~I don't own these characters

A/N: Sorry about the slow updates people! God knows I need at least 24 hours of sleep to make up for all these sleepless nights and school crap. Anyways, here ya go!

Esme's List

Emmett stomped into the living room the next day, trying as best he could to get the image of the last yaoi couple out of his head. Who knew gays could be so creative in bed…?

Just as he sat down on the couch, Bella stomped through the front door with and angry look on her face. Yesterday, she came home redder than any vampire Emmett's ever seen. Now, she just looked pissed. She changed out of her skanky outfit as soon as she got home. Now, she donned a long cotton dress that went to her ankles. She must be feeling self-conscious…

She flopped down on the couch next to Emmett and growled loudly. "I fucking hate Carlisle! Do you know how many people touched my butt? I lost count at 30!" She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, making Emmett crack up laughing.

"I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Edward said, coming through the front door with Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Reneesme behind him. "Last time I checked, you watched 6 yaoi movies, but got a boner on the 4th one─"

"Shut up!" Emmett snapped, but it was too late.

"Emmett, I didn't know you rolled that way. Could of fooled me." Alice giggled.

"Aw man, your silent spree is over? I hope Esme orders one of us to stuff a sock down your throat. And I wouldn't be laughing, Jasper. I heard you giggling about Supermarket Boy with Leah. I'm not deaf."

Jasper and Alice glared at Emmett. They were about to lash back, but Esme and Carlisle strolled through the door. Carlisle looked amused while Esme looked sick. Literally.

"Ugh," she whined, "I feel like I'm about to throw up. I hate you, Carlisle. But you're gonna hate me after I'm done with you."

Carlisle's amused expression vanished, and nervousness filled its place. "Oh God…"

Esme turned to the rest of them with a smile on her face. "Okay, are you guys ready?" Unlike yesterday, no one was enthusiastic. Everyone just murmured slight yes's and turned away. But Esme exploded with enthusiasm. She turned to Carlisle with an evil grin.

"Carlisle, you have to aggressively hit on Emily right in front of Sam."

Carlisle recoiled as if he's been slapped. "Are you serious?! Sam's gonna kill me!"

"Well, it sucks to be you." Rosalie snickered. Emmett tried his best not to roll on the floor, but the look on Carlisle's face was priceless. Reneesme fell to the floor laughing, however, and burst into tears.

Seeing Reneesme's reaction, Esme turned to her with an evil smile. "Reneesme, you're gonna have to spend the day with Jacob without biting him."

"Ha!" Jasper laughed. Reneesme stopped laughing and threw a glare at Jasper that was as sharp as daggers. She definitely had a good portion of her mother in her.

"Edward," Esme continued, "you have to walk into a gay bar shirtless and do whatever the people in there say to do; whether grinding against someone while dancing, or going to into the back room to make out."

Edward's jaw dropped to the floor as Reneesme went into hysterics again, this time with Emmett joining her. Bella bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing, knowing that she was next. As predicted, Esme turned to Bella and cracked up laughing before she could get the words out.

"Bella…" Esme laughed. "Bella, you have to give Charlie a lap dance─"

"Are you serious?!" Bella growled, jumping out of her seat. Everyone was practically laughing now, even Edward.

Esme turned to Jasper and grinned. "You have to eat nothing but human food for 24 hours."

"Ew! Jesus Christ, this is child abuse!" Jasper wailed.

"Alice," Esme continued, "you have to watch all of the Star Wars movies!"

"NO!" Alice pulled her face into her hands and whimpered. She hated Star Wars. She couldn't even make it through one without going ballistic.

Esme, who caught Emmett rolling on the floor, laughed out loud. "I wouldn't be laughing, Emmett. You have to watch all of the Bring It On movies. All of them!"

Emmett sat up and glared at Esme violently. "I hate you."

Rosalie stopped laughing, realizing that she was the only one who didn't get sentenced. She looked up at her mom with begging eyes. "Mom, you love me, right?" she whimpered. "You wouldn't do anything to me that was mean, right?"

Esme looked down on Rosalie with mischievous eyes. "Oh, I do love you, child. But that's not enough to keep me from making you do this. You have to come on to Jacob all day long."

Everyone erupted in laughter again as Rosalie stared at her mother through a layer of hatred. This is gonna be a long day