"Bye Rose!" the Doctor shouted out of the TARDIS's door before he closed it. He dashed over to the console with his usual youthful energy and placed the moustache comb on the DNA scanner.
The Time Lord reached inside one of his pockets and produced a tricorn hat.
"I snatched it off the Witchfinder General just before we ran to the barn." He explained to his companions as he placed his new headgear atop his head. "It's a tricorn hat. I wear a tricorn hat now. Tricorn hats are cool."
"Now for the Brigadier." He said as he adjusted various knobs and dials on the console. "Military man. But don't that that fool you, he's one of the best friends I've ever had."
"We're not going to end up somewhere dangerous again are we?" Mark asked.
"Of course not! When do I ever go somewhere dangerous?"
Mark gave a quick aside glance to the reader and raised an eyebrow.
Clucky made a few sounds.
"Admiring my frankly fantastic time machine are you, Clucky?" The Doctor said with a smug grin. "Any passing remarks? I've heard them all."
Clucky made some more sounds.
"Yes, yes, it is…." The Doctor's smug grin disappeared and was replaced by a look of slight confusion. "Smaller on the outside? Well, I suppose it is…..I've never thought of it that way before."
The TARDIS shook for a few seconds as she got a lock on the Brigadier's DNA until she landed.
After a few moments (during which Sophie and Mark made a silent bet with each other that there would be something dangerous outside) the TARDIS crew stepped through the blue box's doors.
To find themselves in Hitler's office.
"Oh, not again." The Doctor muttered.
"Cor blimey Doc-tah!" Sophie exclaimed. "That's Hitler that is!"
Clucky made a few noises.
"Clucky!" The Doctor said. "Stop being so snarky!"
The evil dictator was still sitting at his desk, glaring at the intruders. The large window behind him offered a magnificent view of a city on the edge of war.
"You!" Hitler yelled as he pointed at the Doctor, "You're that bastard who locked me in the cupboard last week!"
Mark chuckled. "Yeah, that was a great episode!"
"An episode of what, young man?"
"Um, er, an episode of the Doctor's life? Yeah that's it!"
"Enough of this nonsense talk!" Hitler yelled as he stood up. "I shall have my revenge on you, bowtie man! I have been planning it for ages!"
"But you said I only locked you in the cupboard last week…."
"Silence!"
"Okay then."
Hitler produced a revolver from his desk drawer.
"I could just shoot you all now. But instead I think I shall say an impressive sounding one-liner before I do so. Hmmm, what shall I say? Hasta la vista? No. Shalom? Certainly not. Hmmm…."
Deciding to take advantage of this situation, the Doctor produced the Rubik's Cube from the inside pocket of his tweed jacket while Hitler was distracted. The Time Lord then threw the puzzle box and hit the German dictator right in the eye with one of the pointy corners.
Hitler yelped in pain, dropped his revolver on the floor and fell straight through the window behind him. Glass shattered everywhere. The TARDIS crew dashed behind the desk and looked down onto the street below.
"I may have just doomed the human race." The Doctor said gravely. "With Hitler dead, a much more competent leader could front the Nazi war effort, millions more would die and – oh, wait, oh it's fine."
The Doctor was relieved to see that the dictator had fallen into an open-top truck that was carrying fresh manure. He would certainly need a bath (or several baths) but the timeline would still be preserved.
"Curse you bowtie man!" Hitler yelled as he desperately tried to climb out of the thick pool of manure.
"I wouldn't open my mouth too much if I were you!" Mark shouted down at the dictator.
"Just you wait until I get back up there!" Hitler started to rant and rave some more but it became increasingly difficult to hear him as the manure truck began to drive away down the street; taking the dictator with it.
"Several baths and a long, humiliating walk then." The Doctor muttered to himself.
The Doctor noticed that the Rubik's Cube was lying on the floor atop the broken glass. He pocketed it again. Sophie picked up Hitler's revolver and inspected it.
"Wot?" She said as the Doctor and Mark gave her funny looks. "Could become 'andy later on is all. I'm well good will guns I am. Dad always took me down the shooting range very Sunday he did."
"How convenient." Mark mumbled to himself as he rolled his eyes.
Two Nazi soldiers and a Nazi officer suddenly entered the room. Before them they saw a large blue box, a young man wearing a bowtie, a tweed jacket and a tricorn hat, another young man wearing a bottle green suit, a blonde girl handling a revolver, a white chicken stood on the desk, a smashed window and no sign of the Fuhrer. It was the most ridiculous scene any of them had ever seen.
"What was all the commotion in here?" The Nazi officer asked. "And where is our glorious leader?"
"He's, ah, taking a swim." The Doctor said.
"Who are you?" The officer demanded.
"Me and this gorgeous chuck of man beef are a gay couple." The Doctor put his arm around Mark. "As for her?" He gestured towards Sophie. "Her mother was a gypsy and her father was a Jew. And as for the chicken? Bestiality."
The Nazi officer had a look of absolute fury on his face. "Execute them!" He bellowed to the two soldiers behind him.
The TARDIS crew quickly dashed inside the blue box and slammed the doors shut behind them just as they heard gunfire.
"Was it really necessary to anger them like that?" Mark asked the Doctor.
"Of course it wasn't necessary." The Doctor replied. "I just did it to see the looks on their faces. Priceless! Besides, I did the maths and knew that we would get to safety in time."
"Where did you even get the idea to do that?"
"From an old friend. She was a wild one!"
The TARDIS began to make her trademark grinding noises as she took off.
"Now, let's find the Brigadier."
Meanwhile in a warehouse across the city…
Rassilon leaned back in his chair and looked across his new dominion. It was an abandoned warehouse. His troops had arranged a load of storage boxes into neat lines leading from Rassilon's perch on an elevated platform at the back of the room all the way to the doors. The old man was tied up in a back room with Little Runt the Judoon mercenary guarding him.
"Captain Rassilon." Rassilon's right-hand man, Lieutenant Heimlich, said as he approached the raised platform. "May I ask you a question?"
Rassilon had infiltrated the German army and posed as a captain. He was currently in charge of a small squad of six men.
"Well, sir," Lieutenant Heimlich continued, "I was just wondering; do we really need the neon sign on the roof advertising our whereabouts?"
Rassilon adjusted the cap of his Nazi uniform, put down the sandwich he was about to eat and spoke: "Lieutenant; in a game of poker you must always let your opponent see your cards."
"Right. It's just that me and the rest of the squad…."
"The squad of what?"
Lieutenant Heimlich gave a weary sigh. "The Squad of Rassilon, sir."
"Well done."
"We were just wondering if this warehouse….."
"The warehouse of what?"
Lieutenant Heimlich gave another weary sigh. "The Warehouse of Rassilon, sir."
"We were just wondering if it is truly safe, sir."
"No need to worry, Heimlich. If the worst comes to worse, we always have that Little Runt."
The Lieutenant and the other five soldiers gasped.
"What?" said Rassilon. "I said 'Runt'. With an R!"
The soldiers breathed sighs of relief.
Rassilon's phone beeped. The Time Lord checked it and saw that he had a text message from The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude:
Got time scoop from supplier today itz gonna b /)^3^(\ SO AWESOME!
PS got yourre lolcats image. LMAO!
Rassilon hoped The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude knew how to use a Time Scoop. That was a dangerous piece of technology in the wrong hands and The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude didn't seem too bright. We was nowhere near as clever as the almighty Rassilon.
It was at this point that Rassilon accidently ate his phone instead of his sandwich without even noticing.
Suddenly, the Doctor and his companions entered the warehouse through the large doors at the other end of the large room.
"Impossible!" Rassilon yelled. "How did you find us?"
"The giant neon sign on the roof was a bit of a giveaway." The Doctor replied.
"Curses! I knew the Giant Neon Sign of Rassilon was a bad idea!" He directed his men. "Why did none of you idiots warn me about this?"
A weary sigh was just barely audible in the large room.
"No matter!" Rassilon continued. "I shall now kill you and your companions, Doctor! You shall feel the Wrath of Rassilon when I use the Staff of Rassilon to turn you all into Statues of Rassilon! And the Squad of Rassilon shall help me! The Warehouse of Rassilon shall be your Tomb of Rassilon!"
The Doctor and his companions quickly took cover behind the nearest storage boxes.
"Here's the plan." The Doctor said as the gunfire began. "Sophie, distract the soldiers and Rassilon. If I can get close enough to Rassilon I should be able to do something very clever to that staff…."
"The Staff of Rassilon!" Rassilon shouted and interrupted him.
"To the Staff of Rassilon." The Doctor grimaced as he finished. "Mark, Clucky, go outside and find a different way in. I need you two to rescue the Brigadier."
"There won't be anything dangerous in the back rooms will there?" Mark asked.
"Nah, it should be safe."
A few minutes later….
"Ow! This isn't safe at all!" Mark said in a slightly whiny voice just after the Judoon mercenary threw him straight through a brick wall.
"Huh. How did I survive being thrown through a brick wall?" Mark wondered aloud. "What am I made of iron or something?"
The helmeted Judoon stood through the Mark-shaped hole in the wall. The brute towered over him. Mark could still hear gunfire coming from the main room of the warehouse.
"Clucky!" Mark yelled to his poultry comrade who was still out in the corridor, "Find the Brigadier!"
The chicken ran off down the corridor to search the various corridors and back rooms of the warehouse for the Doctor's old friend.
The Judoon stomped over to Mark and picked him up by the throat with one hand.
"You shall die by the hands of Little Runt!" The Judoon said.
"Wait, what did you just call yourself?"
"I said 'Runt'. With an R!"
"Oh, right. Cus I sounded like you said…."
"Silence puny Earthling!"
"Oh did you really have to call me that? I think my cliché detector just exploded."
Little Runt chuckled. "Hey that's sort of like what Madame Kovarian said earlier!"
Mark used the distraction to kick the brute in the chest and free himself. He quickly grabbed a frying pan from a nearby storage box and hid it behind his back before the Judoon could regain his composure.
Little Runt removed his helmet for no real reason and revealed his grotesque rhino-like face.
"You're one ugly motherfu…" Mark stopped himself when he realised that he probably wasn't allowed to say that word in a T-rated fic.
"Prepare for a surprise assault!" Little Runt shouted as he began to slowly walk forwards.
Mark suddenly got an idea, "Hey look it's an ivory hunter!"
The Judoon gasped and turned around; "Where?"
Mark wacked the brute across the back of the head with the frying pan. He turned around slowly and looked very angry.
"Oh." Said Mark. "Usually, in comedies, when someone gets hit over the head with a frying pan it knocks them out. Damn it!"
The Judoon picked him up by the throat again.
"Not good. Not good at all."
"I will break you puny Earthling! And then the Time Lord!"
"You can't kill me. I'm a main character. Something will come along to save me just in time!"
Little Runt's eyes rolled up into his skull and he collapsed. Mark fell to the floor and looked up. There, standing in the Mark-shaped hole in the wall, was Clucky and an old man holding a cane and wearing a flat cap.
"Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart." The old man walked toward and introduced himself. "A pleasure to meet you old chap." He said as he helped Mark off the floor.
"Thanks." Mark said as he rubbed his throat. "How did you kill it?"
"Well, after your feathered friend here saved me from my confinement, we rushed here as soon as we could and then I shot this ruffian with my gun-cane. They didn't think to take it off me when I was captured."
"Thanks old timer. Little Runt here almost killed me."
The Brigadier gasped and Clucky made a few clucking sounds which oddly sounded like shock or outrage.
"I don't care if you almost died!" The Brigadier said. "There's no need for language like that, young man!"
"What?" Mark protested. "I said 'Runt'. With an R!"
Meanwhile…
The Doctor ran from cover to cover as the firefight raged. Sophie had managed to kill one of the Nazis with her stolen revolver so there were five of them left. He was around half-way to Rassilon's raised platform when one of the soldiers spotted the Doctor. The Doctor quickly used his sonic screwdriver and jammed his gun. He was quickly gunned down by Sophie.
A few moments later, Rassilon spotted the Doctor and fired a ball of magical energy at him from the Staff of Rassilon. Fortunately, Rassilon missed and hit one of his own men instead. The soldier turned into a stone statue.
"Whoopsie doopsie doodle!" Rassilon said.
"BLOODY NAZIS!" The Doctor heard Sophie shout at the top of her voice. He looked back at her and saw that she had managed to get her hands on one of the German machineguns. She was currently leaping through the air (in slow motion of course), firing the machinegun with one hand and the revolver with the other. She killed two more of them by doing this.
The Doctor was almost close enough to Rassilon to do his very clever thing when he was shot in the arm and fell to the floor in shock. He turned to see the last remaining soldier, Lieutenant Heimlich, with a pistol pointed in his direction. The Doctor turned back to see Sophie trying to reload her guns but failing due to panic.
The Doctor began to glow with a golden light….
"No, no, no!" The Doctor said in a mildly annoyed tone. "I'm not that hurt!"
The regenerative energy quickly disappeared after being told off.
"Kill him Lieutenant!" Rassilon shouted. "But make sure you say a cool one-liner before finishing him for God's sake."
Lieutenant Heimlich gave yet another weary sigh. "Yes Captain."
The Lieutenant's head suddenly exploded. The Brigadier, Mark and Clucky stood behind the now lifeless soldier. The Brigadier reloaded his gun-cane.
"Don't lose your head over it." The Brigadier said.
"Now THAT'S a cool one-liner!" Rassilon exclaimed. "See, Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Oh, right, you're dead. Sorry, I kinda forgot about that in all the excitement of THAT AWESOME LINE! You, sir, you are good."
The Doctor took advantage of this distraction and rose to his feet.
"Want to hear another one-liner?" The Doctor said as he pointed his sonic screwdriver at Rassilon. The elder Time Lord turned to face the younger one. "Do you know what it feels like to be taken for granite?"
The screwdriver activated and nothing happened. Then, after a few seconds, Rassilon began to slowly turn into stone.
"No! This cannot be! What's happening?"
"I reversed the polarity of your staff's…."
"The Staff of Rassilon!"
The Doctor sighed. "The Staff of Rassilon's power flow. Instead of turning your targets into stone it's turning you into stone."
"Thanks Doctor Obvious, I hadn't released I was slowly turning into stone!" Rassilon said sarcastically. Only his neck and head wasn't stone yet.
"Almost done," Rassilon said, "Must…..make…overly….dramatic….pose."
Rassilon managed to form a pose where he was on his knees, looking up into the sky with his arms stretched up in a grabbing gesture and his mouth in a shouting motion. Contend with this overly dramatic pose, the Time Lord stopped resisting and the stone hardened. He was trapped forever.
"Well, that's that then." The Doctor said.
"I see you've regenerated again Doctor." The Brigadier said. "I like your hat."
The Doctor looked unbelievably smug and adjusted his tricorn hat.
"It's a tricorn hat…."
At this point, a random seagull flew through one of the warehouse's windows, grabbed the Doctor's hat off his head and then flew straight back out the window with the hat in tow.
"OH COME ON!"
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….
A trip to the Nineties!
A crack-observer!
Davros becomes an Emperor!
The cheese sandwich makes its dramatic return!
The author continues to lose patience with Microsoft Word's wrong-like-ninety-percent-of-the-time grammar checker!
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"