A/N – I miss the days when I could update faster. *Sigh* I'm sorry about the strange delays. On a lighter note, I saw Nightmare on Elm Street, and I've never screamed so much in an hour than I did in that movie. Good times, good times…

Disclaimer: I don't any of these obviously abused characters

Alice's Cackle

Jasper ran down the street (or walked quickly), silently cursing the woman he loves. He was wearing tight, tight green leggings with a Peter Pan top, a Peter Pan hat, and Peter Pan elf-looking shoes. He resisted the urge to bend down and pull the green material out of the crevice between his groin and his leg, knowing that it would look more awkward. Instead, he ran down the street, yelling, "I don't wanna grow up!"

He skidded to a halt in front of the police station, studiously ignoring the stares and giggles from the people around him. He jumped on the police cruiser beside him and bellowed, "Come out, come out! Let's play a game!"

I swear to God, he thought dangerously, Alice is gonna get it!

Much to his distaste, Charlie Swan was the first one to burst out of the police station. He had a gun in his hand, almost as if Jasper had a car bomb.

When he saw Jasper and what he was wearing, however, he dropped the gun and gaped. "What in the hell are you doing?!" he gasped. "Get off of the car!"

"Why are grown-ups so pushy?" Jasper sneered immaturely. Then, in a sweeter tone, he asked, "Do you wanna fly to Neverland with me?"

Charlie picked up the gun and put it in the holder around his waist. "Now why would I want to go to Neverland?"

"It's a place where you don't have to worry about incestrial relations with your daughter, Mr. Swan!" Jasper laughed. "It's a place where dreams come true!"

A few more officers, along with a whole crowd of pedestrians joined Charlie. However, at Jasper's comment, quite a few of them looked at Charlie with their eyes lit up with questions. Charlie felt their gazes and shivered. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Cullen. But if you don't get the hell off my cruiser, you're gonna regret it."

Might as well have fun with this! "Huh," Jasper pondered loudly, "you sure are bossy. Maybe that's why Bella's so into you! Why are adults so strange?"

Charlie's face went red in a matter of seconds. "G-Get off the damn car!"

"Charlie?" a familiar voice asked. Jasper turned and almost fell over with laughter when he saw Renee, staring at Charlie with disgust.

"R-Renee!" Charlie stammered.

"You know," Renee grumbled, "when you called me about Bella, I thought you were joking. She really gave you a lap dance?"

And with that, the crowd went absolutely silent. Oh. My. God. Bella is going to kill me when she finds out about this!

One of the officers turned reluctantly back to Jasper and grimaced. "Why don't you get off the car so that we can all move on with our lives? Come inside─"

"Never!" Jasper bellowed before pouncing off the car and running down the street. Despite the awkwardness in the air, Jasper couldn't help but start cracking up laughing.

Carlisle trudged into the nail salon, trying his honest best to not fall over. His head was heavy with hangover, and his eyes burned badly. He sat down and put his face in his hands. I cannot believe I was drunk! God, what did I do? I bet I made a damn fool of myself.

"Hello?" the brunette said from behind the counter. "My I help you?"

"Um," Carlisle murmured drowsily, "can I get a manicure and a pedicure?" Carlisle felt extremely stupid asking for something like this. The women around him stared at him with obvious curiosity.

"O-Okay…" the woman mumbled. With that, the woman took Carlisle and started doing his toes, while another woman, a pretty Asian woman with curly long hair, did his fingernails.

"So," the Asian said. "What brings you here?"

"I've decided that I need a little pampering, I guess." Carlisle said. Could I sound anymore gay?

"What color? Clear?" the woman doing his toes guessed. "Oh, and I'm Amber, by the way."

"Hey Amber…" Carlisle thought for a moment before picking the loudest color he's ever seen on anyone, anywhere. "Can I have hot pink?"

It was like the whole salon paused on cue, everyone gaping at Carlisle. Amber's eyes widened before a grin brightened up her face. She turned to the woman doing Carlisle's fingernails and giggled. "Sophie, I think we've finally found a man with a little taste."

"It's about time." Sophie grinned also. She turned to Carlisle and leaned in. "Are you a man-lover?"

"No, no," Carlisle chuckled nervously. "I just like the color pink, that's all. Most men just don't have the balls to admit that out loud. Trust me, a lot of men like pink. Straight or gay."

"Oh goodie!" Amber squealed. She got up quickly and hurried into the back. When she came back, she was holding a tiny bottle of hot pink nail color that made Carlisle's stomach drop. Esme is never gonna let me live this down.

Esme stood in the kitchen, silently whimpering as she stared at the vase in her hands. She gripped it, silently bidding it farewell. She turned to Alice, whom was grinning at her from the doorway, and pouted. "This vase is from Greece, Alice. I love this vase like a baby─"

"I don't care," Alice said absolutely. "Break it."

Esme winced and turned back to her precious vase. She bent down and kissed it lightly before saying one last goodbye. With a whimper, she threw the vase to the ground. The beautiful vase broke into splinters with a loud crash that made Esme fall to her knees with despair.

"No!" she cried out before curling on the ground with the broken pieces. Alice doubled over and cackled loudly.

"That's one vase," she laughed, "now you only have 34 more to go! Muwahahaha!"

Edward lied on Carlisle's bed, trying his best not to laugh at the sounds of torture from downstairs. He buried his face in the pillows, chuckling and snickering into the soft material. As he calmed down, he noticed Carlisle's scent wrapped around the blue pillow. He couldn't help but curl into the pillow, enjoying the scent. It made him feel like his father was right there, embracing him and telling him that everything was going to be alright. It was the kind of reassuring feeling that made Edward feel lightheaded with happiness.

And now he was going to have to kiss his own father.

At the thought, he sat up quickly and groaned loudly. What the hell am I supposed to do?! He doesn't know my challenge. He's never going to look at me the same again!

Almost as if God was laughing, Edward heard the front door open and Carlisle's tortured thoughts filtering through. I can't believe I got hot pink, Carlisle was thinking.

Edward sat on the bed, silently cursing himself as he heard Carlisle trudging up the stairs slowly. When Carlisle finally walked into the room, he paused at Edward's presence. "Hey, Edward."

"Hi." Edward murmured shyly. "You okay?"

"Yeah…" he muttered, scratching his head. That's when Edward got a clear view of Carlisle's freshly manicured fingernails, clad with the most feminine pink Edward has ever seen. Despite knowing how tired Carlisle was, Edward just couldn't help but double over with laughter.

"What the hell, Carlisle?" he gasped between guffaws. "Alice said to get loud fingernails, not car-stopping fingernails!"

"Thanks for your concern," Carlisle grumbled sarcastically as he collapsed onto the bed. "It's nice to know you care so much."

Edward stopped laughing and pulled himself onto the bed beside Carlisle. "I'm sorry… It's just… well…"

"Well…?"

Edward stared into Carlisle's butterscotch eyes, feeling that reassuring feeling again. He couldn't help but curl into Carlisle and rest his head on his chest. At first, Carlisle tensed. But after a few moments, Carlisle relaxed and wrapped his arms around Edward, cradling him. Edward sighed happily, smiling in spite of himself. They lied there, breathing slowly and dazing off, for a good hour. Finally, Alice's thoughts from downstairs broke Edward's peace.

Do what I told you to do, she thought evilly.

Carlisle must have felt Edward tense, because he tightened his embrace and asked, "What's the matter?"

Edward pushed himself out of Carlisle's arms and sat up. Carlisle sat up too and looked at him with concern. "I'm sorry," Edward murmured. "I…"

"Is there something bothering you, Edward?"

When Edward didn't look at Carlisle, Carlisle took Edward's cheek into his palm and made him look at him. Edward's cheeks blazed under his palm. This so wrong! Please don't make me do this!

Edward bit his lip and looked up at Carlisle shyly. "Can I… tell you something?"

"You know you can tell me anything." Carlisle said softly.

Edward twirled his fingers nervously before blurting, "Can you close your eyes?"

Carlisle looked at him reluctantly before closing his eyes. Edward shuddered before leaning forward and pushing Carlisle back on the bed. His eyes were still closed, though Edward could tell he was quite curious about what was going on by the way his lips pursed.

Edward took Carlisle's face into his hands and bent down slowly. Shit, shit, shit…

Finally, Edward's lips held Carlisle's gently. Carlisle froze all over as Edward moved his lips against his. What the hell, Carlisle thought. What's going on? Why is he…?

Edward was ready for Carlisle to push him off, but he didn't. Actually, much to Edward's surprise, Carlisle started kissing him back. There, on Carlisle's bed, they kissed each other, both of them surprised but neither one of them holding back. The moaned and groaned against each other, their hands combing each other's hair.

Suddenly, the door flew open, and four familiar gasps stopped everything. Edward pushed off of Carlisle and stared wide-eyed at Jacob, Esme, Seth, and Charlie. When did Charlie get here?!

Esme had her hands covering her mouth, while Jacob gaped open-mouthed at the scene before him. "U-U-U-Um," Jacob stuttered, "are we interrupting something?"

Carlisle smoothed out his hair before chuckling nervously. "Not really…"

Seth caught sight of Carlisle's nails and laughed. "Dude, what's with the manicure?"

"Holy mother of God!" Jacob doubled over and fell to the floor laughing to the point of tears.

"Ugh." Carlisle growled. He stood up and smoothed out his clothes. "I'm surrounded by immature people."

"Um, Carlisle?" Charlie asked suddenly.

Carlisle jerked up at the sound of his name and turned to Charlie. "What is it?"

"I actually came to talk to you about your son, Jasper, but… you look kinda busy, so maybe I'll come back later."

"W-Wait!" Carlisle stammered, but it was too late. Charlie was already out of the house and into his cruiser. Damn, that guy can move fast.

Bella sat on the small fishing boat, biting her lip in attempt to not scream. Charlie was sitting behind her, with his back to her, deep in thought about something.

When Bella called Charlie this morning about a fishing trip, she could hear the tension between them as excuses rolled off his tongue. Oh, I'm busy. Oh, um, your mother showed up. Oh, your brother's causing trouble. Oh, I just went fishing yesterday, so…

Finally, he consented. Though, Bella had a strong feeling that Renee made him go on the trip. Now, the two of them were stuck on a way-too-small boat in the dreary afternoon. Bella couldn't help but sigh heavily. "How in the hell do you do this without going crazy with boredom?"

"Try not to think about the boredom," Charlie grumbled. Oh, now he has an attitude with me?

Bella set down her fishing pole and turned around. Charlie turned around too, but reluctantly. "What?" he snapped.

"I don't know what your problem is, but I don't like your tone." Bella said in a clipped tone.

"I'm your father," Charlie growled, "I get to have any tone I want. You're the one who needs to check herself."

"Well, excuse me!" Bella whipped around and glared out at the sea. She wanted so badly to just do something to embarrass the living shit out of Charlie, but she couldn't think of anything. Unless…

No, no, no! I'm not pretending to like him anymore! It's gross, it's wrong, and… well, it's gross! But then she thought of the look of embarrassment on his face when she made a move on him and snickered. Charlie must of heard her, because he sighed impatiently.

"Why are you here, anyways?"

His wording made Bella wince. "What, I can't bond with my father?"

"I thought you saw me as something else…?"

Bella's stomach dropped as another round of awkwardness filled the boat. "Well… um…"

Charlie sighed again. "What is with you Cullens? First, you decide to hit on me. Then you start wearing slutty clothes. Rosalie starts dressing up as a prostitute. Jasper just ran around town today looking like the gayest version of Peter Pan ever. And then, to top it all off, I walk in on Edward and Carlisle making out as if there's no freaking tomorrow!"

"What?!" Bella turned around again and gaped at Charlie. "Edward and Carlisle were… wait… that's… are you sure?"

"I'm pretty damn sure," Charlie grumbled. "I feel like Forks has become Incest Central. Ugh."

"Well, you weren't exactly fighting back when I held you down, Charlie." she pointed out.

"You have the strength of hundred men! What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You moaned," Bella giggled.

Charlie's face went all shades of red and back as and glared at Bella. "You look like your mother, okay. Sheesh, I haven't had sex in forever─"

"Dad!" Bella gasped in disgust. "Jesus Christ, I don't want to know!"

Suddenly, Charlie grinned widely. Bella already knew what he was about to do. He was about to get some serious payback for what Bella did to him. "You wanna know how I impregnated your mom?"

"NO!"

"Well," Charlie mused anyways, "we were on the beach. It was the first clear night in ages, and there were stars everywhere. Anyways, your mom was wearing the sexiest bikini I have ever laid eyes on. It really punctuated that sexy ass of hers─"

"Please!" Bella begged. "I don't wanna hear this! I don't need to know about mom's ass!"

"I laid her down, real gently," Charlie grinned, "and ripped that bikini off with my teeth. We made-out first, then I made my way down her body. The way she moaned was amazing!"

"Shut up! Oh my God!" Bella covered her ears. It was no use, for her super hearing was far too advance to block out her father's words.

"When I made it down to her bushy─" Charlie hummed.

"FINE!" Bella bellowed. "I'm over you! I'm done with you! I'm done drooling over you! I'm FINISHED! Just SHUT THE HELL UP AND TURN THIS BOAT AROUND!"

"That's more like it." Charlie snickered as he turned the boat around.

Emmett sat in the living room, trying his best to ignore the laughter from upstairs. Whatever the hell was going on must have been entertaining. But Emmett couldn't get up, for he was too busy watching 90210.

He's been watching the same episode for 4 hours now, and it was wearing on his nerves. He memorized half the episode, now he's working on the other half. He didn't know the number of the episode, nor the name. What he did know was that it was the episode where Silver goes crazy and tries to kill herself.

He slouched lower into the couch and cursed. "I am never watching TV again. Motherfuckers…"

Rosalie walked down the street, whimpering slightly at the horrible smell that was illuminating from the clothes she was wearing. She was wearing Jacob's sweats, his plain white T, and his oversized tennis shoes. She felt downright retarded trudging down the street. And the smell! Oh my God, the smell was terrible.

For the millionth time, she sneezed. For the trillionth time, she tripped over the legs of his sweats. For the gazillionth time, she cussed loudly. "I hate you, Jacob Black."

Reneesme stared at the fireplace in tears. Her favorite doll, the first doll she's ever gotten, was burning in the fireplace. Nessie could almost hear the sounds of protet from the doll. "Farewell, Mr. Deeds…"

Hey! It's about time I updated! Anywho, for those of you whom are curious, in the chapter before this (Alice's List) I accidently said that Bella had to go on the boat with Carlisle instead of Charlie. Sorry about that! Annoying typos are annoying!