The taming of Tony Stark

Spoiler: IM2

Tony Stark had never felt as wary and powerless.

Tony Stark, (aka Iron Man, and one of the most powerful men in the entire world), cautiously approached the creature's lair.

Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please –

He peeked inside and found that yes, the creature was still asleep. It lay motionless on its back, in the same position it had held for the last hour or so, blissfully unaware of its surroundings or the fact that it was being watched.

This should have reassured him but it didn't; Tony knew the creature's ways too well by now. He knew the minute he let his guard down, it would wake up and announce its presence in the loudest way possible.

Tony sighed. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt as wary as this, or as powerless.

But part of him started to rebel.

Come on; you can manage. It's just a baby, for God's sake.

His baby.

He could hardly believe it at times. Not that the baby was his –hell no; one look at the creature and you could tell it was a Stark all right; its eyebrows and bright brown eyes mirrored Tony's, and one only had to look at Howard Stark's baby pictures to see the close resemblance. What Tony Stark had looked like as a baby would remain a mystery; try as she might, Pepper couldn't find a single picture of him -which prompted Tony to quip, "I was never a baby, Pepper; I came into this world as a fully-grown, wise-beyond-my-years seven-year-old."

(The truth? He had no idea why there were no baby pictures of him, and didn't particularly care. His childhood memories were blurry at best, and he had a feeling he was better off leaving them at that. Besides, life had begun only after he was sent to MIT).

Anyway…

He knew this baby was his; what he couldn't quite believe was that a son of his could be so… so perfect. So healthy. Not with the kind of life he'd led. Sure, Pepper was a healthy nut but she was only half of the equation. What if his not-too-distant past caught up with him through his son? What if all the drugs and all the booze, (not to mention the youthful bouts with VD) had irremediably rotted his DNA to the core?

As it turned out, his DNA seemed to be all right. The baby was healthy, according to the doctors; Pepper herself was content, and Tony had to admit the creature looked fine. Sure, its lungs and vocal cords did seem to be overdeveloped in Tony's own humble opinion, but did that really matter?

Actually, it did, especially at midnight, when an exhausted Pepper had to get up to tend to it; or at mid-morning, when she tried to give it a bath; or at mid-day, or at mid-afternoon…

The boy was a twenty-four hour challenge, made worse by Pepper's adamant refusal to get any help. She wanted to take care of the baby herself, she said -and she did, courageously, for about nine whole days.

On the tenth day, she finally remembered there was someone else in the house.

Tony had been working on his latest armor that day. He was just about to start tests when Pepper spoke into the intercom.

"TONY?" She had to yell in order to be heard over the baby's wailings. "You there?"

"Yeah."

"Are you busy?"

"Kinda. Why?"

"I could really use a hand here!"

"Want me to send Dummy upstairs?"

"No, not Dummy! You, Tony; I need you!"

Tony glanced at 'You' his other robot, then decided that's probably not what Pepper meant.

After a second's hesitation, he called out, "I'm coming, dear!"

'Yikes,' he thought when he saw the naked thing being held in the water. It sure looked different without its cute clothes on. It behaved differently, too; it squirmed and screeched, and it tried to escape its mother's hold.

It didn't like the water, that's for sure.

"WEEEEERRRR!"

"What can I do?" Tony said, hoping Pepper would simply ask him to repair something or take pictures or whatever it was that fathers were supposed to do.

But Pepper had other ideas.

"Could you please hold him while I…?" and she raised a soapy sponge.

"Sure," he'd said. (Well, what else was he supposed to say? 'Ew, I can't touch that thing?' Or, 'Ew, it looks like a red seal?' Hell no). "Sure," he said, and bravely reached for the creature and held it while Pepper washed it.

And that's how Tony Stark was initiated into the intricate world of baby care.

It was while getting splashed around that Tony came to a couple of realizations: First, that after ten days, he still didn't see this creature as a human being. And second, that if taking care of a baby was hard work, it must be doubly so for anyone used to having things under control all the time.

Things could not be easy for Pepper.

Tony watched as she lifted the squirmy thing out of the water and placed it on a thick towel.

"Hey." He said. He hadn't planned what he was going to say, but when Pepper looked up, he didn't hesitate. "I'm gonna look after the baby today."

She looked incredulously at him.

"What?"

"You heard me. Go have lunch with a friend. Or take a nap."

"A nap would be good," she said wistfully, then almost immediately shook her head. "No, that's ok. I'll take care of him."

"Pepper, will you do as I say for once? I'll take care of the baby," he said firmly. A pause. "After you tell me what I'm supposed to do," he added humbly.

"You would know what to do if you had paid attention to my presentation," JARVIS said quickly.

"You were dying for a chance to say that, weren't you," Tony said with a glare. He looked back at Pepper. "So, do we have a deal?"

Pepper didn't immediately reply; first she dried the creature and put some baby powder on it (it loved the pampering, that's for sure; it smiled and cooed, and was surprisingly cooperative as Pepper put some clothes on it).

Pepper looked up at last.

"Do you really want to do this?"

'Can you really do this', was what she was really asking, but Tony didn't mind.

"Yeah," he said good-naturedly. "I want to." Pause. "What, you don't trust me with it?"

She obviously didn't, but didn't come out and say so. Instead, she stalled; she picked the baby and held it in her arms.

"Well?" he pressed.

"I trust you," she said reluctantly, "But I, hum..."

Tony narrowed his eyes.

"Pepper Potts, I've been handling palladium and other lethal substances for years," he said testily. "And I've never had a single accident." (Apart from a few abrasions and cuts, that is, but he was hoping she wouldn't remember those).

Pepper wasn't impressed. "Is that supposed to be reassuring?"

"Hell, yeah. It means I'm tough but I can be gentle too -got to be, in my line of work. it means I can handle a baby." He looked around. "I'm gonna need a few things," he said, taking charge right away. "First, I'll take the crib downstairs, and then -"

Pepper was appalled. "You're not taking him to the basement!"

"Why not? That's where the best toys are," and he smiled winningly.

The smile didn't work on Pepper. Not immediately, that is.

She bit her bottom lip in indecision.

"You're not going to work on the reactor while he's downstairs, are you?"

"Pepper, give me some credit. I'm not gonna work, period. I'm gonna read, or something."

"And you're not going to play any music."

"Eh… Well, not if you don't want me to." But he didn't like working in silence, so he added, "Maybe JARVIS can sing us something fitting for the occasion."

"I don't know any lullabies, Mr. Stark."

"Then learn one!" Tony barked. More calmly, he looked at Pepper again. "I won't play any music. Anything else?"

"You'll call me if something happens, right?" she pleaded. "Even if you think I'm asleep -"

"Right; I will. Relax, will you?" He put an arm around her shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. "It'll be safe with me."

"He's not an 'it', Tony;" she said testily.

"I know that," he said. Then he gave her a look. "Maybe if he had a name, I'd find it easier to think of him as a 'he'."

"Yes, well, I already told you I want to call him Anthony."

"Tony Stark, Jr.? Aw, Pepper, he already has enough against him, being a Stark; if we call him Jr…"

"But I like the name," she cut in. "And before you say it, I am not calling him Tony Potts, Tony."

"I wasn't even -" he started, then frowned. "What's wrong with your name?"

"Nothing, except for the 'potty' jokes I heard when I was a kid."

"Oh."

"I am not putting Tony Jr. through that," she said with feeling. "I mean it, Tony."

"Ok, ok; we'll think of something, then." He kissed her again, then pulled back. "In the meantime…" And he started wheeling the crib away.

Pepper looked on helplessly, then suddenly sprang into action.

"Wait," she said. "You're going to need diapers, and baby oil, and -"

"I'll come back for those." He said. He was walking away, knowing all along that she was not finished. '3… 2… 1…' he thought.

"Tony?" she said, right on cue, "If you have to go on a mission -"

"I'm not going on any missions," he said over his shoulder. "Rhodey's gonna handle those for a couple of months. Didn't I tell you?"

Pepper followed him into the hallway.

"If he gets hungry -"

"-there is freshly-pumped milk in the fridge, I know."

"And please, please, don't even think about building him a suit!"

Tony stopped at this.

"He's just a baby, Pepper," he said, miffed by the suggestion. "I've gotta wait till he's at least five." He smiled to show her he was only kidding. "Ok?"

"Ok," she said, but she didn't sound very convinced.

He pushed the crib into the elevator.

"I'll come back for my final instructions," he said good-naturedly. He smiled. "Relax, will you?"

"Ok." She said, smiling faintly. "I love you, Tony."

He faltered. "Yeah," he said awkwardly. He still couldn't quite say those words. "Me, too, Potts. "And hey, don't worry; I can take care of a little baby."

But could he really?

He peered into the crib again. The creature was still asleep. Maybe it knew mommy was away and sleep was its only option.

Tony knew it was too much to hope for, but maybe –just maybe- it would remain like this for the rest of the day. If it did, then he'd have time to read the reports piling on his desk.

He glanced over his shoulder. Maybe he could go and get them right now?

He took a couple of steps in the desk's direction -

"Waaaaaaah!"

"Damn it! I knew it!" He went back to the crib. "Oh, you miserable -"

"Mr. Stark!"

"–I mean, you, wonderful creature. Calm down, will ya? You don't want your mommy to wake up."

"Miss Potts can't hear him, Mr. Stark. The basement is soundproof."

"I know that. JARVIS." Glare. "I'm just trying to make some conversation here."

"Sir, a ten-day old baby is not yet capable of intelligible speech. To expect him to hold a conversation at this point is -"

"I know," Tony replied, his temper rising. To himself, he muttered, "And if you keep using that condescending tone with me, I'll gonna pull the plug one of these days."

"Sir? I didn't quite understand what you said."

Tony didn't reply; he was looking at the baby. It was crying at the top of its lungs now, and raising its arms in a pitiful attempt to get his attention.

"Hey," Tony said, "You want me to pick you up? Ok. Uh -" he hesitated. "Let's see…" He carefully picked the baby, and was surprised at how wiggly it was. "Easy, kid. What do you think I am, a juggler? Damn, if Palladium shook like this, I would have bought the farm years ago!"

"Sir, comparing your son to Palladium is highly inappropriate."

"Oh, it's a joke, for crying out loud -"

"You are not holding your baby in a secure manner, sir; you ought to cradle his head with your right hand, while you hold his body with -"

"I'm trying, damn it!"

"You mustn't use profane words in the child's vicinity, sir."

"Aw, come on, he's just a baby!"

"Exactly!"

Meanwhile, the baby was annoyed and very vocal about it.

"Waaaaah!"

"Oh, you miss your mommy, don't you."

"Waaaaah!"

"Yeah, I know you like her better, but you're stuck with me today, pal."

"WAAAAAH!"

"Hey, it's your fault, you know. Waking her in the middle of the night… hungry at all times… messing all those diapers… Diapers!" He froze. "Oh, shit -"

"Mr. Stark -"

"Oh, shut up." Tony tentatively patted the baby's bottom, then quickly pulled his hand back. "Shit is right," he said wearily.

"Mr. Stark!"

"Ok, ok, I won't say the word again." He gingerly placed the baby back in the crib and examined it from several angles before he valiantly plugged into action. "Here we go. I know how to do this… JARVIS insisted that I practice on a realistic baby doll, so…"

"I knew it would be useful for you to learn."

"You don't have to sound so smug about it, JARVIS. Ok, kid; we'll remove this… thing. Oh, will you stop moving? Here we go... Ugh!" Tony held his breath while he handled the dirty diaper. "Jesus. It's worse than I thought!" He frantically looked around, then dropped the diaper into the nearest trash can. "That's going into the hazardous waste disposal unit," he mumbled. Aloud, he said, "Hey, Dummy, get me the baby oil, will ya? And the –oh, thanks," he added when the robot handed him the cotton balls too. "I see JARVIS made you practice too. Go get me a diaper while you're at it, will ya?"

Swab, swab.

"Is that better?" he asked the baby.

"Waaaaah!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know; your mommy's better at this than me. Well, this ain't no picnic for me, either, kid. In fact, the only reason I'm doing this is because at one time in my life, people had to clean up my shit -and I was not a baby anymore. No, not your mom!" he added indignantly, as if baby Stark had voiced a question. "Gee, give me some credit. There were nurses, or something. I was detoxing, and -"

"Sir, the child doesn't need to know this."

"He's only ten days old, JARVIS. He can't understand a word I say."

"But I can. And I don't need to know."

"Sorry, JARVIS; I need to talk while I work –you know that. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yeah; I was detoxing. I spent months in that clinic –a great little place in Switzerland -"

He chatted while he put on the diaper –or tried to.

Finally, he straightened up.

"There you go," he said. He stepped back to better appreciate the result. "See that, JARVIS? I told you I could change a diaper."

"Congratulations, Mr. Stark. You only ruined three in the process."

Tony didn't notice the sarcasm; he was busy noticing the air wafting from the trash can.

"Yuk," he muttered, "I'm not gonna be able to eat for the rest of the day. Oh, that's ok," he said to the baby, "I need to lose weight anyway." He did a double take. "Hey. You're not crying anymore."

In fact, the baby was looking attentively at Tony, as if he'd only noticed him now.

Tony playfully touched the baby's fingers.

"You know, I used to fall asleep holding you and your mom in my arms. I liked that. I liked feeling that I was protecting the two of you." He paused. "To tell you the truth, part of me wanted you to stay in your mommy's tummy forever; you know, so you'd be safe.

"I told your mom but she wasn't too crazy about the idea," he said sheepishly. "In fact, she called me a word I hope never to hear from her again. Oh, she apologized afterwards; she was teary-eyed, in fact.

"And it's not like she doesn't want you safe," he added (he didn't want the baby to get the wrong idea). "It's just… she wants you to enjoy life, too. She's an optimist, you see."

The baby raised his arms again.

"Hey, you wanna take a look around? Ok." He picked the baby and held him more easily this time.

The boy laid his head on Tony's shoulder and started sucking his thumb.

Tony approached the window.

"See that?" he said. "That's the sea. You can't see it from here, but there's a garden and a pool out there. What, this? This is your home –not a bad place, huh? And just wait till you see your toys. Hey, I've got toys too," he added smugly. "Only mine can fly."

He stared at the vast ocean outside for a long while.

"I won't send you away to boarding school," he said suddenly, his voice filled with emotion. "And I won't keep you at a distance. You'll never have to wonder whether I love you or not, 'cause I'll show you, every day. And I'm gonna tell you too. In fact, you'll probably grow sick of me and ask me to lay off the mushy stuff. But that's all right."

He glanced sideways at baby Stark. He was asleep.

"Whoa. Did you see that JARVIS?" he hissed. "He's asleep! It seems my voice has a relaxing effect on him. JARVIS. JARVIS?"

"Uh? Oh, Sorry, Mr. Stark. It seems your voice has a soporific effect on me too."

"That never happened before!"

"I suspect it isn't your voice but the words, sir. I sincerely hope you don't intend to speak this way too often. It's undignified."

"I wasn't talking to you," Tony retorted. "I was talking to Tony, Jr."

The End

Notes:

I'm not done with 'Just a little bit of news' yet; I just ran out of ideas.

When my younger brother was a baby, he used to cry out something that sounded like ENDEEARRRRRRRR, (especially when he was angry). I helped take care of him by the way, which included washing his cloth diapers. Yuk!