A/N: I haven't written in a while, but I wanted to try again. Here is just a quick drabble. Please review!
Its been 2 years, 3 months, and 9 days, Rachel. That's 831 days. Remember that card you got me? With the 8-3-1 poem? "8 letters, 3 words, 1 special person-I love you!" You always said that to me. "I love you, I love you, I'll love you forever and always, babe" And I'd say back, "I love you, I love you, I'll love you until the end of time."
We'd fall asleep in each others arms, just saying "I love you" and when you'd leave in the morning we'd hug for 10 minutes, saying "I Love you" the whole time. We'd turn on our favorite songs and sing the lyrics while looking into each other's eyes. Our favorite song was "1,2,3,4 (I love you)"
We said that when we turned 18 we'd get matching tattoos that said "I love you." We said we'd have a love-themed wedding. (We never did figure out how that would work.) We wrote "I love you" all over each others legs.
I cried as I told Mercedes about all this, and she just said "Well, fuck love" and I tried to keep that in my mind. But then I watched Mike as he surprised Tina with flowers, making her smile and kiss him. I watch as Brittany tries her best to bake Santana a birthday cake. Even though it fails, Santana kisses her and thanks her.
I realized that love is a beautiful thing, but it takes work. When people are in love, they say it a lot, but more often, they show it. When Brittany's cat died, Santana stayed up with her all night while she cried. She didn't just say "I love you", she showed her love. When I didn't get into UCLA you told me you loved me 100 times, but you didn't stay up with me, and I didn't expect you to.
And I realized you never loved me, and I never loved you. It was just a game we played to get us through. And boy, did it work. Those were the best 11 months of my life, at least on the surface. I remember our relationship breaking down for some invisible reason. There was never any love. We fit well together, we got along, and we sure as hell knew how to say "I love you," but we never did love each other. I think we knew it subconsciously. In all honesty, I think you knew it on a higher level than me. You're a dreamer in many things, but you often seem to have a pretty good grip on love. I'm grounded but I can easily lose myself. We made ourselves think we were in love, and it felt so good.
I still cry about it. I wish I could stop the tears, but I can't. I'm not crying because I lost you. I'm crying because I realize I never even had you.