The Doctor sat inside the TARDIS with his feet up on the console and an unfinished Rubik's Cube in his hands.
"Stupid thing." He muttered as his three-thousandth-and-seventy-fourth attempt to solve the puzzle box failed. At this point his three new companions entered the console room.
Sophie Bannerman; a blonde girl who was so stereotypically cockney her blood was properly made from fried eggs. Mark Gusta; an accountant who always wore his trademark bottle green suit and had an odd tendency to break the fourth wall. And finally there was Mary Sue who, despite being merely fourteen years old, was a master at engineering, medicine, chemistry, general science-y stuff, linguistics and she had already slept with like a dozen super-hot guys because she was just that impossibly beautiful with her slim figure, deep black hair and purple eyes.
"Cor blimey Doc-tah" said Sophie, "Are you 'aving a bleeding laff? You still ain't solved that blimming cube?"
"Human puzzles are rubbish anyway." The Doctor said as he got to his feet and shoved the Rubik's Cube into the inside pocket of his tweed jacket. "Sontaran puzzles are much better! Of course most of them involve electrocution. Or decapitation."
"He's really not as clever as he likes to think he is is he?" Mark said as he glanced at the reader.
"I can solve a Rubik's Cube in ten seconds flat." Mary Sue said. "Eight if I'm lucky. Which I always am. Because I'm fricking awesome."
"So where do you want to go this time my faithful companions?" The Doctor asked as he whizzed around the console with his usual vigour. "The Third Great and Powerful Roman Empire? The Battle of Custard Creek in 4156? The signing of the Declaration of Independence? Bowling?"
"Bowling sounds good." Mark said.
"Cor blimey I ain't ben bowling in blimming years!" Sophie exclaimed.
"I actually hold the world record for Universe's Most Awesome and Beautiful Bowler." Said Mary Sue. "True story."
"Bowling it is then team!" The Doctor said as he began typing on the TARDIS's typewriter. "Y'know I once went bowling with Amy, Captain Jack and River. Long story short; we all ended up doing something we came to regret. Except Jack. I actually think he was rather proud of it."
Suddenly, the TARDIS's phone began to ring. The Doctor quickly answered it, "Hello?"
"Hello, Doctor. This is Sherlock Holmes."
"Sherlock? Look, I swear your daughter told me she was eighteen. I swear!"
"What? I don't have a daughter!"
"Oh. That hasn't happened to you yet has it? Forget I said anything."
"Wait, what was that about her age…"
"Nothing! Nothing at all! So why are you calling?"
"Something was happened. I need you to come here now."
"What? Sherlock, what's happened?"
"I can't tell you over the phone."
"Why? Because someone might be listening in on this conversation?"
"No, because it's much more dramatic if I make you rush here and then tell you in person!"
"I'm on my way!"
The Doctor slammed the phone down on the receiver and began inputting coordinates on the TARDIS console.
"Can't we go bowling first?" Mark asked.
"There's no time for that!" The Doctor shouted as the TARDIS began her trademark grinding noise.
"But you have a time machine….."
"Didn't you hear Sherlock?"
"Well, no because he was on the other end of the phone."
"He said we have to make this dramatic! And dramatic we shall make it! That's why I'm shouting so much right now!"
"So we're throwing logic out of the window in favour of drama?" Mark gave a quick aside glance to the audience as he said this.
"Exactly!"
"Gotcha."
"I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS CONVERSATION!" Mary Sue yelled.
The TARDIS landed.
"London, 2011." The Doctor stated.
"This is just like going 'ome for me this is!" Sophie said.
"Me too." Said Mark.
"Not me." Mary Sue stated. "I'm from Mars. You see my mother was from there which makes me part-Martian."
The Doctor shuddered and tried to wipe the image of Human-Ice Warrior sex from his mind.
"Isn't it weird how most of my companions are from twenty-first century London?" He said in an attempt to change the subject onto something that wouldn't require a surplus dosage of brain bleach.
"I blame Russell T Davies." Mark said.
"Who?"
"Oh, ah…..nevermind."
The TARDIS crew left their ship (which had decided to park herself several streets away from Sherlock's house because she believed that the Doctor was in dire need of some exercise) and began walking through the quiet early morning streets.
Unexpectedly, some random, middle-aged, balding bloke wearing a white t-shirt stepped in front of the gang.
"Here. Take this." He said as he held out a mouldy cheese sandwich with a big bite took out of it.
"No thanks I'm fine." The Doctor said in a friendly tone. "Although if you have any fish finger and custard sandwiches…."
"Take it." The man said as he shoved the sandwich into the Doctor's hand. "When the time comes, you will know to use this."
The TARDIS crew were suddenly distracted by a cat knocking over a dustbin behind them. They all turned around to look at the source of the noise and quickly looked back to the man.
He wasn't there.
"He….he just disappeared!" The Doctor said in amazement.
"Um, Doctor?" Mark said, "He's right over there." Mark pointed at a nearby bus stop where the mysterious man was getting on the bus.
"Oh. That's not as mysterious as I thought it was. I think I'll keep the sandwich though."
"Why?" asked Mark. "Because it might help you resolve a plot point later?"
"No, because I often get hungry during my adventures. And what's a 'plot point'? Is it a kind of pen?"
"Nevermind." Mark had long come to accept that no one else could see through the fourth wall like he could.
They eventually reached Sherlock's house.
"Good to see you again Doctor." Said Sherlock as he answered the door.
"Likewise Sherlock." The Doctor said as he adjusted his bowtie.
"Did you come as soon as you got my call?"
"I doubt your calls make him THAT excited!" Mark said as he laughed at his own double entendre. No one else laughed. Including the reader because it was that bad of a joke and the author should feel ashamed for putting it in.
"I'm afraid we didn't." The Doctor said. "We had to stop a giant chiwawa from humping the moon into submission first."
"What?" Sherlock said in anger. "We had to make this as dramatic as possible Doctor! You know that!"
"Gotcha!"
"Oh. That was a joke wasn't it?"
"Of course it was! There's no such thing as giant chiwawas! Giant shit-tzus on the other hand…."
"I once killed a giant shit-tzu with my bare hands." Mary Sue said. "True story."
"So what's the emergency?" The Doctor asked as Sherlock led them upstairs.
"Three of your former companions have gone missing." Sherlock gestured at them to take a seat. "All within the past week. It's weird how so many of your companions are from London isn't it?"
"I was just saying that earlier!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Mark here blames Russell T Davies. Whoever that is."
"Anyway, Rose Tyler, Sarah Jane Smith and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart have all disappeared from their homes."
"I didn't know you had a companion named 'Anyway'." Mark laughed as he cracked another of the author's awful jokes.
"Are there any leads on who did this?" The Doctor asked as he tried to hide his concern for his former companions.
"There is this cryptic clue." Sherlock said as he handed a piece of paper to the Doctor. "But even my highly detective-y brain can't make heads or tails of it."
The Doctor read the note:
LOL WE KIDNAPPED YOUR COMPANIONS AND TOOK THEM TO THREE DIFFERENT TIME ZONES. WE DARE YOU TO FIND THEM IF YOU CAN!
TROLOLOLOLOLOL U MAD DOC?
SIGNED,
L.A.B.I.A.
The Doctor suppressed the urge to laugh at the organisation's unfortunate name.
"I have no idea what it means." Sherlock said with a sigh. "It's just so cryptic and confusing!"
The Doctor suppressed another urge. This one was telling him to call his dear friend an idiot.
"It says they've taken my companions to three different time zones."
"Dear Lord!" exclaimed Sherlock. "How did you work that out? Was it your Time Lord brain?"
"Er, yeah, sure. It was my Time Lord brain."
"I could have worked out that clue much quicker than that." Mary Sue said to no one in particular.
"Cor blimey Doc-tah!" said Sophie. "That could be a trap that could!"
"Who are you? Admiral Ackbar?" Mark scoffed.
"Of course it's a trap." The Doctor said. "And we're going to spring it! I should be able to track them down using the TARDIS's DNA databanks and these." He pulled a woolly hat, a lipstick and a moustache comb from his inside pocket.
"Wait." Said Mark. "You just so happen to still have things that belonged to Rose, Sarah Jane and the Brigadier and you just so happen to be carrying those around with you at this very moment?"
"Yes."
"Isn't that a bit too convenient?"
"I guess so."
Mark gave a quick aside glance at the reader, "Alright fine. I'll just go with it."
"We'll be on our way then." Said the Doctor. "Goodbye Sherlock." After his three companions had left the house, the Doctor picked up a hat from Sherlock's coffee table and gave a mock salute to his friend before leaving.
"'ere Doc-tah." Said Sophie as she and the other two companions noticed the Doctor's new headgear. "Wot's that you got on your 'ead?"
The Doctor adjusted his new hat, gave a smug grin and answered the question: "It's a deerstalker. I wear a deerstalker now. Deerstalkers are cool."
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"…..
A trip to the Middle Ages!
Witches! Witches everywhere!
The Doctor loses a companion!
But he gains a new one!
A Sontaran with an unusual name!
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"