A/N: Inspired by this picture:
marvelousavenger. tumblr .com/post/13249039524
Title is inspired by the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. The message of the song is also quite applicable.
youtube .com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c
If Howard ever really saw his son, he might have seen his own regrets. Maybe, he tells himself, that's why he let go and tried to be gone as often as possible. After all, if he never had any expectations to live up to, then he certainly couldn't disappoint his own son.
It started when he was frustrated. Well. Frustrated had lasted a long time. He hadn't found Captain Rogers still, and the chances were getting slimmer and slimmer. How hard should it have been to find a giant aircraft? He pounded a fist on his desk and pressed fingers to his temple. He hadn't really meant to get Maria pregnant. They'd talked about it. And Howard decided his work was too important and Maria liked her figure too much to really have children. But, of course, he wasn't thinking and she was drunk, and they had just returned home from a party and it seemed like a good idea at the time. They didn't find out until weeks later when the typical signs started showing—Maria vomiting in the mornings and strange cravings—that she was pregnant. And then the news somehow hit the papers—Howard never could find out who leaked—and by then it was too late to really do anything about it.
So they suffered through the pregnancy, and Howard couldn't help but hold his breath as his son was offered to his arms. Like the finest and most delicate of machinery, Howard cradled the boy to his chest, hardly daring to breathe. Looking at his wife, Maria was red-faced, exhausted, and sweaty. But she might have actually been the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
"We made this," he said in a hushed whisper.
Maria's laugh was soft and fond. "Come on now. Give us my son."
"He's my son when he's done something clever," Howard argued with a grin.
"Who says he won't take after his mother?" She challenged, gently cradling the infant to her chest.
"Oh he will. He'll be kind and generous. But he'll be smart like me, and look, he even has my hair."
"My hair as well, Howard."
"My eyes," he countered.
"Hush, you impossible man."
He grinned, but then there was a nurse at the door telling him he had a call from the office waiting. "I'll be back."
"Take your time," she said tiredly.
It ended up taking all of his time, as there were issues with the production of the new missiles, and he had to go in to oversee the specs himself. He was only able to return home the next day, by which Maria had already gotten home from the hospital and Jarvis was seeing to the diaper changes while Maria rested and fed in between naps and social calls.
Their friends cooed over the child. He still needed a name. "Anthony?" He suggested over dinner after a favourite uncle.
"Anthony Edward," Maria replied after a sip of wine. "That'll do."
He nodded and then signalled for a refill himself. Jarvis obliged and then returned to the kitchen. "I'll be in the office all day tomorrow; new targeting systems testing and all that."
"Of course. Well, I have Bridge with Betsy and Carol."
"Jarvis watching over the ki—Tony?"
"Yes. Haven't we hired a nanny? We should take a drive this weekend. Take the kid."
"Mm. When he's older we can take him to the ocean."
When he was older, they didtake him to the ocean, and Tony spent the whole time building castles in the sand that were structurally sound and resisted the waves. To a point. He showed one to Howard and he marvelled at how bright his son was, but then returned to the towel in the shade of the big umbrella to finish the newest bomb specs that the military needed from him. While he was trying to design a sub that could dive deeper into the ocean. They still hadn't found Captain Rogers, and now he was funding the expeditions himself. It irked Maria. But he couldn't disappoint Peggy. She was distant and colder now. They'd had lunch two weeks ago, and the haunted expression in her eyes was a little too much to bear. She'd come over and played nanny for Tony until he started playing with Captain America toys at age three. And then she stopped coming over. There was just too much. He couldn't help not wanting to disappoint her.
He vaguely recognised that he was ignoring his son. But he'd have plenty of time later on to take Tony out and work with him on projects. Maybe when things at the company weren't so hectic and he wasn't trying to earn extra money to fund the search expeditions. He already took a month out of his year to go himself and fine-tune the instruments and apparatuses. It had to be enough, right? If he could make enough money to fund the trips, keep the company at the head of the pack, and set enough for Tony's college fund, then it would all be just fine.
Tony was seven and brilliant. Even Howard could see it. He was already doing middle grade work in school, and they didn't know what to do with the kid. He was clearly a genius. That made him proud when he stopped to think about it. College would apparently come sooner than he thought. But still. He had plenty of time.
Tony entered high school at age eleven, having won every science fair he ever entered. He vaguely remembered the kid showing him something about a circuit board once when he was half-drunk after he'd just returned home from work.
More often than not, he found the kid passed out in his workshop, some project clutched in his little hands, face grubby and smeared with whatever it was he'd been working with. Waiting up for him. Howard sighed and lifted Tony, wincing as the metal clanged to the ground, listing from the weight. He really was too old to be picking up thirteen-year-olds. He glanced at the clock. And Tony really was too big to be falling asleep down in his workshop. He sighed and hiked the kid higher on his hips and then stumbled to his bedroom, dropping him gently onto the duvet. He stood, stretching his back, pausing to pull covers over his sleeping son. Face slack and gentled by sleep. He smiled. Eased himself down onto the edge of the bed, feeling every crick and ache in his bones. A little surprised, he looked at his progeny and realised he was getting old. Tony was thirteen, almost done with high school—really he should be finished, but Howard didn't want him going off to college so young. Maria had said it was a bad idea before the thought even registered in his mind. He sighed and pushed the hair off his son's forehead. Perhaps he'd go see what it was Tony had been working on. Lifting himself off the bed, he shuffled down to his workshop.
He couldn't make it to Tony's graduation. Emergency board meeting. He brow-beat them all through it, smiling, of course, but they knew he was less than pleased to be there. If he was truly honest with himself, however, he knew that it was a disappointment to Tony. Not that he'd been able to make many of the other milestones in his son's just-beginning life. He'd missed most of the science fairs and that one time that he'd decided he wanted to be in a play Howard had been out of the country. It was really just one more thing that he missed, and he didn't really know who his son was. If he ever asked Maria, he was afraid that she would be horrified, though he secretly thought that she had spent too much time with her charities and social functions to know herself. Jarvis was the only one who really knew their son, and Howard was grateful someone was. The company had only taken up more time as Tony got older, and he'd long given up on Captain Rogers. He never saw Peggy anymore. He couldn't take it. He had his success, someone to carry on the name, and a still-lovely wife. He shifted in his seat and his mind snapped back to the stupid debate over funding for some project that Howard was hoping would revolutionise the world. Still had its kinks, of course, but it had the potential to work better than the repulsor tech he'd mostly given up on for the time being. He needed a drink.
As soon as the meeting was over, he headed home for the party they were throwing Tony. Graduation and congratulations for getting into MIT. That was better than Howard had been able to do for himself. He was proud of the boy. Maybe they should take a trip before the school year started. He shrugged out of his jacket, heading straight to the bar and pouring himself some Scotch.
"Howard... There you are." Maria looked stunning in a green dress. He kissed her deeply while no one was looking. "Meeting go well?" she asked as she pulled back.
"Ceremony go well?"
She shrugged. "Well enough."
"Well enough," he echoed. "Where is he?"
Maria rolled up onto her toes and looked around the room. "I left him with Obi."
"Hm. Good. I'll have to go congratulate him. We did good, Maria."
"Yes," she replied dryly. "Our accidental breeding gave very good results."
He snorted.
"Come on. Clean yourself up, Howard. You're drunk."
"Not yet, unfortunately." He grinned at her and kissed her again before strolling down the hall to their bedroom to straighten himself out and change into a fresh shirt.
He found Tony later. Drunk. And found that he couldn't really be mad at the kid. He was giggly and listing, spouting off scientific formulae in Latin. It was actually really funny. His kid was stupidly smart. Howard giggled himself, enjoying the widening of his son's eyes. He whispered physics calculations back.
Tony snorted and fell into his side.
The party had long wound down, and Jarvis was already working on clean up, the only sign of disapproval being the tightening around his eyes. Howard tossed his head and dropped an arm around his son's shoulders. "Ya do good..."
"What?" Tony blinked up at him, eyes glazed.
"Proud 'f you," he muttered, looking away. He did manage to see Tony's blinding grin.
Eventually, Maria found them and prodded Tony off to bed and dragged Howard with her. He fell into the pillows, curling around his wife and vaguely hoped that Tony would remember what he said the next morning.
He woke, hung over, meeting his son in the kitchen for coffee. "How's the head?"
Tony blinked at him in surprise, cool and a little detached. Must be bad then. "Fine."
Howard chuckled. "Drink the brew, son; it'll be fine." He gave no sign of having remembered that Howard told him he was proud. And the words caught awkwardly in his throat, refusing to be said.
Tony nodded.
Lingering seemed too awkward, so he wandered down to his workshop and spent most of his time there until it was time to take Tony off to school.
"Now don't do anything I wouldn't do," he said with a grin, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Tony nodded, already looking around like he'd a new playground to conquer.
"Take care of yourself, Tony," Maria said. "And don't be a stranger. Don't forget to call."
"Course."
"And if you want to come home, don't ever be afraid to let us know. We'll come pick you up."
"Sure no problem. I think I'm gonna like it here."
Maria smiled. "Of course. I hope you will."
"It sure is expensive enough," Howard said, mind a hundred miles away. He'd been dragged away by Maria, in the middle of some project, and he needed to get some paper to write down the idea he'd had on the way over.
"Howard."
"I won't let you down," Tony said with an empty grin.
"Right," he replied absently.
"Well, go on. I'll get myself unpacked." He waved around the cubicle-sized dorm room and settled his hands in his pockets.
"We'll see you later darling."
Except they only saw Tony during the break and summer. And every time he came home, he was different.
Howard still didn't know his son.
Tony was lounging about outside, a magazine draped over his face, wearing a pair of swim trunks. Apparently working on a tan in the late afternoon sun.
"Tony," he said from the door. "Your mother and I are going out to dinner tonight. Jarvis will make you something." He waited until Tony grunted in response and then returned to their bedroom, getting ready.
"What are you in the mood for tonight?" He asked, coming up behind Maria at her boudoir.
She smiled at him through the mirror. "How about that new French place in the city?"
"Perfect. I'll call for a reservation."
"They're new. They'll have reservations booked until next year."
Howard smiled. "I'll tell them I'll mention them in my next interview and they'll have reservations booked for the next three years!"
Maria smiled again and then returned to her make-up.
Dinner was lovely. Howard got them a table and ordered the most expensive wine, he and Maria finishing off the entire bottle. They giggled out to the parking lot and started the drive home. He thought about saying something about Tony to Maria, but she was giving him those eyes. He smirked back. "Tonight?"
Tugging coyly at the strap of her gown, she arched a brow at him. "I'd love that... In fact, I think we sho—oh my God HOWARD!" Recoiling in her seat.
Howard slammed on the brakes, but it was the wrong thing to do as the car hit the rear end and they spun around into the highway divider.
He coughed through the fluid in his lungs, head spinning with pain. He vaguely recognised that he should be thankful for the amount of alcohol in his system. Reaching towards Maria's hand, he grasped her twitching fingers, covered in blood, and could only think about how he thought he'd have more time.