Gintoki didn't really want to go out to investigate, but Shinpachi nagged at him until he decided that "investigation" was actually a pretty good excuse to get drunk and play pachinko all night. This turned out to be a brilliant decision, as not only did he win enough to get pleasantly sloshed without increasing his debt to the barkeep, but he also happened to meet a crying drunkard who wailed all about his recent encounters with space pirates by the docks.

"Ssssspace piratesssss-! They plundered the- Oh god, the plundering! The loot! The plundering! Ish crazy, man! But no one believes me! What'sh thish world coming toooo?" At this point, he broke into a fit of sobbing.

"Yo. Tell me about the pirates, and maybe I'll believe you," Gintoki said.

"This beeee- This bee-yoo-tiful woman went up to the pirates, and they- and they- WAAAAAAHHH!" The drunkard clawed at his eyes as if he wanted to scratch them out so he never had to see something so horrible ever again. "It was awful, what they were giving out! I can't ssshay anymore! Go ask mah buddy down by the docksh; he'll tell ya!"

Then he promptly passed out and wouldn't wake up even when Gintoki waved a beer bottle under his nose.

In Katsura's version of events, it had happened like this:

He had spotted the pirates! They were here! Katsura hid himself in the nearest alley to watch them. They appeared to be setting up a table of sorts; there had been snacks laid out and it was decorated with festive balloons. Then there was a brief argument and a scuffle amongst themselves, but Katsura was unable to hear any of it. Two of the pirates headed into town, one trudged back into their ship, and the remaining pirate... sat down at the table and took out a sign.

PIRATE RECRUITMENT, YAY! the sign said in a bold rainbow wonderland of magic marker magic.

Calling all female swashbucklers! Ever wanted to loot a space station? Take the helm on a hyperspace race against the intergalactic police? Or just blow shit up? (Blowing shit up is the best part.) If so, the Salty Squid is looking for YOU. Join now! Become a pirate today and we'll even throw in a free toaster! A $25 value, absolutely FREE!

Below this was what appeared to be the fine print, but in messy handwriting. Katsura slowly approached, glad that he'd had the foresight to come dressed for looting and pillaging. When he reached the recruitment table, he squinted to read the rest of the sign.

It was tiny scrawled cursive with various cross-outs here and there. Compared with the glorious rainbow before it, the penmanship here was so poor that it looked like it had been written with the left hand while the foreign artist was busy looking up translations. It said:

The captain and crew of the Salty Squid shall not be held accountable for any damages your reputation and/or rap sheet might incur as a result of your choice to associate with space pirates, some of whom are wanted in more than fifteen solar systems.

"Ahahaha!" The pirate excitedly ran around to greet Katsura. "Welcome, welcome! Have a seat... Oh, and please don't let the small print scare you away. Legalities, you know? One of our crew is a former accountant, and she's actually wanted for tax evasion."

Katsura blinked. He remained stoic in the face of the smiling pirate, but his mind was roiling inside. Damn that sneaky Amanto! Using such ruthless tactics such as extending one's hand in friendship only to turn traitor at the last second! The poor fools who had fallen for this must have been crying now after all their assets had been taken away by loan sharks, their families turned out on the streets, dying in dirty alleyways, too weak to even shed tears anymore...

"I SHALL AVENGE YOU ALL, MY BRETHREN! I PROMISE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT THERE IS HONOR AMONG PIRATES-! ...Ah." Having remembered himself, Katsura glanced back down. His fist lowered from where it had been railing against the heavens.

The Amanto pirate blinked at him. Katsura blinked back.

"Would you like to join our crew?" she asked. "I just baked these cookies this morning."

"Yes," Katsura said. He bit into a delicious chocolate chip cookie.

"So what's your name?"

"Kat- choo! Excuse me. My name is Joy. Joy Calderone."

"Okay, cool. I hope you're not too attached to that name, though, because pirates gotta have pirate names, so we'll figure out what to call you later. Next... What do you think of ninjas?"

"They are cowardly."

"Good. What about robots?"

"Machines have their uses, but a warrior's true strength comes from within his soul."

"...Close enough. What about the police, the... Shinsengumi or whatever you have around here?"

"Dogs of the corrupt government!"

"I like your spirit! You're in! Would you like a toaster?"

"The blue one, please."

Infiltration was a success. Things were going as planned. And even if his new toaster was a bit tacky, it was an exceptional deal.

The wino in the alley by the docks said he used to be a sailor. Even to this day, he claimed to keep track of the movements of all the most notorious pirates who had been sighted in the vicinity. Case in point, when Gintoki had given him the drunkard's description of the "beautiful woman" (most likely Katsura - no, definitely Katsura beyond a doubt) and the pirate who had taken "her", the wino had immediately jumped in to say he knew exactly who the culprit was.

Then he burped.

Then he proceeded to explain exactly who the culprit was! "A big red-haired pirate wit' a glass eyepatch, ye say? There can be only one! Haven'tcha heard? It's Redbeard the Virgin Hunter! It's said he'll kill you and take yer wimminfolk, an'... an' debauch them! Iffin yer girl is wit' Redbeard's crew, she's doomed. Ye won' recognize 'er when Redbeard's done!"

Meanwhile, in the captain's quarters of the Salty Squid...

Katsura, or "Trap", as they had taken to calling him, was sitting at the captain's desk with a copy of Shonen Jump. The captain herself was lolling about on her bed, making shadow hands prance around on the ceiling. They appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be having a girls' sleepover.

"Captain," Katsura began. He lifted his head away from the Jump to follow the movements of the shadow-rabbit eating a shadow-carrot. "Why do they call you Redbeard when you don't have a beard? Is it not obvious that you and your crew are all women?"

"Oh, I dunno... Maybe it's a metaphorical beard because I'm so super-manly and hot and I make the ladies swoon. If I bound my breasts, do you think I could pass for a man?"

"Captain, you knit little booties for your pets. While a commendable hobby, I do not believe this is what most Amanto cultures consider to be masculine behavior."

"Good point. Then maybe the beard is... uh... something like a rumor that Hooker and Lola came up with and spread when they were pissed at me that other time? One of those other times, anyway, since they're pretty much always pissed at me."

In the other room, said pirates let out synchronized sneezes.

Red pondered her new theory. "Hmm... Nah, couldn't be. Well, either way, I thought it was funny so I helped embellish the rumors a little bit myself. I've always thought it would be cool if people thought I was a mystical creature like Bigfoot."

"Ah, I see." Katsura returned to his reading.

Gintoki's face was blank as he took in the wild stories that these men were telling. If he could, he would smack each one of them with a paper fan and scream "Boke!" even if that meant stealing Shinpachi's job. Really, these Amanto sailors' fish tales were worse than the stuff kids told each other around a campfire.

There was no campfire here at this sleepover, so they substituted with flashlights.

"Redbeard!" The fish-headed Amanto began his recitation by wriggling his fin-fingers ominously. "If you light a candle in a dark room and say his name three times, he'll come to skin you alive head first!"

"Oh, but I heard that he was..." The shrimp-headed Amanto paused and looked around to create more tension. "...the spirit... of a CANNIBAL! AND HE'LL COOK YOU UP AND EAT YOU AS YOU'RE WATCHING! HE'LL FEED YOU PIECES OF YOUR OWN BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNS~! MWAHAHAHA!"

Eeek! Aaaah! They tittered like schoolgirls.

When the excitement died down, it was finally the last man's turn to tell his tale. The Amanto all waited in anticipation. Gintoki asked himself for the fourty-fifth time why the hell he was doing this.

The squid Amanto cleared his throat in preparation. "Ahem. I heard he was a transvestite butt-pirate."

The audience's response was poor. Greeted with this lack of enthusiasm, he paused, then waved his tentacles about. "Um, he's an eeevil ghoooost... of a transvestite with a weakness for guys with cute booties..." Wiggle, wiggle. His tentacles dangled uselessly in the air.

The others shook their heads.

The wiggling stopped. "...No? A-aww..."

"No, don't do that, Cthchewy! Stop it or you'll rip your new booties!" Red pulled the wad of yarn out of the pink octopus' mouth.

Cthchewy let out a little "Gragh!" and proceeded to wave his tiny be-bootied tentacles in some sort of alien sign language. The strange creature resembling an octopus wiener then scuttled along the floor and climbed its way up the desk to sniff at Katsura, who handled the situation like a professional at handling situations involving alien pets.

Katsura poked Cthchewy in the meaty mass that was its abdomen, which was the signal for Cthchewy to flip over. He then proceeded to tickle the little monster's belly, watching as it wriggled its stubby tentacles with glee.

"Hey," Red said, peeking over from the other side, "are Edo comics any good?"

"They are not comics," Katsura replied as he continued the tickle-attack. "They are called manga; there is a difference. However, in answer to your question, yes, they are very enjoyable."

"Cool. Can I borrow that when you're done? You can read through my Tek Jansen collection."

"Tek Jansen is an Amanto superhero?"

"Yup. He's had hundreds of girlfriends."

"Gragh!" Cthchewy said. Although Katsura could not understand, this roughly translated to, "I like this guy. He gives good tickles."