I didn't even attempt to pry him out of the closet. Instead I sat on the bed, looking at my hands and what I held in it, quickly laying it behind me so that Luc would look at me throughout our conversation.
"Lucas?... Lucas?" I asked quietly making sure that my tone had no hint of anger or frustration. The rustling of closet debris told me he was moving. Maybe not at top speed but he was at least making an effort. I saw little fingers curl around the edge of the door before I saw the fringe of hair and then the inquiring eyes. If I hadn't been there on a very specific mission I would have thought him more than just a little cute. I lifted my left arm off my leg and motioned him with my hand for him to come out.
Maybe it was genetics, or maybe it was being raised for the past 6 years in a household that does a lot of its talking with their eyes but without words he asked "Are ya gonna yell?"
As more of his face and body was visible from around the corner of the closet door I motioned once again for him to come over, only this time a little more vigorously. Sitting on the edge of the bed I was still much taller than he was so to make sure that we were face to face I had to maintain my leaning posture with my arms resting on my legs. I held his hands in my own and squeezed them gently to get him to look up at me and not at his feet that he was staring at.
"Lucas…" and before I could continue tears silently slid down his face. Geez… I thought ... it would be nice if this job was a little easier. "C'mon Bear, put those tears away" I used my thumb to wipe away the few tears still lingering on his cheek. "I" I started before I took another deep breath "Luc…why don't you tell me what happened at school today?" I needed to … no wanted to… ascertain his interpretation of the events and figure out exactly how he was feeling about the outcome. I didn't think I was wrong but there is always the possibility.
He began his description slowly and methodically but by the time he got to the part of the story that was the actual fight and the teachers' reactions he was in full "Abby babbling" mode. I don't think he took a breath for several minutes as he rattled on. When he finally came to the end of his explanation he had to take several breaths to catch up for those he'd missed. As his shoulders heaved as though he'd run a marathon I simply sat silently waiting for him to be wholly present and in the moment.
"Lucas… I understand that what Liam did was wrong… but I want you to know that by fighting you put yourself in the same category… solving your problems with your fists doesn't work… "I started only to be interrupted by his quiet little voice.
"You fight… Uncle Tony fights… Auntie Ziva fights… you…" before he could get any further I gently placed my index finger over his lips.
"Listen Luc…Are you listening?" I asked as he nodded I removed my finger. "I need you to listen very very carefully ok?" again he nodded.
"We fight when we have to…. and ONLY when we have to… we always try to use words… ALWAYS… fighting is always a last resort … and when we have to fight…. We don't think we've won… we aren't happy or proud that we got to that point…. We feel disappointed in ourselves and the situation… we think 'how could we have done that better?' "I explained as Luc's eyes grew wider and wider as I said each phrase.
I answered his unvoiced question of "Really?" with a nod of my own head. We stood there looking at each other for several more moments and then Luc opened his mouth to say something on a few occasions but then stopped. I waited to see if he would continue but in the end he dropped his head and shoulders and took great interest in the carpet.
Again I gently shook his hands that I had once more grasped in my own. He only looked at me through the tops of his eyes. I didn't force a more direct gaze as I all too well understood how he felt. I too had been the little boy standing in front of his father coming to the conclusion that even though he may have fought or killed he wasn't proud of it and I shouldn't be either. It isn't an easy realization to swallow.
"Luc… what can you do next time?" I asked leaning forward even more so that he could see my eyes.
Shaking his head "There isn't going to be a next time!" his words falling out so quickly I only understood them from years of experience with Abby. "That's good to hear" I said suppressing a chuckle that tried to bubble out. "But what I meant was the next time a bully bothers you or a friend" I clarified.
"Oh" he exclaimed finally understanding what I'd initially meant. "Go to a teacher?" he asked not sure of the 'right' answer. "That would be a good choice" I replied. We spoke for a few minutes about alternatives to physical altercations. When again silence settled between us I waited. Concluding that Luc had nothing else to add I decided now was the time to actually put into action the plan I'd arrived with.
"Lucas… do you realize that Ms. Carmichael was actually supposed to send you to the principal's office for fighting?" asking him more to get him into the conversation as I was well aware he knew the answer. He nodded in the affirmative and so I continued "do you know what would have happened to you if you'd been sent to the office?" I asked shaking his hands again as his head dropped and his shoulders sagged. I waited before asking again "Do you?"
His little face lifted ever so slowly to look me in the eye and then he turned his head slightly so that he was really looking at me through the side of his eyes. Twisting his lips side to side he started to talk and then went silent. His whole body moved with nervous energy as he tried to speak again. I was pretty sure that what I was about to say was already known by my son but I said it anyway. "If you'd been sent to the principal's office you would have been paddled and then sent home for at least the rest of the day if not suspended for longer." I'd let my voice take on a tenor of firmness and seriousness.
His gulping swallow and quick intake of air was expected. I sat for another few seconds so that my words had time to sink in. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked needing some sort of recognition that he was processing the words I was saying. When he finally nodded I continued "and I am going to let you know right now… that if your mother or I EVER get that phone call… EVER… I'll paddle you myself when I get home" and as I spoke I placed the small paddle I'd received almost 7 years ago on my lap.
Luc's eyes bulged out of their sockets as he gasped again. My first gut feeling when I saw him stare at the small rectangle of wood with a handle was "Thank God he's scared… it probably means I will never have to actually use it…" Then I too took a deep breath. Neither of us spoke for some time. I didn't want to interrupt his processing of my words and actions. Finally an unnaturally squeaky voice tried to say something and the little boy deep inside of me knew what he was trying to ask but couldn't find the courage to do so.
"No … no little bear… not tonight" I said setting the paddle on the quilt and reaching out to take my son into my arms to hold, carefully, so that I didn't touch his bruised face. Luc immediately broke down into heart wrenching sobs; I just sat there cuddling him close to my chest rocking him to and fro until he had finally gotten control of himself.
Then with a feigned seriousness I pulled him away from my lap and held him under his arms. With my eyebrows raised I declared "We have something else to discuss about your behavior… don't we?"
His confused look quickly melted away when I tilted my head towards the hallway and looked towards the stairs. "Oh… that" he said realizing I meant his little spy expedition a guilty smile creeping onto his face. "Eavesdropping is rude and I won't stand for it …" my tone firm but still gently loving. "Your mother and I need to be able to have private conversations … do you understand?"
"Daddy… it wasn't really private … you were yelling very loud… everyone could have heard you" he said with a cheeky grin and it was my turn to blush guiltily. I turned him sideways with my right hand firmly on his arm and landed two solid swats to his now available backside. They were actually hard enough to produce a decent sting. His free hand quickly flew back to protect his bottom as he turned with an angry glare and said "What was that for?" sounding so much like Tony I laughed before I could answer. His expression changing to insulted before I got control of myself. "For eavesdropping and being saucy about it!"I declared as I scooped him up and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Together we descended the stairs and joined the rest of the family in the living room.