For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.
First off, I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO sorry. I just could not figure out how to convey what I wanted in this part and I'm still not completely pleased with how it came out but… Gah. Beckett and Castle did not want to cooperate. The beginning isn't the best, but as the chapter goes on, it gets better, I think. I really hope no one's OOC but PLEASE tell me if they are so I can fix it. I have bits of the story planned out after this, but we'll see how well that works out… Also, this is clearly AU after Monday's (amazing, fantastic, stupendous, awe-inspiring, heart breaking, exciting, whatever other words you can think of to describe RISE) premiere. My best friend and I watched it and it was so … we had way too much fun watching it. I'm super tempted to write a One shot on it (I'm seriously considering it but… I dunno There were so many times where I wished I could have written Castle's lines differently!). I'm so excited for this season. Anyway. I apologize again for the freaking long wait. School and feuding characters are not conducive to the writing process. :P Anyway, drop me a review and tell me what you think, what you want to happen, whatever. Again sorry! I'll try to update soon! Hope you enjoy!
Thank :)
M
Part 9
Martha, as it turned out, had to go to her school to teach a couple of classes, so Castle, Alexis, and I curled up on the couch with a whole stack of movies before us, ranging from The Proposal to North by Northwest to Mulan.
"Where to start, where to start…" Castle wondered, running his fingers along the titles. Alexis and I were wrapped up in blankets next to one another, watching her father decide.
"Come on, Dad, we've got all day. Just pick one to start on!" She laughed, leaning her head against my shoulder. I smiled at the gesture, loving how close we were becoming; she didn't even seem to realize that she'd done it until her head was resting there.
"Alright, alright." He called back, still not turning away from the choices.
"Come on, Castle, this isn't life or death here."
"Okay, jeez, you two. Patience is a valuable virtue," he chided, finally, plucking a disc from its case and popping it into the DVD player.
Alexis and I laughed, "From the man who can't sit still for 30 minutes while I'm doing paperwork."
"Unless he has Angry Birds," Alexis added, smiling up at me.
Castle came over and flumped down next to me, pouting, as the FBI warning bloomed on the screen, "You two are teaming up on me, that's mean."
Lex and I laughed again as the movie began. A black star field and then….
The classic music for Star Wars started up and "STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK," scrolled up the screen. Alexis and I applauded Castle's choice and he looked satisfied with our reactions.
Star Wars passed in a haze of laughter. Rick seemed incredibly shocked that I mouthed every line along with the characters.
"I never would have pegged you for a Star Warrior," he quipped after regaining the use of his vocal chords.
"Yeah, well being a Trekkie is over rated.. I've watched Star Wars for as long as I can remember," I replied, smiling as his mouth hit the floor again. I swore I heard him mutter "Sexy…" as he returned his attention to the movie and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.
Alexis and I had great fun quoting the movie back and forth and Castle eventually jumped in. However, when Han Solo was being lowered into the carbonate, I stopped, remembering the following lines.
"I love you!" Alexis quoted from my side as Han was dragged away from Leia.
"I know," Castle completed in his best Han impression (which I had to admit was pretty darn good). I felt Castle glance at me but I remained focused on the screen.
Stay with me Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate. Damn him. My hands clenched into fists on my lap. I knew and he thought I didn't and I was too scared to tell him that I knew. What would happen when he found out that I knew and I'd lied? I wanted him to know. I really, really did. I wanted to be with him, to have him hold me and kiss me and tell me everything would be okay. But the (extremely loud) nagging voice took over at once.
'I love you' doesn't mean the same thing to Castle as it does to you, I told myself, he's been married twice, he's had… God knows how many other conquests. There's no way it would work with you two. And besides, he said that in the heat of a moment. Don't say you wouldn't have done the same thing because you know you would. If you bring it up, the whole thing will just be painful for both of you. He'll regret saying it to you and you'll just be hurt when he tells you. As far as you're concerned, it never happened.
But the rest of me screamed that I wanted it bad enough, that getting hurt would be worth it.
I concentrated far too hard on the rest of the movie, trying to drown out the lingering guilt and fresh waves of regret and fear that were still trying to drag me under. The only reason I was concentrating on my messed up relationships was because everything else was far too painful to even consider, and even though it hurt like hell, this was the easiest situation to dwell on. God. What was wrong with me? I couldn't even watch a movie like a normal person.
As soon as the credits for Star Wars started to roll, Alexis jumped up and popped in another movie. As it opened, Rick groaned next to me, "Come on, Lex, I'm sure Kate doesn't want to watch Mulan and you've seen it more times than you can count!"
Alexis protested as he started to stand but I grabbed his harm.
"Who says I don't want towatch Mulan? I love Mulan."
Rick looked absolutely dumbfounded but when I tugged on his arm again, he sat. It wasn't a lie. I did love Mulan. I'd come across it on one of my (very rare) days off. It was an instant favorite. I smiled at Alexis, happy at yet another thing we shared and she squeezed my arm.
Little Castle and I were halfway through belting out, "I'll Make a Man Out of You," when I realized that her father's arm had somehow ended up stretched over the couch behind me. I bit back a smile at the warmth that had enveloped me on either side. Warmth was just a "Castle family" thing.
By the end of Mulan, we had a sort of leaning train going. Alexis had her head resting on my shoulder, I was leaned against Castle's side, and he was half lying against the side of the couch. I wasn't really sure how we had ended up that way but it was incredibly comfortable.
Rick disrupted it by getting up to change the movie, Iron Man this time, and Alexis flitted to the bathroom.
"Enjoying yourself, Detective?" Castle asked as he sat back down and (seemingly unaware of his actions) slipped his arm back around me.
I realized that a small smile had worked its way across my face, "Yeah… this is really nice," I tipped my head against his shoulder again, "Thank you," I murmured.
"Stop thanking me," he muttered, squeezing my shoulder.
Alexis bounded back into the room, and plopped down at my side, curling her legs underneath her and leaning against the arm of the sofa, "What's next?"
"Iron Man," Rick responded, hitting the play button.
We were only just past the opening sequence for the movie when a tinny guitar started playing and a girl began to sing, "Do you remember we were sitting there by the water, you put your arm around me for the first time, you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine."
Alexis squeaked and leapt off the couch, tugging her phone out of her pocket. I stiffened as the couch jounced my limp arm across my chest. There was little chance that Castle missed it. His fingers traced gentle circles over my shoulder.
"Hey, Ash," Alexis was completely in her own world. One finger came up and curled her hair into spirals.
"I'd love to, let me ask Dad." Her face was shining as she turned to her father and covered the phone's mouthpiece, "Dad, Ash and his parents are going to see Wicked and they've invited me along. Can I go? Please?"
The conflict was evident on Castle's face. If Lex was here, he had absolute certainty that she was okay, but out in the world… we would just be endangering more people. But Alexis had been such a good sport about everything. Castle knew she'd take care of herself and do what he asked her to do. Besides, the chances of them going after her were… well not slim but less than him, or the boys, or me. I reached over and patted his knee.
Castle nodded, "Yeah, okay, Lex. But you-"
"I know, Dad. I'll be careful. I swear," She bounced over and kissed his cheek, "Thank you." With that the phone was back at her ear and she was gone, flitted up to her room to change and revel in young love.
Rick sighed, and I squeezed his leg again, "It'll be okay. You've covered all your bases. She'll be okay,"
"Yeah… Still doesn't stop me from worrying."
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat at the fear in his voice. I didn't know what to do. I settled for laying my head back on his shoulder and letting him halfway hold me. It seemed to be enough.
Thirty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Castle stood and answered it, leaving me to stare at a frozen picture of Robert Downing Jr. Alexis came bounding down the stairs again, now dressed in a light blue sundress.
"Bye, Kate," She half sang, hugging my shoulders lightly.
"Bye, Lex," I returned the hug but held her a moment longer than necessary, "Be careful kiddo."
She pulled away, shot me a sad smile and then tripped over to the door, kissing her father's cheek, and squeezing past him in to Ashleigh's waiting arms.
Castle closed the door and sank back down on the couch, pushing the play button but refusing to look at me. I extended the same courtesy. It took a while but he finally slipped his arm back around my shoulders.
We were nearing the end of the movie and Castle was falling asleep. His eyes would flutter shut and then moments he'd flinch and his eyes would spring open again, only to fall back into place moments later. Finally after about 5 minutes of open, closed, open, closed, they stayed closed. He must have fallen asleep.
I studied him while he slept. He was always watching me, doing paperwork, when I ate, when I was getting coffee, so I figured it was my turn now.
His eyes were erratic under his eyelids, darting back and forth. The dark circles beneath them were a deeper purple than the previous day. His cheeks bones, like mine, had become more pronounced and though he'd clearly shaved recently, stubble was spotting his cheeks again. He was so clearly exhausted, I didn't know how I'd let him go this long without talking to him about it. The fragile act he'd peen putting on for Alexis had fallen away the moment the door had closed behind her. My heart hurt watching him. I hated what I'd done to him.
Gently, I tugged the remote from Rick's limp hand and switched the TV off. He started awake as the loft became silent.
"What? Hey why'd you turn it off? I love that part," he complained, reaching for the remote but I tossed it to the other end of the couch.
"What're you doing?" he whined, trying to get around me for the remote, but I pushed him back.
"You haven't been sleeping." I stated, staring up at him.
He tried his best to give me an innocent look, "Wha… Kate, don't' be ridicu-"
"Castle," I interjected. I was tired of being charaded into thinking that everything was alright, "You promised to keep me in the loop." Unconsciously my finger came up to skim across the stubble on his cheek.
He seemed to crumble at my touch. His shoulders slumped and his face collapsed. His eyes sank closed for a moment.
"Castle," I whispered again. For once my brain didn't kick in. I just did was felt right. I drew up my knees and turned to face him, leaving one hand against his cheek, and placing the other against his chest.
Finally, his eyes fluttered open to look at me.
"What's wrong?" I murmured, shifting marginally closer and ignoring the ever present pull my chest.
He wouldn't keep eye contact with me longer than a few seconds. After the third time that he glanced at me and away I saw him swallow hard.
"Come on. I'm right here. You've been taking care of me. My turn." Pressing my forehead to his was ballsy for me but I felt like it was what the situation required.
"I…" he faltered, his hand coming up to squeeze the one that rested on his chest. I twisted my hand around to entwine our fingers. His other hand rested on my hip.
"I have nightmares," he whispered. I pulled back enough to look at him more clearly.
"You're dying in my arms. I can't do anything to save you. Sometimes it's Alexis or Mother… but you're always there."
"Oh Rick," I wrapped my arms around his torso and laid my head on his chest, "I'm right here. I'm okay, you're okay." It got hard to swallow, hearing him voice his fears. I had caused him more pain and it hit me like a punch in the gut.
His voice was rough as he spoke again, "We… I almost lost you, Kate. I watched the lights go out and there was so much blood…" he trailed off and I held him closer. His arms locked around me, almost too tight.
"Shh," I whispered, pressing my lips to his shoulder.
"And I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes you're dying again and I can't breathe. It takes everything in me not to burst in and make sure your heart is still beating. It's all my fault that you're here. If I hadn't gone back into your mother's case-"
"I would have done it anyway. Raglan still would have contacted me. You… you've saved me so many times. I'm glad you butted into my past. None of this is your fault."
I pulled away again to stare into his eyes. This wasn't right. He could not be blaming himself. I mean, yeah, he was an obnoxious, somewhat pretentious, cocky, interfering, 9 year old on a sugar rush writer, but he was my obnoxious, somewhat pretentious, cocky, interfering, 9 year old on a sugar rush writer. And he cared about me. That was why he did what he did.
"You hear me?" I asked, squeezing his hand, "Nothing. Is. Your. Fault." There were tears in his eyes and I could feel my throat constricting around my words.
Castle half nodded and wrapped his arms around me again, burying his face in my hair. I tensed for a moment before laying my head against his shoulder.
Cracks were running down my wall, spider-webbing across it, expanding out from one another. He just kept breaking them down more quickly than I could repair them. And I was tired of trying.
"I have nightmares too." I barely whispered my lips nearly at his neck.
"What?" he hummed, running a hand lazily down my back. I fought a contented shudder. It felt so natural and at the same time, so foreign.
"I have nightmares too," I repeated, barely louder, "The captain's shot and my mom's there and then you get shot and I can't save anyone. And I'm just… I'm drowning in blood or freezing," tears pricked in my eyes and I shuddered, remembering the previous night's dreams, "But when I wake up, I can't get up and find you, so I sit and wait and drive myself insane, imagining that you're dead. And it terrifies me." The final four words escaped my mouth before I could stop them, thankfully only a whisper. A huge chunk of my wall fell with a shuddering, echoing bang! inside and I watched to see if Castle noticed. The break felt physical to me. But the fears tumbling out my mouth seemed to be the only thing he heard. I had finally admitted out loud that world without him scared the hell out of me.
I shivered again and Castle held me closer. Half of my brain kicked in and started yelling at me for being pathetic and distracted. There was so much to be done and all I could do was want him to hold me.
"Sorry," I mumbled, starting to pull away when a majority of my body was screaming at me not to.
"What for, Kate? You have nothing for apologize for," he curled an errant piece of hair behind my hear and then left his hand rested against my cheek. It felt so familiar, normal, like it was an every day gesture.
"Still," I sighed, "It wasn't fair to you. I shouldn't have-"
"Shut up, Beckett," the demand was quiet but my head still snapped around. A small smile played across his lips, "I'm glad you told me."
I untangled my arms from around him to resume our original positions. We were too close for me to think clearly but I didn't want to leave his warmth.
"We're a mess," I sighed. Rick laughed and his fingers resumed their pattern on my shoulder.
"What do we do?" he asked, half amused, half serious.
I thought bloomed into being in my mind, comforting and terrifying in equal measure. Both logical and extremely stupid. But… I wanted it to happen… I could see it in my mind's eye and it looked like warmth and safety and … I wanted that didn't I?
Before I lost my nerve, I whispered it to the apartment, feeling my cheeks flush bright pink.
"What?" I couldn't tell if Castle hadn't heard me or if he didn't believe what he had heard… I really couldn't even believe I'd said it.
Sighing, I repeated, "We could sleep together…"
After a millisecond of silence, a full blown laugh exploded out of Castle.
"Shut up," I muttered, moving away from him, embarrassed for even suggesting it. I was being ridiculous for thinking that that would solve any of our problems. If anything, I had just created more.
"No, Beckett, I'm sorry. I just never though I'd hear you say that!" His all-out laughter had slacked off into a slight chuckle.
"Yeah, well…" For once I didn't know what to say.
"Were you being serious?" All traces of laughter had disappeared from his voice.
"I don't know Castle," I sighed, dropping my head back against the back of the couch.
"Why did you think it would be a good idea?" he asked, scooting back over so out bodies were almost touching again. For some reason, my breath caught in my throat as he did. I had been doing so well but now I could feel myself shutting down. No. I had to fight it.
"Just…" I fumbled with my words for several moments before saying, "I'd be there when you woke up, and so you wouldn't have to be afraid. And you'd be there with… we'd be there together." I suddenly became very interested in my fingernails.
"My thinking exactly,"
I cocked and eyebrow and glanced over at him.
"Really!" he protested, "Innuendos will return when you're well again. For now, all I care about is making sure that you're healthy and not scared…"
I laughed quietly and then sighed, "Okay," more to myself than to him. I had managed to fight myself and have an (almost completely) honest conversation with Castle. And it terrified me still.
The movements of Castle's fingers, which had begun again when he'd told me about his plan for the innuendos, began to slow and his arm felt heavier around my shoulders. I glanced up and another small, sad smile worked its way across my lips. He had fallen asleep again, his head beginning to sag against his shoulder.
"Hey," I whispered, shaking his arm gently, "Wake up."
"No," he muttered, shifting his head from his shoulder to mine.
"Yes, c'mon." A yawn swept though me suddenly and I found myself to be suddenly exhausted. "Castle, please," I whined sounding like him for a second. I changed quickly, trying to sound more like myself, "I'm tired, you're tired. Let's just go to sleep."
"Katherine Beckett, I never imagined you'd be begging me to take you to my bed," his voice was muffled and he stiffened in anticipation of the slap that he knew was coming. True to his expectations, my arm whipped out and whacked across his chest, "Castle, if you're not careful, I'm liable to rethink our… arrangement."
"Oh, come on, Beckett, give me one. I've been so good and it was so easy!" he whined, sitting up.
I laughed, an out-burst close to his, really, that hurt as I threw back my head. I winced and repositioned myself.
Castle sighed and stood up. Instantly I was cold, missing his body heat. Damn it. I could not be this dependent on him! Yes you can, Kate. No, you're Beckett, solving Mom's case is the most important thing. Be a human for just a second. Need someone other than yourself Kate. The internal battled continued to wage.
"Okay, okay," Castle stretched out his hands to me, "Come on." I grabbed his arms and hoisted myself up. The inside of my zipper dragged along my stitches and I ground my teeth to keep from crying out. Maybe I should have covered it…
"You okay?" Castle asked as we shuffled toward his bedroom.
"Fine," I managed to make my response sound fairly normal.
"Kate, you promised," he started, pausing for a moment as we passed through his study.
"Ugh, Castle I'm fine, really. I tweaked my stitches. It's no big deal."
"Beckett, I swear if you're being strong so that I don't-"
"Shut up, I'm fine. Let's go. I'm tired."
He made an irritated noise but we continued to his room. After depositing me on the near side of the bed, he slipped into the bathroom.
"Will you need to go in here after I get out?" he asked, sticking his head out of the crack between the door and the wall.
"Nah. I'm fine." He shut the door and I wiggled around until I was comfortable in his bed. I lay on my left side, facing away from the windows again. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. God, it was just past two. My eyelids felt heavy but my brain was still whirling.
I was lying in Castle's bed, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom so we could go to sleep. Together. If I had been told, three and a half years ago, that I was going to be sleeping with him, in any sense of the term, I'd have laughed in the person's face. It was ridiculous, crazy even. But somehow, he had weaseled his way into my life and then to my best friend and then… I wasn't even sure what we were now. But lying here and waiting for him wasn't weird. It felt oddly… right.
The bathroom door opened and I jumped, hissing as the zipper tugged my stitches again when I twisted around.
"Sorry," Castle mumbled. He slid into the far side of the bed, but scooted near the middle. He was close but not what could be too close. He was testing his limits. Most of me wanted him close enough to hold me, but I couldn't' tell him that. His positioning was okay.
"You're fine, Castle," I sighed, settling back.
"Every time you say the word 'fine,' I'm going to fine you," he muttered, "Nothing about this situation is fine."
"What would you fine me?" I replied, trying to ignore the last part of his statement, as he turned on his side to face me.
"I don't know yet. I'm too tired to figure it out," his eyes were drooping shut.
"We'll get to be fine," I murmured, stretching out my left hand.
He felt the bed move as I did and forced his eyes open blearily. Cautiously, he
stretched out a hand and placed it in mine. We twisted our fingers together and he shifted a little closer. Our knees just barely touched under the comforter.
"We will be fine," I sighed again.
His eyes fell shut and he sighed, "Thank you, Kate." In those three quiet words, he seemed completely naked to me. He wasn't Richard Edgar Castle, Playboy and writer extraordinaire. There was no hidden agenda, no insincerity. He was Richard Alexander Rogers, my scared, caring, sweet best friend. He needed me as much as I needed him and there was only one thing I could think of as a fitting, honest reply.
My throat seemed to tighten as I heard him but I managed to choke out, "Always."
A smile ghosted across his lips and my mind took off at light speed again. What was I doing? Could I be giving him false hope by saying and doing things like I was? But it couldn't be false hope if it was what I wanted too, right? But who was I without my mother's case? It was top priority. How could I expect to be in a functional relationship with anybody if I wasn't sure who I was and if a case was the most important thing to me?
I wanted him, us, this, where we were, curled in a bed together, comfortable, comforting one another, all the time, but I couldn't do it. There was so much that just wouldn't work and so much that we both could loose. I couldn't think about him not being my best friend. We were so solid but what if we were together and it didn't work. What would happen then?
But, argued another side of my brain, it could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. He would make you happy, he'd care for you, and he could do everything you ever wanted. You could dive into it together. You already love him. You're the only one holding yourself back.
Castle's soft snoring brought me out of my own mind and I smiled, watching. He was clearly asleep, so, carefully, I brought up my right hand and ran it gently through his hair.
"Rick. I lied. I remember everything. I remember what you said. I love you too." It flew out of my mouth, quiet as a moth's wings, before I could stop it and I froze as the final words tumbled from my lips. Oh God, what had I done?
Castle's breathing stayed deep and steady. He hadn't heard me then. Good. It wasn't the time for that. Where had all my freaking sense and self control gone?
Somewhere, though, off in a little corner of my mind, I was relieved. I had finally said it to him. I knew I could say it… maybe next time he'd be awake.
Castle sighed in his sleep and brought our clasped hands closer to his chest. I watched him for several more moments, brushing my fingers through his hair again before, snuggling deeper into the covers and closing my eyes.