~A/N – I love it when you guys beg me to update. It makes me want to update even more. So please, keep up with the R&R's, because I need you guys to get me off my lazy behind. Anyways, enjoy! And if any of you want to make any deviant-arts for this, then by all means, PM me!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but I'm about to abuse them anyways .


Edward's Chuckle

Bella squirmed uncomfortably in her low-rider jeans. She felt an inappropriate breeze pass down her backside as she bent down too pick up a fallen pillow off of her room floor. She sighed heavily and walked slowly to the big mirror in her bathroom. She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

Bella looked at the girl in the mirror in awe. The girl had on a white t-shirt that showed her flat, pale stomach. The girl's jeans just about barely covered her waistline, and it didn't even attempt to cover the hot pink thong strings that gripped the girl's waist. The jeans themselves were tight around the girl's legs, magnifying her hourglass figure and righteous thighs. OhmyGod, that girl is me!

Edward waltzed into the bathroom with a smile on his face before he stopped and did a double-take. He practically raped Bella with his eyes, making her fidget uncomfortably.

"Is there any chance you cannot stare at me like I'm some slut on the corner?" Bella seethed.

Edward chuckled and combed his hands through his hair. "There's no need to feel self-conscious, Bells. And you don't look like a slut. You look… just too damn sexy for words, actually. To call you a slut is like glorifying all the sluts across the world. None of them have anything on you."

Bella looked away, knowing that if she were human, she would be blushing up a storm right now. Speaking of human… "Hey, Edward?"

"Hm?" he said halfheartedly, too distracted to really be paying attention.

"Who's this bartender that you cheated on me with?"

Edward stopped eyeing over her body and stared at her in shock. "What bartender?"

Oh, now he's playing stupid. "You know… Kevin…?"

Realization passed over Edward's face as he looked away and bit his lip in nervousness. "Nothing really happened…"

"Did you not say that you made out with him?" Bella nearly shouted in frustration.

"Well… Shouldn't you be walking around right now?"

"Shouldn't you be telling the truth right now?" Bella countered.

Edward flinched and threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! I… I had… I sort of…"

"Spit it out."Bella put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot in impatience.

"I… um… I…"

"Edward!" Bella snapped. "Just say it! I'm not going to kill you, for crying out loud. I just wanna hear you tell the truth!"

Edward sighed and crossed his arms across his chest. "I went all the way with Kevin at the back of the bar…"

It was silent in the room as Edward's words sunk in. Finally, Bella asked, "All the way? Like… you two…?"

"Fucked. Yes Bella, we fucked." Edward sighed.

Suddenly, Bella bursted out laughing as she leaned against the mirror frame. "Y-You had sex with a bartender?! OhmyGod, Edward, you hooked up with a man? Are you coming out of the closet? It's about time!"

"Esme told me to!" Edward snarled.

"No she didn't!" Bella laughed loudly. "She asked you to go with the flow, not go with Kevin's flow! Oh jeez, Edward! How am I supposed to trust you if I know you're going to be fucking bartenders?"

"…"

Bella stopped laughing and looked at Edward. "You were the one doing the fucking, right?"

Edward looked away again and bit his lip. Bella gasped.

"OhmyGod, don't tell me he fucked you! He fucked you? As in, you were the one on your hands and knees?"

When Edward didn't answer, Bella started laughing again, harder than she's ever had. She fell to the floor as Edward glared at her and clenched his jaw.

"Just for being the way you are, I want you to stop by the Forks Police Station."

Bella stopped laughing and looked up at Edward in horror. "You don't mean…?"

Edward grinned evilly. "Yep. You're paying dear Charlie a visit in your new outfit."

Carlisle sat on his bed chewing at the crap in his mouth in disdain. He could taste the nicotine as it fused into his saliva. He grimaced as he accidently swallowed some.

He took the bucket next to his bed and spat out the tobacco. This shit is gross!

Carlisle knew that he had to keep going. He knew that he had to keep chewing that crap by his bedpost. He grabbed some and popped it into his mouth. He chewed slowly and almost gagged at the taste and the feeling of the tobacco attaching itself to his teeth.

Ugh…

Esme sat at the kitchen table quietly fuming. She couldn't help but wonder why Edward chose this punishment of all punishments. He knew that Esme couldn't be mean; no matter how hard she tried, simply because it hurt to see the looks on people's faces when she was mean.

The doorbell rang, making Esme wince as she realized that the mayhem was about to commence. She walked to the door and opened it to find Sam and Jacob standing at the door. Sam looked all around pissed, while Jacob looked awkward. I wonder if he and Rose really had sex in the garage…

"Hey, Esme." Jacob said sheepishly.

She ignored him and glared at Sam. "What the hell is your problem?"

Sam looked at Esme in shock. "What's with you?"

"What's with me?" Esme echoed angrily. "I don't know, maybe it's the fact that someone punched out my husband yesterday. Or maybe it's the fact that my daughter had sex with a dog in my fucking garage. I don't know, Sam. I'm not God. I don't have all the answers!"

Jacob and Sam looked at Esme as if she finally lost it. Finally, Sam spoke up. "May I come in? I would like to speak to you about… about your husband."

Esme stepped aside without a word and let them in. This might be fun. Maybe this is the time to let off steam.

Jacob and Sam walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. The both situated themselves as Esme popped herself onto the counter and glared back at them. "What do you want?"

"I don't understand how you're mad at me for punching Carlisle when he was the one who was flirting with another woman─"

"When you've lived as long as I have, you tend not to care about flirting," Esme sighed dismissively. "This isn't middle school. It's not like he was going to plop her right on the counter and fuck her. And even if he wanted to, it sure didn't seem like Emily was saying no."

"Now, you wait just a damn minute─" Sam started.

"No, you wait, because I'm not done. How about you give a little pep talk to your wifey? I have Carlisle by the ass, and I'm not worried about him cheating. Now, I'm not sure if you trust Emily like that. So maybe you should work on that. But don't come into my house expecting me to bust a breast over flirting."

Sam stared at Esme in shock and dismay, while Jacob clamped his lips together to stop himself from laughing. Esme saw this and smiled evilly.

"I wouldn't be laughing, mutt. You and I need to have a little talk. You see, you and Rose actually had sex, am I wrong?"

Jacob flinched and looked away. "It was an accident. I wasn't planning on being seduced, Esme. I kept saying no, but she wouldn't let up. I was going to throw her off of me, but she was a little… too convincing…"

Emmett is going to kick your ass, Esme giggle mentally. "She's a married woman. You should know better."

"Shouldn't she know better?" Jacob countered.

Huh. That's a good point… I'll be sure to talk to her about that. "Well, whatever. I'll let you off the hook. But Emmet won't be so merciful."

"He knows?!" Jacob gasped loudly. "Who the fuck told him?!"

"Edward did." Esme giggled. "First he takes your bitch. Now, he gives you a death sentence. Sucks to be you!"

Jasper scowled at the ceiling as he leaned against the wall of the Special Forces store. He could feel people staring at him in shock and dismay, and he wished they'd go away. As Edward said, Jasper donned pink leggings and short shorts. He wore Rosalie's pink jacket, too, just so he could match. Fuck my life, fuck my life….

The swirling emotions around the store was making Jasper feel dizzy. Confusion, humor, disgust, dismay, awkwardness, entertainment, horniness─

Whoa, someone in this store needs to come out the closet.

Jasper traced the seductive emotion to a man at the checkout. He was a police officer, one of Charlie's men, in fact. His name was Ron Goodman.

He was buying a new flashlight and some shiny new black boots. However, he wasn't paying attention to the cashier, whom was now getting impatient with him. No, he was staring at Jasper with wide-eyes. Anyone would just mistake this for shock, but Jasper knew what he was thinking. He wants to get in these shorts, dammit. I am so telling Charlie.

Ron licked his lips and went back to paying for his stuff, although he was still very distracted. Jasper took notice in the bulge that was growing in the man's pants. Jasper suddenly felt very aware of how tight the shorts felt on him… A little too tight…

Alice trudged down the street feeling like a fool. She was wearing red skinny jeans and a navy blue v-neck t-shirt. She also took the decency to wear car-stopping yellow boots that were so bright, they were hard to look at.

Everyone she passed did a double-take, and not in the way she liked. Many girls that passed giggled to themselves and took pictures with their phones. I will shove that phone where it hurts…

Alice knew that it was wrong to feel mad at the people she was passing. She would be laughing too if she saw someone walking down the street who looked clearly color blind. Someone who takes all the primary colors on the color wheel and wears them in one outfit should be slapped.

Edward's gay ass is gonna get it, she seethed mentally.

Almost as if on cue, Kevin turned the corner as she approached it. Alice felt suddenly evil and mischievous in every sense of the word. She walked up to Kevin and gave him a light and hearty, "Hi!"

Kevin looked at her in shock and cocked his head. "Hey… have we met before?"

Alice ignored the irritation that bubbled up inside of her and laughed. "Of course we have. I'm Edward Cullen's little sister, Alice."

"Oh! Hi, Alice! It's been a while… May I ask you two things?"

"Sure!"

"One: What in God's name are you wearing?" he asked, pointing at her outfit.

Alice looked away in embarrassment and sighed. "It's a long story that pretty much ends with me having to wear this unwillingly. What's your other question?" Although she already knew what his next question was going to be.

"Um… Is your brother gonna call me back?" he asked innocently.

Alice looked at him and smiled sweetly. "I think so. He's still unsure of whether he's straight or bisexual. He's leaning towards the bisexual, but he still unsure. Plus, Bella found out, and I think they're supposed to be talking about it today…"

"Oh." he said, not hiding his disgust.

"Don't worry! Bella's not the kind of girl who'd be disgusted or anything. In fact, she's the kind of girl who'd laugh her ass off and keep moving."

"So… do you think we'll hook up again?" he asked hopefully.

Tell the truth, or lie through my teeth? …. The truth it is. "Totes, my friend. Totes."

Emmett lied on his bed listening to "Love Story" by Taylor Swift in indignation. He's listened to about 150 girly songs, all of them he hated. Except for maybe "Barbie Girl" by God knows who. He actually thought that song was funny.

But that wasn't what was ticking him off. It was the fact that his wife cheated on him with that mutt. Esme didn't tell her to fuck him. She told her to flirt with him. There's a fucking difference!

He couldn't ignore Jacob's voice that was coming from downstairs, even when he cranked up his music. He wanted so badly to run downstairs and kick his ass, but he had to stay up here. He'd save that for his day off.

As the song switched to "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne, Emmett thought of different ways to kill Jacob.

Rosalie settled into the tub of sludge in disgust. But at the same time, the mud felt really good. It was relaxing, actually. However, the fact that she had to sit here for 6 hours was a little uncomfortable. Also, Emmett was in the next room. And Jacob was downstairs… Ugh…

Rosalie bit her lip as she tried to listen to Jacob's conversation. But she couldn't come close to concentrating because the look of devastation on Emmett's face when he found out kept flooding her mind. She didn't even remember why she went all the way with him. It just sort of happened.

She suddenly remembered Jacob's hot abs and sighed in depression. Christ, I'm such a whore! Why does he have to be so hot?! It's criminal. His rockin' bod, his luscious lips, his delicious dick

Whoa! Slow down there, tigress!

Reneesme sat on her bed in pure frustration. She's been sitting there for hours on end doing absolutely nothing, and it was mind-blowingly annoying. She thought it was going to be easy like the last challenge, but it turned out to be ten times worse than the first challenge.

OhmyGod, somebody shoot me!

To distract herself, she thought about Jacob and Rosalie. The thought of those two "wrestling it out" in the garage was funny at first. Now, it's a little bothersome. Reneesme couldn't recognize the emotion that practically flooded her vision as she thought of her aunt's lips on Jacob's.

Suddenly, she realized it was jealousy.

Bella sat in the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo as he parked the car in front of the Police Station. He put the car in park and stared at Bella expectantly.

"Well, go on." he gestured towards the car door.

"I'm not going in alone."

"Yes you are." Edward said simply.

"No, I'm not."

"Why, yes, you are. I'm not gonna argue with you, Bells. Either you do this, or I'm going to make Wal-Mart seem like hell on earth─"

"Fine!" Bella snapped as she jumped out of the car and slammed the car door. She stomped into the Police Station and stopped as she took in the mass of faces all zeroed in on her and her low-rider jeans. In a half a second, Bella saw all the men in the Station drop their jaws and pop their eyes. All the women just stared. Not even in jealousy, or disgust. No, they just stared.

Bella saw Charlie walk out of the back room with papers in his hands. When he saw her, he froze mid-stride and stared at her in pure horror.

Bella planted a fake smile onto her face. "Hi, daddy! I just wanted to drop by and say hi!"

"Uh… hey…" Charlie said, still not recovered. Bella took this chance and tried to walk out of the hellhole. But she accidently knocked down a stack of papers by the door. Her first impulse was to run, but then she realized how rude that would be. So, she decided to bite the bullet.

She bent down to pick up the papers. She had to fight the shivers that ran up her spine as she felt more of her backside being revealed. Behind her, she heard a chorus of hoots and howls from the guys, followed by the sounds of cameras.

She picked up all the papers and set them back on the desk. She turned around and blew a kiss to everyone, just for the show of it, and then walked out of the Police Station, leaving behind an even louder chorus of horny howls.

She jumped into the car and shut the door quickly. "Please, please, please drive this car as far from here as possible!"

Edward started cracking up laughing as he pulled out of the parking lot and away from the horny mayhem. "Man, it must suck to be you."