A/N: Man it's been absolutely FOREVER since I last updated! Geez! It probably won't be as funny, since I'm a little rusty from not writing for so long. But here ya go! I just could not let this story hang out to dry. Now as far as my Amid The White Flag, I think I might just delete that one and start over. Just a thought ^_^

Disclaimer: These delicious kittens are not mine

Rosalie's Hoot

Emmett bit his lip wildly as he tried his best not to start cracking up laughing. He was watching Scrubs, one of his favorite TV shows, and he was damn near in tears.

Carlisle opened his wallet slowly, grinding his teeth harshly against each other. The credit card that he was about to take out had exactly $10,000 on it, and Rosalie was standing in front of him, hands ready to grab it. They were in the kitchen, and Carlisle was seriously considering making a run for it. If he ran fast enough, he could make it out of Rosalie's greedy hands $10,000 safer than if he stayed.

"You can't run from me, dad," Rosalie said smugly.

Damn it. "You sure you just don't want anything else?"

Rosalie smiled innocently. "Nope. Give me the money."

Carlisle cursed under his breath as he slowly pulled the credit card out. He felt as though his hands were burning. "Are you sure you just don't wanna‒"

"NO, dad," Rosalie snapped. "Give me the credit card."

"But, you know‒"

Rosalie snatched the credit card out of Carlisle's hand before he could continue and quickly walked to the backdoor. "Thank you!"

Carlisle fell to his knees dramatically. Why me? WHY?

Esme walked into the kitchen, silently wishing that the day would just end. Apparently it was just beginning, because as soon as she walked into the kitchen, she saw Carlisle on his knees, staring at his wallet as if he lost something precious. She wanted to ask what the hell he was doing, but she knew that would mean talking like a gangster.

Here goes nothing, she sighed. "What's good, cuzz?"

Carlisle whipped his head from his wallet and gaped at her. "What the hell did you just call me?"

"Man, you heard me! I SAID, what's good, cuzz?"

A few seconds passed before Carlisle grinned. "Oh. My. God. Are you serious right now? 'Cuzz'?"

Ugh, shut up! "Man, I ain't ever been more serious than I am right now. The fuck is yo problem, man?" Esme felt as though she was speaking in tongues. Everything she said came out awkwardly.

Carlisle started cracking up laughing, and soon he was holding his stomach curled in a ball. "Where in the hell did you learn to talk like that? Are you gonna throw up gang signs too? Do you even know what a gang sign looks like?" he choked out.

Esme crossed her arms, gripping her sides in hopes of stopping herself from knocking the mess out of her husband. Rosalie is gonna get hell when she gets home!

Edward stood in the doorway of Jacob's house for the first time in a daze of pure disgust. When he opened the door, it was as though a gust of nothing but wet dog slapped him in the face. They need some Febreze in here!

Just when Edward was sure he was going to fall to the ground gasping for air he didn't really need, Jacob met him at the door with a puzzled look on his face. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to the greatest guy in the world," Edward managed to say with a smile on his face, though he was really dying on the inside.

Jacob was silent for a moment before cocking his head to the side. "Could you be more specific, dude?"

"I'm talking about you, of course!" Edward grinned, hitting Jacob's arm playfully. "I wanted to talk to you!" God, kill me now.

"Uh… yeah sure…" Jacob murmured as he moved to let Edward into the house. What in the hell is going on? Edward is acting so weird, Jacob thought. Oh God, he's not gonna crawl on the floor and call me "Master", is he?

Edward couldn't help but ball his fists at Jacob's thoughts. As if, you stupid mutt. Edward sat on Jacob's couch, got comfortable, before turning and smiling innocently at Jacob as he stood on front of him. "So," Edward began cheerfully, "how's my favorite werewolf?"

"Um… great, I guess," Jacob looked away uncomfortably. Okay, this shit isn't normal, Jacob seethed mentally. I swear these Cullens are getting weirder every day.

I couldn't agree more, Edward sighed. "I wanted to talk to you about Reneesme. I just wanted to let you know that she really doesn't hate you."

Jacob looked relieved at that. Edward almost felt sorry for him. But then he remembered the awful stench illuminating from the couch and relived his hatred for the disgusting mutt in front of him. Still, he kept smiling. "I mean, how could she ever hate you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're so awesome, Jake. I don't even think you realize how amazing you are!"

Jacob recoiled as if he'd been slapped and wrinkled his nose. "God, please don't tell me you're hitting on me."

Edward fought a rising gag. "Of course not, Jake! You deserve more than me. I mean really!"

Who the fuck is sitting in front of me right now, Jacob thought frantically. "Dude, so you're telling me… I deserve someone better than you… why?"

Right when Edward was about to talk, Seth walked in with Billy rolling in behind him. They both stopped short when they saw Edward sitting on the couch smiling.

Billy's train of thought: Did I miss something?

Seth's train of thought: OH MY GOD, the world is ending! Is Edward Cullen sitting on Jacob's couch SMILING? I think Hell just froze over.

"Hey, is everything alright in here?" Billy asked, clearly expecting a fight to the death.

"Everything is perfectly fine," Edward grinned at Billy, catching him off guard. "I was just telling Jacob how awesome he was. Don't you agree?"

"Umm," Billy hesitated, throwing sideways glances at Jacob. "I guess so. I mean he's not that awesome."

"Gee, thanks dad," Jacob muttered.

"You're welcome, son."

"Edward, are you alright?" Seth whispered. "You seem a little… off today."

"Why would you say that?" Oh my God, Seth, please kill me right now, Edward begged mentally.

"I don't know," Seth scratched his cheek. "Maybe because I've never seen you compliment Jacob."

"Well I've turned over a new leaf!" Edward said joyfully. "I was sitting at home when I just realized how amazing Jacob is. He's been through so much for my family. I think he deserves a few pats on the back!"

It was silent for a moment before Billy grinned. "Did you forget that Jacob was pining for your wife, and now he's Imprinted on your daughter?" He's full of shit right now, Billy snickered mentally. Let's test his limits.

Edward fought to not fly across the room and slap Billy. "Nope, I haven't forgotten."

This time, Seth was the one who grinned. "So… if Jacob decided to, oh I don't know, marry Nessie… you'd be okay with that?"

The fuck I will, Edward seethed. "Of course I'd be okay with it."

"What about having sex with Nessie?"

"Seth!" Jacob snapped. "What the hell, man?"

"What, you know you want to."

"She's like 3 years old!"

"I thought age was just a number?" Billy asked innocently before turning back to Edward. "Edward you can agree with this, can't you? You know, since you married someone who's like almost a century younger than you…?"

"Well… I mean Reneesme's a little young at the moment‒"

"What about when she gets older?" Seth asked.

"Seth!" Jacob growled. "Cut it out!"

Rosalie is gonna die tonight, Edward fumed. "Well, I mean maybe‒"

"Do you want some puppies for grandchildren?" Billy laughed. "I honestly wouldn't mind."

"DAD!" Jacob whined. Oh my God, please make it stop, Jacob begged mentally.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Reneesme and Jacob had babies. Especially since Nessie's gonna end up looking like Bella."

"Dad, shut UP!"

"Oh man, imagine that!" Seth snickered. "Edward, are you sure you're okay with this?"

Ugh, kill me now! "I'm perfectly fine with it!" Edward choked out. "Jacob deserves the best, and my daughter is nothing short of the best!"

"Can Jacob get a few practice rounds with Bella first?" Jared said, coming around the corner from the kitchen. "I think it's only fair if Jacob gets to practice with Bella since it's gonna be awhile before Nessie's old enough to get down doggystyle."

"JARED." Jacob snarled. "Was that necessary?"

"No, no, I agree with you, Jared!" Seth said between guffaws.

"Seth, shut up!"

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Billy mused as if Jacob hadn't spoken. "I mean, what if Jacob gets attached to Bella again?"

"Okay, THAT'S IT!" Jacob howled, shooting up from the couch with balled fists. "Edward, are you just gonna sit there and take this?" Seriously, dude, how have you been quiet this whole time, he asked mentally.

Edward, on the other hand was fighting not to kill everyone in the room. The mere images of Jacob with either Bella or Reneesme made him wanna puke. Still, a dare was a dare. "Actually," Edward struggled to say, "I wouldn't mind it at all."

"Seriously?" Jared and Seth said in unison while Billy doubled over in laughter.

HELL no, Edward swore mentally. How did complimenting Jacob turn into this? I hate the wolf pack.

Bella was cursing the day she was born and reborn as she knocked on Jacob's door. She could sense the air was tense in the house. Great, she sighed. Someone approached the door, and as it opened, she saw that it was Jacob. Just past him, she could see Edward sitting on one of the couches, Seth and Jared on the floor laughing, and Billy gripping the doorframe of the kitchen holding his stomach as he laughed himself into tears. Edward looked like he wanted to kill and Jacob looked like he wanted to die.

"Oh hey, Bella," Jacob murmured awkwardly. "What's up?"

"Hey Bells, you up for some practice rounds with Jake?" Jared laughed loudly. "You know, doggystyle?"

"Let's get it on! Oh baby, let's get it on," Seth sang as he chuckled with Jared.

"Please ignore them," Jacob begged. "Please."

"Umm… Okay…?" Bella fought the urge to ask what they were talking about. Something in her inner being told her that she didn't want to know. "Have you seen Leah?"

"Uh, yeah she's in my room in the back," he moved aside to let her in. Bella stepped in and stepped over Jared and Seth's laughing bodies, throwing a sideways smirk at Edward. He glared back.

Bella shut the door behind her as she entered Jacob's room and stared as she watched Leah sleep on Jacob's bed in nothing but denim shorts and a white beater. God, smite me now. Bella shuffled forward and leaned over Leah's sleeping body. There's only one way to come on to her while she's asleep…

Bella bent down and kissed Leah, despite her burning nose.

Jasper ran (or walked moderately) down the street, wiggling his butt while silently wishing he died a long time ago. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he was thinking of creative ways to kill Rosalie, but at the moment he had to focus on the task at hand. This can't be as bad as the Peter Pan thing, right?

With every inch of leftover dignity leaving him, Jasper jumped on a parked Nissan and began to sing:

I wanna kiss you,

But if I do then I might miss you, babe!

It's complicated and stupid

Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid

Guess he wants to play, wants to play,

a lovegame, a lovegame!

Jasper continued to jump lightly from parked car to parked car, shaking his tail-feather while singing Lady Gaga songs. Hey, this is actually really fun!

Alice bent over for the millionth time and picked up a half-eaten apple. It looked like it was supposed to be green but mother nature turned it blue and white. Alice couldn't help but gag and throw it in the trash bag she was holding in the other hand. A speeding car zoomed by, close enough to splash muddy water from a puddle all over Alice.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" she cursed loudly. I hate you Rosalie!

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!

Jasper sang loudly in front of the police station as Charlie and four other officers watched him in awe.

"I think", one of the officers whispered to Charlie, "I think the Cullens have lost it…"

"Jesus Christ," Charlie muttered.

Reneesme sat on the floor of the living room in front of the couch, sobbing silently as Rosalie combed her fingers through Reneesme's hair. She wasn't being gentle with it either.

"Aunty, you're hurting me!"

"Shh! I haven't even brought out the comb yet!" Rosalie hooted to herself. She dug into her purse which was beside her and whipped out a large comb with crooked and bent teeth.

As if Hell was chasing her, Reneesme shot up and dashed for the door. Her hands were on the doorknob when Rosalie grasped her by the back of her shirt and dragged her back to the couch. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nooooooooo!" Reneesme cried out.