'll be okay."

"I hope." I mumbled.

He squeezed my shoulder and then stood up, "I'm so sorry, we just got here and all, but I just realized that we don't have your prescriptions or any food that the doctors said it would be okay for you to eat, so I need to run to the store. I'll be as quick as I can. Any requests?"

"Um. Coffee."

"Besides Coffee," Castle rolled his eyes.

"Noodles?"

"Sure thing." Castle grabbed his keys from where Ryan had dropped them and then came over and laid his hand on my head.

"Do you need anything before I leave? Water? Bathroom? A massage therapist?"

I giggled, batting him away gently, "I'll be fine, Castle."

"Okay. I'll be super fast. Alexis might get home before me though. Don't let her bug you," he called from the door.

"As if your daughter could ever bug anybody, much less me." I scoffed.

"True. I just wanted to see how it sounded."

"And?"

"I didn't like it. I'm glad I don't ever have to say it."

I laughed and Castle shut the door.

Being alone in the loft was nice for about three seconds before I started thinking. So many things were chasing each other around my head. Castle and what he'd said to me, my feelings for him, the shooter, worrying about my boys, my mom's case, how my dad was dealing. I was responsible for all of it and I hated how much trouble I was causing.

My feelings for Castle kept circling everything, finding a way to wriggle into everything I thought about. If I was going to be completely honest with myself, of course I felt the same way he did. I felt better every time he was around. He was like fire after a snowball fight. He thawed me out. He stuck by me through everything, through my tantrums and bad days and yelling at him and dangerous cases. He'd saved my life, almost gotten killed a couple of time because of it, and he made me … feel more alive. More like myself. I almost always wished he was with me, where ever I was. Even when I had been with Josh, some small part of me was wishing that it was Castle in his place.

I didn't know why it was so hard to admit it to myself. I was too guarded. My

walls were too thick, too high. He'd been making cracks in them for sure and he knew more about me than any other person except my dad. So how come this was so hard?

Well, growled the mean Beckett that lived just beside my ear, he did run off with Gina. He left you for an entire summer. He didn't call, he didn't text. But it was just you. He talked to everyone else. How much can he love you if he did that?

Things change though, murmured the voice that resided closest to my heart, people change, situations change. He loves you now, that's all that matters. Besides, he thought you were with Demmings then. And you never gave him a straight answer anyway. It's not totally his fault.

The voices kept up a continual fight, sniping back and forth, for and against Castle. In the end, I just stopped thinking about the whole situation. I was just going to get myself into a fury, trying to figure out emotions that I was (again, I was trying to be honest with myself) scared of. Besides, I was the queen of avoidance, why change that now?

Instead I started thinking about the case. There was something we'd missed, clearly and it was the thread that held the entire case together. If I could just figure that part out, then, everything would fall into place and all the deaths would be avenged.

I was going over all the details I could remember for the third time when the door opened. I turned, expecting Richard Castle carrying bags of supplies, making a comment on how I was sitting alone in his apartment. What I got was Alexis.

She came in and paused, seeing me sitting on the couch, "Oh," her voice was thick and she quickly looked away from me, trying to discreetly wipe her face, "Hey Detective Beckett, I didn't realize you'd be here."

"Alexis what's wrong?" I struggled to stand up and then leaned heavily on the arm of the couch.

She shook her head, mane of red hair flowing around her tear stained face, locking her arms over her chest.

"Lex, come on talk to me. What happened?" I was really starting to worry. She was a tough cookie and seeing her cry like this was giving me cause to worry. I wanted so badly to walk over and hug her, get her to talk to me, but standing was the best I could do.

"R-really," she choked out, "I'm fine. Just…" She started to walk away and I knew I had to talk to her.

"Alexis Castle, I can't move much farther than this, but I know something is wrong. Please. Talk to me. I can help."

Alexis froze, one foot on the bottom most stair. My heart stopped, waiting for her to turn and yell at me or else just charge up to her room. Instead, after what felt like years of deliberation, she slowly removed her foot and came to stand by me. As soon as she reached my side, we both sat and she burst into tears all over again.