"Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said, "I don't think these sunglasses are necessary."
"Of course they're necessary, aru. Who's ever heard of a secret agent without sunglasses?"
There was silence as Shinpachi considered how best to deal with this situation. Gintoki had gone off in the direction of the pachinko parlor, which left the two of them to the real investigation. Using his powers of common sense, Shinpachi had decided that their first stop was to check out the Nyarita Intergalactic Spaceport in downtown Edo, which had detailed logs of all legal spaceship activity in the region... and offered bounties on everything else.
1. become bounty hunters
2. defeat pirates (and find Katsura-san)
3. claim bounty
4. ? ? ?
5. PROFIT
His plan was foolproof.
Unfortunately, the whole place was swarming with Amanto, many of whom were the obnoxious panther-types that had bullied him back when he had been working at that cafe. Seeing their ugly whiskered faces brought up bad memories for Shinpachi. Nevertheless, he was determined to kill two birds with one stone. Gin-san, I promise to get us a job that will earn enough for you to pay rent this month! ...And take away your excuse for skimping out on my salary, damn it!
Shinpachi sucked in a deep breath. It was time to put his plan into action. "Well, it was fun while it lasted, but I'm taking them off now. Let's check the information kiosk first."
Before he could make a move, Kagura slammed his arm back against the wall. Her lips curled up in a gangsta sneer as she threatened him. "Huuuh? What was that, Pachi? Ya disobeyin' the boss, huuuuh? I oughta chop off ya li'l finger fer that!"
"I thought you said we were secret agents, not yakuza!"
"Doesn't matta. I'm the boss o' this mission, aru. And what th' boss says, goes!"
"Are you serious? We're wearing sunglasses at night, indoors. The only people who do that are either blind, or just had their eyes dilated at the optometrist. And just look at me! NO ONE wears sunglasses on top of their glasses! Aaaargh!" He yanked off the sunglasses and glared at Kagura, panting as if he'd just run a marathon. Which he had. He'd been racing against stupidity since the day he'd joined the Yorozuya.
"Geez, Pachi, you don't have to be so mean about it..." Kagura pouted and took off her own sunglasses. "And after I went to all that trouble to get us these cool secret agent outfits, too..."
"What outfits? All we have are sunglasses. They were two-for-one, and you bought them at the dollar store with a coin you probably picked up from under a vending machine."
"It wasn't from the vending machine. I found it in Madao's cardboard box, aru."
"YOU ROBBED A HOMELESS MAN?" Shinpachi's hands were shaking as he looked down at the evil sunglasses he was clutching. Sunglasses! Sunglasses born from the pain of a man who hid his pain behind sunglasses! And hid his savings in a cardboard box which had been robbed to buy sunglasses! Forgive me, Hasegawa-san!
"Anyway, I'm in still charge, right Sadaharu?"
"Arf!"
"See?"
"Ahem." Their conversation was interrupted by a security guard. "Excuse me, ma'am, but dogs aren't allowed in here."
Kagura quickly snapped the sunglasses back on before turning to acknowledge him. "I'm blind, aru."
"Oh, my sincere apologies!" The man quickly bowed and left. Once out of hearing range, Kagura once again channeled her inner mafioso.
"A'ight, now let's get down to business! C'mon, minion, to the bounty hunters' guild, aru!" She raised her fist for great justice! For great justice and sukonbu!
"Arf!"
In two bounding lopes, Sadaharu had caught up to and devoured the security guard's head.
Deep in the bowels of hyperspace, a pirate ship sailed by. It was on a mission to the planet Gliese 581 g, and the ruthless pirates on board would stop for nothing before they tasted blood.
"Beeeoooouuuuiiiieeee~"
"Captain, stop that."
"Uuuuuuooooooooouuuoooo~"
"Captain!"
"Bweeauuooo?"
Crack! Hooker smashed a hole in the wall with her hook hand. Bosoms heaving with rage, she viciously dug out some earplugs and shoved them in. The captain was dead to her! The world was dead to her!
Undeterred, Captain Redbeard continued manning the ship while broadcasting through the comm for all the universe to hear: "Buuuuuuiiiiii~ Buuuuuuiiiiiii~"
Katsura sat next to Plank with Cthchewy on his shoulder. The two (or three, but Cthchewy was preoccupied with munching on Katsura's hair) of them watched the scene unfold impassively. He glanced outside, but saw nothing in the bowels of hyperspace except little turds of asteroids here and there, and he wondered, vaguely, what it would be like to come out the other end, out of the extraterrestrial pucker and into a brave new world...
"Captain?" he tentatively called out. Sensing that he was about to kick up a shit-storm of insanity, Plank tried to signal him to remain silent. She timidly flapped her hands while her lips quivered and tears formed in her eyes, but alas, Katsura did not understand. He continued his line of questioning.
"Captain, what language are you speaking?"
"Buuu- I mean, it's Whelsh, the language of the whales!"
"Whales! There are whales in space? Space whales?" Katsura's eyes lit up in anticipatory glee. The synapses in his brain began firing rapidly; his mind was bursting with possibilities that no one else could even imagine. Literally.
"Psst. No, stop now," Plank whispered. She was summarily ignored.
"Yes, space whales! Or, well, they're actually starwhals. You know, like narwhals? They have these horns on them, see, and each one has a star at the tip, 'cuz the starwhals are just that big. The starwhals do this to attract mates - skewer stars on their horns, that is. It's like their way of saying, 'Look at me! I'm such a daredevil! I just pierced this pulsar on my very phallic extension, fuck yeah!' And I hear that sometimes you can even see planets still orbiting the stars! I'm trying to call them over. Because they're really cool. You wanna try?"
Hands shaking with utter awe at the situation, Katsura approached the console. He reached out, reverently caressing the 'broadcast' button. Behind him, unnoticed, Plank had begun to sob again. Beside him, the captain gave him the go-ahead.
He pressed down.
"BWWUUUUOOOUUUUUUIIIIEEEE~"
"Fire! Fire at the piratey bastards!" shouted Commander Zephranox.
"Yessir!"
The crew raced off to their battle stations, determined to protect their precious cargo. The large carrier, though well-armored, was cumbersome and had already taken much damage from the deadly small fighters these piratey bastards liked to employ.
"Goddamn Carinids..." the commander muttered under his breath. Ship #437 of the Intergalactic Imperial Fleet was under assault by none other than the notorious King of the Space Pirates of the Carinae, Piratus McPirate VI.
BOOM! CRASH! FZZZT!
The latest wave of laser torpedoes hit the already staggering ship, sending a dozen or so crew members flying. "Ugh!" grunted Commander Zephranox as his perfectly chiseled face smashed into the navigation console. When he slowly pulled himself back up, his once-aquiline nose was awkwardly bent and blood streamed down his face. As the emergency alarms blared, the central vid screen suddenly flickered on. The man who appeared was none other than the Pirate King himself, with a couple members of his harem strategically draped across the battle-scarred man so as to best rub it in his harem-less enemies' faces.
"Bwahahahaa! Arr…Zephranox," said the burly pirate, "This be ye last moments, ol' friend. Yer engines is down an' me men've seized yer rum an' cargo. 'Tis our booty now!" And just out of spite, the swerving horde of pirate ships shot at them some more.
"You fiend!" Zephranox gasped. "You won't…guh…get away with this!"
"Oh, but ah already 'ave! Th' Emperor's new shipment o' sex robots is mine, yar! BOOTY!"
"Nooo!"
But even before the Commander's cry had ended, space pirates had swarmed into the room and were meticulously slaughtering his crew. Seeing no other way, Zephranox attempted to at least save some of his men. "Evacuate, men! Everyone to the escape pods!"
The remaining crew members fought their way to the pods with the pirates right at their heels. One by one, the Commander saw his men slain by the ruthless pirates and their plasma-beam cutlasses until there was only one lone cadet fighting bravely at his side.
The two survivors managed to finish off the first wave of pirates only to see another rounding the corner. They were so close to salvation, but the pirates were gaining. So close! So close!
"Hurry, rookie! Get in the pod!" The cadet vaulted into the tiny spacecraft in record time. Furiously fumbling, he somehow managed to enter the correct launch sequence. He closed his eyes for a second and breathed a sigh of relief as the countdown began, only to open them to the most gruesome sight he'd ever witnessed.
Three. Commander Zephranox had made it to his own pod, yes, but he was just a tad bit slow in closing the hatch. The pirates had swarmed him and dragged him out kicking and screaming. Well, the escape pods were soundproof, but he sure looked like he was letting out some pretty loud stuff.
Two. The once proud and fearless leader of Ship #437 of the Intergalactic Imperial Fleet desperately clung to the sides of the rickety pod while the pirates grabbed hold of his legs and stretched him out. Wait. Leg, singular. An over-zealous pirate just sliced off one of the limbs with his plasma-beam cutlass. It looked like the other pirates were giggling.
One. A particularly vicious lady pirate, a four-armed little thing from Phom-2, the cadet duly noted, sunk her razor sharp claws into the Commander's perfectly muscled abdominals, fished around for a bit, and ripped out what appeared to be his liver. Or maybe it was a kidney. She turned around and gave the cadet a razor sharp grin.
He launched. She ate his liver. Kidney. Whatever.
Damn, but it was traumatizing.
-oOo-
"Ooh, Captain Mordred! Your stories get me all hot and bothered…"
"Yes, tell us more about your cadet days, studmuffin."
"No, tell us more about your quest to stop your evil sister Morgan. You know how fascinating I find those tales."
The Captain pondered whether or not to tell the tavern wenches. He was really pondering their lovely backsides, but somehow managed to make it seem like a suave and sophisticated move. "Maybe next time, ladies. Captain Mordred's got things to see, people to do. People like those busty space ninjas."
He smiled, and his pearly whites beamed so brightly that it was like a halogen lamp suddenly switched on in the middle of a pitch-black cave. The tavern wenches shielded their eyes so they wouldn't go blind, which was exactly the cue Mordred had been waiting for. He quickly scrambled away from the bar and into the more obscured corners of the room.
Because there was only one thing the heroic Captain Mordred feared, and that was commitment. Even if that commitment was to three separate women.
"Hello there, little lady... You wouldn't happen to be a space ninja, would you?" He winked at the sizzling little number with the healthy appetite.
"Um, excuse me, sir... K-Kagura-chan's off limits..."
"Oh, is that so? Is it because you're her little boyfriend, then?"
"N-no! No way! We're not like that!" Shinpachi vehemently denied the idea even as he tried to squish his way between Kagura and the strange pervert who suddenly approached them. Perhaps, he thought from the part of his mind that wasn't freaking out at the unexpected issue of having to deal with such a brazen child molester, it was his brotherly protective instinct kicking in.
"Well, then, seeing such a fine young lady all alone..."
"But- But you can't be-because-!"
At that moment, Kagura swallowed the last bite of her delicious stew. Slowly, she turned her eyes up at her admirer.
Their eyes met.
And there was a spark.
"Because I'm fourteen, aru!" She punctuated the statement with a jump-kick to the face.
Captain Mordred flew clear across the room and slammed into the wall. To add insult to injury, Sadaharu flew out from under their table to play "fetch" with the man's head.
Battered and bleeding, and apparently a glutton for punishment, he crawled up to them again. "Rawr! You've got it going on. Why, in a few years, I could see you taking the Miss Milky Way title."
"Ho ho ho!" Kagura preened. "Of course I will, aru! And while I'm winning beauty pageants, you'll be in jail on child molestation charges, won't you, Mr. Pedophile?"
"Well, how about I give you some candy and let you have a ride on my spaceship, eh?" Wink, nudge, eyebrow-raise. "Glasses boy can come, too," he tacked on at the end.
"Excuse me? I am not my glasses! And what makes you think we want anything to do with such a suspicious person like yourself! Come on, Kagura, let's get out of-"
Shinpachi's tirade was interrupted by a perfectly tanned, muscular fist coming out to grip his face. And turn his head from side to side. And pinch his cheeks like an overzealous aunt.
"Hmm... Now that I've gotten a look at you, you're not so bad yourself..."
"No way, absolutely no way!" He wrenched the hand away. "Look, we're on a mission, okay? We don't have time to be playing around with sick bastards like you! Kagura, come on." He turned to face her. "Now that we've eaten, let's go back to check on the bounties-"
"Hey, Pedo-man, make that an all-you-can-eat Vegas style buffet and you've got a deal."
A/N: I stole the idea of "Whelsh" from Pirates of the Undead Sea (look up the game on Kongregate). Starwhals are totally mine, though. LOLWUT. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me so far! I know, this fic is a mess. It's just a dumping ground for crack, really... But then again, that's just perfect for Gintama :D