~OMG finally! Oh and today is "Kiss My Ass" day! It's a holiday my sister made up! Anyways, I hope you like this chapter, and please, please, make sure your mouths are clear of food and beverages while reading this.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, but I have them by the balls, so I win either way ^^


Jasper's Chortle

Alice walked through the local swap-meet, hating Jasper more and more with each and every step. I (step) fucking (step) hate (step) you (step). She knew Jasper could feel her emotions because he was right beside her, chortling under his breath. In the future, Alice couldn't see a way out of this.

"I hate you Jasper." she grumbled without looking at him.

"Oh, come on. This isn't that bad!" Jasper picked up a nearby yellow purse and held it up so that Alice could see. "You don't think this is cute?"

"It is very cute, Jasper," Alice said in a clipped tone. "But it's bound to break as soon as I wear it!"

Alice felt strangely claustrophobic with all of the people walking around her. She kept seeing guys giving her flirty looks at the corner of her eye. All of the personnel looked like they were all ready to pounce on her when they had the chance. Everything smelled absolutely wrong. There were flies everywhere. And Jasper wanted her to enjoy this? Unforgivable.

They kept walking until they found a section that had a selection of cheap, but cute graphic tees for women. Alice was about to walk away, but she stopped when she saw a blue tee with a cute white heart design on the front. There were black, sinewy thorns around the heart, trapping it tightly. She felt jasper smile behind her.

"Do you want to buy it?" he asked, obviously amused. "You know you want it…"

"Oh, be quiet!" Alice snapped with her eyes still on the graphic tee. "What if it shrinks in the washing machine…?

"Alice, you wore shorts that shrunk in the washing machine and you didn't have a problem with that."

Alice turned and looked at Jasper pointedly. "You didn't have a problem with it either."

Jasper looked away with a grin on his face and scratched his head. "Well… those shorts did compliment your figure…"

Alice grinned before turning back to the tee. "Maybe I'll buy it… just to try it out…"

I'm only doing this because I want to see Jasper's face when it shrinks…

Carlisle sat on the floor of his room glaring at the rat in his hand. Jasper gathered up a crap load of rats and mice and brought it to Carlisle. Carlisle knew that if he didn't eat all of them, some of them will get loose. He shuddered at the thought.

He took the squealing rat and brought it to his mouth. He bit down on its neck, not exactly liking the strange noise it made. The taste wasn't exactly orgasmic either. It tasted… tainted. Like someone put something in there that isn't supposed to be there. Plus, it was barely warm… Ugh…

Carlisle put the rat corpse in the pile of dead rats beside him. How many more of these do I have to eat?! He looked at the buckets of screaming rats and groaned.

Esme walked down the hospital hallway, trying her best to ignore the woots and pants of the doctors and patients around her. Jasper made her wear a short skirt that barely covered her backside, and a tight v-neck shirt that didn't conceal much. She was happy when she finally made it to Carlisle's office, but her happiness ran short when she saw Carlisle's intern standing inside. His name was Peter Hemmington.

Esme shut the door behind her and cleared her throat. Peter jumped and turned around to see Esme staring at him flirtatiously. Esme could see how handsome he was. Although he had nothing on Carlisle, he was still worth looking at. Don't go too far with this, she chanted mentally. Just flirt…

"Um… Hi, Mrs. Cullen," he stammered adorably. "Uh, Dr. Cullen isn't in today…"

"Why are you in his office, then?" Esme asked softly, taking a consecutive step forward.

"Um…" Peter looked around nervously while taking a step back. "I-I w-was putting m-my r-r-report on his d-d-desk, and… um─"

"For a doctor, you sure do stutter a lot." Esme purred. "Why don't you relax?"

Peter gulped loudly, making Esme smile. Okay, this is just too easy. I know this is wrong but… I've never felt more alive!

"M-Mrs. Cullen… Why are y-you l-l-looking at me like t-that?" he stammered as he fell onto the small blue couch that was on the wall of Carlisle's office.

"Why, what ever do you mean?" Esme asked innocently. She walked towards Peter like a lioness towards her prey. Esme reached his shaking figure and bent down so that her mouth was to his ear. "You look a little tense, love." she purred.

Peter gasped at the feeling of her breath and tried to squirm away. "Mrs. Cullen─"

Esme leaned against him and used all her strength to hold him down. Her face was inches from his as she licked her lips. "Please, call me Esmeralda. I've heard a lot of stories about you, Peter. You've been quite the naughty boy."

Peter's breath caught, making Esme's small smile go wide. "E-Esmeralda… Um… I'm… I'm gay, ma'am…"

For a brief moment, Esme paused. Are you serious?! Out of all the people to come on to, I choose the gay guy?! Sigh…

Esme recovered smoothly and laughed. "And? I've been known to… excite just about anybody. However… you're little confession makes me wonder why you're really in here."

"What do you mean?"

"Surely, you must have a thing for my husband, hm?" she cocked her eyebrow. Mentally, Esme danced with glee when she saw Peter's face go red. He bit his lip and tried to squirm again.

"I-I don't know w-what you're t-t-talking about!" he spluttered.

Esme reach down and grabbed his groin, making him gasp with pleasure. "You're lying to me, Peter. You like him, don't you?"

Peter paused before sighing in defeat. "Yes, ma'am…"

Esme started moving her thumb against him, making him arch his back and moan. "Do you want him to touch you like I'm touching you?"

"Y-Yes…"

Esme grinned before bending down and kissing his neck, sending shivers all over his body. "Are you ashamed of your feelings for him?"

"Y-Yes, ma'am…" he breathed against her hair.

She leaned up and kissed his earlobe. "I can make you forget about him… Or maybe… I could teach you the things that really turn him on."

Esme felt him freeze in her arms and his heart pick up. "Would you… do that?" he asked quietly.

"Of course I would… But you have to keep this a secret, hon, or else Carlisle will get very angry."

Peter remained silent for a moment before sighing again. "Teach me everything…"

Esme giggled before leaning up and kissing him on the lips. Please forgive me, Carlisle…

Edward could feel Bella glaring at him while he waited at the door. He could feel her burning disapproval and hatred, and that scared the shit out of him. Tanya was already in town, to Edward's annoyance, and she accepted his offer to come over all too eagerly.

God dammit, Edward muttered mentally. Bella's gonna kill me for sure…

"You look a little tense, Eddie." Bella smirked. "Something on your mind?"

Use her challenge against her! "Um… Hey Bells?"

"Hm?"

"Can you not stare at me as if you want to kill me? In fact, can you go upstairs until she gets here?"

Edward flinched when he saw the pain in Bella's eyes. With a half-hearted nod, Bella trudged upstairs, not even bothering to look back at Edward. Edward turned back around and chewed on his fingernails.

I'm dead. I am so dead!

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Edward could hear Tanya's wishful thinking (literally), and it was hard to tune it out. Oh my gosh, she thought on the other side of the door. I wonder what he wants. And I hope his bitch of a wife is gone. God, I hate her…

Edward opened the door and grinned at Tanya. "Hi!"

"Edward!" Tanya squealed. She immediately gave him a tight hug that lasted a little too long for Edward, but not long enough for Tanya. Edward weaved himself out of her arms and stepped aside so that she could come in.

After she came in, Edward shut the door slowly, wondering if he should make a run for it. He decided not to, but man, was it going to suck.

"Bella!" Edward called. Dammit, Tanya thought bitterly. That slut is still here. That dog-loving son of a

"Tanya!" Bella squealed from the stairs. "I'm so glad to see you!"

Tanya seemed to believe Bella's whole charade, even when Bella came down and gave her a hug. But Edward knew how fake Bella was acting.

Tanya pulled back and examined Bella amusedly. "Oh my, even for a mom, you still manage to look extra sleek for your… husband."

Bella grinned widely and eyed Edward pointedly. "Nobody's complaining, so I'm good!"

To anybody's eyes, it would seem as though they were actually being friends. But to Edward, and to everyone who knew them well, it was obvious that they were having a silent showdown.

That stupid bitch, Tanya thought. I'm sure you don't even know what missionary is…

Edward cleared his throat and eyed Tanya pointedly. She knew that he could read her thoughts. Why was she making it so difficult for him?

Tanya smiled a half-hearted apologetic smile before turning her attention back at Bella. "So, what have you Cullens been up to?"

"Nothing much," Edward said before Bella could respond. He took this time to get closer to Tanya. He hugged her from behind and rubbed his nose against her neck. "It's been really boring around here…"

"O-Oh…" Tanya shuddered at the physical contact.

"Perhaps we could make things more… interesting…?" Edward breathed into her ear, making her jerk.

Why isn't Bella reacting to this, Tanya mused, when it's clear that he's flirting with me? I wonder…

Edward flinched at her sudden fantasies. God, I thought we were past this… I'd might as well take this a step farther and hope that my marriage survives…

"Hey Bella?" Edward asked carefully.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Bella said hesitantly.

"Is it possible that maybe I could… explore Tanya for a bit? You could stay if you want…" You dumbass! Why in the hell would you add that?! You know she can't say no! Fuck! Fuck!

"Sure! Do whatever you want." Bella smiled before sitting on a nearby chair.

Wait, Tanya thought. Am I missing something? Do I have permission to touch Edward…? OMG YES!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Edward couldn't help but smile at Tanya's thoughts. Here goes nothing. Then, with Bella watching him, he began to touch Tanya in places he never thought he'd touch her before.

Watching Edward and Tanya make out was, by far, the most disturbing things Bella has ever been through. Oh, she wanted so badly to get up and slap that stupid bitch in the face. She's never felt more pain in her entire life. Suddenly, she couldn't help but think of Jacob.

I wonder what would happen if I touch Jacob in front of Edward…?

Emmett walked down the street, grinning to himself as he walked onto a crowded sidewalk. Even though his stomach still felt like mush, he was having a hell of a lot of fun. Who knew it would be fun to sing girly songs in public.

With all his might and in a high falsetto, he started to sing loudly:

I'm a Barbie girl

in a Barbie world!

Life in plastic… It's fantastic!

You can brush my hair

undress me everywhere!

Imagination,

life is your creation!

Then, switching to a deeper voice, he sang:

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

Falsetto:

Oh, oh, oh yeah!

Deeper voice:

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

Falsetto:

Oo, oh, oo, oh!

He knew he was having way too much fun wiggling his butt down the street while singing this, and he knew that he was losing some serious man-points, but he didn't care. It's fun being in a Barbie world!

Rosalie crossed her arms irately and tried her best to put on a smile. She was wearing a black lace bra, a really short jean skirt, and a revealing thong. She had on high heels that were so big, she felt like a basketball player. And the make-up on her hair was ridiculous!

I'm going to kill that boy, I swear. I try my best to look sexy… but this is just wrong…

Suddenly, a car pulled up with two men who looked like they were in their 60's. The driver leaned over to the passenger side window and winked at her. "Hey baby," he said in a deep, unbelievable voice, "how you doin'?"

Rosalie flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled at the men. "I'm doin' great. How about you? You boys lookin' for trouble?"

"Naw," the passenger said, "we just lookin' for a good piece of ass… You seem to fit the bill nicely, I might say. How about coming back to the hotel with us, sugar. We'll show you a good time. We'll do $500 an hour for each of us."

"That's pretty expensive, daddy." Rosalie purred. Who in the hell do they think I am? I am worth way more than $500 an hour. "But there's this young cat down the way who offered $2500 an hour, and he had four friends with him. Sorry."

The two men looked irritated before they drove away. Serves them right, those perverts

Suddenly, police sirens sounded behind her. She whipped around and groaned when she saw Charlie in his cruiser. He parked in front of her and got out of the car. It was nighttime now, so he had to fish his flashlight out of his pocket to see.

As soon as he turned on the light and flashed it at Rosalie, she could hear Charlie's heart stopping for two whole seconds before starting again. "R-R-Rosalie?! Rosalie Hale? Is that you?!"

Rosalie smiled sheepishly before waving awkwardly. "Hey, Officer Charlie… I didn't know you were working graveyard shifts nowadays…"

Reneesme sat at the dinner table at Olive Garden, wishing that she could be anywhere else but there. Everyone was there, including Rachel, Jacob's sister, and Claire, Quil's Imprint. Everyone was there, laughing and making conversation. Reneesme knew this was going to be a really long night.

"Hey, Nessie, what's wrong?' Jacob asked, clearly worried. "You look upset about something…"

Suddenly, everyone went quiet and looked at Reneesme, waiting for an answer. Nessie was sitting right across from Jacob, so she couldn't escape his gaze. Finally, she sighed. "Um… I don't think it's the right think for table conversation…"

"Oh please," Leah snorted, "I'm sure I've heard worse."

"Come on, Ness, you could tell us anything." Seth smiled.

"Now, now, if she doesn't want to say anything, then don't make her." Billy said while cutting his steak.

"That is total B.S., Bill." Quil muttered.

"Don't call me Bill." Billy snapped.

"Seriously, though, what's wrong?" Jacob asked, even more worried.

Nessie squirmed in her seat before looking up at Jacob innocently and blurting, "Jacob, what's an orgasm?!"

She asked it so loudly that everyone in the restaurant froze, midstride and everything, and stared at Nessie. It seemed as though her question bounced off the walls and into everybody's ears. Reneesme could see the mass of blood that went to Jacob's face. He looked away, clearly embarrassed before clearing his throat.

"Um… I'll… uh… tell you later." Jacob stammered.

"Go on," Embry urged sinfully. "Tell her what an orgasm is!"

"Will you be quiet?!" Sue snapped, looking pointedly at Claire. Claire just looked as curious as she could be. She leaned over and pulled on Quil's shirt.

"Quil, what's an orgasm?" she asked innocently.

"Oh, God dammit!" Quil cursed.

"Quil?" Claire asked again.

"Check, please!" Jacob called desperately.

"Jake?" Reneesme pouted innocently. "You're not gonna tell me…? But… I thought what we had was… special?" One of Nessie's many talents is to be able to cry on cue. And that is what she did.

Jacob looked from Billy to Nessie, clearly confused on what to do. "U-Um, please don't cry!"

"Just tell her so we could leave." Billy muttered as he popped a piece of steak in his mouth.

"Yeah, tell us!" Claire peered past Quil and grinned at Jacob.

Finally, Jacob sighed heavily. "An orgasm is… a rush of… um… emotion─"

"What kind of emotion?" Reneesme asked, pretending to be truly interested.

"Um… pleasure," Jacob said awkwardly, his face getting redder than Reneesme's ever seen. "It's a rush of pleasure you get when… something feels… good."

Quil sighed with relief and turned back to Claire. "See, that's all that is!"

"So when Embry gave you that massager thingy, and you made that sound, was that an orgasm?" Claire asked.

Embry, Jared, and Sam bursted out laughing while everybody else bit their lip to hold in their giggles. Reneesme decided to have a little fun with this.

"Jacob? When grandma Esme gave you that massage and you made that weird noise, did you have an orgasm?"

"Whoa!" Seth grinned at Jacob. "Hold the phone! Jacob, is there something you'd like to tell us?"

"Go to hell, Seth." Jacob snapped. "Nothing happened!"

Reneesme decided to take it to the edge. "So those weird noises I heard from your room that night… Were you having a series of orgasms? Isn't there a name for that?"

"Who were you having fun with?" Kim giggled.

"N-No one!" Jacob stammered.

"He was having fun with his right hand." Billy laughed.

"Dad!"

"What does that mean, Quil?" Claire asked.

"Nothing─" Quil began.

"It's called masturbation, and you'll meet up with it when puberty hits." Leah murmured.

"Leah!" Quil growled.

"Jacob," Reneesme asked, "what's masturbation?"

"OH MY GOD!!!" Jacob wailed.

"Check please." Paul whispered to a passing waiter.

"Tell us, Uncle J!" Claire squealed. "Tell us! Tell us!"

"Tell us, Jake!" Reneesme squealed with her.

"Masturbation is when you touch yourself." Leah snickered. "And then you have a series of orgasms when you touch yourself. It's called the climax!"

"Leah, shut UP!" Quil snarled.

"Jake, you masturbate?!" Reneesme asked innocently. "Where?"

"Reneesme─" Jacob began.

"On his man-parts." Kim winked.

"Don't fuel the fire!" Jared laughed. He was clearly enjoying this.

"You mean your pee-pee?" Claire asked, making Paul, Kim, and Seth fall to the floor laughing.

"Jake, you touch your pee-pee?" Reneesme asked.

"No!"

"Liar!" Embry guffawed. "You fucking liar!"

"Why does it feel good to touch yourself, Jake?" Reneesme inquired.

"U-U-Umm…. I don't know! Jesus, why don't you ask your dad all these questions?!"

"Because he's terrible at explaining stuff."

"Maybe he has no idea what sex really is…" Brady murmured to Collin.

"What does sex mean?" Claire asked Quil while tugging on his shirt.

"OH MY GOD, EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!" Jacob and Quil screamed.