"Doctor," said Mark as he and the rest of the TARDIS crew exited the blue box, "Are you sure you don't need medical attention? You did get shot in the arm after all."
"Nah, I'm fine." The Doctor said as he locked the TARDIS's doors. The Time Lord was wearing the Brigadier's flat cap, which he had kindly given to the Doctor to make up for the seagull incident.
"But…"
"It's just a flesh wound!"
"So where are we now Doc-tah?" Sophie asked as she looked around at the dreary landscape. They appeared to be in a run-down area of wherever they where, with lots of disused warehouses and factories dotting the landscape.
Clucky made a few noises.
"Clucky!" The Doctor said in shock as he looked down at the chicken. "There's no need to be so rude! I'm sure the people who live here think it's lovely!"
"No we don't!" A passer-by shouted.
The gang walked through the dismal streets until they found a newspaper vendor.
"It's the fourteenth of August 1994. And we're in New York." Mark read off the newspaper. "Oh dear, I hope no New Yorkers get offended by this chapter."
"Just a quick question," the Doctor said to the vendor. "You're not going to turn out to be the grandfather of one of my future companions are you? That's what happened to me the last time I tried to buy a newspaper!"
"Um….no?" The clearly confused vendor said.
"Okay then." The Doctor said simply as he and his friends walked off.
"Sarah Jane must be in this area somewhere. But where?" The Doctor wondered out loud just before the gang walked past a butcher's shop with several roast chickens on display in the window. Clucky made a few sounds that oddly sounded like anger.
"We are not going to go in there and 'kick some ass', Clucky." The Doctor said. "We've got better things to do. Let's ask a local for help."
The four of them approached a young man with blonde hair and a moustache.
"Department of Ambiguous Incidents Department." The Doctor said as he flashed his psychic paper. "Have you seen, heard, smelled, tasted, felt or psychically sensed anything unusual here lately?"
Sophie gave the Doctor an odd look.
"What?" The Time Lord protested. "I'm just covering all of the senses! Just asking if he's seen anything narrows our investigation considerately does it not?"
"There was one thing." The man said. "It was really weird. I saw a purple swan in the park last week! I think someone had dyed it! And by 'someone' I mean me. Drunk Me. Drunk Me and Regular Me are different entities and shall be addressed as such."
"Um okay." The Doctor said, somewhat taken aback by the man's eccentric response. "Listen, er, what's your name?"
"Wayne." The man replied.
"Wayne, me and my fellow agents were hoping for something a bit more unusual than that." The Doctor said.
"Okay." Wayne said. "Well, there was a big party at the Polinski place last night. Lots of beer. You guys beer lovers? I'm a beer lover. Also a crack lover just in case anyone here's interested in a trip to Cocaine Crescent. That's not a real place in case you were wondering. I'm not a crack-user though; I'm merely a crack-observer. I just enjoy being around it you know? Watch it. Study it. Appreciate it. Use it sometimes."
"The swan thing was a two out of ten, whatever the hell you were just talking about was maybe a three or four but we still need you to think bigger, Wayne." The Doctor said, as friendly as ever. "Maybe an eight or nine?"
"Hmmm…..there is one thing. Me and the giant wasp I see whenever I do some bad acid keep hearing strange noises from the old abandoned prison. Like shouting and hammy speeches, you know?"
"That's either Davros or Omega." The Doctor whispered to his companions. "They both have absolutely no concept of an indoor voice."
"That prison brings back memories, you know?" Wayne continued. "I was send there as a teenager when it was still open. That's where they took my cherry. Off my cupcake in the lunch room. After I got raped."
"Can you take us to this prison?"
"Sure. But I won't be going in there with you! They say it's haunted by the ghost of a sombrero-wearing shark. If there's one thing worse than a shark it's a shark ghost!"
"Why would a shark have been in a prison?" Mark asked.
"Probably because it committed some kind of crime." Wayne said matter-of-factly.
"Probably loan-sharking." The Doctor quipped. His companions all groaned in protest. "Oh, come on! That was a good one!"
"I will escort you to the prison." Wayne said. "But I ask for one thing in return. That hat." He pointed at the Doctor's new flat cap.
The Doctor suddenly got very defensive. "No. It's mine!"
"Look, it's out of my hands. When Waspy wants something he gets really stubborn!"
"I'm not letting you take my hat."
Later…
"I can't believe I let him take my hat!"
The Doctor (sans his hat) and his companions made their way through the abandoned prison. The sun had set during their walk here so the entire building was much scarier than it would have been.
"Ah!" Mark screamed as a rat scurried past his feet. "What was that?"
"Wot's the matter Mark?" Sophie teased. "You scared?"
"Of course I'm not scared. It's just a dark, abandoned, dark, apparently haunted, dark, slowly falling apart, dark, frightening and dark prison with a shouty madman using it as a base. What's there to be scared of?"
"This way." The Doctor said as he led them around a corner with his sonic screwdriver held out in front of him.
"How do you know which way to go, Doctor?" Mark asked. "Are you tracking body heat signatures with the sonic screwdriver?"
"No, I'm just following the shouting." The Doctor replied. "It's definitely Davros. I'm just using the screwdriver as a torch. I'm not sure if you noticed, but it's quite dark in here."
Mark focused his hearing and indeed heard a voice shouting from somewhere deeper in the prison.
Mark screamed like a little girl as another rat scurried over his feet.
Sophie laughed. "You are scared, ain't ya? Are you chicken?" The cockney girl began making comical clucking noises at the accountant.
Clucky made a few noises.
"Clucky says to shut the hell up or she'll peck your goddamn eyes out." The Doctor translated in a casual tone. "Her words, not mine."
The TARDIS crew eventually found Davros and Sarah Jane in Cell Block D; a large round hall on the fourth floor with several cells in it and a large glass window. It was raining heavily outside. Sarah Jane was locked inside one of the old cells and Davros was in the centre of the hall.
""Ah, Davros." The Doctor said. "Nice to see you again. How about we have a cup of tea and catch up?"
"I! HAVE! BECOME! MORE! POWERFUL! SINCE! THE! LAST! TIME! WE! MET! DOCTOR!" Davros shouted. "I! AM! NOW! EMPEROR! OF! THIS! PRISON! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Or we could have coffee if you prefer?"
"ENOUGH! OF! THIS! FLIPPANCY! MET! YOUR! DOOM! DOCTOR!"
Davros gestured towards one of the cells. The door was open and it was pitch black inside. A single pinpoint light was the only brightness in the cell.
"Hello?" The Doctor said.
"Doc-tor….." An electronic voice inside the cell rasped.
"Oh….."
"THE Doc-tor?"
A solitary Dalek rolled out of the cell and into the vision of the TARDIS crew. Its white and gold plating contrasted greatly with the grey of the prison walls.
"Oh balls." The Doctor said.
"To be honest, we should have seen this coming earlier." Mark deadpanned.
"EXTERMINATE! THEM!"
"You are an enemy of the Daleks! You must be destroyed!" The Dalek raised its gun stick at the Doctor. It abruptly paused. "Unidentified anomaly detected in immediate area."
Suddenly, a ghost shark wearing a sombrero came through the wall to the Dalek's right. The pearly white, almost transparent carnivorous fish flew straight at the Dalek, its ghostly jaws spread wide.
"Exterminate!" The Dalek shot at the spectre. It missed but managed to shot the shark's ectoplasmic sombrero off its head.
The ghost shark caught the Dalek in its spectral jaws and carried it off down an adjacent corridor, deep into the bowels of the prison. The Dalek's electronic scream could be heard the whole way until it was dragged out of earshot.
There was an awkward silence for several moments.
"Huh." The Doctor said. "Even I found that weird. Anyway, time to hand over my friend Davros!"
"NEVER!" Davros produced a rather large knife and held it to Sarah Jane's throat before she had time to react and move further back into her cell.
What will happen? You decide!
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Davros suddenly burst into flame. He screamed and dropped the knife as the flames engulfed his body.
"Well that was awfully convenient!" Mark shouted over the noise.
"ARGGHHH! WHY! DID! I! ONLY! BRING! ONE! DALEK!" Davros shouted.
The Doctor threw his sonic screwdriver to Sophie. "Free Sarah Jane!" He instructed. He turned to the burning Kaled, noticed the heavy rain outside, and decided to do his arch-enemy a favour.
"Goodbye Davros. It hasn't been pleasant." The Doctor kicked Davros's wheelchair-thingy and sent the Kaled flying helplessly backwards out of the large window. Before he could hit the damp ground four stories below, Davros disappeared in a flash of blue light that seemed even brighter than the flames engulfing him.
"Of course." The Doctor muttered. "There's always a teleporter. Or an escape pod. Or a teleporting escape pod."
Clucky walked over and made a few sounds.
"I'm not sure what we're going to do next, Clucky. We have no idea where L.A.B.I.A.'s main base is. Unless….." The Doctor remembered the slightly mouldy cheese sandwich in his pocket. He pulled it out and examined it.
"Here goes nothing." The Doctor ate the sandwich in a few bites.
The whole world suddenly became black. Then it became bright white. The Doctor found himself alone on a great white empty plain of nothingness.
"Greetings." A deep voice said.
The Doctor looked down and saw a tortoise.
"I am your Spirit Guide." The tortoise said in the voice of James Earl Jones.
"There were drugs in that sandwich weren't there?" The Doctor deadpanned.
"There were no drugs in that sandwich. The cheese was merely laced with harmless, old LSD."
"Wait, that man in London…."
"He was merely an extension of me. A strap-on if you will."
"You may want to rephrase that explanation in the future."
"I am here to help you, Child of Gallifrey." The Spirit Guide continued. "You will find what you seek by following your heart."
"Can't you just tell me?"
"Oh, all right then."
The Spirit Guide told the Doctor the space/time coordinates for L.A.B.I.A.'s main base of operations.
There was an awkward silence for several minutes.
"So, is this the part where we discuss the meaning of life, the universe and everything?" The Doctor asked.
"We could do that." The tortoise said. "Or we could just get high and watch some porn together."
"Er, no thanks I'm fine."
"You don't want to hang out?"
"I just don't think I know you well enough to…."
"Not know me well enough? I'm your goddamn spirit guide!"
"Look, this is really awkward so I'm just going to leave."
"Fine! Go ahead and leave! I'll just go and be the Master's spirit guide! At least he'd respect me! Keep walking you useless sack of sh…"
The Doctor awoke to find his companions looking over him.
"Are you okay, Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked. "You passed out for around ten minutes."
"I'm fine." The Time Lord replied. "Just got into a little tiff with my Spirit Guide is all."
"Ya shouldn't 'ave eaten that blooming sandwich, Doc-tah." Sophie said. "A friend of mine ate a mouldy cheese sandwich once. Next thing she knew, she 'ad a bleeding camel foetus growing in 'er stomach!"
"I know where we're going next." The Doctor said as his companions helped him to his feet. "But I need to do one last thing before we leave."
The Doctor walked over to the only object the Dalek had managed to shoot before being dragged off and placed it atop his head.
"It's an ectoplasmic sombrero. I wear an ectoplasmic sombrero now. Ectoplasmic sombreros are cool."
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….
The final showdown!
The internet!
The Doctor utters one of his favourite words!
L.A.B.I.A. don't go to a burn ward!
The author gets more reviews! Seriously.
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"