Just a little bit of news

Part three

Notes:

Thank you for your reviews!

For part three I'm using ideas offered by a couple of reviewers (please read the notes at the end of the chapter). In fact, it was mmkfire's comment that inspired me to write this, (thanks!)

Some of my favorite moments in IM and IM2 come from Tony interacting with JARVIS and his robots Dummy and 'you', so I always find an excuse to include them.

"I got it… I got it…" Tony Stark said, fingers feverishly moving all over the keyboard. "I got…"

Suddenly, just as the formula he was working on started to take shape, it disappeared from the screen.

Tony stared in disbelief.

"JARVIS? Did you just kill the program?"

"Yes, sir," JARVIS said unrepentantly. "It's eleven-thirty."

"What, already?" Tony said, stalling. "Come on, JARVIS, can't we do this another time? I've got all these projects -"

"The Baby talk translators can wait, sir." JARVIS said, "So can the cribs with force fields and the hovering strollers. My project, on the other hand, cannot be postponed indefinitely. May I remind you how imperative it's for you to become familiar with the entire process?"

"But I've seen births before," Tony said, still unwilling to move from his desk. "I saw a movie just a couple of years ago –what was its name?"

"Movies don't depict reality, sir. Especially the ones you favor."

"You don't have to be patronizing," Tony muttered.

"I have compiled a number of documentaries that show real-life couples dealing with the birth of their first child. What you will see are actual births, not reenactments; they will prepare you for every eventuality -"

"I thought the doctors took care of those," Tony mumbled.

"Yes, sir. However, fathers-to-be are no longer the passive spectators of their children's births. Nowadays, mothers-to-be expect their husbands to come into the operation room with them; some even expect the husband to cut the umbilical cord themselves."

Tony winced. "Potts wouldn't want me to do that."

"Sir, you cannot make assumptions on the matter. You must be prepared for every -"

"Every eventuality," Tony replied. "I get it."

"Shall we begin?" And JARVIS pointedly killed every light in the workshop, except for the ones leading to the TV room.

Feeling like a little boy under the gaze of a stern teacher, Tony reluctantly rose.

"Fine," he said. "I'll watch. Hey, Dummy," he called out. "Get me some popcorn, will ya? And a beer." Then, to himself, he added, "And a noose to hang myself with."

"I heard that, sir."

"Good."

"Dummy heard it too."

"Oh, shit. Dummy, just kill the order, ok? No, not 'kill'" he amended quickly. "Just forget what I said."

Resigned, he took a seat and waited for the show to begin.

The documentary started by presenting a series of snapshots of a couple –Mavis and Ed, according to the narrator – from their days as high school sweethearts to their big wedding day.

Tony fidgeted as actual footage of the wedding was shown. Weddings made him nervous.

"Idiot," he muttered under his breath as Ed toasted his bride. "This is boring, JARVIS."

"I think you should familiarize yourself with this type of ceremony, sir. After all, one day you might want to -"

"No way in hell," Tony said firmly.

The documentary moved to the present, three years after the wedding. Ed looked into the camera as he announced his child's impending birth. "I'm gonna be a daddy," he said, smiling idiotically.

Tony was appalled by what he saw.

"Whoa! Dude, you've really let yourself go." For Ed had grown a belly and an unflattering moustache.

"Married men usually do, sir," JARVIS said.

"Yet another reason not to marry," Tony muttered. "I don't wanna look like that."

"You would never look like that, sir," JARVIS said promptly. "Your vanity would not allow you to let yourself go."

Tony glanced over his shoulder. "It's called self-respect, JARVIS;" he retorted. "If I were vain, I would -"

"Sir, the documentary isn't over yet."

Tony looked back just in time to see a disheveled woman lurk in the background. She was openly glaring at Ed. "Who's that?"

"That's Mavis, sir."

"Whoa!" The woman looked nothing like the blushing bride or the engaging professional they'd shown before. "My God! How many kids is she having –a dozen?"

"Only one, sir."

"Yikes."

"Sir, it is entirely natural for a woman to put on weight during a pregnancy."

"If you say so," Tony muttered doubtfully, looking back at the screen. He frowned. "You don't think Pepper's gonna look like that, do you?"

"It is possible sir."

"Oh, boy."

"May I remind you that she is nurturing the child growing inside her, sir?"

"I know; I was just -"

"Your child, sir."

"Ok, ok. I get it: I need to be sensitive."

"However," JARVIS said after a moment, "It does seem that Mavis has ingested one pint of ice cream too many, sir."

Tony smiled.

Mavis and Ed were at the gynecologist now, getting an ultrasound of their baby. Mavis seemed a bit blasé about the whole thing, but Ed was nearly in tears.

"Look at that," he said, pointing at the baby's penis. "That's a biggie, all right."

Mavis rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"What's wrong with her?" Tony asked, mystified.

"According to the production notes, she wasn't feeling especially kindly towards her husband at the time, sir," JARVIS explained. "In fact, it was by this time that she'd started calling her husband a 'dick'. Apparently, Ed had been less than supportive in the previous months. "

"Well, he's being supportive now."

"I suspect Ed is mostly thrilled that they're having a boy and not a girl, sir."

"What a dick," Tony muttered.

Next, the documentary showed Ed talking to the camera while Mavis struggled to get her overnight bag closed. He went on talking even as members of the film crew helped Mavis get into the ambulance.

"He should be the one helping her," Tony said indignantly. "Hey, you," he said, talking to the screen, "Do something, for God's sake! Your lady's about to give birth!"

A loud screech interrupted Tony. One of his robots had started rushing from one corner of the workshop to the other, then back again.

"Hey, You, I wasn't talking to you," Tony said sheepishly. "Calm down, ok?"

By the time Tony looked back at the screen, Mavis wasn't suffering in silence anymore; she was frustrated, and Ed had become the object of her unhappiness. She was yelling at him, cursing him for getting her pregnant, and even for making eye-contact with her while they were in high school.

To hear her, Ed was responsible for every little problem they'd had.

Ed merely stood by, still grinning like an idiot and mumbling, 'breathe, honey, breathe'."

Mavis wasn't listening; at one point she delivered a specially charged insult that made Tony wince. "Whoa," he said, "She's got quite a mouth on her." He frowned. "You don't think Pepper's gonna act like that, do you?" He looked over his shoulder. "JARVIS? Do you think Pepper -"

"The documentary isn't over yet, sir."

Tony watched as Mavis was wheeled into the operation room.

"Ed isn't helping, is he?" he said. "He's just standing there."

"To be fair, there's not much he can do, sir."

"Exactly!" Tony said in triumph. "So, why do I have to watch this?"

JARVIS merely announced, "Mavis is three-inches dilated right now, sir"

Mavis was yelling at Ed to get her something for the pain. She was angry, and Tony couldn't blame her. They were shoving a camera into her face every time she had a contraction. And she was clearly in pain; at one point she howled.

"Ugh," Tony said, looking away. "That's not a pretty sight."

"Sir, you must turn your attention back to the screen."

"Is this something I want to see?" Tony asked wearily.

"Yes, sir." JARVIS paused ominously. "If you wish to be of any help to Miss Potts, that is."

"Boy, you're good," Tony muttered. He dutifully looked back at the screen, only to be confronted by a close-up of Mavis parted legs. There was something peeking out of her now; something hairy and rounded, and –

Tony jumped when he realized what it was.

"HOLLY -!"

Curiously, that was exactly what Ed yelled too… right before he fainted.

Tony didn't faint, but he was definitely queasy.

"Shit! JARVIS, turn that thing off!"

"I suggest you keep looking sir. The baby's head is crowning."

Tony looked at the carnage. There was blood everywhere –or so it seemed to him. There was blood on poor Mavis, and on the doctors' gloves, and there was blood all over the squirming thing being raised by its legs…

Ironically, Tony had seen something like this before –and in a movie.

"It looks like the chestburster!"

"It's a human baby, sir;" JARVIS said, voice heavy with disapproval. "What you see it's parts of the amniotic sac still covering him."

Fortunately for Tony, the camera zoomed in on Mavis once again. The poor woman looked like she'd gladly take a month-long nap. But what struck Tony the most was how, after being the object of attention she now lay lonely and forgotten.

"Ed should be there, holding her or something. Come on, man," he said, talking to the screen again. "Wake up! Your lady needs you! Where is he, anyway?"

"He's still unconscious, sir. He will come to in precisely eleven minutes."

"You had to give the ending away, didn't you," Tony muttered. He was still looking at Mavis. She looked too tired to move or even keep her eyes open for long, but that changed the moment she saw a nurse approaching with a bundle in her arms. Her eyes lit up with pleasure.

"It's a boy, Mavis," the nurse said, carefully placing him on Mavis' chest.

Mavis smiled as she held her baby, and at that moment, she looked beautiful again.

Tony frowned. "What is she smiling about? Hey, lady, that thing almost ripped off your private parts, or don't you remember?"

"She doesn't care, sir. She has her baby, now."

And Mavis didn't care, indeed. She was joyfully holding the little monster to her breast, cooing to it, calling it 'my beautiful, beautiful baby.'

Tony smiled a little. He could easily imagine Pepper doing that. She, who chose to see the best part of him, would also choose to see beauty in a wrinkly baby.

"Ed should have been there," Tony said. "What a wuss."

"He was unprepared for the event, sir." Unlike you, he could have added.

"I get it, JARVIS," Tony glared. "You were right, I needed to see this." Did he ever. He had a feeling the only reason he didn't faint was because it wasn't Pepper but a stranger lying there.

To think that Potts would have to go through all this…

"You know, JARVIS, we haven't designed anything for the mother-to-be. There's got to be something we can do."

"A comfortable chair would come in handy, sir. I heard Miss Potts complaining of a back ache the other day."

"I got it," Tony said firmly. He was silent for a moment. "There's something else we should be looking into, JARVIS."

"Sir?"

"We need an effective contraceptive. I am not putting Pepper through this again. Stark Condoms –more effective than an iron wall! How does that sound? No, forget it; advertising will probably come up with a better catch-phrase; meanwhile -"

"Sir, abstinence is still the best way to avoid a -"

"Get real, JARVIS."

Notes:

'Chestburster' is the creature that burst from John Hurt's chest in the movie Alien.

Mmkfire said it would be great to see Tony pass out when Potts went into labor.

Marie Nomad came up with the cool baby stuff mentioned here.

I've never had any kids, so this is kind of a stretch for me.