~A/N: I'm sick again, and I'm not enjoying it. I'll try to get some updates in, but I can't promise you fast ones. Anyways, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but I do own Kevin (Edward's boy toy) and I'm very proud of the fact

Edward's List

Edward walked into the living room and sank to the couch gratefully. He sighed heavily and put a pillow over his face. He could still feel the presence of Kevin's sinful kisses on his lips, neck, stomach, and… and… Oh dear God, he thought sadly. Emmett's never gonna let me live this down.

Edward took the pillow off of his face as Emmett and Alice entered the room. They both looked tired as hell. "What the hell? Was the movie that bad?" Edward wondered aloud.

Emmett sat next to him and put his face in his hands. "You have no idea. If I hear one more cheer, I'm going to kill myself."

Alice sat on the other side of Edward and shook her head. "Hey, at least you had hot babes to look at. Whoever made Star Wars needs to get laid or something. First of all, no one was even remotely cute in that movie. Secondly, the movie sucked. Thirdly, the movie sucked ass. Fourthly… need I go on?"

"Speaking of hot babes," Emmett said lifting his head out of his hands, "how was the gay bar?"

Edward winced and groaned loudly in exasperation. "It was horrible!" Please drop the subject, please drop the subject…

"Did you get anyone's number?" Alice giggled. Edward turned and glared at her. She knew the answer to that. She was just trying to piss Edward off.

"Yes," he huffed. "I got someone's number─"

"Who?!" Emmett asked excitedly.

"A guy named Kevin─"

"Ooo, that sounds promising!" Alice snickered. "So, did you make it to third base or did you make a homerun?"

"Alice!" Edward snapped.

"What? I'm just curious. You have guilt written all over you. You didn't cheat on Bella, did you?"

Edward looked away nervously and bit his lip. "No…"

Emmett jumped off the couch just as Rosalie, Jasper, and Bella filed into the living room. "You totally cheated on Bella!"

Bella stopped short and stared at Edward in unadulterated shock. "Huh?"

Edward jumped up quickly slapped the back of Emmett's head. "Shut it!"

"Edward?" Bella asked, more impatiently this time.

Edward looked at Bella and smiled sheepishly. "I didn't actually cheat on you. I just… um… sort of made out with a bartender named Kevin…"

There was an eerie silence as everyone stared at Edward. Suddenly, Carlisle, Esme, and Reneesme walked into the room. Esme and Reneesme looked happy, while Carlisle looked pissed. "I cannot believe you made me do that!" he was growling. "God knows what's going to happen the next time I see him!"

"What's going on?" Esme asked, completely ignoring Carlisle's bitch rant.

Suddenly, Jasper and Emmett erupted into laughter as they both fell to the ground holding their stomachs. Rosalie put her face into her hands and shook her head in disbelief. Alice pulled a pillow over her face to hold in the bubble of amusement that was rising out of her throat. And Bella just stared.

"Alright, alright! That's enough!" Edward growled. "Last time I checked, Rose and Jacob got busy in the garage, so I wouldn't be talking if I were you, Emmett."

Emmett stopped laughing and stared at a now very shocked Rose. "Whoa, hold the phone. What happened?"

Rosalie looked away nervously. "Edward was just about to tell us what we had to do, right Eddie?"

"Rose…" Emmett sounded angry. It was a rare sight to see Emmett angry at Rosalie.

"Moving on!" Esme said quickly before an argument could happeen. "Edward, if you would, please?"

"Okay!" Edward said cheerfully, all of his previous anger gone. "Bella?"

"Hm?" Bella mumbled, still distracted.

"You have to wear a visible thong with some low-rider jeans─"

"You son of a bitch!" Bella snapped. Jasper and Alice were rolling on the floor laughing as Edward looked at them with an evil grin. Both of them stopped and looked up at Edward in horror.

"Alice, you have to wear un-matching clothes in public."

"Aw man!" she whined. "Don't do this to me!"

Edward looked at Jasper and almost broke out laughing. "Jasper… um… you have to wear pink leggings and short shorts, and then stand in a military store for a couple hours─"

"Fuck that!" Jasper snarled. "I'm not doing that!"

"Wal-mart…" Edward crooned evilly.

Jasper sighed heavily and looked away in defeat. "I fucking hate you."

Edward turned and looked at Esme. "Mom? You have to be mean to everyone who talks to you─"

"You go to hell, Edward." Esme muttered, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Good start." Carlisle chuckled.

"I wouldn't be laughing Carlisle," Edward laughed, "since you have to chew tobacco all day long."

Jasper started laughing again while Esme gasped in disgust. Carlisle glared daggers at his son. "I should of let you die in 1918."

"Rose?"

Rosalie jumped and looked at Edward with pleading eyes. "Oh, Edward! You know you're my favorite brother, right?"

"Mhm," Edward snickered. "Well, your favorite brother wants you to bathe in mud for six hours."

Rosalie's mouth dropped to the floor and her eyes popped open. "No way…"

"Emmett?" Edward couldn't control the laughter anymore. "You have to listen to as many girl pop songs as possible!"

Emmett, whom was already pissed off, snarled and glared at Edward as if he wanted to kill him. Emmett can only take so much in one day.

"Nessie?" Edward said finally. "You have to sit in your room and do absolutely nothing. No talking, no drawing, no playing, nothing!"

Reneesme glared up at her dad and scowled fiercely. "I'm disowning you."

"This is going to be so much fun!" Edward said excitedly.

"Hey, why don't you call Kevin and make it a party?" Emmett snapped as he stalked out of the room.