A/N – I don't know why it took me so freaking long to update this story! I'm really sorry!

Disclaimer – I don't any of these extremely sexually abused characters!


Alice's List

Alice walked into the living room hand-in-hand with Jasper. To Jasper's pleasure and Alice's chagrin, Alice was wearing the graphic T she bought from the swap-meet. Jasper conned her into wearing it, stating that if she didn't, they would never have sex again.

Sadly, when it comes to that argument, Alice just can't turn down the offer. Because Jasper will use his powers to make it hell for her. So, it's best to just follow the boy's orders.

They sat on the couch, Jasper chuckling under his breath. "It looks nice on you, Alice. It really brings out your figure."

He's just trying to make up for the blackmail. "Thanks." Alice said sarcastically. Although, in the back of her mind, where the denial didn't reach, she really liked the shirt.

Apparently, Jasper sensed that part of her mind, because he said, "Oh, stop complaining. You know you really like it. I can feel it."

"You can feel what?" Emmett said, sauntering into the room with Rosalie on his tail. Emmett stopped in front of the couch and grinned down at Alice. "Oh. My. God. That's from the swap-meet, isn't it? Oh dear God, the world is coming to an end! Alice is wearing something cheap!"

Alice jumped up and socked Emmett in the stomach, making him double over while he was laughing. Beside him, Rosalie snickered. "I'll alert the police."

"I bet you will." Alice smirked at Rosalie. "I'm sure they know you well now that you've been arrested. Who busted you out?"

"Rosalie was arrested?" Jasper laughed. "Who caught you? Charlie?"

"Um…" Rosalie looked away, her lips pursing.

"Charlie actually did catch her," Alice giggled. "I saw it in a vision while I was in the dressing room."

"They have dressing rooms at the swap-meet?" Emmett pondered aloud. "Since when?"

"Since Alice gave the manager hell." Jasper muttered. "It was horrible."

"What was horrible?" Bella asked, walking down the stairs with Edward and Carlisle. Alice turned and nearly doubled over with laughter along with Emmett. Bella looked absolutely pissed. Edward looked scared out of his mind. And Carlisle… Carlisle looked wasted.

"Carlisle, you okay?" Rosalie asked, clearly worried.

"I'm fine," he slurred. That's when Alice noticed that he couldn't walk in a straight line. His eyes were glossed over and his lips were somewhere trapped between a smile and a grimace.

"He's drunk," Edward answered Alice's thoughts. "Jasper accidently caught dozens of drunken rats. Carlisle drank them and then… well, you see the way he's stumbling around."

"Who said it was an accident?" Jasper snickered.

"Don't makeme punchyou!" Carlisle slurred angrily before leaning against the back of the couch and laughing.

"He's fucked up." Emmett noted loudly, on the brink of laughter again. "Who knew?"

Esme and Reneesme walked through the door, each of them holding different expressions. Reneesme had a humongous grin on her face, while Esme looked terrified, if not guilty.

"Did we miss anything?" Reneesme asked cheerfully.

"Nope," Alice said, mirroring Reneesme's tone. "You just missed Carlisle stumbling down the stairs. He's drunk, just to let you know─"

"What?!" Esme screeched, horrified. Carlisle picked himself up and sat heavily next to Jasper. He peered up at Esme and grinned darkly.

"What'd you do wit my interns?" he slurred. "I can tell you did somethin'. You look… guilty! I pronounce you as guilty!"

"Are you sure someone didn't give him PCP?" Emmett stage-whispered.

"Shutthe hell up." Carlisle snarled at Emmet before smiling again. "Let's have a party! WOO!"

"Alright," Alice clapped her hands together to interrupt Carlisle tangents. "Let's get this started!"

With that, Alice turned to Jasper and grinned so widely that Jasper shrank into the couch. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Jasper grumbled.

"Because," Alice cheered, "you have to fly around the town dressed up like Peter Pan!"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me?!" Jasper exploded. "You're joking! You are fucking joking!"

"Language!" Rosalie snapped, looking pointedly at innocent little Reneesme.

"Fuck-ity fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Carlisle sang while leaning his head back. "Everybody sing withme!"

"Carlisle!" Alice gasped. "Keep it together, will you? Anyways, Carlisle, you have to get a manicure and a pedicure! And it had to be a loud color, okay?"

"Okay!" Carlisle sang, just as cheerful.

"I swear if he weren't drunk, he'd kill you." Edward chuckled.

"Oh! Edward?" Alice laughed wildly.

"What?" Edward mumbled hesitantly.

"Come here." Alice whispered. Edward walked slowly over to Alice and leaned in. Alice grabbed his shirt and brought her lips up to his ear.

"Can you not molest my ear, please?" he muttered.

"Shut up," Alice said curtly before grinning. She bent in real close and whispered, "You have to kiss Carlisle. But you can't tell him, okay?"

Edward leaned quickly away from Alice and gawked at her, his face taking on an impossible red. "OH MY GOD! Alice, what is WRONG with you?!?!"

"Wait, what?" Bella stammered, clearly frustrated.

"What's his challenge?" Emmett demanded.

"You'll find out." Alice winked before turning to Esme. "Mom?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"You have to break your favorite!"

"That's not that bad." Emmett grumbled.

"Yeah─" Rosalie was saying before Esme fell to her knees dramatically.

"NOOO!!!!!!!" Esme bellowed. "Don't make me do it! PLEASE!"

"Wow." Bella stared.

"STOP YELLING!" Carlisle growled before cracking up laughing.

"I think one of those rats were on some serious shit." Alice whispered. Then, she turned to Bella and smiled sweetly. "Bella?"

"Hm?"

"You have to go fishing with Carlisle without screaming."

It was silent in the room. Even Carlisle was silently staring at Alice in shock. And then, everyone started cracking up laughing, except for Bella. Bella just stood there, glaring daggers at Alice.

"I cannot believe you're my sister!" she griped. "Do you honestly expect me to sit on a boat for hours now that he thinks I like him?"

"Yep." Alice said simply.

"What's my challenge?" Emmett said gleefully. "I'm honestly curious as to what my evil little sister wants me to do."

"Emmett, you have to memorize all the lines in a 90210 episode."

"Excuse me?" Emmett gaped. "Did I just hear you say what I think you just said?"

"Ha!" Jasper laughed before falling to the floor.

"Rosalie," Alice giggled. "You have to wear Jacob's clothes for a day─"

"Aw hell no!" Rosalie growled. "I'll make my hair dirty. I'll bathe in mud. I'll dress up as a prostitute. I will do anything, except for wearing that dog's clothes!"

"Well," Edward said coolly, "you fucked him, so I don't see what the problem is."

"Can we stop saying 'fuck' in front of Reneesme?!" Esme yelled. "Sheesh!"

"Whatthe fuck?" Carlisle muttered. "Didyou guys see that? There was an owl on the ceiling…"

"Those rats definitely had some drugs in them." Jasper sighed.

"Anyways!" Alice yelled over everyone else. She turned to Reneesme and smiled sweetly. "You ready?"

"Yeah!" Reneesme cheered adorably.

"You have to burn one of your precious dolls."

"What's with you and destroying people's belongings?" Rosalie snickered. "It's like a fetish to you."

"What's a 'fetish'?" Reneesme asked while tugging on Bella's button-up shirt.

"Look what you did!" Edward wailed. Emmett and Jasper continued to roll around on the floor laughing while Reneesme looked up at Bella expectantly.

"A fetish─" Carlisle began, but Alice stopped him.

"A fetish," Alice said, "is something you like very much."

"So…" Nessie thought for a moment before smiling. "I love werewolves. Werewolves are my fetish!"

"Oh my God." Bella put her face in her hands and hid the smile that was on her face. "This is such a weird family…"

"Banzai!" Carlisle yelled suddenly, karate chopping the air. Everyone stopped talking and laughing and stared at him. He smiled at us innocently and slurred, "I killed the owl!"