Oh my God, JJ thought as she carefully placed the simple gold band in a small black jewelry box she'd gotten for the occasion. I think I'm going to hurl. I'm so nervous. What if she thinks I'm being too clingy and says no? It was the evening of the last day of the year, and she was getting ready for a New Year's party at Garcia's. She hoped what she was planning tonight would help bridge the gap that had come up between her and Prentiss. They had argued a few days ago.
It had been the 28th, and Prentiss had slipped on ice while they were walking together, spilling the contents of her bag. JJ had courteously begun to help her pick up what had fallen, though Prentiss insisted she could get it herself. The blonde figured out why once she saw the blades littering the snowy ground, and couldn't stop herself from speaking when she handed them back.
"I can't believe I'm letting you have these again. I'd really hoped they would be gone by now," JJ said. The words came out more sharply than she intended.
"I'm sorry, JJ. But-" Prentiss countered, her voice rising, "did you really think that all it would take for me to stop was us- having sex? And me crying a little? This is complicated!"
"They just took your stitches from last time out yesterday! I love you, I want to help. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"It does! Don't play that card now! You think love can solve everything, but it can't!" Prentiss spat back.
There was a silence. Their combined breath crystallized in the cold air. "You're right," the blonde admitted. "But I thought it might help. I want to be there for you and help you get through this. You won't let me in, so what am I supposed to do?"
"I'm trying! Sorry if it isn't going fast enough for you!" the dark-haired girl half-shouted.
"I know it'll take a long time for you to get better. So excuse me for wanting to speed the process up and stop you from suffering! Do you even want to stop?" JJ argued back.
"Obviously! Do you think I want to live like this? You don't know how hard it is- stopping, giving this up! You have no idea, you can't even imagine…" All JJ could see of her now was her back as she half-ran off towards the apartment she'd just begun sharing with Garcia.
They didn't talk for two days, and on the 30th, Prentiss seemed clipped, cold in response to the apology JJ had texted her. But at least they were talking. For JJ, Prentiss seemed a necessary element for life now, like air, like water, like coffee. She couldn't bear to stay away.
They hadn't seen each other since that day, hence JJ's nervousness as she knocked at the apartment door for the New Year's party Garcia was hosting.
Prentiss answered. "JJ, come in." They studied each other; Prentiss no longer seemed angry, more sad than anything.
"I'm…" she began. "I know you meant well when we…argued. You're just going to have to be patient with me. I'm sorry I shouted. You just want to help."
JJ nodded. "I want to help, but sometimes I feel like you're not asking for it or letting me when I could. You can get me to help you, all right?"
"Just don't push me. You know I'm independent and don't let people close very much."
The blonde swallowed hard. "I'll…find a balance."
"JJ, maybe you could…do you want to go with me sometime when I go see Dr. Lake? She might be able to talk to you, tell you how to help me," Prentiss said hesitantly.
JJ nodded. "If you're offering, I will. I don't want to infringe, but I want to help you figure things out. Now please, Emily, can I have a hug? I've missed being with you, even if only for a couple of days."
"Okay." They hugged for a long moment; Prentiss was still slightly annoyed, but had to admit she enjoyed the smell of JJ's hair, a flowery, light scent so good as to be intoxicating.
The coldness between them was fully thawed in the next few hours as the party began. They counted down the hours until midnight, and the longer the party went on, the fuller the apartment got. Garcia always threw amazing parties; the flow of champagne and hors d'ouerves was never-ending. At 11:30, JJ broke away from Prentiss and the crowd, pulling Reid aside into Garcia's room.
"What's going on, JJ?" he asked.
"I'm going to propose, no, that's not the right word. I'm going to ask Prentiss to make me a promise." She pulled the rings out of her jacket she'd flung onto a chair. "I got these when we all split up and went Christmas shopping. They're just plain gold. If we get engaged, even married, we can upgrade them as we go."
"So it's a promise ring," Reid concluded. "You want a future together."
"I want to show her that I'm committed to her. Through everything. She seems to think I'm going to leave her because of what she's dealing with, or that I'll wake up and realize she's a terrible person and I can do much better. Reid, she's never really been loved. Had someone who'll always stand by her, I mean. I want to be that person."
The young man looked at JJ seriously. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure you want to…marry her eventually? Be together, have a real commitment? Because the way you're talking about this, this promise, if she says yes, is the first step towards marriage. You can't go breaking that off, or leave her hanging and never go any further than this. Do you see her at your wedding, across the altar from you? If the answer is no, don't do this."
"I know this is serious," JJ said. "But I do…I see her there at that altar. She means so much to me. I promise you, I'm not messing her around."
A short while later, one minute to midnight, Garcia announced, "All right, everyone find the person they're going to kiss to ring in the new year!" Prentiss's arm was around JJ's.
"Got her right here!" she called back. "Who will you kiss? Morgan?"
"5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year!" the partygoers chanted. JJ looked into Prentiss's eyes and gave her a deep, passionate kiss, the likes of which they'd never shared before. It drew looks and wolf-whistles from the rest of the crowded room.
JJ's insides were shaking Jell-O. "Sit down, Emily, and I'll get us one more drink and be right back." Her hands were twitching so badly that Hotchner had to carry the champagne glasses back to them and set them on the coffee table. She surreptitiously gathered Reid and their other friends around them and cuddled up next to Prentiss on the couch.
"I-I, Emily, I have to ask you a question."
"Sure, go ahead…what's going on?"
JJ reached into her pocket for the small black ring box. There were gasps from their friends, and Prentiss just looked stunned. "I want to ask you to make me a promise. A commitment to me. To us. I'm not asking you to marry me or get engaged, at least not…but promise." Prentiss looked like she was going to cry, then began, but smiled through her tears, and mumbled something JJ didn't catch, so she continued. "This is also to show you I'm willing to stick with you no matter what happens, make that real. I know we haven't been together long, and-"
Prentiss interrupted. "JJ, I already said yes!"
The blonde threw her arms around her. "That's great! And it's the new year. This is a whole new time for us. Start new with me. Love me."
Prentiss nodded. "Why are you crying?" JJ asked.
"I'm just so happy," she sniffled. "Normally, I'm crying because I'm sad, but this is totally different."
After finally kicking the guests out and starting to clean up, JJ stayed over at the apartment last night; she and Prentiss made love, then finally fell asleep together in the early hours of the morning.
Prentiss woke up in the early afternoon of the cold bright New Year's Day while the blonde was still asleep. She thought of the ideas she'd had, the plan she'd made. Now, this instant, was the time to carry it out, before she lost her nerve. Now, with JJ, just after their promise and on one of the best days of her life, was her chance. The blades might not have a weaker hold on her anytime soon than right now. She woke up JJ. "Get up, get dressed, please, come with me. I need you for something."
They dressed quickly and wordlessly, Prentiss slipping a few small matchbox-sized cardboard and plastic containers in her jacket pocket. JJ began to realize what she was planning to do.
"Is that…is that all of them?" she asked. Prentiss nodded.
"Are you sure? Every one of them?"
She nodded again. "I'm scared."
"That's okay," JJ said. "But I'm with you. Here. I know this is hard."
They walked silently, hand-in-hand, the several blocks down to the river. Its very edges were frozen, but the current was too fast and the weather still not cold enough to freeze it. The snow and sun created a bright, silent world. They were alone in the streets; the whole city felt like their own private playground.
Making their way to the bridge, a small pedestrian-only one about 30 feet up over the water, JJ and Prentiss climbed over snowbanks and through fresh powder until they reached the middle or it. The dark-haired girl put an arm out over the railing, holding one tiny box, yet one that held so much pain, in her closed fist.
"I'm not sure," she said slowly. "I've counted on these-" she struggled to say the word, "-blades for so long. They've given me so much pain, but it's what I know. How I've lived and coped and survived. It's…security. Something that would stand by me. It's a relationship, in a way."
"Emily," JJ put a hand on her partner's shoulder and stroked her hair out of her face. "You can count on me now. I'm standing with you. I'm your security, and you can count on me, a living, breathing, loving person, better than you can a sharp piece of metal. That relationship, it could destroy you. But if you're with me, we can create something amazing. And it's New Year's Day. Can you imagine making 2011 a totally different, better year?"
"I know!" Prentiss suddenly cried out. "But I can't do this, I just can't!"
"You're choosing them? That's what you're going to let truly have your heart, no matter how long we stay together?"
"I don't want them!" she shouted.
"Then go with your plan. Get rid of them. I'll help you, I said I'd always help you with anything!" JJ said forcefully.
"You don't think I couldn't just go buy more? Improvise with a paperclip or notebook wire or CD case if that was all there was?" Prentiss asked. She started crying.
JJ hugged her tightly, placing her hand over Prentiss's fist where the blades were, holding her. Prentiss buried her face in the blonde's shoulder; she felt her shaking.
"I know that," JJ said. "You can get more…things anywhere, use anything. You might get more tomorrow or the next day, but for now, this instant, you'd be rid of them. You'd be free. Don't you want that?"