Epilogue
THREE DAYS LATER
The shadows of Castle's bedroom slithered over the floor toward his bed where I was huddled. The dream had woken me, and I lay there, fighting off a scream, tears, and cold sweat. It wasn't the first, but it was the first back at Castle's. Alexis and I had been discharged earlier that day and, after some takeout and half a movie, everyone had crashed pretty hard.
The euphoria from a few days previously had long since worn off and I felt… empty. Well, when I allowed myself to dwell on the darkness, I did. But when I saw Alexis smile or laugh, or when I felt Castle's arms sneak around my waist or shoulders, leaning in to steal a kiss, it was different. But when he was asleep or I was alone, the sucking hole of my brain opened wide.
Castle had tried to stay with us at the hospital but between the two of us waking from nightmares every few hours on the first night, he barely got any sleep himself. After that night, we double teamed him and demanded that he go home and sleep. It took more than an hour, serious pouting (on Alexis' part) and some "bribery" on my part, but he finally acquiesced. By no means did the dreams abate but we both felt better knowing her dad didn't have to deal with us anymore. In the middle of our first night alone, Alexis had crawled over into my bed and we slept alternately. She got a couple of hours, and then woke up almost violently from a nightmare, making my entire body ache for what she was going through. Once I'd calmed her down (trying and failing to coax her back to sleep) she demanded that I take my turn.
At first it was hard, falling asleep. Every part of me protested showing Alexis the weaker side of me that would surely rear its ugly head when I woke up. So I faked the first night for a while. And then I 'woke up' and told her to go to sleep. The next day I pretended to have gotten a great night's sleep, for everyone's benefit, but by nightfall, I was exhausted. Still, I pushed the first sleep on Alexis. She woke up in a similar state as the previous night and once her sobs had finished echoing off the walls (They were going to echo in my head for several months) she turned to me.
"I know you didn't sleep last night."
I sighed and gave up easily that night, allowing sleep to pull me under.
It was a good system (when I didn't wake up screaming and need Castle's 17 year old daughter to talk me down. It had horrified me when she had to and that was why I'd become a master at repressing things, even in dreams now), although the nurses weren't too fond of trying to check both our vitals from one bed.
Shivering, I reached for the other side of the bed, wanting to just touch him, his arm, his face, anything to reassure me that he was still there. But there was no Castle on the other side, though the sheets still held some residual heat. He hadn't been gone long. Slowly, I sat up, hissing a breath through my nose. A light clicked on in the bathroom and I saw shadows moving underneath it. Castle. If I waited a few seconds or a few minutes, he'd come out and I'd see that he was alright. We'd go back to sleep and everything would be okay.
And then suddenly I didn't want to see him. I didn't want the guarded looks he was giving me; didn't want to feel responsible for the pain in his eyes. I didn't want him to crawl back into bed and hold me like I deserved it because no matter how much I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd caused everything to go wrong.
The toilet flushed and I had to move. I couldn't see him. As quickly as I could, I rolled out of the bed and padded over to the door. The sink was running for longer than normal. It was like he knew I needed the extra time. The water shut off just as I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible.
The loft was dark and empty as I tottered to the kitchen. The click of the light switch sounded like the roar of a jet engine in the silence and I half expected Castle to come barreling out of his room but, I remained the only mouse awake in the house.
Just so I didn't remain idle, itching for something to do with my hands, I plucked a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. Slowly, carefully, I drained it, trying to get exactly the same amount of water in each swallow. The task had me fully distracted, at least for a few minutes but it was enough. The weight that I'd felt against my chest had eased to a dull pressure. Uncomfortable but manageable.
I was stealing myself to go back to bed when I heard it. It wasn't much actually, just a muffled sound. A whimper, but I knew it too well already. Before I knew it, I was scaling the stairs much quicker than I should have been (adrenaline was doing a number on me recently) and then I stood, wheezing, outside her room. For a moment I paused, listening. The whimpering noise came again, clearer now that I was so near.
So I knocked, "Alexis, are you awake?" I got no verbal response just another noise.
"Lex," I called through the door again, "I'm coming in, okay?" Again no answer, so, cautiously, I turned the door knob and slipped inside. In any other circumstance I would have looked around her room but all my attention was focused on her.
She was curled in a ball, the sheets in tangled mess around her. Her hair had come out of the braid Castle had helped me put it in before she went to bed and now frayed out around her cheeks which were wet with tears.
"Alexis." How did I end up knelt next to her bed? Carefully, I reached out a hand and smoothed some hair away from her face, drying the tears. She shuddered at my touch and then her eyes shot open.
"It's alright. Hey, you're safe." Her eyes were wild and couldn't seem to settle on one thing. I'd seen it before. Hell I'd been it just a few minutes ago. Slowly, deliberately, I put my hands on each side of her face, ignoring the burn in my chest as it pressed against the side of her bed.
"Alexis, look at me. You're okay. Nothing's going to hurt you. Do you want me to get your dad?" Her eyes finally locked on mine. They were swimming with tears and still filled with terror but she was focusing on something now. Good.
"Hey, there, sweetie."
"No," She mumbled.
I withdrew my hands, "Okay, shh." but she latched on to them, holding them to her face,
"NO," she said more forcefully this time, "Don't leave. Don't get my dad."
"Alexis I'm sure he'd want to-"
"No," she half wailed, "Please."
"Okay, okay I won't. I'll stay here if you want me."
She nodded, and I could feel her hand shaking against mine. Another tear leaked out of her eye. I caught it and brushed her cheek.
"Shh. Hey." There was a lump in my throat now, watching her and I tried to swallow it away, "Does your shoulder hurt?"
Her eyes slipped closed for a moment, taking a deep breath and when she opened them again some of the blind panic was gone. Then she shrugged, sitting up a little. I glanced down at my watch. 3:28. Mentally I counted backwards to nine o'clock. I supposed it was about six hours between when she'd last taken a pill and now. If it eased her pain and helped her sleep, it was what she needed.
I kept one hand against her hair, swiveled slowly and found the little orange pill bottle on her nightstand. Squinting in the darkness I made out the words "one capsule every six to eight hours," on the label along with "Side-effects may include: Nausea, numbness of the toes, irritability, increased thirst, and most commonly drowsiness". Good.
I shook a pill into my hand and gave it to her then passed her the half empty glass of water that had been sitting next to the bottle. She took them willingly before collapsing listlessly against her pillows.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked quietly, running my hand gently over her hair.
She shook her head, "Will you just stay in here for a little bit?"
"Of course." I shifted so I could sit more comfortably against the bed, leaning my head against my left arm and wrapping the right one around my stomach.
"Kate?" Alexis sounded so young and I felt her reach for my hand.
"Mhm?" I gripped her hand back, wracking my brains for something to ease her pain.
"Will you tell me a story about you and Dad or the guys or something?" she murmured.
"Okay. Uh… Oh. Lanie can't win at darts, unless she's drunk."
A quiet chuckle rose from the bed, "Really?"
"Yep. We all found that out a couple years ago. The boys and your dad and Lanie and I all went to grab a drink, I think it was just after he got the Old Haunt actually. But anyway. Lanie and Esposito had just gotten together and we were celebrating closing a case. He promised to teach her to play darts but after a couple times of her throwing a dart and almost hitting someone sitting at the bar, they decided to lay off. So we all sat around and drank and talked and … well Lanie had a LOT to drink. So she dragged Esposito back to the dart board. Some how she got a bulls-eye every single time."
"No way." The remark was quiet and I could feel Alexis' hand loosening in mine.
"Yep, every time. I don't know how or why but that's how it goes all the time now..."
"Hmm…" I glanced up and found Alexis' eyes half closed.
"You feeling better now, Lex?" I murmured, forcing myself to my knees next to her bed.
"Mmm." She curled on her side around our hands and burrowed her head into the pillow.
"Thank you, Kate."
"Don't mention it, kiddo. I owe you from the hospital."
Her brow furrowed weakly, "Don't owe me anything."
"Shhh. We'll argue that later. Sleep for now."
She nodded some what hesitantly, but her eyes had fallen the rest of the way closed and her hand slackened in mine. I waited for several minutes, but when nothing but the sound of her even breathing filled the room, I gently pulled my hand from hers, and leaned over to kiss her forehead, grinding my teeth as I bent, wrinkling the stitches in my chest.
Sighing, I turned to go back downstairs. There was no way I was going to be able to get back to bed now. My mind had gone into overdrive, second guessing myself, berating myself, trying to justify myself but nothing seemed a good enough reason for me to have done this to Alexis. Not solving the case, not loving Castle (which I was seeing as selfish), not even justice for my mom was worth putting that girl through all of this. Nothing.
My mental diatribe was cut off by the silhouette in the door.
"Oh. Um. I was just… I got up to get some water and I heard her and just… came up," I started to ramble, drifting towards the door, "I'm sorry if I… over stepped or encroached on some paternal duty you-" I was cut off by Castle's arms winding around my waist and pulling me against his chest.
"I love you," he murmured simply into my hair.
Slowly I linked my arms behind his neck, pressing my face against his shoulder and breathing in that scent that was just patentably his. Slowly he walked us backwards out of Alexis' room, shutting the door as we went. Once we were out in the hall, he tightened his grip and lifted me onto my toes. I did my best not to wince as the tender skin around my stitches crushed against him but he felt the slightest tensing in my body and started to pull away.
"No," I mumbled clasping my opposite forearms around his neck. A chuckle rumbled in his chest and he replaced his arms, still moving back until he hit the wall, and slid down, placing me between his legs. Slowly, I let go of his neck and turned around, leaning my back against his chest and resting my hands on his thigh. One of his arms curled around my waist and the other wrapped over my hand.
"She okay?" he whispered.
"Mmm… She's in less pain and back asleep if that's what you mean."
"It's enough for now, I suppose," he sighed, sounding for all the world like a lost man again. My heart rose to my throat, "And you?"
I shrugged, twisting my hand around to lace out fingers lightly. I was long past trying to lie to him. He's stripped away my wall and cut away the part of me that had the ability to hide or at least in most part.
"Because I think you are in far too much pain and you won't sleep."
"I'm alright Castle. My chest doesn't hurt that bad."
"You know that's not what I mean," he whispered and I fought of a shudder as his lips brushed my ear, "None of this is your fault, Kate."
I made a noncommittal noise in the back of my throat, not trusting myself to speak. He was bias. He didn't see things the way I did. The acute danger I'd placed his daughter in, placed him in. It was over now, yes, but what if there was a … serial killer, or a sniper, or something as equally heinous and something happened to one of them because of their connection to me. The danger was never ending.
"How can you even think that you've done anything less than make us happy when you're around?" his fingers crept under the hem of my shirt, gently skimming over the skin between my navel and the waistband of my sweats. I fought off a tremble of pleasure.
"Because she got shot," the third shiver had nothing to do with the pattern his fingers were tracing on my hip bones, "And you're having nightmares. And I'm a mess that just… screwing everything up. And that's not what I want. I want you and Alexis to be happy and safe and not hurt. It's…" I didn't even know where I was going. There were no words to convey to him how freaking terrified I was. No way to make him understand the spiraling turmoil that was sucking at my gut, my chest, everything was just dark and terrifying and I couldn't breathe.
"Kate, hey, shh. It'll be okay. Breathe. I'm alive, Alexis is alive, you're alive. No one's going to hurt us again." His fingers slipped away from mine and I felt myself tense up but his arm just slid under my legs, the one around my waist coming to cradle my back. Suddenly I was in the air and Castle's gait was slow and measured. I locked my arms around his neck, trying to take in his smell again but I was just gasping for breath against his neck.
"Shh. Kate. It's okay." Castle had stopped moving and I was in his lap somehow. His hands were on my face and he was forcing me around to look at him, "Look at me, just at me. It's alright, I'm right here. Just look at me," When I finally found them, his eyes were a bright sapphire and the sight of them calmed me slightly.
"There you go. It's okay." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I leaned into the contact, focusing on the exact shape his lips made on my head, memorizing the warmth I felt. Shakily I brought up a hand a placed it against his cheek. The stubble had grown, scratching gently against my palm.
"It's all going to be okay. Darling's in jail, he'll never get near us again."
"How can you be so sure?" I whispered, pressing my cheek against his.
"I just am. Power of positive thinking." I hiccupped a laugh and pulled my face away from his to stand and take a few steps back I needed to pull myself together.
Castle seemed to get it, staying put on the couch. The loft was silent again as I paced and somehow ended up in front of the newly replaced window. Gently I ran a finger over the frame. Unless you'd seen the loft fairly often, you'd never know that the window had been replaced.
Outside, New York was alive and buzzing. The lights were almost blindingly bright, trying to illuminate the darkness that was the city's underbelly. People were just going to bed, or just waking up, alone, with someone else, warm, cold, perfectly happy, or in terrible pain. There were endless possibilities to what could be happening. A man could be proposing on the Brooklyn Bridge while in Washington Heights a woman rocked her colicky child, just getting off a 12 hour shift. Lives were being carried out and surely, somewhere, being ended. It was a dizzying concept.
Directly below us though, cars honked, couples (clearly drunk) stumbled home, groping, kissing, wobbling along, life was happening, even in the dead of night. I didn't feel anything though. It was like I was cut off. It must have been the shock. I'd been repressing it, first fueled by adrenaline and then by the desire to shield Alexis from it in the hospital but now…
"You've got that look." Castle's voice was much closer than I'd anticipated. I flinched and spun around. He stood at my side, staring down at the street too.
"What look?"
"That look you get when you're trying not to let your emotions through." His voice softened as we watched the fifth couple of the night meander down the street, winding along the sidewalk but not in a drunk way… Well no maybe a different kind of drunk. Their hands were twisted together. The guy whispered something and his date threw back her head and laughed before, leaning her head on his shoulder. He let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Love drunk I thought and then snorted at the absurdity of my thought. God Castle's really firmly engrained in your brain now if you went straight to love drunk.
Castle smiled down at the couple too, seeing the same thing, "It's cute."
"Cute?" I laughed, hearing the adjective fall out of his mouth, "You're a writer, you use shape words for a living and all you've got is 'cute'?"
"I would have used some other word a few months ago but now… Everything seems like it's too much for them."
"How do you mean?"
He pondered for a moment before answering carefully, "You let me in. You… love me and I love you and… it's like we shine brighter than anything else around. They're a flashlight in comparison to our super nova. No comparison. So yeah. 'Cute' is all I got."
The sincerity in his voice struck me oddly. I wondered if that was how he thought all the time.
"I love you Castle." It was the only appropriate response I could muster. The first time I'd said it had been the hardest to get out, as if the words were fighting to get through but now… I just wanted to say it all the time, every minute, scream it from the rooftops (cliché as that was), make up for all the time's I'd almost said it and then chickened out.
"I love you too." He reached over and plucked at my forearms crossed over my chest until I allowed myself to be pulled me into his arms again.
"Can I please apologize one last time?" I muttered into his shirt.
"You have nothing to apologize f-" he started but I placed my fingers over his lips.
"Please. One last time I swear. I just need it out of my system."
Reluctantly he nodded, "I'm sorry I got you sucked in the middle of this case. I'm sorry I didn't know when to stop with this case. I'm sorry I got shot in front of you. I'm sorry Alexis got shot. I'm sorry you can't get a normal night's sleep anymore. I'm sorry about your dreams and the fact that I'm no good at comforting people. I'm sorry that I'm stubborn and might be hard to deal with sometimes and kind of suck at expressing myself. I'm sorry for you getting involved in this case. I'm just… sorry."
"Are you done?" he asked, almost impatiently.
"I- uh yeah I guess so."
"Good," his head swooped down and his lips were on mine again. My hand came up automatically to tangle in his hair. His tongue skimmed my bottom lip and I shuddered, allowing his in and pushing mine out gently to meet it.
The kiss was slow, building but by the time I finally pulled away, I was completely out of breath, wheezing against the pain in my chest. Castle didn't help matters much. His lips didn't leave my skin, choosing to work their way down my neck. My breath hitched as he reached my collar bone, hovering there, barely caressing it with his lips, his breath.
"Castle," I tried to speak, sound authoritative, but it came out as a gasp, almost a moan.
"God, Kate. I thought I lost you again this week." The puffs of air against my skin became more irregular, faster.
"Hey, I'm right here. I'm okay." Role reversal. I was more comfortable on this side of the comforting.
"I know you are but… God, I just want to curl up in bed with you and never ever let you go again. I mean, I've already decided that Alexis isn't going to be more than 4 feet from me at any time ever again. That was just a terrifying day with her. She's my baby but you… I don't know that I'd do if you… either of you."
I stumbled us over to the couch, sinking against it and pulling him into my arms.
"I'd feel the same way if it was you." I whispered, running a hand through his hair, "But what happened to Mr. Positive-thinking? It's going to be okay. You just said that."
"What the hell do I know?" he laughed.
"Not much, apparently." I poked his side, trying to get him to look at me.
"Mean." He mumbled into my neck, dropping a kiss there again.
"Seriously though, Castle. You've seen me shot at before over the years and it didn't freak you out this much. Why now?"
He laughed in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "Are you seriously asking me 'why now'?"
"Yes?"
"Because now I can do this," his fingers skimmed back under my shirt, tracing over my hipbones, "And this," he tugged me until I was settled in his lap, halfway straddling him, "And this," he kissed me again, short, sweet, light, "Without worrying about you shooting me. I can show you that I'm so damn happy you're alive in ways other than bringing you Chinese and not annoying you for an hour." His nose skimmed my cheek as his lips rested against my temple, "I did freak out all those other times. I just couldn't show you. And you didn't actually get hit all those other times." His voice came out as a strained whisper over the last sentence and I swallowed a lump that appeared in my throat
"This was just a freak thing. It was the only case that I've been personally involved with and now it's closed. When I get back to work, everything's going to be okay."
He sighed and tightened his grip on me, "You're not going to let me come back with you, are you?" Well that had come from left field. I'd been putting off the 'work talk' until closer to the date that I was to return. But now that he'd brought it up…
I tensed preparing for the battle that was to ensue, "It's too dangerous. I can't imagine… And much as I want you there, I don't want you there. You're safer here, at home, doing your actual job," the jibe made him last and I continued, getting more serious again after our giggles had abated, "It'll be more dangerous now than before if you come back, because I'll be distracted thinking about you if you're there. Lex'll be on my side when she wakes up."
I didn't get the answer I'd been tensing for, "Fine."
Wait, what? Fine? "Huh?"
"On two conditions. And I swear, Beckett, if you don't agree, I'll go vigilante-ing around the city myself."
"Is 'vigilante-ing' even a work?" I snickered.
"I have no idea but since I said it just now, I decree it to be so. But that's not what matters now."
"What are your conditions, Castle?"
"Alright… One: You keep talking cases with me."
I responded without a thought, "Of course, couldn't stop me if you wanted to."
"Oh I don't,"
"What's the second one?" The air seemed to thicken with anticipation. I had a feeling that this one was much bigger than its processor.
"You move in here when you go back."
Holy hell, where did that come from? I couldn't move in with him… could I? We'd only been… whatever the hell we were now for a week-ish.
"As in…?" I stalled.
"As in home. As in we share one bed every night that you're home. As in 'our' room, 'our' bathroom, 'our' kitchen. I want you to come here when you come home. To sit down to dinner with us whenever you can get away and then snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie. I want you around all the time. I want to be able to see you after work every day just to re-assure myself that you're okay. Please. Move in."
For about four seconds my brain went into over load, processing, spouting out pros and cons, pushing him away, clutching him close until… BOOM. It just shut down and I said the first word that I thought of.
"Yes."
The smile that spit his face was infectious and I couldn't help but return one, "Really?"
"Yes, Castle. I'll move in with you. I mean if it's alright with your mother and Alexis and if you don't get sick of me by then and if you're sure."
He grabbed my face in his hands and pretty effectively ended my ramblings. When the heavy breathing got to be too much for my chest, I separated, leaving our foreheads pressed together.
"Mother and Alexis will be thrilled and how could you think I'd ever get sick of you?"
"I dunno Castle, I'm kind of hard to handle sometimes."
"Oh I think I'm up to it." He growled in my ear.
My brain kicked back on and I considered what had just happened. I was moving in with Richard Castle. The 9 year-old writer on a sugar rush. He wanted me around and I'd consented with barely a thought. The wall really was down. I'd let myself do what I wanted. I was sure that at some point I'd start to question if but for the moment I was perfectly content to be lulled to sleep by Castle's warmth, heart beat, the sound of his breathing and the promise of our extraordinary, future possibilities.
"You wanna go to bed now?" he whispered after several moments of silence between us as I continued to awe at what had just happened.
"Mmm." I nodded, suddenly exhausted.
He stood, not bothering to put me down and started to move towards his bedroom when I stopped him.
"Can we sleep in the guest room? I want to… Alexis and I got used to each other in the hospital and I want to be up there if she has another nightmare if… if that's okay with you?" I realized that I was most definantly pushing into 'daddy territory' but I couldn't help myself.
"Do I mind that you want to protect my kid?" he muttered sarcastically, "Hmm, let me think about that."
I reached up and twisted his ear.
"Apples, apples!" he yelped, gently dropping my feet before his hand flew to his ear, "There's no need for roughness, Detective, I was just joking."
I swallowed a joke about liking it rough and continued, "Seriously though, if that's like 'daddy territory' I totally get-"
"Kate, I love that you and Alexis are so… well you know. It makes me so happy. Of course we can sleep in the guest bedroom."
"Okay." I took his hand and we started up the stairs. We had to stop about halfway up and I shivered as cold sweat collected at the base of my neck. Jesus, adrenaline was a strong thing. I hadn't felt anything when I leapt up the stairs earlier.
"How'd you make it up a few minutes ago?" Castle asked in a hushed whisper as we snuck past Alexis' door.
"Adrenaline's a magical thing." I responded, wrapping an arm around my chest.
"You need some pain meds?" he asked, as we ducked into the guest room and I sagged heavily against the bed frame.
"No. I'm fine." I waved him away.
"Kate…"
"Seriously, I just need to sleep. It doesn't hurt that bad."
He huffed but helped me into the bed, "You don't have to be Wonder Woman around me."
"Pain meds make the nightmares worse, okay?" I snapped at him, suddenly insanely irritated with his caring. Ergh, I didn't mean to do that.
"Oh. Kate. I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."
"It's completely understandable."
"Stop being so understanding, damn it," I muttered, as he snuggled under the blankets next to me, "Makes me feel like a bitch again."
"Kate you're not a bitch. I never want to hear you say that. You're in pain and what's supposed to help makes it worse. And your boyfriend's a buffoon for not letting it drop."
My heart skipped a beat at 'boyfriend' but I was so tired and sore that I let it slide. Next time though I'd give him double hell for it.
Instead I just shook my head and tried to get comfortable. The only position that worked was on my side, facing away from Castle. No, I wanted his arms around me that night.
Seeming to sense my desires, Rick crept closer and wrapped an arm around my stomach, spooning my back to his chest. I relaxed into the hold and intertwined the fingers on my abdomen that were now tracing circles over my shirt.
"'Night Kate. Love you." His face was buried in my hair again.
"Love you too." I sighed, snuggling back in his arms more.
Some times, soon, I'd get up, get well, and get back to the precinct. I'd keep finding justice with Ryan and Esposito. I'd see my dad, I'd visit my mom's grave and give her the good news. I'd continue my life and handle whatever came my way.
But for the moment, I was happy to feel Castle's warmth all around me and know that everything was finally getting to be how it should be.
For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.
First: ARE YOU READY FOR KILL SHOT AND CUFFED? Because I sure as hell am! Welp, that's is it. The last chapter of Warm. Thank you guys so much for reading this. It was great fun and I hope you all enjoyed it. The last little bit's a little (extremely) fluffy but oh well. We've had enough angst, yes? Hopefully I'll get a chance to write more stuff with Castle. I'm kind of sad this is over :(
Anyway. PLEASE, leave me a review of your thoughts if you don't mind :) Hope you enjoyed.
Thank :)
M