~So sorry! I know all of you have been DYING for me to update!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters


Esme's Giggle

Carlisle leaned against the counter-top of his kitchen nervously twirling his thumbs. He had just got off the phone with Emily ten minutes ago, inviting Sam and her over to hang out with Reneesme. He didn't want to make that call, but inviting Jacob made him feel better. I can't wait to see Rosalie pull this off, he thought eagerly. Her, hitting on Jacob of all people? This is just too good!

The doorbell rang, shaking Carlisle with a healthy dose of reality check. He was about to get his ass whooped.

He trudged to the door, trying not laugh at the sight of Emmett sitting on the couch watching Bring It On. He opened the door, and put on his best smile for Sam and Emily.

Sam and Emily stood at the doorstep, smiling. "Hello!" they chorused together. However, Carlisle practically smelled the tension that was rolling off Sam's back. Carlisle knew how nervous he must feel. He was about to walk into a vampire invested house with the woman he loved. No doubt that he was on his guard. Wonderful, Carlisle sighed.

He stepped aside and let the two figures in. Sensing their arrival, Reneesme ran downstairs and jumped straight into Emily's arms. "Hi!"

Emily looked startled at the sight of the child. Emily's never met Reneesme in person, so this was new for her. Sam looked like he was ready to kill someone, and Carlisle could tell that he was about to say something, but then Jacob strolled in with a smile on his face.

"Reneesme, sweetheart, you need to be more polite." Jacob informed her kindly.

Reneesme nodded and jumped out of Emily's arms. She looked up at Emily with an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Emily giggled. "You must be little Ms. Reneesme Cullen. My name is Emily." Emily stuck out her hand for a hand shake, one which Reneesme reached up and took. They shook hands and grinned at each other, but Carlisle could see how strained Reneesme was. She was trying not to bite her.

Reneesme looked up at Carlisle, almost as if she heard his thoughts, and her grin widened. "Hey, Grandpa? Didn't you say you were going to teach Emily how to make crab ravioli?"

Carlisle fought with all his might not to reach down and slap the evil child. She was trying to get Carlisle and Emily alone, and he knew it. Carlisle mentally hoped Emily wouldn't buy into the bait, but his hopes were quickly crushed when he saw the look of excitement on Emily's face.

"Crab ravioli? That sounds delicious, Carlisle! Are you really going to teach me?" she asked with pleading eyes.

Carlisle mentally cursed himself for being so gullible towards begging women. He couldn't turn down a face like that. He smiled and scratched his head. "Yeah, if you really want to learn─"

"Yippee!" Emily beamed while jumping up. Sam laughed, slightly easing up.

"Hey, Jake?" Reneesme asked with another evil smile. "Since you know so much about cars, do you think you could teach me about my parents' cars? My dad seems so excited about his car, and I think it's kinda cool…"

She didn't need to say anything else. Jacob was already striding towards the door with Reneesme on his tail. That left Emily, Sam, and Carlisle in the front room. Carlisle sighed and took Emily's hand and led her into the kitchen. Sam was about to follow, but Emily shook her head and shooed him away.

"I want it to be a surprise!" she said. "Wait here."

With that, Carlisle started showing her how to make crab ravioli, while mentally trying to find an opening. After a the crab raviolis were in the steamer, Carlisle made light conversation with Emily. He couldn't help but notice the long scar that went down Emily's face. He wasn't being malicious or anything, but he couldn't help but feel bad.

Emily noticed him noticing her, and sighed. "Did Bella ever tell you about how I got this scar?"

"Oh, um… no she didn't… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. As a doctor, I can't help but notice things like that…"

Emily smiled at him and looked down at the floor blushing. "I can't believe you're a doctor… It must be hard…"

"Well," Carlisle said in a huskily, "it can get a little tough. But I just think about my family, and then I feel better."

"Is it hard to be so close to blood all the time?"

Carlisle walked over to her and leaned close to her, making her heart jump. "Actually," he whispered. "I find it quite easy."

"Oh my…" Emily murmured. "I-It can't be that easy…"

Carlisle bent down and kissed Emily's neck, making her shiver. "No, it's really easy. Do I need to prove it to you?"

Emily's breath sped up as she looked into Carlisle's golden eyes. She bit her lip and looked away nervously. Carlisle went to her right ear and blew into it, making her gasp.

"Are you afraid?" he whispered seductively.

"Y-Yes…" she stuttered. Carlisle lifted his head and kissed up her jaw-line until he got to her lips. He was about to kiss her, but he was interrupted by a loud gasp.

"C-C-Carlisle?!" Sam bellowed loudly. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Carlisle lifted his head smirked at Sam. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm cooking."

Sam's whole body shook like an earthquake as he glared daggers at Carlisle. "My fiancee is not on the menu!"

Carlisle looked back at Emily, whom has fainted against the counter-top with a good amount of blood rushed to her face. "Whoops. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was just trying to show her my sober attitude, and she seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, but─"

His smart-ass speech was cut short as Sam appeared in front of him and punched him in the face. Carlisle fell to the floor, only to catch himself on his hands. He glared up at Sam as Sam took his unconscious wife into his arms and stalked out the room shaking.

Edward walked into the dimmed bar-place and strode silently to the bar. There were quite a few people in the dimmed place, all of them shirtless. Edward looked up at the red and blue neon sign above the bar that read Fridays – Shirtless Day. Any man who doesn't take off his shirt will be kicked out, unless he has medical reasons

Edward sighed and looked down at his polo jacket. You knew this was coming, Edward. Just take off the shirt and buy a drink. Esme said to just buy a drink and spend an hour or two. This is nothing.

Edward pulled off his jacket and his blue t-shirt. The neon lights above the bar danced off his skin in weird ways, almost making his skin glow in the dark.

The bartender, a young brunette who was also shirtless, came over to where Edward was sitting and smiled. "Hello, Mr. Cullen. How may I help you?"

Edward stared at the bartender in surprise. He didn't remember ever meeting this bartender, or ever telling him his name. He's never even seen him before. "You know my name?"

The bartender grinned widely, showing the dimples in his pale face. "Of course I know you. Everyone knows you and your family. Didn't you just get married a couple years ago? You do know that this is a gay bar, right?"

Edward lowered his eyes to his twirling fingers, trying his best to look shy. "I-I just… Can I tell you a secret?"

OhmyGod, the bartender thought. He is just too cute. Man, I wish he was gay and single. I bet I could get into those pants any day. He is so damn sexy. I just wanna eat him!

"Well," the bartender recovered from his naughty thoughts. "Of course you can tell me a secret!" Anything for you, sugar, he added mentally.

Edward tried his best not to smile, knowing it would probably throw off his game. "Well… I really love my wife. But… I'm starting to notice other men… And I… I was looking for someone to experiment with…" Edward bit his lip seductively and looked up at the startled bartender threw his eyelashes. "Do you know of anyone that could help me out?"

Edward could practically hear the saliva that was flowing through the guy's mouth. The bartender shuddered with desire and smiled. "I might know a guy or two… I'm Kevin, by the way."

"Hey Kevin!" someone boomed behind Edward. "Stop flirting with the straight guy and get us some drinks!"

Kevin tore his gaze from Edward and glared past him. Edward turned around and took in the totally ripped guy behind him whom was eyeing him suspiciously. Edward spun back around and smiled shyly. "Can I have a Coke?" he whispered to Kevin.

Kevin winked at Edward and turned to retrieve a Coke. Edward took this moment to notice how everyone was interested in him being here:

Why the hell is he here?

Is he trying to mock us?

Maybe he's really gonna leave his wife…

He is just too cute!

God, I wanna spank that ass…

Edward gulped at the last thought. That thought came from the buff guy behind him. Kevin came back with a cup of a dark drink with bubbles rising to the top. "There you go," Kevin said. "Do you need anything else?" Please, please, please ask me again about your little problem, Kevin begged mentally. I'll show you a good time, I swear!

Edward sighed and took a long sip of his soda, silently torturing Kevin and everyone who was watching him. When he was done, he licked the excess soda off of his lips slowly and looked back at Kevin. He looked like he might launch himself at Edward.

"Well," Edward murmured. "I still don't know who can help me with my little problem. I mean, I see plenty of attractive men in here, but I just can't choose. I'm thinking about the guy behind me, you know, the totally hot buff guy… But…"

"But…?" Kevin echoed eagerly.

Edward bit his bottom lip again and looked up at Kevin through his lashes. "Do you think maybe I could practice with you first? I'm a little nervous…"

Kevin trembled in anticipation and smiled. "Well… um… sure! But we'd have to go in the back…" I must be dreaming, I must be dreaming!

"Anything that works for you," Edward winked. Okay, enough with the flirting. Just get this over with so you could go home and kick Esme's ass.

Kevin took Edward's hand from his unfinished drink and led him to the back room, leaving a crowd of surprised faces behind them.

Bella watched Charlie eat while trying to find a way to get out of this. This is so gross!, she thought. I hate you, Esme!

Charlie looked up from his plate and stared at Bella curiously. "Something wrong, sweetheart?"

Yes. "No," Bella lied.

"Are you sure?" Charlie said, clearly not buying her lie. He got up from his seat and walked over to Bella. "Is there something you wanna talk about?"

Bella bit her lip and nodded slowly. "Can you, um, sit down in that chair?" she pointed at the empty chair in front of her. Charlie looked at her, unsure, but went and sat down as she said.

Bella couldn't help but squirm a little. Under the big overcoat that went to her ankles, she was wearing nothing but black lingerie. Charlie is going to shoot me, Bella thought desperately. Son of a

"Bella?" Charlie asked nervously. "What is it? You can tell me anything, just as long as you tell the truth."

"Daddy…" Bella murmured softly. "I've been having some weird feelings lately… Every time I have sex with Edward, I think about somebody else…"

Charlie looked at Bella with his eyes bugging out. "Um… Did you talk to Renee about this?"

"Yeah," Bella smiled. "She told me to tell you… But I just don't know how to say it, so I'm going to show you, okay?" When Charlie nodded, Bella squirmed nervously again. "Close your eyes." she whispered.

Charlie closed his eyes and held his breath. Bella took this time to take off the over coat. She shivered as she felt an inappropriate breeze pass through her cleavage, making her breath hitch. She walked over to Charlie and sat in his lap facing him. Charlie winced at the contact and pursed his lips in confusion.

Bella bent down to his ear and whispered seductively, "Open your eyes, daddy…"

Charlie's eyes opened slowly, only to go wide as he took in what Bella was wearing. Bella heard his heartbeat speed up to the point whereas Bella was afraid he'd have a heart-attack.

"B-B-B-Bella?!" Charlie yelped. He tried to squirm out of the chair, but Bella locked her legs around his waist, giving him nowhere to go.

"Papa," Bella moaned into his ear while grinding against Charlie. "I-I-I can't help how I feel… When you're in uniform… God I love it when you're in uniform! It's so… sexy…"

Charlie bit down on his lip to prevent himself from moaning. The friction was just too much. "B-Bella! I'm your father! This is so wrong─"

"But it feels so right!" Bella moaned loudly as she threw her head back and combed her fingers through her hair. She moved her hips in large circles and waved her head wildly. Bella knew that Charlie was useless against her grip. She knew that the only thing he could do was sit there and take it like a man.

"Bella, please!" He snarled angrily. "Get off─"

"No!" Bella shouted, working her hands down his shirt and unbuttoning it before he could abject. "I've waited too long for this moment!"

"Bella, dammit, CUT IT OUT!!!"

Jasper stared at the large plate of food that sat in front of him. Esme, who sat across from him, grinned widely and giggled. They were sitting at Denny's. There weren't many people in the restaurant, to Jasper's relief.

However, Esme decided to order 4 pancakes, 3 eggs scrambled hard, 3 strips of bacon, sausage, and ham, and a side order of hash browns. Ew, Jasper shivered.

"You better eat it all," Esme snickered, "or else the waitress will get upset."

Jasper glared at Esme while picking up his fork. He stabbed a large piece of eggs and put it in his mouth. He pushed himself not to gag at the bland taste of eggs in the morning, and swallowed it without chewing it. Esme didn't miss it.

"Na uh. You chew your food, Jasper." she chanted. "Chew it well, so you don't choke."

"So help me, woman…" Jasper muttered as he took a sausage link and took a bite.

Alice sat in her room staring at the small TV Esme put in there. She was watching Star Wars: Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith. She couldn't even remember what was going on, it was so boring. Her mouth drooped open as she tried to take in the "epic" fight scene.

"Oh please," Alice snorted. "More like epic fail."

She was going to kill Esme for this. Esme made her watch all of the old versions, and the new versions. If she heard one more thing about "the dark side", she was going to vomit and make Esme eat it.

I wonder how Emmett's doing…

Emmett sat on the couch groaning in exasperation as he watched yet another cheer routine. At first, watching girls in super short skirts wasn't so bad. But after watching a crap load of crappy cheer movies, all with the almost exactly same plot, Emmett thought he was going to hurl himself out the window.

He watched the movies out of order, seeing that there was no specific order, and hated himself for doing so. He was stuck watching the first Bring It On, where the chick with the black hair was telling her older brother to, "Be aggressive. Be-Be Aggressive."

"Suck my balls. Suck-Suck my balls." Emmett muttered.

Emmett couldn't help but notice Reneesme taking Jacob into the garage with an evil smile on her face. I feel so bad for Rose, Emmett thought.

Rosalie sat in the garage and scratched nervously at her head. How am I going to do this?! This is bestiality!

Reneesme and Jacob entered the garage with smiles on their faces. Jacob was totally oblivious as to what was about to go down.

He took one good look at Rosalie, and his smile disappeared. Reneesme tugged at his long button-up shirt and whispered, "Oh, um, I forgot to do something. I'll be right back!"

With that, she ran out of the garage, leaving Jacob and Rosalie staring at each other. She planted her best smile on her face gestured towards the seat next to her. "Come sit with me, Jake. I need to talk to you."

Jacob cautiously walked over and sat down. He leaned away from her and cocked his eyebrow. "Um… What do you wanna talk about?"

Rosalie leaned towards him took his face into her palm. Jacob tensed up, and she saw how ready he was to run for the hills. She had to fight the temptation to laugh. "Jake, sweetie, I haven't been that nice to you. There's a reason why… It's because of Emmett."

"Emmett? Why would Emmett make you hate me?"

"Because," I sighed, "he's jealous…"

His eyes widened in shock, clearly believing Rosalie's lie. "Why would he be jealous of me? And what does that have to do with you?"

In one swift movement, Rosalie got up and sat on Jacob's lap facing him. He yelped in surprise and tried to wiggle out, but Rosalie held him in place. "Please, Jake, let me explain─"

"Is it possible for you to explain this to me over there?!" Jacob growled. However, even though he was clearly angry, Rosalie saw how his eyes kept wandering down to her tight pink tank top that popped out her breasts and her way-too-short shorts that were riding up her backside, showing plenty of her thighs.

Rosalie smiled and bent down to his ear. "You see," she whispered seductively, "I have a think for you. Believe or not, I've had my eye on you from day one."

Rosalie ripped Jacob's shirt open, revealing his well-developed abs and six-pack. Was he always this hot shirtless? Rosalie thought to herself. God help this boy.

Jacob looked up at Rosalie in alarm, not sure what to do. "R-R-Rosalie?! What in God's name are you doing?!"

Rosalie looked at Jacob and moistened her lip. "I want to fuck your brains out, Jacob! I want you to show me the true meaning of doggy-style!"

Reneesme listened to Rosalie and Jacob from her room and smiled. I wonder if Uncle Emmett can hear this?

Reneesme found herself thoroughly enjoying everyone's punishment. She thought that her punishment would be bad, but it was quite easy. Compared to Carlisle's punishment for her, this was a piece of cake!

Edward stumbled out of the storage room trying to catch his breath. He buttoned up his pants and tried to fix his unruly hair. Behind him, Kevin stumbled out of the storage room and grabbed Edward's ass, making him moan.

He slipped a paper into Edward's back pocket whispered in his ear, "Call me."

Charlie drove his car down the highway a little too fast for the slippery road, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get away from his house. Far away.

He never expected his daughter to do something so… slutty. He never thought that he would ever see her in lingerie. And he especially never thought he'd get a lap-dance from his own daughter. Hell must have froze over and pigs must be flying. God help us all.

Charlie pulled over to the side of the road and shut off his car. He fumbled for the phone in his pocket, cussing loudly at himself. He popped his phone open and dialed Renee's number harshly.

She picked up on the first ring. "Hey, Charlie!" she said in a way too high voice octave.

"Renee, you and I need to talk now!" Charlie snarled.

There was a brief silence before he heard her whisper to someone on the other line. "Charlie," she said exasperatedly. "Can't this wait? I'm having a bit of a… um… romantic moment."

"Well it can wait, because your daughter almost got shot today!"

Renee gasped. "What?! Jesus, Charlie, is she okay?!"

Charlie had to check himself, knowing that Renee didn't know that Bella was a vampire. In fact, Renee didn't know anything about the Cullens or the La Push gang. She probably thinks that she really almost got shot.

"Renee," he sighed impatiently. "No one actually shot at her. But I was honestly thinking about it─"

"Why?!" Renee snapped.

"You know why!"

"What are you talking about?" Renee asked.

Charlie froze. "Wait, she didn't talk to you about her little "problem" this morning?"

"Uh, no. Why? What's going on, Charlie?"

"Your daughter tied me down and gave me a lap dance because she thinks I'm sexy in my police uniform. She wore lingerie and everything…"

There was silence on the phone before Charlie heard Renee burst out laughing. "Charlie! Are you serious?! Oh. My. God! Ha! That is just too good! Please tell me you didn't moan! Please!"

When I didn't say anything, Renee started laughing even harder. "I-I-I'll call y-y-you back!"

She hung up the phone laughing, leaving Charlie cussing in the car. I hate my life.