(A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates- my granddad was in the hospital and it was hard on me since I'm closer to my grandparents than my parents. Note the time jump in this chapter- now it's December 7th-ish)
At the beginning of the second week after break, Prentiss took notes in her First Amendment constitutional law class, taking notes as rapidly as she could while struggling to stay awake. She'd seen Dr. Lake once more, and would also go in again in two more days. Between JJ doing her best to help her, and a fierce determination to stop cutting at all costs, she hadn't done so in a week. But the previous night, the feelings, the need to, were so strong, so constant that she couldn't sleep; instead, she had been up all night battling them. JJ had told her that she could miss her morning classes today on account of her not having any sleep; Prentiss's professors all liked her, and her attendance record was almost perfect. But Prentiss had refused, dragging herself off to this morning class. She couldn't let on to anyone except her friends and her doctor that anything was wrong. And sometimes she even wondered if it was a wise decision to tell the people that she had.
Finals were coming up; their school would let out just before Christmas and resume January 15th with a new semester. Prentiss saw a glimmer of hope for the next semester; she was moving out of the dorms. The subleaser with whom Garcia was sharing her two-bedroom apartment was going to leave to study abroad in England, and so Garcia had asked Prentiss to live with her. It took a lot of persuading and Garcia-persistence to make the campus life office break JJ's housing contract for the dorm in the middle of the school year, but they had managed it. Soon, Prentiss would no longer be bullied in the one place, her room, her building, that she was supposed to be able to call home.
The dark-haired girl must have drifted off sitting up. The next thing she knew, her professor was making his closing remarks about the cases they had covered that day. She needed to ask about the last test before the final exam in this class, and also find a way to surreptitiously get him to talk about what was covered today without letting on that she had fallen asleep. Knowing that the professor, Dr. Bigel's, office hours began directly after this class ended, she followed him up to his small office crammed with books and legal case files, saying she had questions.
He answered her questions about the test, then she asked "Could you just recap what you covered today, because…?"
Dr. Bigel cut her off. "You fell asleep. I know. You're normally attentive in my class, so I'll let it go. Everyone gets tired sometimes." He shifted his tall, creaking body in his desk chair and cleared his throat awkwardly. "I'm not mad at you for sleeping. You look like you pulled an all-nighter last night. Are…things, life going all right for you? The past month or two, you've looked more tired in class, and you don't volunteer answers or come discuss cases with me anywhere near as often as you did at the start of the semester. Don't worry about your grade- you're still getting an A, but…"
Prentiss couldn't stop her face flaming from shame and embarrassment. Someone could tell that she wasn't all right. She wasn't as good at hiding her pain as she thought. As if to spare her scrutiny, the professor was now picking a piece of lint off of his five-hundred-dollar tailored suit from New York City. Prentiss liked that he always dressed so well, like he was walking into a courtroom every day. Absently, she saw he was wearing blue today. Navy suit, blue cufflinks, blue silk handkerchief in his pockets. Everything always matched, and he was always together, unlike herself. Think, Emily, she said to herself. You'll be wanting him to write you law school recommendations. He won't recommend if he finds out you're nuts.
"I appreciate your concern, Dr. B. But nothing's wrong. I just feel a little down sometimes." That was the most she'd let herself admit.
He could tell that there was more to this than what she was telling him, but decided to let the matter rest. "All right. But, Emily, if you need me to give you more time on an assignment, or let you take a test another time because, er…you're not doing well, that's fine. And you can talk to me, if you like."
"I don't need any special treatment. I'm fine," Prentiss said coldly, then immediately regretted how she sounded. "Thank you, though," she said more softly.
"I'll be showing a movie on Wednesday in class, and Friday is just reviewing what we've done already. Look, if you're too tired, stay home and sleep in. I won't mark you down. Now, on to what we did today…"
Prentiss took his offer, sleeping in on Wednesday and Friday. But, that week, after almost ten days of not cutting, she gave in again. Immediately after, she'd gone to JJ, crying in frustration at her inability to be strong. JJ assured her that she could stop, could get better, someday, but there were days when "someday" seemed very far off indeed.
On Saturday morning, Prentiss's phone rang while she was still asleep. She reached groggily out from under the blankets, hopelessly tangling herself and falling out of bed as she grabbed it. "Mflrg…Penelope, you woke me up…" she said upon seeing the caller ID.
Garcia sounded even more perky/hyper than usual; that attitude was unthinkable for Prentiss right after waking up. "Sorry, sweetie!" she said rapidly. "It's just that I was thinking of having our whole little group go Christmas shopping today before all the good stuff is gone! If you want to come, I'll pick you up in two hours, that should be enough time to wake yourself up and have breakfast. Spencer is being picked up too, and Derek and Aaron will meet us at the mall. Ask JJ if she can come! Ciao!"
At the appointed time, JJ and Prentiss crammed into the back seat of Garcia's car, a lime green VW bug. Reid was already in the front. "Um, excuse me for asking, but I don't believe the total volume of this car can hold all of us, plus all of our purchases, on the way back?" he said playfully. "Especially if you go on a shopping binge like you usually do."
"Don't worry about it! It'll work just like one of those clown-car things!" Garcia countered. "By the way, Spencer, you are not spending Christmas just helping your mom! I'm going to hang out with you and there will be a tree and food and presents and the whole…everything! That goes for you, too, Emily!" By now, Garcia knew that Reid's mother was mentally ill somehow, and that he had to do a lot of things to help her. And of course, Prentiss being disowned had already been hashed out by everyone- they'd ripped her mother up one side and down the other, Prentiss thought with a small smile.
They met Hotchner and Morgan at Starbucks, drinking strong, over-roasted coffee and blinking themselves fully awake. "What do you guys think of us having our own Christmas? All of us," Garcia asked. "Spencer and I were going to spend it together anyway, and the rest of you could, if you're spending it somewhere else, drive back here on the 26th or something for the day." It took a little time to discuss the details, but they all soon agreed on that plan. "Now, let the shopping commence!" Garcia announced. "Since we might be buying for each other, let's split up and text each other when we're done."
JJ left Prentiss's side for once, jokingly rebuking her when she tried to follow, so Prentiss slipped into the bookstore, where she bought Reid a few of the most difficult intellectual books she could find- philosophy and some classic literature- and an MC Escher poster. His apartment looked a little bare, she thought. She pawed through the CD racks afterwards, unaware that, a few stores down, JJ was making a certain, very meaningful purchase.
"These will be fine…I'm just looking for two plain gold bands, I don't have very much money. Those look nice- could they easily have stones set in them later?" JJ asked. The jeweler nodded.
"That's great. Do you know where I might send them to be engraved?"
He recommended a place, and she took the rings. They were plain, yes. But on Prentiss, even basic jewelry was beautiful.
After they had all regrouped and gone home, Prentiss finally decided to go back to church for the Saturday evening service; yes, she had talked to the pastor that one day she had just ended up there, but she hadn't had the courage to attend a service. She always felt guilty, like everyone was looking at her, knew what she had done. But those feelings were much less pronounced this time, and the pastor and all of the people she knew welcomed her right back. Prentiss thought maybe there is something to the prodigal son story. And God can love me anyway. I'll try.
Later that night, while in JJ's room watching a movie, she and Prentiss started to kiss and run their hands over each other in the half-light from the TV. JJ really hoped that by now, the dark-haired girl could trust her enough, see that she'd understand, to maybe remove some of that clothing that artfully concealed her scars. Even taking off her sweater would be enough. As the heat built between them, JJ found it more difficult to hold herself back, to let Prentiss take all the initiative so that she wouldn't feel pushed or forced into a position where JJ would see her scars. The blond fumbled with Prentiss's top; at first, when she tried to tug it off, Prentiss seemed eager, not resisting. But suddenly, she mumbled, "JJ, stop…I can't…not yet. I love you, but…"
And then she was crying. JJ hastily backed off. "It's okay, sweetheart. We'll go as slow as you want. I'm sorry, I really am. I just lost control of myself for a second…I forgot…"
"I should be able to show you I love you!" Prentiss burst out. "But I can't even get past kissing! How is that being a good girlfriend? You've done so much for me and I can't even give you this…intimacy, this love!"
"I'll wait as long as you want. I'm never going to push you," JJ said patiently. "And if it's the scars you're worried about, you know I don't give a damn, right? But I can wait forever if you need me to. You…I never want anyone else. You're beautiful."
Prentiss protested, saying that, especially scarred, she was ugly, but JJ wouldn't budge, refusing to drop the subject until Prentiss said slowly, hesitantly, "I am beautiful."
(A/N: You'll have to wait to see about the rings! Next chapter is a Criminal Minds Christmas! Sorry for the big time jumps, but I'm trying to finish this story before I go to Germany for a month, so I can't cover every day of their lives.)