A/N Hiya! I'm glad to be updating! :D OKAY, reasoning behind the really long wait! My grandfather died during the time in between chapters, so I've been quite depressed… I just couldn't bring myself to type a humor story during the mourning time… BUT that's over now! Lol I love this chappie. Think about this, lovelies, most of the crap that goes down in this fic has actually happened to me or one of the people in our groups on cruises. No lie. Some crazy shit has happened to us. XD P.S. I only got one vote, but it was to yaoi! Here it is, Paige. As requested. Shippings now are: bronzeshipping, puzzleshipping, and any suggestions. I just really wanted bronzeshipping. It be my favorite. X3 I'll ship almost anyone, but straight pairings are actually hard for me to write. Yuri is a no-no. Well… maybe. If I could make it work. I only ship Yuugi and Yami together because I hate them both with such a passion that I will not ship them with any other characters. Sorry. *Shrugs*

WARNINGS: Yaoi and language! I curse, therefore the characters curse as well. Put quite simply. Yaoi warning! Boyxboy! Don't like, pretend the uke is a girl! XDD Or don't read, but that's no fun.

DISCLAIMER: The only Yu-Gi-Oh! type-things I own are my cards, a tin, a bag my friend bought me at the Salvation Army store, some bootleg cards with spelling errors, and the movie on DVD. That's the extent.

Chapter 4: Where the hell are we?

The third day on the Willy-boat had striking similarities to the one that preceded it…

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-y!" Layla's effervescent voice rhymed over the loudspeaker, jolting all the cruise-goers out of their dream lands and into the harsh universe called reality. "Today we dock in Colón, Panamá; so every single one of you should rise and shine and prepare to have fun!" the peppy voice cheered.

:-:-:

"Ugh… Again, too early," Marik groaned as he rubbed at his drooping eyelids. His miniature doppelganger with the more logical hair slowly opened his lavender eyes to face his bedmate. The yami smiled—something already rare enough; let alone in the morning—and gazed as his hikari lovingly, with a dash of the usual unadulterated insanity.

The young tomb robber grinned up at his lover, "Good morning, Mar-Mar." This caused the other man in the bed to growl menacingly, but all that did was make the boy giggle quietly.

The tanned yami shoved his beautiful hikari out of the bed and onto the synthetic carpet.

"Have fun on the floor, dumbass."

:-:-:

The loudspeaker—again—didn't even faze Bakura as he snored soundly in his "little patch of heaven". Ryou had been previously awoken by said snoring, and was preparing a revenge tactic. He held a glass filled to the brim with ice-cold water over his yami's head as the sleeping one moaned and flipped over in his sleep. The small albino chuckled silently, whilst jiggling the cup so as to send drops of water raining down on his twin's face. The cold liquid seemed to agitate Bakura, but not enough to rouse him out of his slumber. His hikari, now somewhat pissed, decided to pick out his own coffin and dumped the rest of the clear water onto his yami's sleeping form. The form then shot out of the bed, hissing and scratching at Ryou like a very annoyed feline—Ryou would call him a kitten, Bakura would call himself a tiger.

"Ah. What a phenomenal way to start off a day on a piece of hell floating in the ocean…" The pale yami muttered while hopping in the shower to rid himself of the icy sting.

:-:-:

"Bro! Wake up! Today is the day we dock in Colón!" Mokuba squealed excitedly as he jumped on his brother, whom was still fast asleep in the provided bed.

Seto slowly came back into our dimension, sluggishly climbing out of bed and clambering into the large bathroom. After fully awakening himself, the brunette exited the room and entered the one his smaller counterpart was currently occupying.

"Hiya, Seto! You should hurry up and get ready! We don't want all the fat people inhaling all the food before we get there!" the raven-headed boy spouted as soon as he noticed his brother digging through his suitcase after entering the room.

Seto looked at his brother with a look of pure disbelief sketched onto his face, "Right. Right. I'm going to hurry up to go be aggravated by all those losers with the ridiculous hair."

"Yes," Mokuba replied smugly, "Yes you are."

:-:-:

"That bitch…" Mai muttered irritably as the loudspeaker clicked off, the cruise director's voice ringing in the blonde's ears. Anzu's head raised itself from its last position on the bed next to her friend's.

"What'd you say, Mai?" the brunette slurred blearily.

The aforementioned blonde just groaned and dragged her tired carcass out of the plush bed.

Once the two females had completed their morning routines, they made their weary ways down to the Lido Deck. But, by that time, it was already 11 o'clock. The wake-up blare sounds at 9 o'clock. Way to go, girls.

:-:-:

"Yuugi! Aibou! The ceiling is speaking to me!" Yami screeched as soon as Layla's cheerful voice penetrated his peaceful slumber.

His lover slowly opened his amethyst eyes, "Yami… That's the loudspeaker. It's supposed to do that… It did the same thing yesterday…"

"Oh?" the taller of the two replied slowly, "How does that even work?"

His hikari wisely remained silent and went about getting ready for the long, painful, and hot day that was in their near future. Hoo-freaking-rah.

:-:-:

The sudden noise that erupted from the speakers scared the living daylights out of Jonouchi, sending him plummeting to itchy ground from his previous position on his bunk bed. Emerald eyes were lazily dragged open when Ryuuji heard the 'THUMP' that was his blonde friend hitting the ground. Hiroto didn't even stir, his breathing remaining steady and undisturbed.

Jo and Otogi glanced at each other, malice in their eyes. The gamer snuck over to the ice bucket, grabbing a handful and bounding over to his brunette friend's bed. The blonde lifted he sheets off of his bed friend; and Ryuuji shoved the ice as far down Honda's pants as was humanly possible.

The minor character's eyes shot open, and he flew into the bathroom screaming something about rum and Antarctica. This sent his two friends into fits of side-breaking laughter as they got themselves ready.

:-:-:

Marik, Malik, Bakura, Ryou, Seto, Mokuba, Yuugi, Yami, Jonouchi, Ryuuji, and Hiroto all met up at ten thirty at the Shore Excursions desk. They had planned an excursion without the two girls, because their female companions wanted to stay on board that day. The boys checked in at the desk, debarked, and found their tour guide with ease. He had been holding a large sign that read: PANAMÁ CANAL AND GATÚN LOCKS TOUR.

Their guide was a petite man in his mid-fifties at the least. He smelled of donkey dung and rotting cabbage, and gave off an aura of poor hygiene and hobos. "¡Hola! Me llamo José," the scruffy man informed them in fluent Spanish.

Malik, proud of his knowledge of the foreign language, stepped forward whilst flipping his golden locks over his tanned shoulder.

The blond smiled sweetly, "Ellos no hablan Español, Señor."

"Ah. Okay," came the gruff response in a heavy Latino accent.

"Malik? You know Spanish?" Yuugi inquired, stunned at the little exchange.

The blonde in question nodded brusquely, "I took it for 3 years. You know, school? Yeah."

"Okay. Get on bus," José commanded, ambling towards a large gas-guzzling vehicle already filled with tourists.

Marik sighed aloud, "We are going on a bus full of tourists… Malik, hold me." Said hikari just rolled his amethyst eyes and dragged his lover aboard the bus. Both of the other yami-hikari pairs boarded, soon followed by the trio of trouble.

They all settled in seats in the same general area, due to the fact that all of them—even Marik and Bakura—were reluctant to sit near strangers that smelled of expired milk and armpits. As repulsive as these people are, they were nothing compared to the horrors that await my little victims.

"Here! Gatún Locks y Panamá Canal!" José stated happily as he parked the bus. The humans and yamis inside piled out, breathing in the fresh air.

"OH MY RA I THINK I'M DYING!" Bakura declared dramatically, dropping to his knees and clawing at his nose. His best friend soon followed, both yamis rolling around in the dirt, screeching, with their hands clasped over their nostrils. Their hikaris both hung their heads in shame as their other halves continued to make a scene.

"Okay, dumbasses. What the hell is wrong with you?" Yami demanded, storming up to his fellow dark sides.

The albino dumbass cracked a garnet eye open, gazing skeptically at the King of Games. He opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't get a chance as his Egyptian friend's voice filled the tense air.

"This place smells like a horse took a dump all over it."

"You guys! I'm going to castrate both of you in your sleep and feed you to some sharks. … One day…" Ryou interjected, surprising all his friends and the troublesome yami duo.

"O-okay, Ryou…" His yami replied shakily, slowly rising from his spot on the filthy ground. The pineapple-headed Egyptian followed suit, sluggishly treading towards his pissed off hikari.

Both of the devious yamis received some form of punishment, but Marik—honestly—got the worst end of it. All Bakura got was an actual slap on the wrist and an embargo on meat for the rest of the day. His best friend, on the other hand, is sexless for an entire month. The poor, poor bastard.

:-:-:

The rest of the tour went off without a hitch, aside from the occasional sarcastic snide comment from either of the two problem yamis. They observed the raising and lowering of the water levels in the locks—bored out of their skulls all the while—and loafed around while the large cargo ship slowly chugged through. After our heroes almost died of boredom, the bus filled with tourists made its pathetic way over to a Catholic 'Catedral'. José parked the bus and the passengers trampled each other on their ways out, eager to get some livestock-shit air into their desperate lungs. How sad…

"Okay people!" José captured the crowd's attention with a heavily accented baritone, "Tour over! You all shop now. I come back later." There was a general murmur of understanding, and the tourists raced off to buy a shitload of crap they'll never use.

:-:-:

Marik, glad that his ability to breathe was returned to him, stalked over to the cathedral and wandered inside. His lover hurried after him and the paler-than-ghosts hikari pair followed the Egyptians.

"Oh! Wow! This is absolutely stunning!" Ryou squealed as his gazed around the humungous 'Catedral'. Religious murals covered the walls, the windows were stained with ancient legends, and a large wooden alter graced the wall parallel to the doors the yami-hikari pairs had entered through. The structure at the head of the chamber was beautifully carved and contained a statue of the Virgin Mary, her arms open and welcoming.

"Wow… The Spaniards must have had a lot of time on their hands…" Bakura observed thoughtfully.

His hikari nodded, "Yeah. But it's wonderful that they did. Now we have treasures like this…"

"Treasures that smell like cow shit and dead people!" Marik's voiced echoed around the holy relic.

"Marik! How dare you! This is a sacred place of worship for Catholics. Do not disrespect their religion," the pale hikari scolded the Egyptian. The blonde looked to his lighter side and received a nod, signaling him to obey and keep his trap shut.

"Ryou's right, hun. None of us are Catholics, but we still need to honor their houses of worship. It's like someone going to Egypt and saying that our past Pharaohs smell like beef jerky and sand. It's just not right," Malik agreed, his violently violet eyes smoldering with passion.

"What the-? What's up with you 'Lik?" the albino yami inquired, noticing his friend's tensed muscles and fiery irises.

Malik looked at him questioningly, "'Lik? Really? And it's nothing… I just get passionate about religions. They are sacred to people… That should be respected... You know?"

"Nope," Bakura shook his head, "I have been a plunderer, murderer, and thief all my life. You really think I can respect anything except myself?" The blonde just shrugged, then racing off to locate his yami, whom had disappeared a while back.

The aforementioned yami was found sitting in the marble basin of holy water, washing his feet and shoes.

"MARIK!" Malik screeched, "What the hell are you doing?" T

he taller ex-tomb-keeper gazed at his lover in disbelief, "Seriously? You can't figure it out?"

"No. I cannot. I want it explained in full detail."

"Okay, okay! So I was wandering around, got bored, pissed on a statue, strolled outside, stepped in a cow pie, ambled on in here, and am now washing my feet in this over-sized birdbath."

"… You pissed on a statue?"

"Yeah!"

"Which one, dare I ask?"

"That one with the huge lady with her arms open in a very pedophile way."

The blonde hikari face-palmed and stomped off, whilst muttering something about needing a new boyfriend. His yami/boyfriend/lover remained in the "birdbath" with a content smile gracing his bronzed features. Ryou had previously fainted at the sight of his dark side's best friend in the holy water. The unconscious one's other half was kneeling down next to him, attempting to revive the poor boy.

Once Ryou was up and kicking, he stormed out of the magnificent cathedral with a face redder than Bakura's ass gets when it gets slapped. Which is really red.

:-:-:

"Otogi! Look at me!" Jonouchi called for the brunette's attention.

Ryuuji turned his skeptical gaze to the blonde, and his pale hand shot up to his mouth. He was trying to stifle his laughter when he saw his slow friend decked out in pink jewelry.

The boy had thought of everything; from feather clip-on earrings to rings bigger than his hands. Honda was standing next to the effeminate boy, pretending to take pictures while saying things like, "Work it, baby!" and "Shake what your mother gave you!"

The trio's antics were quite entertaining to the icy CEO, who was watching them amusedly. His smaller sibling was busy buying small, rather useless trinkets from some dirty children standing near the road. Seto almost warned his brother to stay away, but then just settled on glaring at the young boys as they made contact with his only family. I looks could kill, those kids would have been sent to oblivion by now.

:-:-:

"Okay! All you! Back on bus!" José repeated relentlessly as he wandered around, searching for his group of tourists. Once all of the souls were back on the air-conditioned bus, the yamis were arguing as if their puny little lives depended on it.

"There is no way your hikari better than Ryou, Marik! You hikari wears PURPLE!" Bakura sneered haughtily.

Violet eyes were rolled cockily, "At least he isn't a friendship whore like the Pharaoh's hikari."

"That's true," the albino yami agreed. "And he claims not to be a stripper, yet he wears copious amounts of leather and chains."

"Shut up you two! Bakura, you fail at thieving. Marik, you went a little heavy on the eyeliner there," Yami informed his fellow dark sides with an air of superiority surrounding his statements.

"I'm better than you'll ever be, you pompous poof!" the retired Thief King growled menacingly.

The Egyptian narrowed his lovely eyes, "IT'S KOHL, YOU FUCKER!"

"How is that any different from eyeliner, huh?" Bakura inquired with a smirk, turning against his best friend once more.

The Pharaoh nodded, "Either way, it's still rather effeminate. Don't you think?"

"Oh, okay, I see how it is," Marik replied arrogantly. "Oh yes, Bakura. Your golden and shiny ring is so very masculine. And Yami? You were one of those, 'Sorry, but he actually is yours' children."

Both the yamis opened their mouths, and then closed them shut soon after, unable to conjure up another clever comeback.

"Finally! The fairies have come back to this planet," Kaiba sighed after the trio of yamis had finished their incessant bickering. This sarcastic comment earned many snickers from the rest of the group, and even a few people who happened to be eavesdropping giggled to themselves.

Yami chose to ignore the CEO, Bakura just grumbled to himself, and Marik lost his almost non-existent temper and threw his Millennium Rod at Seto's head.

The rich brunette was clocked in the head by the soaring cursed metal, and a slew of curses erupted from his mouth. "Okay, you stupid-ass foreigner, what the hell is your fucking problem?" He asked venomously, agitated beyond all reason. Put simply: He's pissed off as all get out.

Marik, being the obliviously adorable bastard he is, responded, "Would you like me to make you a list?"

Completely stumped by that comment—stumping people is one of Marik's extensive list of talents, right above "being a douche" and below "tap dancing"—the brunette CEO just growled and sulked the entire two-hour bus ride back.

The Egyptian yami, proud of his unimportant victory, spent the bus ride gloating to and making small talk with the seven-year-old boy he was sitting next to.

:-:-:

The gang played I-Spy the majority of the time, and they kept spotting trees. After some time, they only had to say "I Spy-" then one of them would say "Tree!". How exciting.

Ryou, Bakura, and Malik wasted time idly chatting and ripping on Marik and his very pedo-like way of speaking to his "new best friend".

:-:-:

Once back on the Willy-boat; our protagonists ate dinner like zombies, devoured cakes like zombies, and crashed… like zombies.

:-:-:-:-:-:

A/N Damn! It's been, like, two months since this has been updated! D: But I'm updating now! Yay! So if you want to suggest any pairings you could PM me or leave it in a review. :D Hmn… Anything else… Oh! The I-Spy thing with the trees is a reference to Brother Bear, which I don't own. It's a good movie, though. Disney owns it, the lucky bastards… And the Spanish conversation:

José: Hi! My name is José.

Malik: They don't speak Spanish, sir.

Simple enough, eh?

"PIGFARTS!"

~Draco Malfoy (Lauren) from A Very Potter Musical. Pigfarts is a school on Mars! XDD