A/N: It has been ages since I last updated! There is honestly no excuse except for the facts that I was lazy and that I was trying to concentrate on my Razor Sharp Pages story, and trying to think of how to start my sequel to War Beyond Words. I am way overdue with writing that story. Sigh… Well, time to catch up!

Disclaimer: None of these super awesome characters are mine

Emmett's Snigger

Rosalie stood at the edge of the pond, mentally flipping out and loudly cussing under her breath. There were tiny little frogs all over the place, some of them crawling on her feet, and she was about an inch close to screaming and running for the hills. What was stopping her?

Somehow, Emmett was able to convince Jared to watch Rosalie. If Rosalie were to run, Jared would run and snatch her.

Rosalie glared at the giant dog from the corner of her eyes. "Stupid dog," she muttered. With a heavy sigh, Rosalie bent down and picked up a slimy, green frog. Its big eyes stared her in the eyes, making her gag and turn away. She took another breath and looked at the tiny frog again. It croaked.

"Ew!" she squealed before throwing the frog and shivering. From the corner of her eye, Jared grinned a big wolf grin and howled mockingly.

"Oh shut up!" Rosalie spat. She quickly picked up another frog and closed her eyes. Prove to everyone that you're a strong woman. Prove it to everyone!

She quickly brought her lips to the top of the frog and kissed the frog as fast as she could. Her eyes snapped open as realization dawned on her of what she just did and threw the frog with a girl squeal. She accidently licked her lips and was rewarded with a slimy, starchy paste that was stuck to her tongue. She gagged loudly, as Jared rolled over on his back and barked a loud, throaty laugh.

I hate you, Emmett!

Carlisle glared at the 30 plates that had piled sushi on them and grimaced. It was already bad enough that he had to get a pedicure and manicure, and he was caught kissing his own son! Now, he had to stuff his face for 3 hours. Fish and vampires do not mix.

Carlisle sighed. "Come on," he whispered to himself, "you already lost some serious man-points. Prove yourself!"

"Hey Carlisle!" a woman's voice said from the doorframe. Carlisle nearly jumped out of his skin, but he hid his surprise under a smile as he turned and looked at Renee and Phil.

"Hey, you two! It's been ages!"

"Well, time has nothing on you, Carlisle," Renee giggled as she observed him. "I swear it's like you don't even age!"

"Heh, funny you say that…" Carlisle looked away and swallowed the hysterical laughter that was bubbling in his throat. "So what brings you here?"

"Oh, you didn't know? Edward called us here so we could have a reunion with Bella!" Renee laughed again. "Though I was already in town…"

"How come?" Carlisle already knew the answer, but he wanted to humor himself.

"Well…" Renee shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Charlie called me saying some disturbing stuff about Bella…"

"What's with the sushi?" Phil asked suddenly, switching the subject.

I groaned internally. "Oh, it's for…"

"It's for a party later," Edward said, walking into the room with Bella wrapped in his arms. He smiled at Carlisle genuinely, though Carlisle knew it killed him to be in the same room as him. To distract himself, Carlisle focused on Bella, whom looked awfully uncomfortable.

As Charlie entered the room, Carlisle began to understand why.

Charlie looked at Bella and grimaced before eyeing Phil's arm around Renee's waist. At least you get the interesting dare, Carlisle mentally said to Edward.

As Edward led everyone into the other room, Carlisle looked back at the plates of sushi. Fuck my life!

He grabbed three sushi rolls and stuffed it in his mouth. The taste was atrocious! One of the rolls had salmon, one had tuna, and the last one had canned crab! Carlisle had to fight to not spit it out.

It's either this or Wal-mart, Carlisle chanted mentally as he stuffed more sushi into his mouth.

Esme bit her lip wildly as she stared at the laptop screen. The Notebook was playing, and she was at the part where they're on the Ferris-wheel. It's not even a sad part, but Esme knew the whole movie by heart, so she knew what was going to happen at the end of the movie.

A sob rose in her throat, and she bit that down too. Why me?

Edward nearly exploded with laughter as he sat in between Bella and Charlie on the big couch in the living room. Phil and Renee sat on chairs from the kitchen, while Emmett sat on the floor while thinking of some things Edward could ask.

"It's been so long, Bella…" Renee murmured.

"Yeah…" Bella shivered before peeking at Emmett. He gave her a look that said, if you don't do the dare, it's your ass. Bella looked back at her mother and said something so astonishing that it even surprised Emmett: "You know how it feels to be a newlywed; sex every night and such. It keeps me distracted."

It was so quiet in the room that Edward swore he could hear Rosalie gagging as she kissed frogs. Finally he cleared his throat and decided to play along. "Yeah, that's how it is! Sex on the regular, right? You would know, wouldn't you, Renee? You've been married twice."

Renee twirled her fingers uncomfortably and stared at the ground blushing. "I guess so…"

"Hey, who do you think is better at sex: Phil or Charlie?" Edward smiled.

"Hey!" Charlie gasped. "That is so inappropriate!"

"Are you saying that because you think Phil is better than you?" Edward snickered.

"Well… uh…" Charlie looked away, his face turning a bright red. "Not really…"

"What, you think you're better than Phil?"

"Um…" he looked at Edward and smiled a little. "Possibly…" What the hell is up with Cullen, Charlie wondered. Why does he have his nose in my business? Of course I'm better than Phil!

I bet Charlie hurts his back with every thrust, Phil snickered mentally.

Kill me now, Renee moaned. Please, God, kill me now.

"It's okay to talk about sex, mom," Bella soothed. "I'm fine with it. After all, making love is a magical thing."

"Well… I… um… don't want to talk about!" Renee snapped. Why would I want to talk about it? Of course Charlie's better. He even used handcuffs once. Good times, good times…

"Hey, Charlie?" Edward asked, trying his honest best not to crack up laughing. "Have you ever used handcuffs on Renee?"

Charlie's face went from red to purple. "W-W-Why?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Edward once used handcuffs on me," Bella mused. "Good times, good times..."

"Police handcuffs or the fuzzy ones?" Renee asked, suddenly curious.

"Police handcuffs, of course!" Bella laughed. "Police handcuffs are so much better, and they last longer."

"They also make you feel like a bad girl," Renee added with a giggle.

"Um," Phil murmured, extremely uncomfortable. "I never used handcuffs on you Renee… how would you know how it feels to be handcuffed?"

Renee bit her lip and stared at the ground again. "You weren't the first person I've ever had sex with…"

"I never knew you liked being handcuffed…" Phil looked disappointed. If I would of known, he murmured mentally.

"Well, Renee is a wild cat," Charlie snickered.

"So that's where I get it from!" Bella grinned. She turned to Edward and grinned wider, though he knew she was mentally begging him to end the conversation so that she could go die in a corner somewhere. "I knew I got my wildness from somebody!"

"So how are you doing?" Renee asked Emmett, trying desperately to change the subject.

"I'm good," he laughed. Ask Charlie about his relationship with Sue, Emmett prodded.

"Hey Charlie, how's Sue going?" Edward asked.

"Sue?" Renee wondered loudly.

"Who's Sue?" Phil grinned.

"Um… she's… fine, I guess." Charlie mumbled.

"Are you planning on marrying her?"

"Marrying her?" Renee looked astonished. "Sue Clearwater?"

"Y-Yeah… what's the problem?"

"Yeah, Renee," Edward smiled. "You can't expect Charlie to be in love with you forever, do you?"

Rene flinched and looked away, trying to hide the look of shock on her face. "So… are you planning on marrying her?"

"M-M-Maybe…" Charlie stammered. "Why are you concerned about that?"

"She misses having you in bed," Emmett muttered.

"N-N-No I don't!" Renee snapped.

"So…. you do think Phil's better in bed?" Emmett asked.

"NO!"

"So Charlie's better?"

"Oh. My. God," Renee growled, "Emmett, if you ask me one more thing about my sex life, I'm going to kick your ass."

"Mom!" Bella looked baffled. "That's not nice!"

"He won't stop!"

"Sex is nothing to be ashamed of," Bella continued as if Renee hadn't spoken. "If you think dad is better, then by all means, just say it."

"You're one to talk," Phil muttered, "Seeing that you sexually harassed your own dad."

Edward could practically feel how disturbed Bella felt right then. He wanted to just reach over and stroke her hand, but he knew that would only make matters worse. Edward also knew that he could use that fact to make the room even more awkward.

Bella wanted to die. Plain and simple. I cannot believe that Phil just said that!

Edward cleared his throat and smiled. "Yeah, I was kind of shocked too when I heard that Bella preferred Charlie over me."

That slimy bastard! "Yeah, but it was just a phase. I'm over it now."

"Can I ask you something, Charlie?" Edward asked.

"Y-Yeah…"

"Why did you let Bella touch you? I'm quite incensed by that."

Bella couldn't help but glare at Edward. "That's quite a question there, sweetheart."

"Why did you make out with Carlisle?" Charlie retorted.

Edward remained silent while Bella started cracking up laughing. Renee just stared at the floor, her face changing from red to purple, while Phil stared at Edward in shock.

When Carlisle heard Charlie's question, he started to choke on a salmon roll. Son of a‒

Jasper hunched down in the chair and was tempted to cover his ears. He was in the middle of a menstrual cycle lesson, and he was on his way to giving up lady parts all together. This is just wrong!

"Do you have any questions on the woman's ovary, Mr. Cullen?" his teacher, Ms. Redman, asked. However, Jasper could feel the wave of humor that the teacher was giving off. She was enjoying his suffering.

"No, ma'am." Jasper mumbled.

"Good." she turned back to the large picture of a woman's insides and began discussing why women bleed.

I will kick your ass!

Alice crawled on the living room floor of Jacob's house, feeling more out of place than a yellow vase in an all black room. She thought she was going to explode with tension, simply because the whole pack was there, and everyone was staring at her.

And the stench!

"Alice…" Jacob murmured from the doorframe leading to the kitchen, "is there a reason why you're crawling on my floor?"

"I'm your pet!" Alice blurted out.

"Excuse me?"

"Woof!"

Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose while Embry and a couple other pack members started cracking up laughing

"Is that a problem?" I don't wanna do this in front of his pack! I'm losing every ounce of my dignity. Yet, Alice could see an invisible Emmett, sitting right next to her and laughing his ass off.

"Yeah…" Jacob sighed. "Alice, I love you and all, but this is just ridiculous."

Alice crawled on her hands and knees over to where Jacob was standing and sat up on her heels. She put her hands up to her chest and "pawed" at Jacob's jeans. "But, Master‒"

"WHOA!" Jacob recoiled, red-faced. "I am not your master! And what's with the collar around your neck?"

"Woof!"

Right then, Leah walked into Jacob's house, in the middle of a sentence, when she spotted Alice on the floor. "What in the hell is going on here?"

"Alice is Jacob's pet," Sam snickered.

"This is just too funny," Quil added. "Hey Jacob, make her roll over!"

"Um…" Jacob looked away, scratching his head. "Alice, roll over."

I'm going to kill you, Alice seethed. However, with a cute smile plastered to her face, she rolled over and sat back up and barked again.

"Wow, what else does she do?" Embry wondered.

"Um… lay down!" Jacob ordered.

Alice laid down on her back and looked up at Jacob with a crooked smile on her face, all while remembering the layout of his house so that she can sneak back tomorrow and making him play dead.

"Speak!"

"Woof!" Alice barked.

"No, I mean really speak."

"Oh," Alice giggled. "Hi, Master!"

"Master?" Leah gasped.

"Yeah," Quil said, "Jacob's into that S&M bestiality shit nowadays‒"

"SHUT UP!" Jacob snapped.

Alice took the time to crawl up to Jacob again and rub her cheek against his leg. She might as well embarrass the hell out of him. "Master, am I being a good girl?"

"W-W-W-What?" Jacob backed into his kitchen counter and covered his red face. "Why?"

"Because Alice wants to be good for her daddy," Alice purred.

"Oh sweet all mighty, kill me now," Jacob muttered as practically his whole pack fell to the floor laughing. However, that's when Claire walked in with Reneesme.

"A-A-Aunty Alice!" Reneesme gasped. "What are you doing?"

"Wow, so is this what everyone meant at the dinner table when they kept saying that an orgasm is a rush of pleasure? Jacob looks like he's experience a lot of pleasure…"

"Oh my God, not this again!" Jacob wailed.

"Do you want me to give you an orgasm, Master?" Alice looked up at Jacob with innocent eyes.

"No!"

"Does that mean you don't like me…?" Alice began to cry (or pretend to cry) while laughing on the inside. This is too much fun!

Reneesme rushed to Alice's side and hugged her. "You're so mean, Jacob! All Aunty wants to do is please you, and you throw her off! What kind of man are you?"

"W-Wait! Let me explain myself," Jacob stammered.

"Uncle J," Claire shook her head while putting a hand on Alice's shoulder. "You don't need to be so rude. Just because she wants to help you stop masturbating‒"

"HOLD THE PHONE!" Jacob yelled. "That is WAY too inappropriate, Claire!"

"And now you're yelling at Claire!" Reneesme snapped. "You really are a terrible person!"

"I just wanted to make you smile…" Alice whimpered. "Master…"

"Geez, Jake," Billy murmured, rolling into the room. "You didn't have to be so mean. You could have been more polite…"

"Who's side are you on?"

"It's okay," Reneesme me whispered to Alice. "Jacob's a butt, and he doesn't deserve a pet."

"Hey, can I have her?" Seth asked which earned a slap across the head from Leah.

"Someone throw me a freaking bone here!" Jacob sighed loudly.

"You don't deserve a bone!" Reneesme snapped. "I hate you!"

Alice just had to look up to see what Reneesme's words did to him. He looked devastated. "You don't mean that…"

"Yeah, I do!" Reneesme snapped before storming out of the house.

Reneesme sat on the back porch, practically close to tears. I could never hate Jacob… But what in God's name was Aunty Alice doing?

Esme shut the laptop and squealed in joy. I did it! I watched the whole movie without crying! BOOYA!